Would you date someone earning less than you?

[DreamChaser23]

but they were a good person and paid their way?

What is the least you could consider?

I don’t care what job a partner does (unless it is something unethical like working in a slaughter house etc)

Are you vegan/vegetarian? Why is working in a slaughterhouse unethical? As long as people eat meat then slaughterhouses are necessary.

@bluebluezoo

I don’t care what job a partner does (unless it is something unethical like working in a slaughter house etc)

Are you vegan/vegetarian? Why is working in a slaughterhouse unethical? As long as people eat meat then slaughterhouses are necessary.

Not a fan of animals living an extremely poor quality life and then being painfully murdered for meat eaters.

Well it depends on what kind of relationship we were aiming for. Low financial commitment then it’s entirely irrelevant.

If they wanted to combine finances/have children then it would depend on whether their income level was going to grow significantly (e.g. early in career).

Obviously if things changed and I was able to afford to raise a Family singlehandedly I’d happily marry someone who earned less provided he was willing to be the SAHP/housekeeper.

It's not salary for me, it is ambition. I am extremely ambitious and driven and I would and have struggled to have a meeting of minds with those who aren't.
I also agree with this.

I wouldn't mind a partner earning less if we had similar values and they were driven to be great at what they do, but I would have an issue if they expected me to finance our lifestyle whilst they coast along aimlessly in life.

One of my friends is married to a bum who expects her to work whilst he goes job to job, business idea to business idea, never sticking at anything. I don't understand it because she also does all the wirework too.

As long as he pays his half of the bills on time (which he does), I couldn't care how much my OH earns.

Only if I'm positive he won't have an issue with it - and actions speak much louder than words in this respect.

I would have responded "but of course! What's the big deal?" fiffteen years ago. Then I met, dated, married and ultimately divorced XH.

He was jealous of my job and of my professional success. As in: he quite literally talked about it and behaved as though I were seeing another man. And it got worse as I climbed the corporate ladder.

Ultimately, I think it was a gender thing and that the fact that I rose up the ranks and made twice what he was making three yesrs out of university threatened his sense of masculinity. That he really wanted a woman he could take care of and for whom he could bring home the bacon. And that he resented not having that.

He got married to someone just like this less than a year after our divorce was finalised - and when I accidentally ran into his cousin, she had a massive go at me for having enjoyed years of nice things and then cleaning him out so that he couldn't afford to buy the same stuff for the 2nd Mrs XH and for how this was massively unfair. Cue an angry phone call from XH a few days later after cousin had, apparently, spilled the beans about the fact that I'd been buying my own clothes and cars all along. XH thought I had humiliated him in front of his family by telling her that and was livid.

So, long story short: I would date someone who earns less than me again. I'm a high earner, so I'd be massively restricting my dating pool if I didn't at least consider it.

I most certainly would also, however, be a lot more diligent about whether or not a bloke's ego can genuinely cope with me being the main earner in the couple. I most certainly wouldn't ever want to repeat the experience with XH ever again.

Of course.
When we met I earned twice what my now husband did.

Over the years there's been times he's earned more and times I have. It all gets slung into the pot as ours.

A lower earner isn't the same thing as a sponger. You can easily tell the difference between the two.

I earn more than DP because he is in a low paid career (teaching). I have found though that when you get beyond the virtue signalling, many women are not happy to be with someone who earns less than them and that is part of the structurally sexist society we still need to dismantle.

'Ambition' is often quoted as a nicer way of saying that some women won't date men who earn less than them. My DP is highly ambitious but teaching doesn't pay that well regardless.

Yes, of course, assuming we had similar sort of lifestyles and ambitions and long term goals. I’m a professional with ambitions to progress in my career and achieve certain things. I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who only worked to live and didn’t enjoy their career. Alternatively, I wouldn’t touch a City suit who made £200k a year with a barge pole either!

When Dh and I first started dating, I had a lot more education than him and was definitely earning more. A decade later, he started a business and now earns probably double what I do. We still share the same long term goals and values though.

It really depends. If the person is in a lower paying job and has no ambition to improve themselves then they can sponge off someone else.

I won't have a relationship with another adult that isn't a fully functioning adult - works to fund their life - cleans - cooks - sensible with money.

If I allow them to move in with me, regardless of how much they earn they are expected to pay their own way for household food and bills, which gets split per adult.

@Hopoindown31
Ambition for me means just that. Nothing wrong with being a teacher. But if the lower income came from a minimum paid job with no intention of improving themselves, then not for me.

I've dated someone who earned less than me, burger flipper whilst studying. Have dated someone insanely rich.

*I would have responded "but of course! What's the big deal?" fiffteen years ago. Then I met, dated, married and ultimately divorced XH.

He was jealous of my job and of my professional success. As in: he quite literally talked about it and behaved as though I were seeing another man. And it got worse as I climbed the corporate ladder.

Ultimately, I think it was a gender thing and that the fact that I rose up the ranks and made twice what he was making three yesrs out of university threatened his sense of masculinity. That he really wanted a woman he could take care of and for whom he could bring home the bacon. And that he resented not having that.*

That sounds really awful but the issue was your EXH not how much you earnt. I am in a similar financial position with my husband but he is NOT reacting in this way at all. He's very supportive of my role and contributes inordinately in other ways including taking on more childcare as my career pulls me away from the house more. Don't let this put you off all men who earn less, just watch out more for the red flags that with hindsight told you that this man was going to feel threatened by your success and act out on that.

A lower earner isn't the same thing as a sponger

I’d argue that the person looking specifically to date someone who earns more is in fact the sponger, and I’d also argue that someone looking to marry someone who earns more So they can stay home, does not often have the same ambition level as the person they hope to date. Because their ambition is tied up in meeting someone who can and will be willing to, finance their lifestyle choices.

I’d also add a caution that just because someone earns more doesn’t mean they will be generous with their money or finance you staying home.

I've almost always earned more than exdh and DP, excluding maternity periods and right now (but only as of the last two weeks and only until September. It was an issue with exdh only because if his lack of drive. Dp didnt have the advantages I had growing up but is driven and supportive. I think the bigger issue would be someone who score kept to be honest. Dp has earnt less but it's never been a thing. Hes never counted it as me being more valid nor does he now when I have come out of the workplace for a few months due to Covid childcare issues. For a real long term relationship as a partnership things will often wax and wane in terms of income and job if you are counting it at early stages as something that matters then that's not the view that will lead to a real long term partnership.

Springing is something different and is more about the attitude and entitlement

Many people within society hold the belief that the man is the breadwinner.
This site has lots of those people.

Many women give up their lives once they have a child because he earns more, works longer hours etc. Makes no sense and only reinforces the idea that dad works. I made it very clear we are both parents and we both have to make sacrifices. I was not giving up my job nor all my free time, and if he didn't like it there would have been no child.

"Wifework" all the mundane life stuff he thinks he's too special for.

Paying for household things depending on income, which of course subsidies the lower earner. When the simpler and fairer way is per adult and based on what they can afford alone.

Many women marry with the sole purpose of the protection it gives. Although still haven't worked out what protection that is.

Many of them are spongers when you think about it. Without the higher earner they wouldn't have been able to afford the house that now needs to be sold because of divorce. Or they'd only be able to afford to rent a 2 bed terraced, instead of the 4 bed with garage.

I continuously improve myself so that I can earn things I want for myself and my children. I haven't done all of this so another adult can benefit from my hard work without putting in much.

It's a difficult question to answer as it's not just the money that's the issue.

When a low wage is down to apathy and lack of ambition that's completely different to a low wage being down to working in a job that will grow, or working in a job that offers much-needed flexibility to a family situation.

I have been in a situation of the former and was totally miserable being under pressure to support a family with someone who was happy to contribute very little financially and even less practically.

I've seen others who had a partner who earned less but contributed way more to run the home.

It's not about money, it's about working together to run a home.

DP earns minimum wage and will probably never earn much more. He works very hard (in a restaurant kitchen) but isn’t “ambitious” in the sense of wanting to rise up the ranks, which is fine by me. I like that he’s around a lot for me and DD and we can manage ok between our wages.

Of course. it's ok I married DH when he was a student and earning nothing! Sometimes he has earned more than me, sometimes I have earned more than him. If it's a long term thing, then you support each other.

However, it wouldn't work if you didn't have similar aspirations, or if he's a spender and you're a saver etc.

For those saying that they wouldn't date someone with no ambition, happy to stay in, for example, a job on the tills at Tesco, would you think it ok for men to say the same? Why is it ok for many, many women to have no ambition but not ok for men?

There are so many posters on this site who don't work, have no desire to even think about getting a job and paying their own way, happy to be supported by an ex if it all goes wrong. Yet it couldn't possibly be ok the other way round.
We keep on that we want equality but for many people this seems to be a one way street. Men have to be the top earner, ambitious, happy for wife to be at home, help with household chores, get home early to be with the kids, not have any time out for hobbies etc etc. If the women is at home then she's told to "get her ducks in a row" if there is a potential split. If it's the man at home then the women is told to protect everything and not let the "Cockfosters" get anything. Who would want to be a man nowadays, I certainly wouldn't.

Obviously that's "cocklodger"!

Yeah of course, why wouldn't I?

It's more about opportunities than salary for me. I'd of dated someone on a low wage but opportunities for promotion etc but wouldn't have dated someone on minimum wage with no skills.

Yes, I did and am now in a LTR. My partner earns a good salary ~50k but I have been lucky in numerous ways in my career and am currently paid six figures. The situation was similar when we met.

I think it depends on so many factors, many of which have been mentioned up thread (e.g. will you combine finances, if not how will you manage things (especially luxuries like holidays), do you have children, might you have children together, what are your overall objectives for things like retirement or later life etc etc). The most important thing to me is what he is like! A dickhead is a dickhead regardless of their salary! If he is kind, open and willing to talk about life and all it’s whys and wherefores with you, you should be fine

I have dated several men who earn less than me. I have no issue with it, it's about who attracts you. If the wage is putting you off, they aren't right for you. It's a warning signal and you could get it about any part of them, how they speak, their toenails etc.

As long as they work and contribute I am not bothered.