Marital rape?

[MandB23]

For a while I didn’t call it what it was, but deep down I know that my husband has raped/sexually assaulted me multiple times.
It started in about 2018 where he would start having sex with me in the night. He would do it after an argument. It was odd.
We would have a horrible argument, go to bed and then within an hour or so he would do it. I would generally just lie there and let it happen. I didn’t say no but usually I’m quite an active, enthusiastic participant and myself, I can’t imagine having sex with someone who is just lying there. He would then get off and just go to sleep.
After a few times, I had to speak to him to say - please can you not do that. I mentioned the word consent - as in, how can I consent if I’m asleep when it starts. He kicked off royally. I never used the word rape but he started with “how can I rape you when we’re married”. The minute he said that, I knew that I was wasting my time talking to him. But I made it clear that I don’t give consent, that I’ve become fearful of him in the night and I’m waking at every little movement and I have a feeling of dread. I wake up the next day feeling empty and numb and sad. And I wanted him to stop doing it.
I used to enjoy night time sex. But at that point we were in a bad place and I just felt taken advantage of.
Anyway, once I clearly communicated that I don’t consent to that and even if I’m not saying no - it’s because I freeze and go a bit numb when it happens. But it carried on. And then I knew it was rape. Because I had told him that I did not want that but I don’t have the confidence to say no at the time.
I got pregnant - from one of these times. Because we weren’t having any other kind of sex. the baby was still born. I had sepsis and was quite unwell. I thought he would have learnt from this but the day I got home (3 days post birth) he did it again. That’s the first time I stopped him and the last time he tried it. I was in shock - like how are you doing this now??? But I was sore and bleeding and just said “what are you doing?” The next day was a huge argument when I brought it up. Going mad again - saying “oh you’re calling me a rapist, (baby’s name) must have been a rape baby then” just horrible stuff. We were in the car and he kept driving erratically and he was just so so angry and horrible about it.
It hasn’t happened since. But I can’t get over it. I feel anger about it still. I want to talk to him about it - like ask why?? But I know I can’t talk about the subject. Just more and more I know that what he did was wrong and I’m not sure I can let it go.

I don’t know what I’m writing this for really. I’ve just got an overwhelming sense of dread for the day ahead when I’m thinking about this and how I have to pretend I’m fine.

I remember you. Please be strong. No one should live like you are. You & your DC need to be safe and happy.

He's a monster

I said at the end of the thread previously that I thought you were on the way to splitting and I still think you are. You know it's so very wrong, you know we all are saddened by what you are putting up with. What you may not know it's that there really is help out there, and support. You don't seem to have many supportive friends or family, so use the structures out there with Women's Aid being the first. Call, chat, mail, bother them till you have a viable plan. I guarantee you there are ways and means of getting out! You are, still, so young. Get a better life, please!

One of the things that I would worry about with you, is not only the rape - that is bad enough. It's the potential impact of this on your longterm health too. The lack of sleep and anxiety. You can't even sleep at night feeling safe.

I'm sorry OP. I think the telling thing was this - “how can I rape you when we’re married”.

He thinks that because your're his wife, your body is his property and he feels entitled to it.

I'm sorry that you are in such a poisonous situation. The cruelty of doing that after birth......for fuck's sake. It's so inhumane. You poor woman :(

Please contact the police and Women's Aid. I don't think it will be safe for you to leave him without assistance. You need help getting out and don't tell him you're leaving.

@MandB23

Anybody still here?

Because I'm still here, in this marriage, doing the same old shit of begging for love and care, basically.

I need out. Don't know why I think posting here will help, but I've brought myself here to read this, to wake myself up and see that I'm still miserable now, and no amount of conversation is going to make anything change.

I need to just do it, don't I. It's so bad that I stay because i want to buy my kids nice things and do days out and holidays. But what is the fucking point in all that when I'm miserable. He's still the same, miserable, selfish, horrid person. 50% of the time. The other bits, he tries to be the opposite. Head fuck!

sorry - i'm just hoping someone will remember me and come along and tell me how stupid I am and encourage me to stop being so stupid.

You do need to get out OP. I don't know what will wake you up.

Maybe anger? I think you're so down, so miserable, that you have lost the anger and fire needed to galvanize you into action.

You need to leave because of your health. Really. Your body only has so much strength before it stars succumbing to all that cortisol. You will end up with a condition - allergies, eczema, asthma, arthritis, migraines, night terrors, nightmares, digestion issues, hair loss - this is not good for you longterm and that's on top of psychological issues like lack of trust.

I also wouldn't trust such a cruel, perverted man around your children.

You aren't stupid OP, you are dealing with a really hard terrible thing.

Call Women's Aid, get some support. You can do this.

OP, please protect your children and get them out of this toxic environment.

You are all so kind. Even if the words don’t seem that way, just the effort put in to responding is really appreciated.

I know.

I’ve been waiting it out until I was able to survive alone. Financially. I could now.

We have a mortgage together, but I know I have the right to stay here with the children and I could afford it. Their just wouldn’t be any luxuries and I suppose I feel like I’m taking something away from the kids - their family unit and the extra stuff that they are used to.

But yes, his behaviour hasn’t got any better. At the moment, it’s quite bad.

He’s been physically aggressive over the last few years. At one point he threw me against the wall at the top of the stairs and I thought he was going to throw me down them. He’s held me down on the bed and got on top of me and in my face when I wouldn’t argue with him. I was ignoring him but had said multiple times that I was not responding anymore because it’s just getting worse and he dragged me accross the bed and held me down. I told him the next day that I was scared but he threatened me the next evening that he would do the same thing again when I again said I didn’t want to argue.

The last few months have been quite calm and it’s not been volatile but his moods with the kids is bothering me. I have to keep saying “be kind” and he still isn’t. He has no patience and no empathy, even with them.

Their have been moments where I’ve allowed myself to get carried away and I’ve thought things could change and we have a nice week or 2 but it always happens again.

He has started to touch me when I’m asleep again. But just hands. It’s bothering me though because he knows I found all of that quite traumatic.

I am capable. I know I am. I don’t know why I can’t just do it. It’s like I’m on the cliff edge and I know what I need to do and I’ve decided on it but I just can’t take the leap.

Earlier today I had a moment where I wanted to hit my head on something. Makes me sound crazy. He’s a billy though. He gaslights and plays games and is unkind. After a whole day of it - kids were all out at nursery/school - I’d just had enough and started crying but then he is cruel to me, even more. Like my sadness annoys him. I had a moment where I just wanted it to stop and just a fleeting though came over me - to just hit my head on the wall. Never had that in my life. Knew I needed to sort myself out. So I came upstairs and wrote on here and wrote in a journal. That all really helped. I read back on my journal and I’ve been writing EXACTLY the same things for the past few years. Exactly.

It’s a childhood wound thing, I think. I can’t seem to let go of the idea of what he was, and what I thought my life was.

Here I am - miserable. Why am I choosing this??

I can do it. Worked out money. Can ask him to leave and I’d manage. I’d need to go part time but I would still manage. I think I’d be really happy.

I wasn't on your original thread. But I've been in that position of never feeling safe to sleep.

You deserve to be free, op. You're not stupid, you're not a thing, you're not his possession.

Please start believing you deserve better.

Then start working on your escape plan.

Your children don't need nice things, they need a loving mum who can teach and show them that people don't treat each other like this.

He's escalating. He's learned that you won't leave, even with the fact that he is a rapist out in the open, and now he's stepping up the violence and intimidation against you, and starting to target the children as well. It will not get better, OP.

Please, take the amazing practical advice from posters here and get the hell out of there.

You must gather all your strength and leave.

You won’t be able to hide this from your children. They will know and they won’t forget.

Please leave op you deserve so much better

OP I am a man, I think you need to be aware of that and feel free not to read on because of that but firstly you are not stupid, or weak or naive or selfish and this is not your fault. Secondly you need to leave and do it carefully. Please speak to Women's Aid or one of tbe many other organisations you can find online and here. I'm not sure asking him to go will be safe for you. Take their advice on how to do this but please do it.

Thirdly, if you end up with far less money, you need to claim benefits or whatever but you show your kids love and safety then they will be far happier and rounded and able to cope with life than if they live amidst fear and abuse and have 'nice things'. I'd have traded every fucking holiday and meals out and my posh schooling and expensive toys and a car at 17 for one parent who loved me and made me feel safe.

Please stay with us and let the people here and in the charities and the police help you. None of us are perfect, (my username reminds me that I am not), but most people are fundamentally kind and decent. Your partner is not. That is not your fault and it is not your duty to change him or save him from himself. It is your right to be safe with your children.

I wish you all the very very best.

You WOULD be happy. Without any doubt at all. And so would your children.

Please stop hesitating. This man does not love you, cherish you, support you, respect you. In fact the opposite - he's raped you, assualts you, is violen, threatening. And he is a poor father. You shouldn't have to be stepping in to protect your children from their father's lack of love and care.

It feels like a huge step, but once you've taken it, it gets easier. One step at a time. Please seek some advice on where you stand legally / financially / home wise. And please please please report this man's abuse to the Police. He is a dangerous man. Seriously. What he is doing to you is criminal. He deserves to be reported, but it will also help you as you leave him. Please take any support available from organisations and friends / family, and keep talking to us. We'll be with you all the way.

Take care. x

I really think you should go to the police about him, OP. He sounds really dangerous.

I'm glad you can afford to live without him now. You say you have a mortgage - is his name on it, too?

I'm so sorry you are going through this op. You need to start speaking out, to police to women's aid, someone who is going to help you find that strength to leave. He deserves a place in hell for what he is doing and has done to you. Sorry about your loss, you and your DC deserve better than this life.

He is such a bad man OP.

If you went to the police station and told them what you have written, you would be helped.

He is a violent rapist.

A dangerous man.

You poor woman.

This is so sad to read and quite scary that it's a life you're living. If you can, wait until he goes to work and get a locksmith in. Ask a trusted friend to be with you. Throw his things out. You deserve to live xxx

I wake up the next day feeling empty and numb and sad
I know that feeling so well. When you're hardly sure you exist any more, because he can do whatever he wants.

Get away. As soon as you can. Somehow. You will start to heal as soon as you know he won't have access to you.

OP, how are things now? Did you manage to get him out?

Old post - but after years of posting and all of the wonderful people who offered support and kind words, I wanted to update.

I've finally done what I needed to do and ended it. It's been a week and I'm struggling with that decision as he apologises and says all the things I want to hear so I came here to reflect on how long I've been hearing those things and how little they mean and I'm so sad reading it all.

But the kindness you all gave me then is helping very much right now. I can't stop crying after reading it all. It's so validating which is sadly what I need right now.

I haven't spoken to anybody in real life yet because I don't trust myself to follow through with this but I will.

No going back. I plan to take this a day at a time, not think too much about the past or the future but just remembering that love shouldn't look like this and no amount of apologies will ever make up for what I've experienced with him for over 10 years.

Thank you all. Some people can be harsh on here but so many of you were exactly what I needed then and even though I didn't do what I should have done, you helped me through.

Well done!

It's a really difficult time, and he'll say and do anything now, to try to get you back. It's a very standard script for abusive men. Don't believe him - he's had years and years to change, and he never did, so why would you believe his words in these few moments against his actions over years?

Stay strong, look back on the last 5-10 years and know that you've made the right choice, you can do it, you'll look back in a few months and be so much happier without him.

Sending hugs.

So so proud of you. Sending you and your children love and strength.

I'm aware my posts were probably amongst the harsher ones OP but I think you took them the way they were intended so I hope you won't mind me posting now. I just want to say how fucking proud I am of you, how proud you should be of yourself, you are so much stronger than he would have you believe.

I know it's hard but the best thing you could possibly do for yourself now is cut contact with him to an absolute bare minimum, he can't get in your head and make you waver if you're not having to listen to him. And the longer you're away from him the more you will be able to see how very unworthy of you he actually is. You're an exceptional woman for being brave and strong enough to make the break and the longer you are away from him the more you will believe that

That’s so great! Amazing news and thanks for the update. Stay strong OP - never forget your value. Don’t underestimate any hoovering attempts on his part - he may have you try to believe day is night. One day at a time is the only way. I’m a year out of a difficult relationship and there are good days and bad days but lots of peace. Sometimes you need time to process what has happened to you, time to heal. It will take the time it takes. So many women have gone down this road before and come out stronger. We can do it too!