Marital rape?

[MandB23]

For a while I didn’t call it what it was, but deep down I know that my husband has raped/sexually assaulted me multiple times.
It started in about 2018 where he would start having sex with me in the night. He would do it after an argument. It was odd.
We would have a horrible argument, go to bed and then within an hour or so he would do it. I would generally just lie there and let it happen. I didn’t say no but usually I’m quite an active, enthusiastic participant and myself, I can’t imagine having sex with someone who is just lying there. He would then get off and just go to sleep.
After a few times, I had to speak to him to say - please can you not do that. I mentioned the word consent - as in, how can I consent if I’m asleep when it starts. He kicked off royally. I never used the word rape but he started with “how can I rape you when we’re married”. The minute he said that, I knew that I was wasting my time talking to him. But I made it clear that I don’t give consent, that I’ve become fearful of him in the night and I’m waking at every little movement and I have a feeling of dread. I wake up the next day feeling empty and numb and sad. And I wanted him to stop doing it.
I used to enjoy night time sex. But at that point we were in a bad place and I just felt taken advantage of.
Anyway, once I clearly communicated that I don’t consent to that and even if I’m not saying no - it’s because I freeze and go a bit numb when it happens. But it carried on. And then I knew it was rape. Because I had told him that I did not want that but I don’t have the confidence to say no at the time.
I got pregnant - from one of these times. Because we weren’t having any other kind of sex. the baby was still born. I had sepsis and was quite unwell. I thought he would have learnt from this but the day I got home (3 days post birth) he did it again. That’s the first time I stopped him and the last time he tried it. I was in shock - like how are you doing this now??? But I was sore and bleeding and just said “what are you doing?” The next day was a huge argument when I brought it up. Going mad again - saying “oh you’re calling me a rapist, (baby’s name) must have been a rape baby then” just horrible stuff. We were in the car and he kept driving erratically and he was just so so angry and horrible about it.
It hasn’t happened since. But I can’t get over it. I feel anger about it still. I want to talk to him about it - like ask why?? But I know I can’t talk about the subject. Just more and more I know that what he did was wrong and I’m not sure I can let it go.

I don’t know what I’m writing this for really. I’ve just got an overwhelming sense of dread for the day ahead when I’m thinking about this and how I have to pretend I’m fine.

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

The thing tha finally tipped the scales for me was a therapist who told me that there is nothing I can do to change him. All I can do is change myself and what I do. I don't know why but the penny thankfully dropped at that point.

[NoMoreDickheads]

There are so many horrible things about him The way he acted with his mum/family etc.

For some reason - I didn’t have it in me to stop him in the moment. It’s like I wanted to but the words just didn’t come.

This and going in to a daze is actually very common. It's called a flop or freeze response. The animal part of the brain takes charge when we're assaulted and these are some ways the animal part of us acts to try and survive a dangerous situation.

I’ve learnt recently about Co-dependency and that rings true for our relationship

If you find it useful that's ok, but it might also be worth looking at it another way. A lot of therapists/workers in the field of domestic violence (which is what this is) don't agree with the idea that victims are co-dependent, as it implies the victim is doing something wrong.

But it's all on the abuser. These workers say abuse is a result solely of the abuser's sense of ownership and entitlement which your bloke has outright said he has to your body. With him it's as clear as day.
-
The other thing that show's the 'co dependent' thing isn't true/the only way of looking at it is you aren't happy with the situation. You are constantly resisting - even when you comply it's just because you have to to deal with the situation you find yourself in. xxx

[Cuntycovid]

@Julyisnotamonth you sound fucking awful

[MashedPotatoBrainz]

I know I sound pathetic. I know what I would say to my friends. I know.

You don't sound pathetic. You sound frightened. Frightened of the past. Frightened of the present. Frightened of the future. But trust me and every other poster here who has walked your path, without him your future will be so much better once you're free.

[BobbyTheVetIsMyHero]

I froze when i was raped too OP. And like you it took me a long time to accept it for what it was. There's no right or wrong way to react x

[wewereliars]

Hi OP posting on here is your first step to freedom because you re facing what is happening and staring it straight in the face. That is hard. He will not change, he does not want to. Do not try to change him, concentrate on getting him gone. He is not on your side, he is not your friend and never will be. Get as much advice as you can and be careful. You can do this, it is hard but not impossible xx

[BendyLikeBeckham]

I'm so glad you are thinking of leaving him. Put a plan in place that you can activate quickly as soon as you are ready. Womens Aid will help you sort out that plan. You don't have to act on it. But its there when/if you do.

And keep emotionally detaching from him. Go Grey Rock to avoid arguments and keep yourself from getting dragged into his issues.

He is not on your team. You, Nan and DC are your family unit now. He is on his way out because he doesn't deserve you, the utter pig that he is. In fact that's an insult to pigs.

Don't show him your research or this thread please. He will use it against you and punish you (and you know what that looks like).

Stay safe OP. We are all thinking about you.

[Mix56]

he may become aware of your change of attitude, beware he cannot have access to your phone/computer/media.
Change your password on your email, & remove any shared cloud settings.
In case he starts snooping.
Also, you need to slowly get hold of all the documents, mortgage, payslips savings, pensions, get copies & remove them from your home, give them to a friend, or keep at work.
Do you have joint bank accounts?, savings? you should consider opening up a private bank account in your name alone, with no paper statements. Once it becomes clear that you have emotionally ceased to care about his goading, EA. Things may get nasty fast.
You should transfer half of all savings as soon as he gets nasty

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, are you OK?

You've been on my mind the last few days.

[MandB23]

@BendyLikeBeckham
I’m okay.
I feel really distant from him.
But I’ve just ranted at him. My grandad passed away a few days ago so I’ve been a little upset. Nothing major. But I’ve had to keep reminding him to stop nagging the kids and not being so negative. And I just had a go at him. I shouldn’t have done. But I’m sick of feeling like I need to make sure he’s being nice enough or not shouting or using a better tone. It’s so so draining. I told him that it’s selfish when I’ve already got other things on my mind.
I then ended up saying how I feel. That I feel distant. And I don’t feel like I want to be here. That more and more I see how abusive and toxic he is and it’s like it’s all I can see.
He is now upset and I feel guilty. I shouldn’t have done it. What good can it do. Saying all of that. Words are empty anyway and now I’ve just stressed myself out.
I’m going to put something crap on tv and try and not think about it.

[Dullardmullard]

Try and not feel guilty over this we all snap at some point.

Let it slide for now and don’t let his upset bother you be neutral

Keep plodding along planning

[BendyLikeBeckham]

Why shouldn't you have said those things? They are all true and its how you feel.

If he's upset it is because he is feeling sorry for himself. He has hurt you and been horrible to the DC, and when you tell him that, then HE is upset? You shouldn't have to manage his behaviour as a parent or a partner, that's wrong.

Do not accept any guilt here.

[pog100]

Far from feeling guilty for saying these things, you should feel good that you have. To be honest it would have been best to be saying them from the very beginning. Anyway, it’s pretty clear that you are on a road to eventually splitting, just keep that goal in mind.

[MandB23]

Anybody still here?

Because I'm still here, in this marriage, doing the same old shit of begging for love and care, basically.

I need out. Don't know why I think posting here will help, but I've brought myself here to read this, to wake myself up and see that I'm still miserable now, and no amount of conversation is going to make anything change.

I need to just do it, don't I. It's so bad that I stay because i want to buy my kids nice things and do days out and holidays. But what is the fucking point in all that when I'm miserable. He's still the same, miserable, selfish, horrid person. 50% of the time. The other bits, he tries to be the opposite. Head fuck!

sorry - i'm just hoping someone will remember me and come along and tell me how stupid I am and encourage me to stop being so stupid.

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

Oh gosh OP. Yes, please leave.

Can you ring a rape crisis helpline to try and get some help with leaving

This man is awful. Even if you say he tries to be decent 50% of the time, it's no way to live. He is not a good person. And you know that. Please get out. For your children's sakes too. I promise you will be happier alone than you are with this abusive arsehole

I hope someone will be along soon with better advice. I feel so sad on your behalf. Men like this make me very, very angry. You are not his property.

[RainbowZebraWarrior]

Your kids must sense your sadness and his nastiness. Even if they don't know the detail.

[Geppili]

Just read your original post. Its the worst thing I have read in 15 years on mumsnet. Please for the love of your children leave this sadistic rapist.

[layladomino]

Oh Op I'm so sad that you're still with him.

Please don't say you're staying for your children. That's a horrible thing to put on them. If your daughter was in your place now, how would you feel? If you knew she lived with a man who was vile and uncaring, who raped her, who treated her body as something he has rights over, who makes fun of her, who makes her miserable every day - what would you want her to do? What advice would you give?

How would your children feel if they learned that you were putting up with this for them?

They will be absolutely fine is you leave him. Lots of children go through it and are fine. I expect they will be happier as, from what you said before, he is angry and aggressive towards them as well, and they will see how miserable you are. You can leave, and regain who you are, and be a better mum as a result. That is better for you and your children.

I beg you to leave. This man does not love you. He does not care. He raped you repeatedly. He is a vile and abusive man. He won't get better, he will only get worse. Your children need to see their mum being happy and strong. They need to see you model good relationship behaviour. Show them that when someone treats you badly, you leave. Don't let them see your relationship as 'normal' or acceptable.

Please seek some advice IRL, see legal advice, and keep talking here. You can do it.

[whiteworldgettingwhiter]

Oh God, op, that made me go all cold. Your husband is a vile rapist. He doesn't care about you at all.

He's terrifying. You have to leave him.

Could you go to the police and report him?

💐

[whiteworldgettingwhiter]

God, I didn't even realise it was an old post.

Op, please please please leave. Ring Womens Aid. They will help.

Your dc deserve so much better. What is your h teaching them about relationships??

[IcicleIcicle]

Men like this are like cocaine addiction, you waste years chasing that elusive person they pretended to be in the early days in the same way a cokehead chases the buzz they got from their first ever line. And both are a complete waste of time and energy, the person he sold himself to be doesn't exist and the nasty 50% of him is the real him so there is literally no way you can 'fix' him, this is who he is.

Had you realised you've gone from saying he was ok 80-90% of the time when you first posted to only 50% now? So he's escalating, able to mask his real self less and less of the time, what will you do when it's bad 100% of the time? You'd started on the right path last year, you were detaching from him emotionally and that's exactly what you need to do. Stop turning yourself inside out trying to make him see what a cunt he's being, he knows but you will never convince him his behaviour is wrong.

It's time now OP, save yourself and DC while you still can. Whatever life you end up living, even if you're skint, is going to be better than this misery of a life. Your kids will be feeling it now too, however hard you're trying to protect them.

[inininsomnia]

You're not stupid at all but please, please leave. I really hope he never gets a chance to touch you these days.

[PonyPatter44]

You are not stupid. Did you hear me? I'll say it again. YOU ARE NOT STUPID. Your husband is a rapist, and you are stuck in survival mode, purely to keep yourself and your children alive and safe. This is not stupidity, it is survival.

You can escape. You can do it. Is that awful piece of shit still attacking you?

[IcicleIcicle]

Would it help to talk through the practicalities of splitting with us? What concerns do you have about managing alone? Are you renting or have a mortgage and in whose name and is your Nan still living with you? We might be able to help you find ways round the practical stuff which might then make the emotional disconnect easier, maybe?

[Suzanne999]

I’ve just read through your posts, it’s so sad and so awful. No one should put up with this treatment. By staying you are compounding the damage he’s done to your self esteem and self belief. Your children will think the man of the family can behave how he wants and everyone will tip toe around him.
Leaving him won’t be easy, I know, but it won’t be worse than staying. Will you still be there 10, 15 years from now with your children gone and you and he alone?
Women’s Aid will help you but you need to take the steps to leave.