Marital rape?

[MandB23]

For a while I didn’t call it what it was, but deep down I know that my husband has raped/sexually assaulted me multiple times.
It started in about 2018 where he would start having sex with me in the night. He would do it after an argument. It was odd.
We would have a horrible argument, go to bed and then within an hour or so he would do it. I would generally just lie there and let it happen. I didn’t say no but usually I’m quite an active, enthusiastic participant and myself, I can’t imagine having sex with someone who is just lying there. He would then get off and just go to sleep.
After a few times, I had to speak to him to say - please can you not do that. I mentioned the word consent - as in, how can I consent if I’m asleep when it starts. He kicked off royally. I never used the word rape but he started with “how can I rape you when we’re married”. The minute he said that, I knew that I was wasting my time talking to him. But I made it clear that I don’t give consent, that I’ve become fearful of him in the night and I’m waking at every little movement and I have a feeling of dread. I wake up the next day feeling empty and numb and sad. And I wanted him to stop doing it.
I used to enjoy night time sex. But at that point we were in a bad place and I just felt taken advantage of.
Anyway, once I clearly communicated that I don’t consent to that and even if I’m not saying no - it’s because I freeze and go a bit numb when it happens. But it carried on. And then I knew it was rape. Because I had told him that I did not want that but I don’t have the confidence to say no at the time.
I got pregnant - from one of these times. Because we weren’t having any other kind of sex. the baby was still born. I had sepsis and was quite unwell. I thought he would have learnt from this but the day I got home (3 days post birth) he did it again. That’s the first time I stopped him and the last time he tried it. I was in shock - like how are you doing this now??? But I was sore and bleeding and just said “what are you doing?” The next day was a huge argument when I brought it up. Going mad again - saying “oh you’re calling me a rapist, (baby’s name) must have been a rape baby then” just horrible stuff. We were in the car and he kept driving erratically and he was just so so angry and horrible about it.
It hasn’t happened since. But I can’t get over it. I feel anger about it still. I want to talk to him about it - like ask why?? But I know I can’t talk about the subject. Just more and more I know that what he did was wrong and I’m not sure I can let it go.

I don’t know what I’m writing this for really. I’ve just got an overwhelming sense of dread for the day ahead when I’m thinking about this and how I have to pretend I’m fine.

[LimpLettice]

You know what they say OP, if your nice cup of tea had 2% shit in it? Would you still drink it? Your tea has a great deal more than that.

It's not better for your kids, it's just not. They SEE. Girls learn to be treated like utter shit. Boys to dominate and control. They will be damaged just as you are being. You are analysing something which needs no analysis, your husband is a dangerous rapist who hates women and will keep hurting you. He is doing this deliberately and you are trying to credit him with emotions he doesn't have.

Imagine for a second, you see a story on the news. A man breaks into antenatal and rapes a woman who gave birth to a sleeping baby 3 days earlier. The entire country would be up in arms, on the look out and certain that this man is a dangerous animal. A monster. That is your husband. In your bed. In your home with your children.

I know you say there's no way to leave but you are not safe. Please don't show him Lundys book, don't show that you are doing anything other than the status quo, leaving is a dangerous time and even becoming aware. You need to ring women's aid again and get real help.

[Sassanacs]

This probably one of saddest things I've read... anywhere.... ever. First of all I'm sorry for your loss. Second - please leave this vile piece of shit. He sees you as nothing more than a piece of meat. He has dehumanised you. He has raped you, violated you. MULTIPLE TIMES.

Please just leave. Surely anything else is better than continuing like this.

[LimpLettice]

OP that is not unusual. She could favour him for a variety of reasons from fear to appeasement. Or she's learning abusive behaviours from him. None of these are positive options and you know it.

Help is available. There are benefits and ways round this, and even the meanest existence is better than the long term damage which is your best case outcome here. Worst case for you doesn't bear thinking about.

[Chungus]

How can you be sure he won't abuse her? Or already is? He's an actual, unrepentant rapist living in your house with your daughter. Who idolises him.

Did you get any professional advice about her exposure to porn?

[Chungus]

He also has an interest in young girls.

[Hatscats]

He’s an evil manipulative bastard.

Get out ASAP, for you and the kids too. They will know what’s happening

[pigeon999]

Your dd is learning that being angry and violent pays off, you can intimidate into getting your own way. She will eventually fight fire with fire. You are in a more dangerous position now in my view. She is likely to see you as weak and helpless as she gets older, she will lose all respect for you as well, and then you really have a lot to contend with as she grows into teenage years dealing with both of them.

The fact she idolises him makes this even worse! If she could see what a bully he is, this would be better for her. It seems that she has become so conditioned by his anger and abuse that she sees nothing wrong with it, growing up around this has made it completely normal for her. She won't recognise a healthy relationship when it eventually arrives in her own life.

Seriously op, tell your family and friends. Let them help you. Childcare is one thing, but living with this and the damage this is causing to you and your child/children. That is quite another.

Get your dd some counselling so she recognises unhealthy patterns, keep an eye on her at school she could find herself in trouble if she is replicating her home life there.

[pigeon999]

I am also worried about your dd living with a rapist, especially one with no empathy.

Your dd is in danger, you are in danger. Please contact womensaid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

[MandB23]

This is hard. Because I don’t see this situation exactly the same. I guess because I have emotions involved.
I don’t think she’s in danger. Not in that way. I am very aware - as awful as it is, I’ve worked in safeguarding and I’ve always always been quite paranoid about signs and any men in her life. Probably not helped by having post natal depression when she was born. I was very anxious about her well being at that time.
My worry is the behaviours she has and will pick up on.
But I understand that you are all hearing it factually. And I suppose probably making better judgements because of that.
I don’t see him in this way. I know he has done awful things and I also know that I need to catch up with that. It’s like my brain hasn’t caught up with all the things he has done.
We’ve been together over 10 years. In honesty - it got bad when our eldest was born. Almost 6 years ago. Only slightly. And then it’s increased over time.
But I’ve heard that men can react to children being born in this way. I can’t see it and it doesn’t seem that way but then the dates do tie in. It’s like our life before and after is completely different.
She behaves really well at school. She always has been one for rules. She is generally well behaved and easy to have around. It’s her emotions and behaviour that aren’t right sometimes - it is a control thing too. If we won’t buy her something or give her another packet of crisps. She will kick off. It’s excessive - how much she kicks off. And I see that it’s learnt behaviour.
I have thought about counselling due to the loss of our baby.
I just need to get away from him don’t I.
I’ve felt quite upset reading your replies.
I know all of this. But I’ve not accepted it. It hasn’t sunk in yet. He does a really good job of eye rolling if I mention any of it and making me feel like I’m being a drama
Queen. So to hear that maybe that’s not true is a bit surprising but also reassuring.

[ItsSpittingEverybodyIn]

If he's aggressive and rapes you, how long will it be till he kills you? He might not set out to but in his anger he could easily have you by the throat, your life is in danger op and so are your children's lives. Please get urgent help, we are right here behind you!

[pigeon999]

You haven't accepted it because if you do you will see this very very differently.

How would you feel if your dd ended up someone just like him?

Would you tell her to stay and work it out and put up with him raping and frightening her?
Would you be happy for her to sleep next to him every night not knowing what he will do? Would you feel relaxed about your little GD being around such an aggressive rapist?

[category12]

The other week when he left and was horrible to her - and that’s an objective thing. He was horrible. She was crying and for hours after asking after him.

Op, he's emotionally abusing your dd as well.

Her adoration is based on fear and desperately trying to please him. It's quite common for the safe parent to feel like the dangerous one is preferred - it's self-preservation by the child. Fawning over the aggressor is a way of keeping safe.

You're not able to protect her, I'm sure you're trying, but this environment is doing your children untold damage.

[VodselForDinner]

I don’t think she’s in danger

She’s a young girl in a house with a rapist. She’s in huge danger.

My daughter idolises him. Favours him every time.
The other week when he left and was horrible to her - and that’s an objective thing. He was horrible. She was crying and for hours after asking after him.

The relationship she establishes with her father is going to be pivotal in determining how she sees relationships in the future.
What you’ve just said is very worrying. She’s already idolizing someone who abuses her and is seeking their approval and validation.

[Russiandolleyes]

OP, I'm trying to say this gently, but you need to look after your DC and yourself. This will come to a head one way or another. In many ways, it's easier when they are younger. Save your DC heartache by that being you separating sooner rather than later.

My ex wasn't awful all the time either. We had 2 DC and he wasn't around much because of work (and play), so I could focus on them between the arguments. But when I realised that our separation was inevitable and started to think about all the ways that might happen outside of my control - how, when, etc, that's when one of his disrespectful actions became the last straw.

[sunflowersandtulips50]

Dont kid yourself that your DD idolises him. My father was violent towards my mum and I lived in a heightened state of anxiety. I thought I idolised him too, gushed over him and saw my mum as weak as he had spentall of our young lives being horrible to her so we thought it was normal. He left and we hardly saw him and I spent my adolescence going to see him and being horrible to my mum. Then it kind of hit me after my gran died who he really was and i went NC at the age of 17. Men like these damage DC, as adults we are left with unresolved issues, issues with anxiety and tend to fall into bad relationships. Protect your DD from this type of future

[Chungus]

@ememem84 not sure why we needed to know that you know them? Weird brag.

[GingerBeverage]

I'm so sorry about your baby loss.
You are being horribly abused.

But I’ve heard that men can react to children being born in this way. I can’t see it and it doesn’t seem that way but then the dates do tie in. It’s like our life before and after is completely different.

You are looking for excuses for his behaviour. You want to ask him for reasons. You want to pinpoint an event, or an action that you can blame for how he is. There is no event. He is to blame. The problem is him.

Stop telling him your plans. Stop believing he will change. These men don't change because this is who they are.

Keep seeking help. You're stronger than you imagine.

[MandB23]

You women(?) are amazing.
I wish I knew people like this in real life.
The scary thing is - people around us think he is amazing. I only have a dad. My dad adores him.
I’m just scared. Of leaving. Of what that means and what I do. And how I survive.
I feel stuck in the middle right now. Knowing what the right thing is but I somehow don’t have the strength!!!
It’s taken me years to get here. So I feel that I’ve made some progress. I just don’t feel brave enough to do what I need to do.

[Takingontheworld]

Please tell your dad what he does to you. 💐 you need support.


Your daughter needs help too. She clings to him because he is cold to her. Classic behaviour of an emotionally abused or neglected child. Help her by leaving 💖

I am so so sorry this is happening and for the loss of your baby. Xx

[Comtesse]

Have you ever told someone in real life? Maybe they would talk to you like MN. If you told your father what this evil man has done to you your dad would be appalled and I bet he would do anything to help you. Keep talking, keep thinking, the time will come. But don’t tell him what you’re reading ir that he’s abusive - it’s tipping him off, more important to stay safe.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

OP, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. It really is truly shocking. Please please tell your dad what’s happened or even show him this thread. I’d bet my life his adoration for your h will turn to extreme loathing in a heartbeat. Please lean on the good people around you and get away from this horror story. I don’t know you from Adam but I do know you deserve so much more than you have here.

[ememem84]

@chungus not bragging at all. I was just merely saying that I did and that there had been a case here (which if our media reports are to be believed was the first case in the UK, and definitely the first here which had been tried in our Royal Court, where the "event" had happened overseas).

Law has changed here recently so if it happens outside of the island charges can be brought on island even if the country it happened in doesn't consider it a crime.

the point being that the guilty party (who was convicted and received at least 5 years in prison and will be on the sex offenders register) was someone who was well known and respected here and known to both myself and dh - so it brings it home a bit that just because someone's well liked and respected doesn't mean that they aren't capable of this sort of thing.

[Chungus]

I think it's important to tell someone in real life. When my husband did something awful (nothing like yours) I forced myself to tell a family member, because I knew that I wouldn't be able to make excuses or pass it off as nothing if someone else knew too.

I left my husband, because it was the right thing to do. It was really hard to make the decision and for us to actually split, mainly because I felt I was losing some imaginary future that we had. But now looking back I can see that the future I wanted would have been a lie. Tainted. It's hard to do but you will feel so much better for it in the long run.

[Chungus]

No, you went as far as to say how you knew the victim and their profession. It was a very odd thing to post and completely irrelevant to your point.