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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What one thing (if just one) made you realise you were in an abusive relationship?

157 replies

AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 21:44

I didn’t realise at the time (and that will seem ridiculous to some!) but ‘D’H once told me that if I didn’t have sex with him he would ruin the following day for everyone.

I was suffering with endometriosis at the time, and by everyone, he meant me and our 3 children who at the time were 1,3 and 5.

Now we are separated I’m looking back through all the red flags and this sticks out the most. How I stayed another day I’ll never know, but it took me another 8 years.

OP posts:
HRHPP · 21/06/2020 21:48

I don’t think there is just 1 thing as the abuse occurs as your boundaries are worn down over time ....

My ex told me that he would leave me if I didn’t give him a blow job immediately , I didn’t and he didn’t sadly .
It took may years and a restraining order to get rid of him.

Original poster
AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 21:52

You’re right HRHPP - I think this was maybe the first major red flag and so maybe why it sticks out.

I didn’t mention that we had a day out planned for the following day - and he did, indeed, ruin it. I did try to put out, but had to stop because of the pain, and that wasn’t good enough. Apparently, I should have seen to his needs regardless of if I was in the mood or not.

OP posts:
HRHPP · 21/06/2020 22:10

I have so many examples ... of him dialling my parents number late at night when he was drunk And he threatened to tell them ‘stuff’ about me ....whilst I pleaded with him not to

Of him lying next to me - when I was breastfeeding my 2nd child who didn’t sleep- and telling me I was a fucking frigid bitch

When my 1 st child was about 2 weeks old and he said ‘as you had a c section you are ok down there ‘ and he proceeded to have sex with me as I cried silently so my baby would not hear in their Moses basket next to the bed .....

I could go on and on and on ...

Mumsnet helped me leave him

willsa · 21/06/2020 22:13

We were on holiday abroad and he was drunk, shouting and arguing "at me".
I told him he was behaving unreasonably and I'm absolutely exhausted because of the very late hour - it's better if we talk the next day, and stood up to leave the room.
He very chillingly, in a threatening manner said "You are not allowed to leave this room. The minute you set your foot outside this door, you can buy yourself a ticket back for the next morning (which he knew would not be possible for many reasons ). You are sleeping in our bed. I won't touch you, but you are staying in the room."

I stayed awake next to him snoring away, absolutely bewildered at that display of abusive control. It was the first sign.
It was clear to me that it is the situational trap, that made his mask slip.

I stayed in the relationship and allowed him to act in a similar manner quite a few more times. But I knew then. I was preparing to leave.

HRHPP · 21/06/2020 22:20

I am a professional woman and seen as assertive by most people and no one knew I was in a abusive relationship.... I was worn down over years. It can happen to anyone

Original poster
AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 22:21

Flowers HRHPP well done for getting out

and to you willsa

OP posts:
Original poster
AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 22:22

HRHPP - I was also a ‘fridgid bitch’

OP posts:
Weetabixandcrumpets · 21/06/2020 22:46

It took me 20 years and no one else had a clue that anything was going on, so was a complete shock when I left. Interestingly I have been roundly judged by a few people for not getting out earlier (Why didn't you leave if it was so bad etc etc?' ), with more than a few hints that I exaggerated it all.

Original poster
AnaisAna · 22/06/2020 07:46

not getting out earlier (Why didn't you leave if it was so bad etc etc?' ), with more than a few hints that I exaggerated it all.

Had all of this from ‘D’H. ‘If I’m that bad why did you stay’ ‘what kind of mother would stay if I was that bad’ ‘it’s obvious what you are doing, making everything seem worse’. This has all been in the last few days.

OP posts:
Weetabixandcrumpets · 22/06/2020 12:13

@AnaisAna I think this is a common problem and I do look back over that time and question why the heck I didn't react sooner.
I guess it is because you are trying to do the best you can within the limits of the situation, you are often not putting yourself first and of course, it's not bad all the time, which makes it very confusing. You have to give your younger self a break and take over from here Smile
I started to write it down and apply the 'If this was my daughter/best friend principle'. (My conclusion being I would drive over immediately and remove them from the situation!) .

NoMoreDickheads · 22/06/2020 12:26

@AnaisAna I'm glad you're realized what he's like. Please let us know when you've escaped, by making a thread. Flowers

As a lot of people know, I had an abusive 'F'WB.

What made me realize he was abusive was when he started to make his being mostly only interested in the sex clear by a constant barrage of sexual demands when he realized I wasn't as into the sex.

He was a manipulative narcissist and when I ended the sexual relationship he deliberately removed emotional intimacy in the hope that it'd make me start shagging him again to get that intimacy and friendship back (which was what I was in the 'relationship' for, not the bad sex.)

How he did this was really clearly a manipulative strategy. It also meant there was nothing in the relationship for me.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/06/2020 12:30

My ex told me that he would leave me if I didn’t give him a blow job immediately

When my 1 st child was about 2 weeks old and he said ‘as you had a c section you are ok down there ‘ and he proceeded to have sex with me

@HRHPP OMG. Sad Sad Sad Flowers Flowers Flowers xxx

Original poster
AnaisAna · 22/06/2020 12:31

I’ve left, but he is bouncing between more abuse and love bombing. I’m going to get some legal advice.

OP posts:
5LeafPenguin · 22/06/2020 12:45

Xh did and said some horrible things through selfishness, temper and contempt. One turning point was when I spoke to a friend about how things were and she was genuinely shocked . I realised that over the years other people had also been dropping hints/ asking if I was really ok...but I'd just wanted his behaiviour not to be a true reflection of how he felt about me and had tried to explain it away, to minimize it and to try to find the key to make him understand and stop.

It's hard to leave because if he is contemptuous of you in marriage your instinct knows that it will be much worse if you try to divorce.

Flippinfurloughed · 22/06/2020 12:53

There are 2 incidents (out of many) that stood out for me - the first was when he locked me in the house when he was angry with me about something, and then told me it was my fault because he wanted to finish talking to me and I was selfish in trying to get away. The second incident was much smaller, but he rearranged all my clothes in my drawers and got rid of loads he didn’t like. It was such a tiny incident in the grand scheme of things, but it helped me realise how controlling he was.

Idontkowmyname · 22/06/2020 13:06

My “DF” used to tell me as a child that my mum was a fridgid bitch that he didn’t know how me or my siblings could be his.
OP and others, I’m saddened that partners are treating you like this.

Original poster
AnaisAna · 22/06/2020 13:50

Seems to be a theme of men thinking they are entitled to sex at any cost Sad

OP posts:
PAND0RA · 22/06/2020 13:58

I agree. But it’s not about the sex, it’s about control. They feel entitled to use your body because it belongs to them. You are their servant and need to do what they want at all times.

If it was just about them wanting sex at a time when you didn’t want it, they would go without or sort themselves out. Just like women or normal men do.

TimelyManor · 22/06/2020 14:07

‘it’s obvious what you are doing, making everything seem worse’

This is why I daren't 'accuse' my ex of abuse. The physical stuff was undeniable (but he still tried) but the emotional abuse was so insidious it would obviously all be in my imagination, or I was trying to abuse him. He lies with such ease I wouldn't stand a chance. It makes me sick to my stomach that he has got away with it all but I can't see any other way other than just walking away and enjoying what's left of my life.

The thing that first made me realise was seeing posts from women on MN in similar situations and all the answers were saying they weren't normal or healthy relationships and I took a step back and saw a pattern in my ex's behaviour.

Having said that it wasn't until I was out of the relationship and had help from Women's Aid that I realised that even more of what he said and did was abusive. I felt so stupid.

Shutyoureyes · 22/06/2020 14:17

The thing that pops into my head often is when he told me if I was too tired or not in the mood, the least I should do would be to give him a bj. This was during a row on holiday, quite loudly with our teens in the next room with thin walls. Not sure why that one time always sticks in my head, doesnt even seem that bad compared to most, it was just the way it made me feel I think.

achillesratty · 22/06/2020 14:50

I was having a heart attack (at 40) and they were trying to save my life, he got up announced he was "bored" and was going home.

The next day he came to the hospital and said I had ruined his life by having a heart attack.

When I got home from the hospital he dumped my bags in the hall and said "if you want anything to eat or drink you will have to make it yourself, there's a rugby match on I want to watch". I already had a degenerative neurological disease and crawled upstairs on my hands and knees to my bedroom, I had a relapse and couldn't walk for months. He ignored me for the next six weeks and wouldn't even bring me a glass of water.

NoMoreDickheads · 22/06/2020 14:57

OMFG. That is fucking awful Achilles. Are you free of him now/how long have you been out?

5LeafPenguin · 22/06/2020 15:06

That's unforgivable Achilles. I had a similar experience except it was cancer ... during the hideous wait between diagnosis and staging I explained how hurt I was by his lack of support and he mimicked me in a really spiteful voice, then followed it up with It's not all about you, you know:

achillesratty · 22/06/2020 15:08

Left 10 years ago and I love my life now. I walked away from a 20 year marriage with nothing, just to get away and I don't regret for a second. I am only on half the medication I was taking when I was with him and not had a major relapse in those 10 years.

I also have a younger partner who treats me so well, he cooks, cleans, buys me chocolate and wine, he's definitely a keeper and not at all phased by my illness. I can't believe how good my life is now.

5LeafPenguin · 22/06/2020 15:12

That's so nice to read, your new partner sounds lovely.