What one thing (if just one) made you realise you were in an abusive relationship?

[AnaisAna]

I didn’t realise at the time (and that will seem ridiculous to some!) but ‘D’H once told me that if I didn’t have sex with him he would ruin the following day for everyone.

I was suffering with endometriosis at the time, and by everyone, he meant me and our 3 children who at the time were 1,3 and 5.

Now we are separated I’m looking back through all the red flags and this sticks out the most. How I stayed another day I’ll never know, but it took me another 8 years.

@5LeafPenguin

That's unforgivable Achilles. I had a similar experience except it was cancer ... during the hideous wait between diagnosis and staging I explained how hurt I was by his lack of support and he mimicked me in a really spiteful voice, then followed it up with It's not all about you, you know:

I hope you are healthy and happy now.

They must total narcissists, they can't comprehend anyone else matters. The best thing for me is, even though we were together for over 20 years I never give him a moment's thought now, it's as though he doesn't exist.

That is so good to hear, Achilles . Your and 5Leaf's stories are horrendous. They don't like it when we're ill, do they? And don't they need to let us know. Whether they caused the ailment or made it worse being a moot point

Oh there are so many but I just didn't realize at the time. Married my first bf that I met at 17 and so I think I thought this was normal really.

Found out he had an affair which completely blindsided me and I ended up having a nervous breakdown and admitted for hospital for 2 weeks. He told everyone I'd had a 'brain fart'. Including our DC.

You might remember as I posted here a bit but he worked away and would place my vibrator in a position so that if it was moved from where he placed it, he could 'catch me out' for having used it while he was away.

If he'd been away before he'd even unpacked he claimed he needed a shag. Most of the time this was during the day or coming home from work time so with 2 DC was during the busiest time of the day. If I didn't agree he would sulk and ask what the point was of coming home etc.

There are so many more but I've put them away in a memory bank so these are the few that sprang to mind.

OH he told my children that I have a hairy arsehole. Which even now has taken me a lot to type out. I'm not particularly hairy anywhere tbh so I have no clue why he would so or say something like this to them.

I have learned so much since then. Ie how not to be a doormat.

@achillesratty

Left 10 years ago and I love my life now. I walked away from a 20 year marriage with nothing, just to get away and I don't regret for a second. I am only on half the medication I was taking when I was with him and not had a major relapse in those 10 years.

I also have a younger partner who treats me so well, he cooks, cleans, buys me chocolate and wine, he's definitely a keeper and not at all phased by my illness. I can't believe how good my life is now.

So very happy to read this Achilles.

Sorry for how you were treated.

Oh @achillesratty that's disgusting! I really hope you are free of him now!

I don't have one thing - it sort of snuck up on me over the first 6 months of us being together and he went from being lovely and caring to controlling and angry. I tried to leave after 6 months but it was in the days of no internet or mobiles and he took my passport so I had nowhere to go (no family in this country). After around 18 months a colleague helped me pack up my things and go to a housing association but I was back with him after 2-3 weeks. In the end I stayed over 20 years and finally left last year.

I was also a frigid bitch. One of the early signs were him forcing himself on me when he came home in the early hours drunk. He would lock me out of the house at night (at the time in a rough part of London) when he didn't feel like company. He would make grand gestures like expensive weekends away so everyone would be impressed with him but he always created an argument before / during because I wasn't "grateful enough" and I dreaded them. He used the children to manipulate me to the point that I hardly ever went out as I didn't want to leave them with him. I lost most of my friends as, on the rare occasion that I made arrangements to go out he would realise he had plans last minute and they trumped mine so I had to cancel. He made my family uncomfortable visiting and ruined many birthdays / Christmas celebrations. The final straw came when he ruined my dad's funeral by being on the phone to work the whole time and constantly demanding my attention, threatening to book a flight home if I didn't drive him from the funeral back to my Mum's house (in the middle of the ceremony) etc. I knew then I would leave him. It took 4 more years before I managed but I'm out. I only wish I knew how easy it was to leave in the end. I built it up as impossible but actually it was way easier than staying and I should have left years ago. I suffered from PTSD for a while and still overreact in triggering situations but despite that my life is a million times better now and I look forward to the future, not dread it.

I'm still trying to divorce him over 2 years later and it is costing me a small fortune as he is doing what he can to stall but there is progress and he can't stall forever.

@5LeafPenguin Awful, glad you've escaped. xxxxx

They must total narcissists, they can't comprehend anyone else matters.

Achilles- I think it's worse than that. Some of them enjoy hurting and/or neglecting people.

he told my children that I have a hairy arsehole.

@Isthis - WTF. 'Mental.' I suppose they do and say these things to degrade us, plus sometimes to try and get others including children to degrade us too.

I have learned so much since then. Ie how not to be a doormat.

Yes- me too. Never again, I hope!

@achillesratty

You rock !!!!

when he started to behave towards my children the way he behaves towards me.
It was crystal clear it was not 'their fault' and I suddenly realised that perhaps, just perhaps it was not mine either.

But the realisation is not linear and it can take time to get out.

@isthismylifenow the only hairy arsehole is him.

One that stands out though is that I had an evening 'out' (at a friends house, 5 miles away, for her birthday, a 'girls night' when I didn't drink)
He called me 14 times on my phone in 3 hours, at which point I went home. He was standing at the landing window watching me drive down the road, tapping his watch. It was the only evening out I'd had in 6 years and I didn't get another for 4 years. I now live alone (with my 2 kids with ASD) and I dont get 'evenings out' but I am not in fear now. He was a classic 'shy / nice guy' outside the house and a devil in

@Weetabix - LOL

The one thing that always sticks out for me and when I realised that I needed to get out was - when he was driving and I was in the passenger side and repeatedly pinched and twisted the tops of my thighs all because I rang him and asked him to pick me up. My legs were black and blue

On the rare occasion that I made arrangements to go out he would realise he had plans last minute and they trumped mine so I had to cancel.

This.
I would have to ask over and over if he could be home so I could go out. I could never agree to anything without making people wait...then if he said yes he'd be late home and in a bad mood with the kids so I never enjoyed it anyway.

ps Thank you for you kind words. I was very lucky to be early stage and I'm signed off the checks now, which is great.

It took me so long to get away and I'm glad I am but it's still not settled, because, well, why would he make it easy?

For me I somehow managed to excuse the name calling, the swearing and the shouting. Despite saying if he laid a hand on me, I would walk, the times he did, I found it easy to excuse or dismiss because he never hit me, despite kicking and shoving me in bed to 'check I was alive' after an argument, pinning me against the door because I got in his way, or shutting my arm in the fridge, because 'I moved in the way on purpose'.

One comment that has stuck with me was him telling me our daughter would grow up to hate me. I can never forgive that very obvious attempt to hurt me. And just the fact that at work I have a decent managerial position, where I consider myself assured, decisive, strong and respected. At home I was indecisive, unsure or myself, miserable and totally disrespected. I felt weak. And wondered how that could just be a reflection on me when I was the sane person.

Emotional abuse has the power and subtlety of water. It is totally unrepentant, and all powerful, and yet on the surface looks calm and beautiful. You can't see the damage it is doing. It is so subtle. But the damage is the nonetheless.

My situation was really covert abuse. I couldn’t put my finger on it at all and it was his extreme fussiness with food. I honestly could serve this guy anything from sausages and mash to a gourmet meal and he would moan and whinge his way through it. Nothing I cooked was ever right.

I actually started a thread on here about it and it was actually other mumsnetters that probed me in further detail about the relationship as a ‘whole’ that made me realise that it was just one form of his abuse. He had actually started causing me sleep deprivation by waking me up frequently and sorry to be so graphic but would frequently shove his finger up my bottom and laugh as I cried out in pain. Of course it was all a joke to him...‘I was just joking’...‘I was only messing around’...‘don’t be such a wuss that didn’t hurt you’...

And yes sex entitlement...if I said no, he would get in a mood so I said yes to appease him.

I got out of there rapidly upon realisation (with a little help from the lovely people on here).
Vile man.

What I’m reading on this thread about other people’s experiences of men like this makes my heart truly heavy so to you all.

Dd and I have a phrase 'those who get it, get it' about EA. Because it can be very hard to explain. We don't talk about it much because of this but I do sometimes wonder if people who don't know us well enough to know what happened put two and two together.

[quote Weetabixandcrumpets]@isthismylifenow the only hairy arsehole is him.[/quote]
Absolutely

I'll try not to cry as I write this (so silly I know).

He had done some cooking and a friend had asked if they could have some as they were so delicious. They took some and he went dead silent like he always did and I knew I had to wait until we got home to find out why. He drove really fast on the way home, flew open the front door, got on his hands and knees and repeatedly punched the metal tin the goods were in sending bits of food everywhere. He started screaming and shouting because they were hardly any effing left. It was terrifying but it was the first time I realised how afraid of him I was and the first time ever that I left the house whilst he raged. I can still feel the door handle in my hand and how weak my legs felt. The next day he told me I should eat the food off the floor and was clearly still in a mood over it. That's the day I realised I had to get out but it was also the day that I knew I was strong enough to do it.

There were lots of other things that were happening but I always thought it was my fault (I said the wrong thing, not enough sex, rubbish girlfriend etc). I couldn't understand how this had anything to do with me but I had to suffer it anyway. Sometimes I don't think it was abuse because he hit the tin, walls, doors etc not me but I guess I thought one day it could be me.

I got out of there rapidly upon realisation (with a little help from the lovely people on here)

@MellowMelly Yes, I was starting to feel what was happening was wrong but the people here helped me realize what was happening/where he was heading. I think they might even have stopped me suffering a devastating discard because I started seeing it was coming because he wasn't getting the sex he wanted. So I blocked as a preemptive strike.

@JustBeingMoi you just made me remember, my ex asked me as if he was perplexed, but WHY doesn’t your mum like you? He did it so many times, just slipped it into conversation that my mum didn’t like me, in retrospect I can see he was distancing me from her and eroding my confidence - but at the time it gave me a massive complex.

he told my children that I have a hairy arsehole.

Aside from the fact that only someone insane would talk about their mother's arsehole, hirsuite or not, to their children ...

Is he too thick to realise that pretty much every adult has hair around their genitals, taking in their ass (which is centimetres away from the genitals and that the main reason anyone doesn't, is that they have it removed??

Or was hesl actually complaining about you not having it removed .. to your children?

How old are these children - would that sort of behaviour not be considered a form of sexual abuse, talking about inappropriate intimate matters to kids?

Eat the food off the floor. Oh path, that's horrible. You poor thing.

Smashing the tin in front of you was abusive. I wouldnt always have known that though.

It's the build up of these incidents...it pushes you under. Well done for getting out after this

Oh there are a lot for me.
He thought he was entitled to sex when ever he wanted it, whether i said no or not. He would sulk and sleep on the sofa or just proceed to do as he wished anyway.

But one that really stands out to me was a few day's maybe a week after my son was born i caught a sickness bug, couldn't keep anything down for longer than 10 minutes. I asked him to feed him, to which i got screamed at and called a useless fucking bitch.
I left him before my son turned two, it's been nearly 5 years

[quote Flippinfurloughed]@JustBeingMoi you just made me remember, my ex asked me as if he was perplexed, but WHY doesn’t your mum like you? He did it so many times, just slipped it into conversation that my mum didn’t like me, in retrospect I can see he was distancing me from her and eroding my confidence - but at the time it gave me a massive complex.[/quote]
Snap!