What one thing (if just one) made you realise you were in an abusive relationship?

[AnaisAna]

I didn’t realise at the time (and that will seem ridiculous to some!) but ‘D’H once told me that if I didn’t have sex with him he would ruin the following day for everyone.

I was suffering with endometriosis at the time, and by everyone, he meant me and our 3 children who at the time were 1,3 and 5.

Now we are separated I’m looking back through all the red flags and this sticks out the most. How I stayed another day I’ll never know, but it took me another 8 years.

In retrospect, the first time he saw me without my clothes on and called me "fat". I was a size 12. My mind boggles at how low my self esteem must have been to ever see him again, let alone pursue a relationship with him albeit one that ended with a restraining order.

Your experiences are so upsetting. I am so sorry.

I am utterly ashamed that I was a victim of abuse. That I allowed myself to be victimised and treated like shit. I seriously thought no-one else would want me.

I was in an emotionally and physically abuse relationship for four years. My self-esteem was shattered. I thought I deserved his punishments, spiteful comments. That I was a bad, pathetic, waste of space.

He would regularly kick me off his bed just for the fun of it.

If I annoyed him he would demand I move to the spare room. I was able to get home easily but yet I stayed.

Despite earning three times as much as I did we would rotate paying for meals, cinema etc. I was a student on £6 an hour (12 hours a week), he worked full-time on £22k and lived at home. 20 years ago may I add.

He would laugh when I cried.

He attacked me on the street and a passer by intervened.

He called me frumpy.

He regularly informed me he received a lot of attention from women when out clubbing and he has a lot of options.

He would gaslight me many times, completely twist past conversations and become angry when I addressed it.

The shame is not yours, Faith50 . You're away from him now, that's the main thing.

Urgh. Another horrified but comforted by this thread.
Probably the first I remember was going to a club with ex-H when I was at uni, him getting wasted and when I wanted to go at 2am, lost his rag and told me i was a fucking bitch who spoiled everything for him, I could fuck off home but he wasn't coming cos he hated me.

The next day apologised and blamed it on Stella, and muggins here believed me.

I also got called frigid, illnesses ignored, shouted at, blamed for everything. I've blocked loads of it out, the other day DD was telling me about an argument we had where daddy was shouting at me and kicking the sofa. I don't even remember it.

I didn't put 2 and 2 together and realise it was abuse until I started seeing a psychologist regarding long standing depression. It took several months of talking and watching how he behaved to realise what was happening because he had so thoroughly convinced me he was a great husband and his anger and sexual abuse was a response to how crap I was .

I am still struggling hugely with it all, 2 years later. I feel quite traumatised tbh

People I know in person do not want to hear about this. I feel it will follow me for the rest of my life, but I’m expected to be over it by now (15 years out). Although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s making me feel less marked out for abuse that so many other women have gone through this too. Many hugs to my sisters out there.

For me the last straw was when he told me he would break up with me if I joined a gym because women only go there to look at other men.

That was the last straw for me in a long list of things he wouldn't let me do. So I broke up with him! He didn't like that at all.

I am still struggling hugely with it all, 2 years later. I feel quite traumatised tbh

Same. I've had therapy and it's helped in some respects but I'm in no way 'over it'. I want to be, I don't want to be giving the shit any head space at all but there are so many things that trigger memories.

Tickled me until long past the point that it was funny, pinning me down while I begged him to stop.
Giving me one word answers to text messages, which let me know that he was angry about something, but saving the anger for days until he was ready to let me have it with both barrels. The waiting was torture and the anger almost a relief.
Punishing me out of the blue with small acts of spite over things that had happened days ago that he'd objected to, such as not sending him an up skirt picture when he'd demanded one.
Endless demands to send him explicit pictures and fury if I didn't comply or didn't inform him if I'd touched myself , endless requests to send him my underwear and rage if I didn't.
Penetrating me with glass dildos that he kept in the freezer, despite me saying no and telling him how much I hated it. He would hide them and pin me down so I couldn't get away.
Vicious insults that still echo round my head. Accusations and anger and gaslighting so that I truly believed I was an ugly whore who was routinely cruel, angry, insane and unreasonable.

He would tell me that I was “dripping poison” if I dared to mention his drinking the grocery money, that the kids could not be called names, that he should not call me a bitch, a stupid bitch, etc.

I felt every week that I was in one of those sad TV movie of the week things, his behaviour was so dramatic and over the top and pointless.

It’s taken me into late middle age to learn to stand up for myself more (I keep getting bullied at the string of jobs I’ve had since the divorce).

Now my son is a young adult (at uni) I’ve found it really eye opening to find out I’m not “impossible to live with”, and don’t “drive anyone to drink” etc. It was not me all along.

@ritascornershop it was never you

@frocksmock Thank you lovely. He was filled with conviction that it was me (bar two drunken texts years apart, after the divorce in which he apologized and said I was a good wife). That drip-drip of telling me how awful I was ... it’s hard to entirely shake. I like me, but I feel other people maybe don’t. It’s rewired my brain, but I’m working on it.

Timelymanner Thank you.

I had cancer . I was terrified of the surgery as was major and would impact me for the rest of my life. He just got up and left when I was sobbing with fear before the op. I had to wait alone and terrified for my surgery.

I had to have treatment as an inpatient and be isolated . He didn’t visit as he didn’t like hospitals .

The treatment involved a restricted diet and made me feel very unwell. He ate the treat food I had bought that I was allowed to eat and he replaced it with food I couldn’t eat when challenged... and he told me I was ridiculous to be upset about it .

I am still suffering from the impact of the years of abuse. I honestly don’t know how I feel about things sometimes as I had no option to have my feelings considered for so many years I just stopped feeling.

I have to ask myself ‘ how does this make you feel ‘ frequently and it often takes me ages to work out my true feelings .

@Faith50 You have nothing to feel ashamed of. xxx

He was filled with conviction that it was me

@Ritascornershop We don't even know if he genuinely believes this, as they're so full of shit we can't believe a word they say. Everything is designed to manipulate and cause an emotional response.

For everyone still suffering the after effects and knock-on effects of trauma, I'd recommend EMDR therapy. It is evidence based and works faster than normal talking therapies. You can get it on the NHS.

Punishing me out of the blue with small acts of spite over things that had happened days ago that he'd objected to

I had this too. There was one occasion when he walked out of the room and the thought came into my head "He's going to kick off at some point". I didn't even know what he'd taken offence at. It took 3 days and his reason for being angry at me was such a weak excuse but I could see it for what it was. His mother was the same - I called her up on her racism and a few months later she 'got her own back'.

@Flower8

Oh there are a lot for me. He thought he was entitled to sex when ever he wanted it, whether i said no or not. He would sulk and sleep on the sofa or just proceed to do as he wished anyway.

But one that really stands out to me was a few day's maybe a week after my son was born i caught a sickness bug, couldn't keep anything down for longer than 10 minutes. I asked him to feed him, to which i got screamed at and called a useless fucking bitch.
I left him before my son turned two, it's been nearly 5 years

I could have wrote this word for word. Only difference was XSIL was sat in the room at the same time.

Not relationship, but more of a toxic friendship with a male colleague.

Sadly, it took me far too long to realise that I was in an abusive situation and it has damaged my mental and emotional health even to this day. I don't talk about it anymore with anyone, not even dh.

This person repeatedly disrespected my boundaries, gaslighted me and generally put me down when I was in his company and if I objected, told me it was just a joke. This person I guess is what you would call an emotional vampire and a "drain". He stalked me and made even my commute to work a misery for some time when I ignored him. A few years later he wrote me an email to "apologise". I didn't make it past the first paragraph before getting rid of it from my inbox. That was 6 years ago.

I have just remembered another one .

Message notifications popped up on my iPad , they were from a female friend that he knew. He wanted me to show him the messages . I refused. He held my dog up by her lead and said he would hang her if I didn’t show him . She couldn’t breathe. I had to show him the messages or he would have killed my dog.

I have to ask myself ‘ how does this make you feel ‘ frequently and it often takes me ages to work out my true feelings .
Yes me too. DP thinks I over analyse things, where really it just takes me ages to work out how I feel

HRHPP he sounds awful. You poor thing. I hope you are well rid of him now.

So sorry HRHPP. I hope you are in a better and safer place now.

I finally got rid of him 4 years ago but I had 2 court cases - one criminal where he was found guilty of harassment and one financial . He bullied me to the end and almost financially ruined me with the divorce as he would not back down .

I am ok but just really struggling with lockdown now as I don’t live with my lovely new partner and we can’t see each other due to the rules ... it is really very hard indeed. I am home with children and no hope of seeing my partner on the horizon ( she lives with shielded family 100 miles away )

His neighbour (who I'd never met) begged me to leave for my safety.

Do you think these men ever change? I fled a year ago with our toddler. I know he abused his ex before me (seen the court documents). I strongly suspect he has a new gf now. Would he be abusing her too? Or has being dragged through court by two different women changed his ways? What are the chances?

The wet towel (only ever left on my side of the bed) and the leaving of the dirty clothes for weeks when I refused to pick them up...pp just made me remember these.

His abuse wasn't nearly as bad as some on here, but I recognise echoes of it in his behaviour. Almost as though he wanted to be really abusive but lacked the imagination, so it was all the low key not being home when I needed to go out, refusing to do anything in the house (unless we had visitors in which case he was all 'perfect housewife). It was just so low grade that I couldn't really term it 'abuse'. But, in my case, the real thing that tipped the scales was him pushing me over when I was pregnant, because I asked him to take a day off work to mind the kids so I could go to London with my co-writer to kick start our TV writing career.