What one thing (if just one) made you realise you were in an abusive relationship?

[AnaisAna]

I didn’t realise at the time (and that will seem ridiculous to some!) but ‘D’H once told me that if I didn’t have sex with him he would ruin the following day for everyone.

I was suffering with endometriosis at the time, and by everyone, he meant me and our 3 children who at the time were 1,3 and 5.

Now we are separated I’m looking back through all the red flags and this sticks out the most. How I stayed another day I’ll never know, but it took me another 8 years.

@HatRack I think it's highly unlikely that he will have changed. It seems like the behaviour is something that is deeply engrained in them

"Zaphod* that's horrible. I can't believe how much of these men follow the same pattern in such detail.

unless we had visitors in which case he was all 'perfect housewife that's another yes from me. Once a friend stayed midweek...it was like Mary Poppns got out of bed and did the school run ( all with a fake bonhomie laugh) . Neither me nor the kids knew what was going on. That was a sign to me that he could easily control it....he just didn't want to.

Hatrack no they don't change, why would they?in there eyes there's nothing wrong with them for they are superior.. partners are merely a source of supply, if one eventually works them out and manages to leave, they just find the next source.. they are incapable of empathy or real love.

Being told by Women's Aid that what XH was doing was emotional abuse was a start, but even then I stayed. I was scared that somehow he would end up with custody of our child and things were always up and down. We would have weeks, occasionally months, of everything being ok.

Eventually we hit a bad patch that just went on. He'd been in a terrible mood for weeks and I was trying to get him to tell me why. We were in the kitchen at the time and he picked up the chopping board (12 x 18 x 3 inch butchers block) and swung round at me yelling that "If you don't shut the fuck up now I'm going to put this somewhere".

He never actually laid a hand on me and when I left six months later he said time and again he couldn't understand why I was scared of him.

Zaphodsotherhead god i hope he is now an ex

What to wear
No SM
What job to have
Remain fat

He did so many things in a relatively short time, but I think the most pivotal was him shouting at me and mimicking in the street one morning, to the point of making me cry and making other people turn and look (it was over nothing - I'd tried to make a joke to lighten the atmosphere, he flipped). It wasn't so much the shouting or the sneering or the people staring, but more what happened a few days later when I referenced it and he flat out denied it happening, telling me 'I have no idea what you're talking about'. It was such bizarre behaviour that it made me confide in my mate - about this but also all the stuff that came before it, too. As soon as I confided in her, I had someone to verify how appalling his behaviour was, and it kind of took his power away. It still took a few months for me to leave him, but this was a huge moment.

Not sure how relevant mind is because thank god he left me a long while ago but I think I need to write them down as I've never told a soul the truth

He used to start arguments so he had a reason to go off back to his home town for the weekend taking the car, I remember writing what he'd do one Saturday morning predicting it, he was gobsmacked and very angry when I showed him after he did asbid predicted on paper.

I had my son, sat for a few hours greeting family etc, stood and unfortunately flooded, he called me disgusting because I made a mess if blood on the floor

I struggled to get my son to latch in the first few days, repeatedly called me a shit mum

Went back to his home town during son's first two weeks, took car and left me alone with baby

I slept on sofa because he kept hassling me for sex in first couple of weeks and then I had to stay there as baby disturbed him, I used to have night terrors my son had accidentally suffocated or similar (I tried to sleep safely, I was just terrified I would doze off feeding him etc

Used to pinch me or step in my foot etc, not proper violence just little niggles

I went to leave and go to my dad's so he took my memory box and set fire to it in the garden ( had son's things in too)

Used to say "get me anything" then say he'd said diet coke for example and use it as excuse to rant etc

I remember being handed the yellow pages when I was pregnant and being told to book a termination

I could go on and I apologize for going on so much but it's been in my head for years

mummy vent away, we understand. He sounds awful.

@Mummyneedsginnow please don't apologise. He sounds like an awful excuse for a human being x

Years and years of subtle abuse that no one else noticed, was with him for 28 years. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and he told me to pull myself together as he didn’t believe in depression and refused to discuss it ever again.

Would throw my things out, was never home when I needed him to be and on the rare occasion he did look after his own children I paid the price for weeks after.

Never told me his plans but would swear he had, frequently disappeared supposedly to his father’s for the entire weekend leaving me with three children and no car to get them to their activities, parties and play dates. When our youngest was born saved his paternity leave for a boys only holiday.

Had me totally convinced that I was the one at fault, I was too sensitive, too needy and demanding in the relationship. Would come home pissed and angry and demand his “conjugal” rights, even most of the time he barely looked at me.

It was a chance meeting with someone I barely knew that showed me the light. She was telling me about problems in her relationship and couldn’t believe that I didn’t react in horror at some of the things she told me. I’d said she’d just described my life and she said in no uncertain terms that my relationship was far from normal and she thought it was abusive. That was the first time I’d heard that term and it sent me into a complete tailspin. It took eighteen months for it to sink in to the point I could tell someone else. I was being treated for depression so told my GP that I thought my relationship was abusive and he helped me find my way out.

It took three years to get my divorce and a further year to sell the house and I’m still waiting for therapy for PTSD but life is so much better without him.

I think it’s very sad that there are so many similar stories on here. I hope I’ve brought my son up to be a kind, caring and compassionate young man.

@Mummyneedsginnow Don't apologize. This site is where we can share what's happening /has happened to us in the knowledge that others will empathize and many have been there.

How're you feeling nowadays?

Took me years to realize due to his and sadly also partly my families minimizing. Apparently if you grab someone by the throat because they have dared to stand up to you it is ok if it is a one off! Sadly there were lots of one offs just as there were lots of occasions were he full on screamed at me despite also telling me he had never shouted at anyone in his life. When his mh detoriated to the stage he ended up with a cpn it was the cpn who said to me I must have been walking on eggshells for years but it took me a year out of the relationship and a referral to the DA service to fully appreciate how much that was true and how I had spent years being made to feel like my own feelings didn’t matter. He would say really awful things but then expect me to carry on playing happy families like it had never happened. Fortunately 2 close friends also saw him for what he was and the Lundy book (thank you Mumsnet) was a real eye opener but I am still not fully free legally and emotionally it is still a rollercoaster.

@Jellykat In their messed up way they do believe they love their partner but it is not the love that you or I know.
It was very sobering to see in black and white “ they are incapable of empathy or real love“. Anything or anyone who does not align with their reality implicitly is perceived as an adversary and they defend their reality accordingly.

God this site has saved me

I left a emotional abusive relationship 6 weeks ago...he did it for me as in another temper rage he threw me and my daughter out...we haven't gone back....with him 4 years started 2 years ago...he trashed the house twice. Throwing mine and my daughters belongings everywhere and down the stairs, throwing food out of the fridge just trashing everything, calling us both names....saying his house his rules...in space of 3 months.then blaming it on me saying I was pushing his buttons and my daughter not listening to him...calling me names.. slag.slut.whore etc etc accusing me of things so wasnt allowed on Facebook.. when I was ill with temperature I wasnt allowed to stay in bed. I still had to get up and dressed and clean and cook dinner. If he was ill spent days in bed with full waitress service ! .he was horrible treated my daughter with no respect.. if he didn't like my attitude I had to sleep on the sofa or he put me in the spare room with all my belongings, he emptied the wardrobe and chest of drawes with my stuff and threw it on spare bedroom floor...I had to sleep in there for a few nights until he was ready to have me in main room..he phoned my dad one night and said he chose the wrong sister and I am.mentally insane.. .so much stuff constant bits everyday...in front of his family he was charming..in front of neighbours and friends he was charming...I got to the point of tip toeing round him walking on egg shells. I knew things wasnt right in the last year. I didnt quite understand what was going on...now I have left it feels like no one believes me as they say u should of left ages ago but u dont know what's really happening when your in it....I havent spoken to family members as I have had no support all they says is coukdnt of been that bad or you should of stayed u had a lovely home etc or at your age you should of stayed...
So now I am second guessing myself

I told my family that I was very unwell and would possibly need to go into hospital for a few months. Afterwards he said he wished he was dead because all my parents did was talk about me. A couple of days later he started complaining about the lack of sex and so I slept with him even though it hurt because I was scared he would leave me, because I thought I owed it to him and because I thought he might treat me better. There was a lot of that and it's really messed me up. I feel like I consented to sex I didn't want and I only have myself to blame.

I had compassion focused therapy and part of the treatment was picturing a compassionate other, warm embrace, soft smile, look of understanding etc. I cried every single time until I realised I had no compassionate other and that was never going to change.

Oh @Casper22, it is never too late to leave and we all know that we would trade nice houses and things for a partner who treats us like an equal human being. I'm so glad you left, you deserve so much more than he gave you.

@sunflowersandtulips50 He most assuredly is an ex!

This is one reason why sites like this are so valuable (although I left my XH pre-MN days). In isolation we can all be forced to believe that we are the ones at fault. When you come on a site like this and the sheer body of evidence proves that, no, we are all right. It is our partners that are at fault - it can give us the mental framework to realise what is really happening!

I remember one of my work colleagues who I despised for being a lazy prick who offloaded all his work to the female staff (not the men of course) and spent half the day outside smoking while his patients waited in the corridor saying to other men quite loudly at a work meeting once, "I think women should be jailed for not agreeing to sleep with their husbands whenever we want it".
There was stony silence around the room.
He should have been sacked years ago but our managers were too pathetic to deal with him.
As for me I'm too afraid to have another relationship, I don't trust men as far as I can throw them. Even people I really loved have betrayed or abused me in some way or just left with discussion for someone else.

Luckily I don't need a man, I am financially independent and own my own home but sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone share things with.

For people who have managed to divorce their abusive ex, I'd like some advice.

I have filed for divorce, and have the decree nisi. However, I can't get my ex to engage in agreeing to any kind of financial settlement. He stalls and delays at every turn. Is there any way to enforce a timetable so I can actually finish this chapter of my life and properly move on?

I think you need to go to court and ask the judge to step in, but you might have to show proof its him refusing to engage. so try to get something in writing like an email chain.

If you cant afford a lawyer google for the nearest Law Centre. They give legal advice to people who can't afford to pay, they should have a sliding scale of fees.

Financials and childcare need to be sorted before decree absolute and the judge will expect you to try mediation before getting him involved. When I had mediation it was basically a solicitor acting objectively so it was useful. The mediator will help you fill in financial paperwork and agree settlement with him.
You can request mediation and if he refuses that will be evidence of him stalling.
Really you should consult a solicitor yourself too.

Aargh before getting the judge involved. Nice bit of unconscious bias on my part

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/mediation-to-help-you-separate/