What one thing (if just one) made you realise you were in an abusive relationship?

[AnaisAna]

I didn’t realise at the time (and that will seem ridiculous to some!) but ‘D’H once told me that if I didn’t have sex with him he would ruin the following day for everyone.

I was suffering with endometriosis at the time, and by everyone, he meant me and our 3 children who at the time were 1,3 and 5.

Now we are separated I’m looking back through all the red flags and this sticks out the most. How I stayed another day I’ll never know, but it took me another 8 years.

Interesting about 'why doesnt X like you' ?

I can see that is a form of distancing from your support networks.

but what if you have a new partner, and describe your previous partners abuse and they ask (repeatedly): 'but why did he do that'?
when you have explained that he was abusive and did it because he could. Is that a bit 'off' too? It certainly made me feel not believed / as though it was more important to understand what had upset the man in the situation rather than what the man was doing to the woman (not the phoning when out for evening stuff but outright abuse like pushing someone down the stairs, so eg if that is described the response would be: 'but why did he want to push you'

I'm so sorry so many of you have had these horrible experiences. [flower] [flower] Glad if you are out. xxx

@GilbertMarkham

he told my children that I have a hairy arsehole.

Aside from the fact that only someone insane would talk about their mother's arsehole, hirsuite or not, to their children ...

Is he too thick to realise that pretty much every adult has hair around their genitals, taking in their ass (which is centimetres away from the genitals and that the main reason anyone doesn't, is that they have it removed??

Or was hesl actually complaining about you not having it removed .. to your children?

How old are these children - would that sort of behaviour not be considered a form of sexual abuse, talking about inappropriate intimate matters to kids?

Ds was 16 and dd 13 at the time. It was not said in front of me, the DC told me he said it. Ex seemed to think it was hilarious.

To say I was floored when I found out, was an understatement.

I still don't and never will understand it. But probably thought he was so funny and trying to swing the DC around with his hilarious antics. That one backfired as ds has less than no time for him now.

To be honest this affected me more than any of the other twattish things he did.

Wow some horrible stories here. My ex used to come home drunk and call me a fucking tragedy. All my fault. He drove kids back from school drunk and my friends called me to warn me. Called the solicitor that day. We are safe now...1 year on...
Took 4 years to leave him
Now dont even think about him .
Feel reborn...enlightened....

The first time I encountered a behaviour that totally threw me (which only years later did I realise was part of a chronology of abuse) was when my first boyfriend yelled at me in the car on the way home from the pub ... because I was turning to the person on the other side of me and talking to them.

The thing is, I knew this would piss him off, so I was deliberately not turning too much, so he wouldn't feel cut off. It didn't stop his rage.

I finally knew for certain when I was desperately ill, going I to hospital as a day patient most days, and he wouldn't take any time off work to look after our children or do anything more around the house. He just got up and left me to it, going into work at 6am entirely by choice.

And then he denied doing it when I challenged him over it. Proper, continual gas lighting for years made me doubt myself...

We were all friends; I wasn't talking to a stranger.

Some incredibly inspirational - and heartbreaking - posts for you all x

I am also seeing so many similarities which is really helping me. It’s amazing how much I have buried or excused.

Another that stands out is him commenting on my portion sizes, often in front of guests. But only to help me feel better about myself as I am always moaning about my weight and maybe I would enjoy a sex a bit more of I wasn’t so worried about my body...

I’m a heathy size 12.

The illness thing is really striking a cord. A few years ago I had a major operation and he came with all 3 DC to see me when I had come round. I am hopeless after a general with terrible sickness and on this occasion I was in an excruciating amount of pain. I winced as they all came in talking loudly, sitting on the bed (the DC were too young to understand) and he scowled at me and made me feel awful asking them to keep it down. When I was discharged the day I came home he stood over the bed shouting about what a shit hole I’d left the house in before going in. I had been pretty much bed bound in the run up to the op. I ended up needing another op as I did damage doing too much when I should have been resting.

Too much stuff to mention, and I catalogued it on here a few years ago under a different name. It didn't stop it just continued. Even now he still behaves as though he has control over me and we split last year.

I honestly have absolutely no idea why men do things like this and act like they have done nothing wrong.

I am in two minds as to wether to pursue legal help under domestic violence or just go with whatever to keep the peace. I really worry about how he’ll frame it with the children if I go with the former. I’m not concerned with what other people think, but I do when it comes to the children

Wouldn't let me wear lipstick to work.

I went off sex (had baby & severe PN depression) he told me "of a dog doesn't get fed at home it will rake in the bins)

Threw me out his car because I had the audacity to flinch as he drove like a maniac.

How do these men get like this? I have a ds and it makes me worry :(

So sorry ladies. You are all very strong!

missrks for you x

I was allowed to wear lipstick to work but would be questioned. Or it would be thrown at me in an argument - as in; ‘you dress up for work but not for me’

And a big tick for being punished for reacting to erratic driving / road rage.

This thread is going to be such a good point of reference for me. I have tried writing it down but my mind goes blank.

@AnaisAna

missrks for you x

I was allowed to wear lipstick to work but would be questioned. Or it would be thrown at me in an argument - as in; ‘you dress up for work but not for me’

And a big tick for being punished for reacting to erratic driving / road rage.

Thank you xx

I could write a book with the things this man done. I try to just forgive and let go so I don't have to deal with any of the feelings again, it's tough!

I had to ask his permission to apply for teacher training and he only agreed if I applied somewhere that was nowhere near my family.

He also told me that he hoped my mum would be dead by the time we had children.

OldLace yes I think that would be a red flag. It should be obvious that your ex pushing you down the stairs is unacceptable, it doesn’t matter what you ‘did’, you didn’t deserve it, end of, the why doesn’t matter.

I managed to walk away a year ago, and went NC from that evening. We were together for 12 years.. but i can still remember every single incident, every comment, every action like they were yesterday, they go around and around my head daily.. i need counselling, but what with lockdown i haven't been able to..

My first red flag was him aged 48, if he was picking me up in his car to go out, i'd start walking up my narrow country lane as he was always late. As he approached me he'd speed up heading straight for me, then do a handbrake turn skidding the car hurtling towards me (there is no verge) it used to scare me, but when i asked him to stop he did it even more.

2nd was me taking 20 minutes to answer one of his texts as i was in the bath.. i got complete silent treatment and blocked for 3 weeks, apparently being with me was like wading through mud because if i really loved him i'd reply to his texts within 10 minutes max. Idiot i was, i then started carrying my phone literally everywhere and checked it all day, everyday.

Hundreds and hundreds of other things, I dont know why i didn't leave years before, i even did The Freedom programme in year 2! but i was so lonely as he cut me off from everyone.. i still feel like i have weird trauma bonding.

I appreciate that this isn't physical and so could have been so much worse but this has stuck with me for years. Apologies, it's a bit long winded and might sound whiny - it's probably the first time I've actually written it down.

I had an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let me have a vibrator as he was worried it would replace him. He also wouldn't let me meet up with friends alone so I was completely alienated from my group of friends as I didn't know at the time this type of behaviour wasn't normal (oh to be young!)
I went out for the day with his mum once and came back to their house (we were both living there as only 18 and 19 at the time) to find that he had invited another girl over to watch a movie as I'd abandoned him (we had been together for 2 years at this point). She tried to kiss him when she was leaving while his mum and I were stiff there.
I decided enough was enough after we got a flat together. I'd get home after work, at which point he'd been home for 2+ hours and he'd demand to know what was for tea as soon as I got through the door. He started work quite early and would tell me I had to get up at the same time as him to make him his lunch and would accuse me of moving his work clothes if he couldn't find them. He would tell me he could only give me £200 towards bills (private rent, council tax, electric, etc) as it only left him £400 each month to spend on himself (pronounced: cigarettes and vodka). Meanwhile I was constantly in my overdraft trying to keep things afloat.
After almost 3 years I finally wised up to it all! He played the heartbreak card, announced the breakup on Facebook and acted like he was the injured party to gain sympathy whereas I kept quiet as I was so embarrassed about how long I'd put up with it all. Ended up with me looking like I was the horrible person and he was the victim. Week later he was with someone else, showed up at the door to collect some of his possessions that he hadn't taken with him and told me (with her stood behind him) that I looked like shit.
He even went an extra mile by trying to make me think he was being good to me by putting my bank details on his virgin account so I didn't have the added hassle of taking out a new contract (young and stupid here we go again). He then cancelled it a week later and almost £200 in cancellation fees got taken from my account. He tried to say that I owed him this money as he hadn't received his fair share of the bills he had paid for...

It was emotional abuse that built up over time and my first serious relationship, plus growing up with emotionally neglectful parents so it took me a long time to realise but the start of the end was when I made a new friend on the school run, him having successfully isolated me from my old ones, and I realised that there was a lot I couldn’t tell her and what little I did tell her, her reactions showed me it wasn’t normal.

One time we had a conversation and she just believed me, she didn’t question whether I’d misunderstood, or was exaggerating or was in some way to blame, she just believed me and I realised I’d never had someone do that before my whole life. And conversations were just easier without the going round in circles, deflecting, blaming, accusing, diverting, minimising and all the other nonsense a conversation with my ex involved.

Lots of examples that others have mentioned - sabotaging events I was looking forward to, being highly critical of my appearance, calling me fat - I was 5ft and a UK size 4-6.

One that hasn't been mentioned here was that often after a row, something belonging to me would inexplicably get broken. We lived in a houseshare so it was easy for him to feign innocence and blame someone else. When we moved to our own apartment he couldn't do that as much so my little car got it instead. Wing mirrors routinely kicked off, window got smashed once, and lots of keying. It was a nice area with plenty of high-end new cars so my little 14 year old battered mazda shouldn't have incurred such attention. Can't prove it, but I know it was him.

The thing about saying 'why doesn't X like you?' Struck a chord. Ex and I met at a role playing games club, where we played on a table of 6.

When we first started seeing each other, after a while he said 'Gav and Wilf don't like you.' I have a lot of social anxiety anyway, and every week I had to go there knowing 1/3 of the table didn't like me and trying to win them over (which is what I used to be like.)

It's only the last month or so I realized that him telling me that served absolutely no good reason he did it solely to promote an emotional reaction from me/cause me pain because he enjoys that.

He does the same to other people, like Gav could get annoyed in some of the games and he'd go 'Go on, Gav, tear up your character sheet!' Until Gav did it.

One time I'd had a rare argument with my dad, and my dad sent me an absolutely lovely Xmas card that you could tell he'd put a lot of thought into buying. Bob said 'I bet he just picked the first one he saw off the shelf.' I didn't say much but I knew that was bollox. I like to think nowadays I'd go 'no, that's bollox, stop trying to wind me up!'

@Halestorm OMFG

AnaisAna
I’ve left, but he is bouncing between more abuse and love bombing.

Never forget - the love bombing is part of the abuse. Its designed to throw you off balance, make you feel confused and unsure.