I need help I have kids scared to leave my partner

[lovemychildren27]

Hi everyone just looking for some advice or someone who's been in a similar situation I have kids and have been with my partner for a long time but I'm scared of him I no this isn't right but I don't no what I can do about it please if anyone can help me out thanks

Thank you I dont think there is any hope in me escaping any time soon there are a few reasons why I just can’t but I’m doing my best to keep as normal a life as possible especially for my children it’s so hard I have learned to live with walking on eggshells everyday and being so anxious but yet I am still so scared I can’t make ‘‘tis feeling go away. I’m hoping by keep getting advise and getting some support in place I will be able to change things. So sorry for the long reply I think I just need to let it out thank you

Is anyone else a bit ??

So much help / advice, it's not easy but please take some advice x

Sorry that I have made you feel ?? I didnt mean to come across that way I have taken a few small steps for advise and help and I am still doing so but it’s not as easy as me being able to just leave straight away for reasons I can’t post on here sorry that my situation has made you feel like that that isn’t what I mean and I am still trying to get more advise and help thank you for replying anyway

Abusive men make you feel that it's impossible, they will find you, you'll be in danger, they will have people find you etc etc. But actually the help is there if you want to leave and want to make the best decision to protect your kids. Their life sounds awful - you said he's been horrible to you - the kids know this. Only you have the power to give your children happy memories. You need to seek help, be open, make a plan and leave safely. Even if you rang a women's charity and explained your concerns, the police can come and help you leave - he would be arrested if he tried to resist. Lots of things can be put in place to increase your safety. You might have to move to a completely different area and change your name - is that worth it for a new life for you and your kids? There is support for the children - counselling to help them through what they have heard/witnessed.

My relative felt exactly the same way, abusive husband she was terrified of. Subject to MARAC. Believed he would kill her kids if she left. She went to a (bloody lovely!) shelter for 6 months, had lots of emotional and practical support, divorced, changed her name, got a council house in a lovely area. Left with one bag and has built a life 10000000000 times better than she ever had before.

She resisted his attempts to get her back, nicely nice "I'll never do it again, I love you", "if you don't come back I'll kill myself", "if you don't come back I'll come and kill you - I know where you are" bullshit!! He ended up finding another partner and let her be. There is nothing that the women's charities have not seen before. They have helped travellers, people from Asian community where there are links all over the country and they have the ability to help them. Once you leave do not go back!

Nothing is insurmountable!! You do have the power and the strength to make change - he is not as powerful as you think - or else he wouldn't be abusing a woman!!

Thank you 😊 I do believe all that deep down I think I need to make more steps I got through to the national women’s domestic abuse today spoke to a lovely woman and explained everything she said it will be very unlikely that I would be found a refuge with enough space that my best option would be to find an i area I want to go to and represent my self homeless section 7 they would have to help me that way I don’t no how I feel about this but she has given me a reference number and I can call them back any time I need to I would feel safer to go to a refuge but she said it would be very unlikely to be able to find one and there is definitely none at the moment I’m waiting for a response from a local charity for help aswell so I have finally made some steps dont now how I feel but I am going to try and keep trying thank you for your reply

So pleased to read your post. Keep trying. It has taken a lot of courage for you to post, we all know that.

I can't imagine why the pp felt the need to say that she was feeling ??

Keep on doing what you're doing lovely. You're bound to be scared. x

Thank you I’m definitely going to keep trying at least I have a defence number now so they said that will be good for a reference to go to I’m still not sure how I feel about just going presenting homeless somewhere I would feel much safer to go to a refuge but I’m just going to keep trying as much as I can thanks for your reply

OP, ignore Florist. Don’t know what they’re on about. No one else is a bit ?? That’s great you spoke to someone nice at woman’s aid and also trying to get in touch with a local charity. If you could somehow get a support worker then that’d be great. Sounds like you are making steps in the right direction. It takes time when it’s a complicated situation but if you can get the right support then it won’t be so overwhelming.

Also, re refuges being safer. They’re not necessarily 100% safe so I wouldn’t rule out other options as well. It depends on the refuge but many of them don’t have staff/security on site. Just CCTV and a door spyhole and no one is allowed to disclose the address. And obvs no men allowed in except tradesmen. Part of how safe they are depends on the other women who are in there at the time and if they stick to the rules. If you presented somewhere as homeless you could end up in a family hostel depending on what’s available in the local authority you presented at. And then put onto housing register to wait for permanent accommodation. Or look into private rented. But if you can get a support worker from your local charity (if they offer that) then they’ll be able to make calls for you etc.

Thank you both that a what I’m gonna try and do if I can get some kind of support behind me hopefully it will be easier for me and I have a reference number logged on now so if anything changes I can ring them for more help it’s not much of a step I know but it’s a start hopefully thanks so much for all your support

@lovemychildren27 It's a massive step. You're doing great x

Can I PM you the details of an organisation a family member used?

I really am so disappointed with the lack of support you've been given to leave, to help you find a refuge suitable that you could stay. I know there have been lots of funding cuts but I really think there should be more help and advice.

Yeah please pm as they said it would be very unlikely there would be any refuge I could get into that would have suitable space thank you

I'm inclined to agree Gracie. Where are the people who will swoop in bundle op in a taxi to safety?

Am hoping your pm can help.

@Florist1970

I think the only thing most of us are ?? about is you coming onto the thread of a woman in an abusive relationship and telling her she isn't reacting correctly resulting in the victim apologising as if she has done anything wrong!!

OP - ignore this poster and don't feel you need to apologise for anything you've done, we are all behind you.

Wow op, really impressed at the strides you are making. They are huge, especially considering the stress you are under. Well done.

I think that the option they told you about isn't as bad as it sounds at first. Unlike a refuge YOU get to say exactly where you want to live. So you could be really sure there's no one around that might have links to your H.

Though I would find out more as you don't want the children going to temporary care. So location will be very important as it will need to be somewhere with potential houses they can put you into.

But I think if you can talk to the lady who works with travellers it will be good as she will be used to women with a number of children. And will know the safest places.

Also the lady who works with travellers might not work with your community (if you are not Irish for example) but will absolutely know where to send you to the right person.

You're doing so well. Rome wasn't built in a day and this is a big deal. It takes time to get things like this right.

Plan it well enough and you absolutely can do this. Don't rush but don't delay. Be super security conscious and assume he can hear you apart from when you are somewhere 100% safe (like Boots or the doctors).

He's a thug. But you are much smarter than he is

Take the risk do it

Present homeless

I rang around a few shelters and many were full
Many said it would be a problem with 6 children
Shame

So plan b!!

1. is there a way to get free travel through Womans aid?

2. do you have an area in mind that you can present homes less in?

3. could you get someone from Womans aid to take you through how this can work?

4. wait for the opportunity and GET OUT

SO SO BLOODY HARD
I remember this time three years ago I had a plan in place - got bloody sick and was in bed for days
Next time I tried he threatened suicide etc

So it really is not that easy
I feel for you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi everyone thank you for all your messages again today has been another bad day again I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster as soon as I starts seeing a way out something bad happens I havnt been able to contact any more places but I will try when I get a chance thank you everybody

How are you doing @lovemychildren27? Just thinking of you x

lovemychildren27
We are all rooting for you.
Keep safe.

Quick Safety Reminder to Everyone Here

Please don't tag/@ the OP on threads where they're planning to leave unless they've said it's safe to do so.

When you @ someone they get an email notification unless they've switched that off, and that sort of pinging can alert their abuser/lead to difficult questions.

So safest not to.

Thank you for Reading