I need help I have kids scared to leave my partner

[lovemychildren27]

Hi everyone just looking for some advice or someone who's been in a similar situation I have kids and have been with my partner for a long time but I'm scared of him I no this isn't right but I don't no what I can do about it please if anyone can help me out thanks

@lovemychildren27 Have you been in touch with the lady who specifically looks after women in your position? She works for one of the charities, mentioned earlier?

I think you need a coach, & a mentor, IRL who will guide you safely through everything. Do you have even one person who could also help you with the practical side eg come & pick you & the kids up while he's out & take you somewhere - someone they don't know?

Ive been into a camp once, after my dog, & eyes are everywhere - you have to get in & out in a flash. Or leave under other pretences. Getting a load of kids out is impossible. A load of kids plus stuff. Very tricky.

So you might have to organise something like all the kids are picked up by some charity & taken on a fun day out. Then yours don't return.

If you have sky there's a TV programme about those American polygamy cults where they go back in & get family left behind - it takes careful planning by someone on the outside. So I think for you best to get one really good person who can do a lot of this & you just have a very clear list eg kids & your paperwork, kids toys/clothing, your clothing & medication & anything of value.

The stuff can be carefully taken out bit by bit, you just need somewhere safe to send it. You need some practical help. You need to establish a pattern of going out/kids going out that is then not questioned, but that you do without event for a few weeks.

There must be something socially acceptable that will give you cover to get out - preferably driving? You don't have to trust the other people there - you have the time between when you leave home & when you arrive, or time to run errands/get lunch.

Ive suggested antidepressants to another poster & then wondered if it would mask it. Her GP gave her valium, but that hasn't helped her actually do anything - so Im going to suggest antidepressants to you. They will keep you calm enough to act. Currently the adrenalin & cortisol flooding through your body are hijacking your ability to think. Fight, flight or freeze - you are frozen. Its 100% natural.

Find that lady, & get in touch, please.

How are you doing, OP?

Leaving an abusive man is hard so so hard
Do not give up hope

With help this is possible

I did it !!
Many of us did it and are THRIVING

I hope you are ok, OP. We are still here for you if you need us for anything or just want to talk.

Thank you everyone sorry I haven’t updated in so long have had a really difficult week he definitely knows there’s something up and I’m worrying so much all the time I’m doing my best to keep my self as normal as possible but really struggling inside thank you everyone for your lovely posts I will update as much as I can but it’s very hard at the moment

Thinking of you wish there was somethjng Concrete we could do?

Thank you for replying me 2 I really wish there was something I could do too change things I don’t think it’s possible though there are too many reason stopping me I can’t put all information on here it wouldn’t be possible and I havnt got anyone who I can trust to talk to privately thank you for responding and I do read all the advice given to me I just havnt found a possible way for me thanks so much

Can you think up some distractions for him? If you think he's seeing something different in you, how about just bursting into tears and telling him you're anxious about ... One of the children? Covid? Your mother? Something someone said at the supermarket that you didn't understand? Pick something, make something up, you KNOW what'll be a reasonably safe reason for you to be distracted, without pushing the wrong buttons so he wants to wade in.

He sees you as weak and controllable - use that. Pick something to get anxious about - maybe even something that requires a doctor's opinion but isn't screamingly urgent. Bore him with it.

He stops thinking you're hiding something, you can be a little bit different without panicking that he'll guess you want to leave, and maybe you can use it to find reasons to be alone with doctors?

What can you think of to 'worry about'?

OP, I am so sorry to hear you’ve had a bad week. Please don’t give up hope. What is you biggest worry about leaving? Can we work through that and see if we can find options to overcome the issue? I think the pp are right - you need someone on the “outside” to help. You say you have no one to talk to you can trust - is that because you’re worried about something getting back to him? I don’t mean to pressure you or get you to share more than you are willing or able, but is there a particular reason you are worried about going to the police? A pp said they have domestic violence specialist and they may be able to talk through options with you. I am sure they would do everything they could not to put you in more danger or force you to do anything you don’t want to.

Thanks for that message yes I don’t no who I can trust I have other reasons that I can’t just leave but I can’t put them on here just incase I don’t no who to trust to talk to or tell anything to it’s so hard I no it’s hard to understand I can’t really explain it all but thank you

Sending you love OP.

Thank you

Just wanted to say hang in there. I’m sorry I haven’t got experience in this but following your thread to learn from other ladies and I’m really hoping you can get to safety. Virtual hugs to you. xx

Thank you 😊 it cheers me up abit to get replies so thanks

Hope you are ok

Lots of us are thinking of you

I could have taken this up wrong, but you say that your violent partner has family all over the country.
If you are part of the Irish traveller community there is help from them for victims of domestic abuse.
I googled it just in case you were a member of that community.
travellermovement.org.uk have a partnership initiative with Solace Women's Aid which is a large specialist advice and refuge charity across London.
The project is delivered by Traveller women who have experienced domestic abuse.
The number in the UK is 020 7607 2002

You may not be part of that community at all, if so, ignore this post.

I also wanted to say part of an abusers 'toolbox' is to make you think that there is nowhere you are safe. That is just not true. They control you by making themselves out to be all powerful and all seeing but the simple fact is that they aren't.

They aren't everywhere, there ARE people that can help and it IS possible up get away and live safely and happily elsewhere.

You probably have an idea of places people in the community live/go to. Make a list and then when you think it's almost done have a look at a map - there will be big parts of the uk not covered.

I'm in London and never see these people for example. But on the outskirts of London there are several camps. Most cities will be the same. I highly doubt there are many travellers in places like oxford, Norfolk or Bristol apart from the outskirts for example (could be wrong!)

But the Solace lady will advise. Your husband and his friends are not as important or powerful as they like to think. They are just common thugs. There are plenty of places men like this avoid.

I agree, he will be trying to convince you that he can find you anywhere. He can’t. You may have to take a few extra precautions but it doesn’t mean you can’t move away safely. Another safety thing I was thinking is that when you move, make sure that you don’t consent to any photos being taken of your kids for school, playgroup etc. Just in case someone recognised it.

You can do this op.. it's like a massive mountain but you will get there. I cannot begin to explain how you will feel once you have your whole life to rebuild. Don't see that as a negative. See the positives. You can make it exactly how you want on your terms for you and the kids. Get out by any means possible. If I knew someone needed help I would be there to do anything I could. I think a lot of people would. Most people are not bad. Keep going. Routing for you and your kids. Do you know it costs very little to change your name. Things like that might be helpful. Choose one you love.

@lovemychildren27 there’s so much great advice on this thread, please keep rereading it when you can. Keep thinking about your options, how the ones that don’t work for you right now could be tweaked so they could in the future. Please listen to PPs with experience of this, especially the Solace lady. It may seem impossible but there will be a way, somehow.

Don’t ever give up hope, keep posting here when you can but please make sure he has no way to access the thread. Above all keep yourself and dc safe.

Hi OP, thinking of you and looking forward to an update one day where you say you're free

But in the meantime please keep chatting to us whenever you need.

@LadyEloise Posted some good info- even if you weren't born into the community, they will help you leave violence within that community.

Best wishes

Still here, still sending strong positive thoughts to you.

LadyE that is so helpful
Did not know that existed

Checking in to say lots of us thinking of you so sorry it has been so hard xxxxxx

Thanks everyone today has been hard he’s been threatening things no violence or anything like that but being really nasty I am doing my best to act as normal as possible gonna see can I get through for some advice tomorrow if I can

You are so brave. I hope you can take some positive steps soon and escape.