I need help I have kids scared to leave my partner

[lovemychildren27]

Hi everyone just looking for some advice or someone who's been in a similar situation I have kids and have been with my partner for a long time but I'm scared of him I no this isn't right but I don't no what I can do about it please if anyone can help me out thanks

Sorry its the same old shit OP. I'm glad you are still checking in here for support. Here to talk when you can but totally hear that you are under pressure and being watched at the moment

Sending hug, lovely. You have an army of us behind you, ready to leap into action to do anything we can to help support you, be it keep you company any time of the day or night, listen, encourage, distract, practical stuff, whatever you need. You have proven yourself to be so strong, even if you don’t feel like it sometimes. We can all see how strong, brave and amazing you are. More hugs.

Thank you I will send mumsnet hugs back to you all hopefully try and make me feel better I pick up little bits as I read all of your messages I no i need to become a stronger person myself I’m struggling at the moment but will ty as much as I can do

Hi op. Thinking of you today. I hope you got some good rest and that things go better today. Im sorry that my post before was so clumsy. I think you are super strong already! You have spirit and strength and you are doing so great. We’re rooting for you.

Hey OP

I'm really worried about you and don't think I have seen fear on here as palpable as yours.

I presume that no IRL knows your situation?

Have you built a relationship with any of the people you have been PMing and would feel safe to give them more details including name and address and then maybe set up a safe word system? Put them in your phone as GP/Dentist etc. then have a word ready to text that means call the police and tell them everything, my life is in danger.

Not sure if this would work but I think you need more IRL support.

Does anyone else have any ideas?

You are doing incredible !!

I would be happy to make any calls
Please let me know

I read on your other post that you only have two children at home and they aren’t little. Do they give you support and ask you to leave especially the older teen?

You just gotta keep trying. Any chance you get to call/live chat, then phone up. You never know when a space may be available. And a lot of the time it’s just luck of the draw that you phone up at the right time and a suitable refuge has a vacancy.

Hey OP 👋🏼
How are you doing?

Hi thanks for all replies I’m doing ok but my head is everywhere I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have done this thread not because I’m not listening or greatfull for replies I really am if only I could know you all in real life and have this support around me. Its just I cant get all the thoughts out of my head it’s all I am thinking about constantly I literally can’t think of anything else I’m trying to plan things in my head I did see abit of hope at first but then it comes back into my head there will be no way to do this.
I dont want all you amazing people with great advice wasting time on me when I really feel there is no way out of this I don’t want all these thoughts n my head I really don’t but I just dont no how to do this I am so sorry to everyone that has put effort in to try and help me and thank you all so much 😢 feeling so sad today.

Oh lovely! No one feels they are wasting their time on you! Not even one bit! You don’t need to waste any energy on worrying about how we feel! We care for you and want for you to be safe and happy! I can only imagine how hard this must be for you and we only want to help. Not pressure you. Don’t give up hope, though. You deserve better than this and it can be achieved.

Don't feel like that. Please. We just want to help. Would it be worth writing a list on here of the things you feel you need to do?

Not sure if that's a daft idea but it might be of some use to stop things going around and around in your head.

Someone may come up with a suggestion that you hadn't thought of.

I am so sorry you are feeling so sad today. Go easy on yourself. You have already done so much! You are being a wonderful mum to your children, you have reached out for support, been in touch with refuges, your juggling plans amidst lots of uncertainty and your having to hold everything together in really difficult circumstances. It’s a lot for anyone. It’s no wonder you feel overwhelmed! Take some time. Is there something that you can do that will relax you a bit? A walk in the fresh air? Some tea and biscuits?

Thanks it’s not that it’s just I can’t believe that I can do it the advise has been amazing so far with some really good ideas it’s just I can’t explain in detail some things on here and I don’t think I will ever be safe if I do leave I no i would be safe if I got a refuge place but I mean after that it scaring the life out of me it’s on my mind all the time I feel like I’m going crazy but I do thank you all so much

Would it help to PM one of the posters who has more experience with situations like this? Perhaps they could explain what measures would be available to you to keep you safe long term? Your partner is relying on your fear to keep you from trying to leave. But once you’re gone there are ways to protect you from him and he knows that. It’s why he doesn’t want you to try.

I have pm a few people and have had loads of great advice u r right that fear is stopping me I just dont no how to make the fear go away I find it hard to talk to people about it and I’m worried about giving people too much information thank you so much 😊

I do know something that may help. Ignore me if not. When a friend of mine went to a refuge, she was then housed miles away. Nobody knows where she is unless she wants them to know.

I do understand the feeling though of thinking it's all too much and if you just keep your head down, it's better than the unknown. It's very scary.

I just wish someone could help. Someone who actually works in this area. x

When I volunteers at a refuge we housed a woman from the literal other side of the country, helped her change her name, worked with her and her kids on building new identities as well as new senses of self. It can be done - and you are very much worth it OP

@lovemychildren27

Hi thanks for all replies I’m doing ok but my head is everywhere I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have done this thread not because I’m not listening or greatfull for replies I really am if only I could know you all in real life and have this support around me. Its just I cant get all the thoughts out of my head it’s all I am thinking about constantly I literally can’t think of anything else I’m trying to plan things in my head I did see abit of hope at first but then it comes back into my head there will be no way to do this. I dont want all you amazing people with great advice wasting time on me when I really feel there is no way out of this I don’t want all these thoughts n my head I really don’t but I just dont no how to do this I am so sorry to everyone that has put effort in to try and help me and thank you all so much 😢 feeling so sad today.

I know this is scary but you can do this. You can't live like this. Britain is a big place your partners "community" won't be everywhere.

There are so many villages and towns across the UK you'll be safe. You aren't safe now so you need to make that move.

Don't doubt yourself. I know it's hard that all your support is online but you have to do it.

Good luck

You’re right, it is harder if your partner is part of a community with links around the country. It’s harder to stay safe after you’ve left than if your abuser is just one guy who only knows one area and just has family in that area. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to leave. It may mean taking extra precautions though like changing your surname to something new so you can’t easily be searched for online. Also, keeping everything private so thinking about who you make friends with and who you tell about your past. It also means keeping an eye on whether you meet anyone from your partner’s community. I’ll give an example from the Pakistani community. Many women I helped flee abusive relationships were worried about somehow word getting back through friends of friends, even if they moved here from a different area. Many of the taxi drivers were I live are from the Pakistani community so we’d make sure that women didn’t use those taxis. That might seem extreme and I’m sure most taxi drivers wouldn’t have caused any problems. But when the stakes are so high you can’t take even the tiniest risk. People can easily spill the beans without realising the implications of what they’ve done. So there may be things like that that you have to take into consideration. Are there certain jobs your partner might have more links to for example. So you’d have to be careful about getting handymen into your house it things like that. Obvs don’t actually say what those things might be. And you don’t have to worry about doing this to please anyone on mumsnet. You have to do it for you and your kids and to keep them safe. If you’re scared of him, no doubt they are too. And he’s preventing you from being the best mum you can be. Because he’s keeping you scared. I’m sure there are things you’d like to do with your kids but you don’t because of him.

I know timing is everything OP and you can only do this when you're ready but just seen this and it might be worth making a note of the email address in case you need to get your daily away quickly without transport....

I know timing is everything OP and you can only do this when you're ready but just seen this and it might be worth making a note of the email address in case you need to get your daily away quickly without transport....

Sorry for the double post.

And that should say *get your family away quickly

I saw your other thread and I must admit I did think that yours is one of the rare situations where I can see why you think it might be safer to stay than go (the number of children, your husband’s connections, the danger you would be in if you did leave.) I’m not advising that but I can see your dilemma and how you can’t see a way out.

Sending you lots of good wishes

I know how hard it is

But it IS POSSIBLE
And lots of here to help

Maybe a different country ?
And avail of the woman's aid travel scheme ?

Please stay on here when you can as we can share ideas

I know it is not easy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️