Scared by someone entering our house today - big argument with DP

[Lickmylegs0]

I need to know I’m not going crazy. I was in garden, and came in to see a strange lady using our toilet. Baby was asleep in room next to door, and my DD was there too. DP had opened door and let lady in to use the toilet, he claims she pushed past him - but I think he should have said ‘no’ firmly.
Man on doorstep wanted to contact previous owners of our bungalow - DP was about to get all our paperwork out. I stopped him and told them to contact estate agent.
Strange lady came back later. I spoke to her through window - she wanted to know if the previous owner had died - and then said the bungalow should belong to them.
I feel very shaken up and DP has been having a go at me saying I overreacted.

thedancingbear

It's apparent from this thread that men are expected to use just the right amount of force against women, depending on the circumstances, of course...

...And before you say it doesn't count as violence, try telling that to a woman whose partner is physically stopping them from leaving the house.

If you genuinely can't tell the difference between a man stopping a random woman he doesn't know and did not invite from entering his house and a man stopping a partner from leaving their house then I hereby volunteer to supply a diagram.

No - I wouldn’t use physical force. I’d have called police, got children to a safe place. Think violence only escalates a situation. Restraint is acceptable - I would use that to prevent me/another person getting hurt.

I tend to agree. However, here, ringing the police and saying 'a woman has come in my house to use the loo' would be unlikely to elicit blues and twos.

Posters are falling over themselves to declare the OP's husband as some kind of wet fart or man child. But I actually think, in the moment, he chose the least worst option in a very odd and challenging situation. I'd like to think I'd do the same and not get into a shoving match on my doorstep with a couple of mentallers.

I want to know how she seemingly knew the layout of your house and where the bathroom/ toilet was!

She had been in the property before, her DP was the previous owners son.

So his parents had died and he didn’t know. But the property had been inherited by a sibling, or the sibling’s son.

Surely the guy who sold the house had proof of ownership. Such a weird thing to happen to you, i can see why you’d be freaked out

Glad things are better today OP. This is one where I can totally see both sides, my mum would have most likely done similar to your DH. I would most likely have reacted as you did. You were absolutely right.

You mentioned a separate incident with a dodgy builder where you felt that you had to step in. I'm wondering about the specifics of that issue, because it indicates a pattern whereby you feel that you have to protect the family from his naivety. How did you know that the builder was dodgy, and has your DH now come around to your point of view about that incident?

Can't believe that anyone is defending him at all tbh.

He deliberately let a stranger in, then started looking for stuff as per their request!

There's no excuse for such twattery.

And I know that I wouldn't have done it as I wouldn't have answered the door!

DP says they were getting very close to him on doorstep, and his current instinct is to step away

That sounds entirely reasonable to me. We're all wary of people coming near, and I can't imagine doing anything that would bring me into physical contact with a stranger right now, so even blocking would be counter intuitive at the moment.
And I can see how the woman could have taken advantage of that to dart into the toilet.

Is there any way you could put a chain on the door so if DH happens to open it again the chain could still be on and it would only open a few inches?

I think you should change the locks too.

I don't think these people are going to give up. You need to contact the solicitor who handled your sale and report what has happened.

@MyOwnSummer thanks! Dodgy builder was arranged when I was working and pregnant, so I didn’t see him - but DP raves about him. I was then preoccupied by newborn - and then stated to check him out. Internet search - expelled by federation of master builders, an ex- contractors secretary phoned me out of blue to say don’t use them, terrible reviews appeared online after we paid deposit, his architect and engineer completely stuffed up the drawings. We’d only paid deposit of full amount. I eventually met the guy and I could tell straight away he was a wrong-un. Lots of phone calls to trading standards - and we withdrew. Since been more dodgy reviews online, court cases by previous employers etc. We dodged a huge bullet. He still thinks ‘we should have just gone with it’....

And builder wanted majority of payment before work began.

@CountessFrog - why on earth did you let your neighbours in at all? Your extension is none of their business.

Sorry, you're married to a naive, clueless twat. And your kids are being raised by one too.

You're going to have to either play mammy/supervisor to him ongoing or .... Well I don't need to spell that out.

Any relatively normal adult knows that people turning up on your doorstep saying they've been done out of a house and the house you're was wrongly sold .. knows that they're not reasonable, well adjusted people (because noone who is any of those things would behave like that, they would pursue their grievance legally) and you don't interact with them beyond saying "you should contact a solicitor/the estate agent/whoever and pursue this with them, our solicitor would have checked the owner had the right to sell, I don't need to prove that to people turning up.on my doorstep .. this is highly irregular, inappropriate etc.".

I think she wanted to see something inside the house or, as someone theorised, has read some nonesense online about entering the property giving them some rights. Using the toilet was a ruse.

He should have stood firm as soon as he realised they were crazy/not normal and had an axe to grind.

It's the fact that he didn't .. alongside not recognising the builder was totally off that demonstrates done kind of naivety/Cluelessness that a normal adult (and parent) shouldn't have.

I think the burglary theory is out if the man truly is the son of a previous owner, but nonetheless he should also have thought about theft etc.

Their behaviour was abnormal and inappropriate,band his reaction should have been to recognise it and behave accordingly (polite but very firm rejection, instead of indulging them, which was ridiculous). The fact that he didn't, alongside the builder thing ..... I'm. It trying to be offensive but do you think he has any kind of condition that leads him to not be able to assess others re their motives, demeanour and behaviour, so he takes everything at face value, unthinking almost like a child (though some children might actually be more wary and think more critically than him!)

I mean .. he doesn't seem to have a normal level of caution or wariness for an adult.

Thinking on this, it sounds like this couple have not got anywhere approaching the legal and sales people about this will/house .. and so decided to see if they could get to see the current owner's deeds to get information they want. That's obviously extremely necky/inappropriate, and you guys did t have to oblige in any way. It may also be about saving big legal fees trying to find out through official, legal channels.

The fact that they can't or won't find out what they need to legally/officially suggests they don't really have a case or are chancers.

Again, your DH didn't have the sense to realise that, have some caution and not go along with it.

Sorry, you're married to a naive, clueless twat

And this is what you get op, randoms hurling abuse at your husband.

He may have made a error of judgement, due to being caught unexpectedly, but this is what happens when you post threads encouraging a pile on of your husband and how wrong he was. Some posters will roll their sleeves up and relish getting stuck into him.

@Bluntness100

Sorry, you're married to a naive, clueless twat

And this is what you get op, randoms hurling abuse at your husband.

He may have made a error of judgement, due to being caught unexpectedly, but this is what happens when you post threads encouraging a pile on of your husband and how wrong he was. Some posters will roll their sleeves up and relish getting stuck into him.

I totally agree with this poster, do people on Mumsnet really just judge people so negatively, people who aren't able to defend themselves or explain themselves.

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life , a great many serious errors. I'm glad you lot don't get to judge me on them because my self esteem would be on the floor.

@GilbertMarkham I really appreciate your post! It is an excessive amount of naivety, but an unwillingness to change. I think he would still do exactly the same in a similar situation. I keep thinking of the film ‘Force Majeure’ where the DH needs to make a split second decision, but doesn’t put the welfare of his family first.

Oh God. He sounds so gullible and naive. 😖

do people on Mumsnet really just judge people so negatively

I said when I posted that anyone can make a mistake, it's him doubling down later and telling OP she was over reacting that is the really infuriating bit. I don't think I've been the only one saying that. Why can't he admit to OP that he might have got it wrong, or at least say he can understand why she's been so upset?

made a error of judgement, due to being caught unexpectedly

How many people you know would go looking for deeds to their home to show to two complete strangers who turned up.on their doorstep and said their house had been sold "illegally" and they had rights to it .... Seriously?

The instantaneous normal response to that would "eh, what? No, I think you should contact a solicitor".

Let alone letting one of them into your home.

And that's without even bringing in the issue of covid.

relish getting stuck into him.

I don't relish getting stuck into him .. I feel for op .. she's going to have to supervise him like his mammy on an ongoing basis and worry about what the fk he could get himself and their kids into if he's on his own with them.

This is not about being put on the back foot,l; even in the back foot this couple's behaviour is highly irregular and his failure to recognise it and respond appropriately is worrying; it should have been and would be instantaneous for most people to think "wtf? ..... no".

If I were in this couple's position and considered doing something like this even fir a second, one of my first thoughts would be "they could call the police" - because some people would, or at least would threaten to if someone turned up.on their doorstep saying things like that and asking for your house deeds (!) Instead he lets them in and goes looking for said deeds, with kids in the house, and during a pandemic to boot.

It's not normal, even when put on the back foot.

The builder story just reinforces his lack of normal circumspection, caution etc.

I said when I posted that anyone can make a mistake, it's him doubling down later and telling OP she was over reacting that is the really infuriating bit

Why are you infuriated? Hurling abuse at him, infuriated at him, that’s over invested and then some. I think you need to take a step back this extreme reaction isn’t healthy. You don’t even know this man and you’re on line hurling abuse at him and being “infuriated”

That in itself is worthy of a thread.

• sorry, lets one of them in

How many people you know would go looking for deeds to their home to show to two complete strangers who turned up on their doorstep and said their house had been sold "illegally" and they had rights to itSeriously?

Well, this can be applied to so many situations can’t it? How many people do we know who would befriend someone and end up in a dating scam, or hand over money for a business venture, or log into Microsoft/their bank account/press 1 because they’re being told the HMRC will arrest them if they don’t?

I don’t, but there are plenty who will do exactly that, so this isn’t beyond the realms either.

It doesn’t sound like a scam tbh it sounds like chancers wanting to find out information so they can challenge something. I bet there are people who are that brazen.

But even if it was some kind of scam, anyone can fall victim to one. Otherwise scams wouldn’t be so successful.

And why does the quote post not work for me.... .