Red flags and got the ick - how to LTB nicely?

[Ruralbliss]

Ok we met in early Feb and have been having maximum intense delicious time since then but now he's between postings he has come to stay for two weeks and 6 days in I'm seeing red flags and have caught a serious case of the ick.

Do I (a) wait until he goes off then do via phone? And if so how? What words? I'm not good at delivering a character assassination. Or (b) make it super awkward and ask him to get gone in front of my kids and be witness to the hurt and upset.

Any clues as to how to handle respectfully and gracefully gratefully received. I don't want to string him along nor be a bitch either....

[bibliomania]

As Besom says, you block someone to protect yourself from "nice" contact as from nasty. The "nice" can be even more dangerous - few people reenter a bad relationship because the other person shouts till they give in; lots reenter one because the other person says they're sorry and didn't mean to and will do better and reminds them of the good times. If you've got yourself a Jekyll and Hyde, you need to protect yourself against both sides.

[Buggedandconfused]

OP don’t feel pressured. I prefer not to block too and prefer to see what is said after. It makes me anxious to block.

You sound like me a year and a half ago. Low/no boundaries, low self esteem. I had CBT therapy after a particularly awful relationship and it’s transformed me. It’s not your fault any of this except your boundary issues and naivety in letting this guy love bomb you and not being able to spot an abuser. Read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft as a starter and it may lead you to other reading material. PM me if you need mure recommendations.

Don’t feel pressured on here, don’t best yourself up, but I strongly recommend getting some help, either by reading or some therapy to find out why you attract this type of man. Mine was having a narcissistic mother and an emotionally unavailable father. Hope you are ok.

[AlrightAlrightAlright]

You've known him 4 months and he's living with you and your kids?

Words fail me

[vikingwife]

My comment was obviously irrelevant to the post & cracking a joke about “maximum sexy delicious time” it’s a brand new euphemism for sex !

[Ruralbliss]

Actually a lot of it was cerebral phone based 'maximum intense delicious times'
We watched a load of stuff remotely at night, talked deep talks about big topics, laughed a lot and yes when we saw each other pre-lockdown we had some gorgeous physical times together.

I did keep a log of things I raised an eyebrow to early on - like for example 'I'll ask you about your (enormous whole back) tattoo one day....' - errr let me tell you right now it's a memorial for a dear dead friend. Cue not a single question about dead friend. Logged!

The question I have now is how soon to bin off future blokes when they don't come up to my new improved standards. Immediately? Give them the benefit of the doubt given no one is perfect?
Keeping a log is definitely the way forward. It makes interesting reading as loads of minutiae I'd have forgotten.

He did not move in. He came to stay for two weeks. My kids weren't due to be here but their relations with their dad broke down & they opted to hang out with us instead. I'm glad in a way as it forced his mask to slip. The kids really liked him and were raised in several communal settings so felt ok him, me & them being under one roof...

I won't block him as curious to see if he does ever make contact again. I've archived our chat history. Neither of us on social media so only the phone route. Plus he's left an enormous tent here which I don't want so hopefully one day he'll arrange to collect.

[Ruralbliss]

Thanks @buggedandconfused for the book recommendation I will definitely get that one to chomp through.

Forewarned is forearmed!

[AdobeWanKenobi]

@AlrightAlrightAlright

You've known him 4 months and he's living with you and your kids?

Words fail me

They haven't failed you though have they as you still managed to string enough of them together to be a rude bitch.

Next time, let them fail you completely eh?

[vikingwife]

“I’ll ask you about your tattoo one day”


Err what? What a wanker!

Op am still giggling at “maximum intense delicious times” - it’s such unique phrasing, it deserves for merit on Mumsnet as a funny term !

[Branleuse]

Look, weve had really good fun but i want it to come to a close now. We are really different people. I do wish you all the best but im.much happier on my own and I cant have you staying anymore or ill end up throttling you

[B1rdbra1n]

Wow, you've got a significant back piece and he dismissed and trivialised it by saying he'll 'ask you about it one day', as if it's not allowed to be important unless and until he deigns to ask you about it 🙄 he feels boring and inferior compared to you so he tried to cut you back down to size
but what a pathetic way of doing it🤭
is such a bummer when the sex is really hot and you have to let him go but you know that he was only giving you the hot sex because he wanted to use it as 'bait' so he can reel you in and control you

[B1rdbra1n]

And I don't think that's a tent.... it's a foot in the door 😕

[hellsbellsmelons]

The question I have now is how soon to bin off future blokes when they don't come up to my new improved standards. Immediately? Give them the benefit of the doubt given no one is perfect?
IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!
Never ever give them the benefit of the doubt.
You did that, and look what happened.
Know your boundaries and NEVER let any one over step them - EVER.
I think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme on line - it's run by Womens Aid.
You are still holding out hope that he will see the light and realise how wonderful you are! He will promise to change. He will say all the right things but it's all lip service. These types never change.
He's a cocklodging abuser. BLOCK HIM!!!
Red flag (every little one) = RUN!!!!!!

Or just come on here and run it by us!

[category12]

And I don't think that's a tent.... it's a foot in the door

This.

[Ruralbliss]

Ok! Thanks again @hellsbellsmelons you are totally right of course. Have well defined boundaries & bin off the moment they are disregarded.

I'm definitely not wishing for him back. I've got big shudders of revulsion. I'm having flashbacks as to when we saw his parents and saw how horribly he spoke to his dad (poor ancient dad with disagreeable insolvent angry son under his roof)

I've seen mention of the Freedom Prog before and not thought to investigate but will now look into it.
Angry Controlling Men book now on order

Looking forward to a weekend of decluttering, deep cleaning, furniture moving, new bedding etc etc. Washing that guy right out of my house!

Did I mention he was a flat-earther, anti-vaxxer, born again Christian who didn't seem to hate Trump like I do & was anti-Black Lives Matter?

I definitely hold no candle for him & honestly feel a bit sick in my mouth at the thought of him.

Oh he lied by ten years about his age on dating profile too....

[B1rdbra1n]

His poor parents ☹️ having that freeloading cuckoo in their nest

[CardsforKittens]

Oh no! Your last few sentences are enough red flags for a long stretch of bunting! That stuff would constitute ‘dump and block immediately’ for me.

By the way, I once looked past the fact that a man lied about his age on the internet. Turned out he lied about much more significant things too. I now have zero tolerance for even tiny lies: it seems to be habitual.

[NoMoreDickheads]

curious to see if he does ever make contact again

So, you want the ego boost of hoping he still wants you/chases you? A lot of women are like this and when the bloke doesn't message for a length of time, they're hurt as they think it means the relationship didn't mean anything to them.

There's honestly no good reason not to block him. As PPs have said, seeing if he'll message is leaving the door open.

[MargotMoon]

@Ruralbliss

This blocking and deleting thing sounds like such an obvious thing to do but I'm finding it stupidly hard.
If I block him I can move on safe in the knowledge he definitely won't get in touch (cos blocked) but would I not be left wondering if he tried. At least by not blocking I can see if he hasn't/has made contact and choose to ignore?

God I'm like a teenager. This is so bizarre. He treated me bad, he was a weirdo, he was a LVM, spoke to me like a bully, I didn't know him a few months ago and yet I care if he makes contact. Ffs.

OK this is the point at which it stops being about him and starts being about you. You feel like you need validation from HIM!?! He, who swore at you, was a twat to your child, put you down and took the piss. Of course it was lovely at points but your gut instinct was telling you something wasn't right and you ignored it. Think about why you ignored your own boundaries and not about whether he meant what he said or didn't - that is irrelevant.

Take it from many, many wise MNers with experience of this shit. Block him and spend some time building up your sense of worth so that it doesn't happen again

[hellsbellsmelons]

OMG OP.
What an update.
You are well shot of him that's for sure.
Changing things around the house really helps.
And with this weather you've got the perfect weekend to do it.

[Ruralbliss]

Update in case anyone is interested. He's phoned several times to go over 'what happened' (still my fault apparently), cry and tell me how much he loves me then be told off cos after 45 mins I couldn't be arsed to feign pleasant chit chat. Also heard him speak horribly to his poor ancient father when he asked him to keep his late night voice down. Grim.

Very glad he's now safely at new posting far far away with no car for two months.

Can put this all behind me and move on.

Very much enjoying the Angry Men book.
Many thanks to poster who recommended.

Need to heed those dodgy initial red flags the moment they are spotted next time and not give benefit of the doubt!

[mrsbyers]

You moved him in far too quickly especially when you have kids just tell him you want to slow things down

[TorkTorkBam]

What a loser. You are well rid. Don't listen for 45mins though! 4-5mins max.

[Happynow001]

Perhaps it's time to stop his access to you now OP. If you block and delete he won't be able to whinge or try to justify to you at all. He's desperately trying to scuttle back to you - you don't need that, do you?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

45 minutes ? Is this just a continuation of

"Looking back I think I began to have 'WTAF?!?' thoughts when he insisted I be sitting down giving him full phone time attention and not getting on with the zillion jobs I usually do whenst on the phone to anyone. He demanded dedicated Him time."

He's still demanding dedicated Him time. Block, block, block.

Feel sorry for his dad though. He must be glad his son's posted away for 2 months too.

[Candyflosscookie]

Why the fuck isn't he blocked? And why why why on this good earth is there ANY reason to listen to him for one minute never mind 45??? Honestly OP sounds like you haven't really listened to the advice at all. You sound like a too nice people pleasing sweetie who will keep getting taken for an absolute mug.

Block him!!