Red flags and got the ick - how to LTB nicely?

[Ruralbliss]

Ok we met in early Feb and have been having maximum intense delicious time since then but now he's between postings he has come to stay for two weeks and 6 days in I'm seeing red flags and have caught a serious case of the ick.

Do I (a) wait until he goes off then do via phone? And if so how? What words? I'm not good at delivering a character assassination. Or (b) make it super awkward and ask him to get gone in front of my kids and be witness to the hurt and upset.

Any clues as to how to handle respectfully and gracefully gratefully received. I don't want to string him along nor be a bitch either....

[tarasmalatarocks]

You sound fun OP with a lot to offer, weed out the cocklodgers/ early on if you can. I ended up with one for 4 years. Charming, fun, good looking, saw me as a meal ticket because he essentially didn’t have that much work in him. I realised this shortly after moving in as he had totally lied about his job , by then it was more difficult to just get out . I learnt the hard way to be very wary. He did like /love me a lot- he just loved not doing that much a lot more!

[Ruralbliss]

😂😂😂 @cheeseaddict420
👍👍👍

[cheeseaddict420]

Haha! I did say it was just my opinion OP - I'm allowed to have that on MN too

And hey don't lump me in with the poster after me, I said nothing about your mothering skills! Just that this guy really seemed to have fooled you - wouldn't want another one like that making you think he was sunshine and roses. Though I suppose if its just a sex/casual thing and you don't give them the chance to cocklodge then all is well.

Enjoy your maximum intense - oh god no I can't hahaha - enjoy post-lockdown dating op!

[Ruralbliss]

@UnfinishedSymphon annoyingly I like adult company and sex too much to stay celibate and abstain from dating for the sake of the kids (who generally are not impacted by my having a social life any more than I am by theirs). Although having said that I'd opt to be single for a very long time over being with another not for me bloke. Absolutely.

Life's short, I'm never going to be as young as I am right now & their dad sees them 6 nights a year compared to my 359 nights of 24/7 being on parental duty. I like having light relief outside of work & domestic duties. That's up to me.

I'm not rushing into anything. No bloke will meet my kids before a good long time. I've already binned off a load of potentials for various reasons. I'm finding my inner not-people pleasing ways.

I don't give a flying feck what anyone thinks of my phrase 'maximum intense delicious times'. I get to use whatever words I like whether it makes Mumsnet readers heave or no. I stick by it. It was maximum. It was intense and it was very very delicious. Until it wasn't.

I've just been presented with his updated profile on a dating app so he didn't take long to lick his wounds or fix his alleged broken heart (bruised ego more like). No mention of his nutty beliefs or homelessness and still advertising himself as 11 years younger than he really is.

I know there's a lot of dodgy blokes out there but that doesn't put me off and it doesn't mean I'm any less of a brilliant mother for it. IMO.

[UnfinishedSymphon]

It means exactly what I wrote, you said you've got several dates lined up even though you've only just got rid of a dickhead. Why not just stay single for a while, concentrate on your family and don't introduce any more lunatic blokes to the kids until you know them inside and out.. 6 months is no time at all

[cheeseaddict420]

^22 year old - it should say in my previous post

[cheeseaddict420]

Have rtft and omg he sounds terrible! Well done on ditching and blocking.

Though also OP this is solely my opinion but the phrase “maximum intense delicious times” made me heave a bit. Sounds like a 22 sex blogger trying to get creative. Though as I said, only my opinion!

Also what’s the rush with the dating? Take some time and evaluate how you let this weirdo convince you he wasn’t a terrible cocklodger who speaks awfully to his elderly parents (that but made me really sad - unless I’ve somehow missed that they are awful too!)

[Ruralbliss]

@UnfinishedSymphon
What does 'put your kids first for a change' entail?

They are teenagers. I make them food, hang out with them while we eat dinner, go for a nightly walk with one of them but for the main part they really don't want much to do with me! Offers of doing stuff together (film watching, days out etc) are politely declined.

How do you think I should put my kids first exactly?

[NeedToKnow101]

I was thinking the same thing as UnfinishedSymphon.

Op you did say yourself, 'I'm not going to go anywhere near blokes for a very long time.'

[UnfinishedSymphon]

I think you should put any potential dates on hold, why jump straight into another relationship? Put your kids first for a change

[Happynow001]

He called me again last night 'Do you miss me?'
He has a vastly superior view of himself. Glad you got him out and now blocked him. Well done OP.

[FinallyHere]

Good update, well done OP

[MargotMoon]

Good update, well done OP ⭐️

[MargotMoon]

Good update, well done OP ⭐️

[hellsbellsmelons]

Yeah! Finally blocked.
And he keeps telling you exactly what a fucking prick he is.
Well done OP.
Onward and upwards.

[Ruralbliss]

Thanks again guys.

@Buggedandconfused this is very true the mask slipped due to close prolonged proximity although I won't be repeating that particular experiment it's crap to think I could have been blissfully ignorant for weeks/months to come if he hadn't stayed.

😂😂😂at 'come to heel'! So accurate. And so bizarre given my senior status in a large organisation, solvency, comparative youth, functional family relations & a decent roof over my head. So true that abusive losers love to see themselves control people out of their league.

Time to reflect & improve my actions for the next man I get close to.

[SoulofanAggron]

Well done OP xxx

[Buggedandconfused]

Urgh he sounds toxic - I bet you are so pleased he’s gone. In a way it was good that he stayed with you as you got to find out fast that he was a pratt and abusive. The fact he gets nasty when you don’t come to heel says it all. Nasty specimen.

[KatherineJaneway]

Great news

[Dieu]

Urgh. Apart from anything else, what kind of man would accept the £20 shopping money from you? All respect would have been out the window at that point.
Can't believe your kids met him so soon.

[DoubleTweenQueen]

You are worth so much more 💐

[Ruralbliss]

Blocking is definitely the way forward. He called me again last night 'Do you miss me?' (Errrrrr no, it's a bloody delight to have my home back to how it should be & you phone/text all the time so no actual chance to 'miss you') - cue some (frankly hilarious) vitriol re how I'm going to end up sad and lonely 'like your mum' (she loves living solo as put up with my dad's shit for many a long year) as 'none of your friends are nearby' (correction I do have a great tribe of nearby girlfriends) this was the response to me saying I wish he'd never come to stay as was far from the fantasy vision he'd promised. No word of 'Yeah sorry about that I am a weirdo loser with a nasty side' but instead outrage that I could walk away from such an offering! Deluded doesn't cover it.

Now blocked on all channels & dates with several new men pencilled in. If I ever have a relationship with anyone again I will screen out those with no actual home and my golden rule of not introducing kids to them before I've known them for 6 months will be adhered to.

[Dashel]

He told you to get rid of your cat.... if any man did that to me he would have been kicked out of the house immediately. I wouldn’t have bothered with nice.

Block him he is an idiot and not worth your time or emotional energy. You need to be more assertive and not put up with crap

[KatherineJaneway]

Sorry but you boundaries with this man are truly warped. Why haven't you blocked him? Why did you listen to him for 45 minutes?

[Otter71]

Am I the only one thinking that this guy is abusive to you and your family, abusive to his elderly father, how exactly is he keeping in work as a live in carer and how many of those he cares for are unable to protect themselves. If you know the agency he works for I would want some concerns recorded. .