Please, please, someone talk to me

[KeeOe]

I've posted about my marriage problems and subsequent separation here Today, I feel so, so low. I've been using my workplaces employee assistance line to speak to counsellors, who are good, but seem to have limited time for each call. I feel absolutely desperate. I have very little RL support. I feel worse not better. I cannot see a way through how I'm feeling at the minute. I have never felt so bad. I don't know where to turn.

I'm glad you were able to say no, well done. Keep doing what you're doing. Hope you're feeling strong today. Give them doggies a pat from us.

Hi OP, read your thread. You sound so much better than when you started. I’m really impressed you said no. That’s huge for a people pleaser. You And the lovely doggos will get there.

@Youngatheart00

I know it will be tough for you right now. Any relationship / marital breakdown is so incredibly tough. Counsellors can’t take the pain away.

My advice (non professional but human to human) is that you need to ride the pain out. Take it hour by hour. Do little things that make you happy. Fresh air, Bath, candles, nice glass of wine, a good book or comforting tv series. Hour by hour. Day by day. There will be battles but you’ll get through it.

Sending best wishes and positive vibes

You will get through this, you are strong, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Bad times do go, our emotions heal, cry if you feel like it, being sad, angry or any other emotion it is alright to feel it. As women we take a lot of flack and are sometimes made to feel too emotional, which is wrong. What were you like before the relationship, find yourself it is in there try to find it under neath all the crap that has gone on. You are still you and are not worthless. Even the most beautiful or influential women have moments of deep pain, you are human.

@KeeOe

I'm beginning to think about harming myself. I feel that it would be easier just not to be here. Noone one cares about me. What's the point. I'm not living, I'm just existing.

Why would you let someone who has hurt you, have the ability to harm yourself, you are still letting them have their power when you do that. I hope you find a way to love yourself instead, then you take YOUR POWER back.

@dontblameme

I'm glad you were able to say no, well done. Keep doing what you're doing. Hope you're feeling strong today. Give them doggies a pat from us.

Good say no put yourself first. You count girl.

It was so difficult to say no, I didnt want to see him when every cell in my body was screaming to see him. I have taken heart in the fact that I was able to day no though. He would give me no comfort as evidenced by his behaviour in the past few weeks.

Just back from a lovely long walk with the pups with a true crime podcast to keep me company. Still dont really feel like eating but have been keeping hydrated well enough. Going to watch an old film I love (The Uninvited from 1944, I'd heartily recommend it if you haven't seen it and like a good old fashioned ghost story) and have a glass (ha!) of wine. I feel a bit better today. I haven't cried today and managed to get some awful housework out of the way - degreasing the kitchen floor anyone?! Small sense of accomplishment.

I'm glad you had a nice walk KeeOe. I'm sorry you're going through this. Its good you're finding a little enjoyment in life. Bonus points for degreasing!

Well done OP. It's such small steps in the beginning isn't it? And well done for degreasing that floor!
Do you have somewhere nice to walk the dogs? I've found getting out into the countryside a real relief during lockdown.

@truthisarevolutionaryact I'm lucky enough to live near a huge park that houses County Durham Cricket ground. Only 5 mins walk away. Theres so much lovely open space and secluded walks. I also live near to Waldridge Fell but that's a place for me to go walking alone as one of the dogs is a car refuser!

You live in a beautiful part of the country OP, make the most of long walks in the countryside with the dogs. Being close to nature will really help your mental health

Have just rtft and am in awe of you! You really are doing amazing and there is more strength in every post you write.
I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression, I find that doing a jigsaw in the evening helps with this. I think it's the fact you need to concentrate so don't have any space left in your head to wander into dark thoughts.
I sound like an old bore but it really does help me just a suggestion 💐

Ah OP you're doing so well! I read your thread back from the beginning and you've come so far. And you're already being firm with boundaries and knowing what you can / can't cope with at the moment. That's huge!

Depending on your taste, if you're a true crime podcast fan then Casefile, All Killa No Filla, Crime Junkie, Killer Queens and Culpable are all excellent.

How are the boys doing? Bet they're still helping loads

They are helping so much. I took a sleeping tablet last night to try and get some proper rest and theyve let me sleep in until pretty much now. I have come down to some pee on the floor, but hey, I've had a full nights sleep so I can cope. When I woke, I could have sworn he was lying next to me. The realisation that he wasnt crushed me 😔 Dont think today will be as good as yesterday. I have that feeling back in the pit of my stomach again.

You’ve had a good sleep, so what are you going to do today? Not sure what the weather is like up there - but it’s great dog walking weather here today - warm but no so much to make the dogs uncomfortable. A nice long walk - then maybe a film?

Its lovely and warm, just cant summon any enthusiasm for going out in it today. Think my exercise today may have to be yoga in the living room after the dogs tea. Popped a film on to just lounge and watch. Have to go to my local shop a bit later but no other plans apart from that. I just feel 'meh' today. At least I'm not sitting sobbing though. Just feeling sorry for myself.

Hope you are OK, OP. I have been where you are in the past and it's absolutely awful. I echo all the lovely advice on this thread and would also like to add that I live very near to you (I run around that park in Durham you refer to on a regular basis!), and if you ever fancy a socially distanced walk and chat PM me. You are not alone.

Hello, if anyone still reading. Another awful day today. Was up early but did nothing but lie on the sofa until about 2. Managed to get down to Tesco to grab a few more bits later on though. Feel absolutely abysmal still. Trying to remind myself of the bad times and his shitty behaviour to get me through. My plan for this evening is to walk the dogs (hopefully - there are some awfully threatening black clouds) and to do an half hour of yoga. He's emailed again to say he needs a 'few bits' from the house in exchange for paying a couple of bills. I'm going to put the 'bits' together and let him have them, but wont be letting him in here. It's my space now and I dont want it tainted by his overbearing personality.

Sorry to hear it’s been a bad day. Just keep remembering that it will get better.

Leave the bits outside the front door (and hopefully those looming clouds will take care of the rest )

Be kind to yourself OP. It will come in waves, if you have a bad day then have a bad day, allow yourself this. It is a grieving process whether what you are moving away from is good or bad the reactions your brain and body have are much the same. You have done so well so far so you're aren't failing if you are having a bad day you are still moving forward even if it feels like you're stuck.

I'm doing better than leaving them at the front door, I'm leaving the lovely suede bag (his) on the kitchen floor, but my poor dogs are so upset they're peeing everywhere. How was I to know they'd pee on the bag?!

The dogs KNOW he’s a dick!!!!

Although you’ve said it’s been a tough day, you’ve a lot to be proud of. You’re sticking to your resolve, and went out and did a good shop. That’s self care in itself 😊

Not sure if you are in to podcasts but if you are, and want some crime recommendations, let me know. They somehow have the ability to be gripping and soothing at the same time and I often drift off to them. Handy for when your brain is going 100 miles an hour but you’re too tired to concentrate on watching anything.

*food shop (but good all the same!)

I'd love any recommendations @Youngatheart00 that would be brilliant!