Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage died as soon as we had a baby

142 replies

53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:16

I am conflicted what to do and need advice from people who aren't biased.
I was with a man who I absolutely adored and who treated me like a princess. After 3 years with him I got pregnant and we got married. We went through a lot of difficult situations but then we gave birth to a beautiful daughter last year.
She is amazing but my husband just treats me like crap ever since she was born. He never listens to me, never cares about my feelings, never considers what I want and talks to me like I am his daughter's nanny not her mother. He barely ever makes love to me, kisses and cuddles are now just for our baby and not for me.
I cannot see the positives in our marriage at all and am confused whether I would be better single or should I put up with this bad marriage for my daughter baring in mind, he doesn't treat me badly nor is he a bad man, he just neglects me and doesn't care about anything I do at all no matter how much I try to talk to him about it.
Can anyone else relate to this?

OP posts:
pog100 · 14/06/2020 01:20

He does treat you badly and yes, you would be better signal. This isn't how a relationship should be.

Nellydean21 · 14/06/2020 01:24

"We gave birth?

Mintjulia · 14/06/2020 01:27

Have you talked to him about it? Is he aware of his attitude change? Has he got so absorbed with the baby, he hasn’t realised? Or is he intentionally treating you like the nanny to put you down and keep you there?

If he won’t even acknowledge the problem then you need to leave. Don’t stay “for the children”. Happy kids need happy parents.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:30

"We gave birth? - funny! It's not just my baby! Although it feels like she is just his!

He does treat you badly and yes, you would be better signal. This isn't how a relationship should be. -

I am confused because he is a wonderful father and runs errands I ask for, just practical stuff but his culture is to have arranged marriages so I think he might see mariage as just two people raising a baby. Which is misleading, because before we married he was fun, caring, sexy and so so so thoughtful!!
I am not sure if it is my fault because I used to take a lot of effort in how I looked and earned well but now I am a hard working woman who never wears make-up and gained lots of weight!!

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:33

Mintjulia - I talk to him everyday about it and he ignores me. He is a very stubborn man and thinks we are just fine as we are eventhough he knows I am unhappy.
If he won’t even acknowledge the problem then you need to leave. Don’t stay “for the children”. Happy kids need happy parents. - I always used to agree with this statement but I have had 3 children to 3 different men so feel like I should stop thinking about myself and maybe just suffer silently so my baby has her daddy this time.

OP posts:
Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 01:34

That all sounds really distressing for you, how old is the child now? And did this start as soon as she was born?

I don't have any experience of this but it does sound unusual for him to act like this. Do you think in some way that he sees you as a mother now and no longer "belong with him" but with her? Is he respectful of you as a mother? You say he treats you like the nanny so that would suggest no....

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:36

By the Way, I have never used this website for myself before, you are all so nice to take an interest in someones life. It feels nice to be noticed. I have no friends or family so I find many days a struggle not being noticed or listened to.

OP posts:
ActualStork223 · 14/06/2020 01:37

Its not just your baby but you are the only one who was pregnant and risked your life life giving birth. There's no team in the labour suite... your in pain/having a serious abdominal surgery .He's not.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:38

Checkingcrosses866 - wierd thing is, he literally transformed the way he treated me the day after my daughter was born and she is now 15 months old. We have been together 4.5 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:41

ActualStork223 - I get what you are saying but I do see having a child as an equal situation. That's not him making me feel that way, just my opinion. He was grat whilst I was pregnant, so sweet to me so my issue is not about the pregnancy/birth/baby bit, just our general marriage now we are parents. I am not sure if I should just deal with it because it was my decision to marry him and have a baby with him or if feeling this way means we can't stay married.

OP posts:
LinManWellWellWell · 14/06/2020 01:46

It sounds like he was treating you like a princess (from what you’ve said) and he just transferred that to your daughter. Which is a little strange if he’s suddenly treating you badly. Sorry if I missed it but have you spoken to him about it? Could he just be so wrapped up in his child that he hasn’t realised what he’s doing?

Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 01:50

I would be thinking it's down to one of four reasons:

  1. Stress of being a father has caused him to behave differently to a massive degree. Focus is now on being the provider/protector and he's lost his place as lover/friend. If this is the case time and reassurance that you are a team might help.
  1. You were only ever chosen to provide a child for him, now that has been accomplished then he has no need to be affectionate . I actually think this is somewhat unlikely although you speak of a different culture , that would be something that you would more know about. Do you think this is possible?
  1. He is worried that somehow he doesn't want to take up any of your personal space as your child needs you more. He's thinking everything he takes for himself is being taken from your child. Again like number one this would be resolved with time and reassurance.
  1. There is an additional reason of him possibly wanting out if the relationship and this coincided with the birth of your daughter. He knows it would be awful to break up with a new baby and is trying to force you to be the bad guy. If this is the case then you need to know what his issues are in the relationship to see if they can be overcome.

Does any of that make you think?

FortunesFave · 14/06/2020 01:53

Having a child IS an equal situation but only YOU gave birth. YOU carried the baby and had it. He was there to help but not to give birth.

This is very important.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:58

I guess what I need to know is, can marriage ever be reasonably happy and can two people raise a baby together harmoniously? It is hard for me to know what it is like in other people's homes lol!

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:00

LinManWellWellWell - That's exactly it but yes I have spoken to him about it a great deal and he just rejects it as me being silly not acknowledging how miserable it is making me eventhough i tell him so.

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:01

Checkingcrosses866 - I appreciate all this!
I actually don't know which is why I am asking. Although I don't believe it is 3 or 4.

OP posts:
Plumpi · 14/06/2020 02:04

If it was me, I would wait a bit and see. Like you say, there are advantages to two parents in the same house. Is it his first baby? I completely neglected my husband after my first baby was born because I felt that the baby needed me more. I haven't heard of a father doing that though, but if it's because he's so devoted to his daughter, isn't that a good thing? I suppose it depends also how he is with your other kids?

Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 02:05

When I had my child (over 20 years ago) it was very much a case of i took care of the baby and my husband took care of me. That worked for us when the child was young. Although don't get me wrong he was involved with our son. That's just the sense of how it worked.

One thing I've learned though , many women favour their child to the detriment of their relationship, but they can come round. That could be what your husband is doing.

I suppose it's really down to how bad your relationship is. Is it always bad or can you have good days? If it isn't abusive there is hope , what are the actual issues between you?

FlamedToACrisp · 14/06/2020 02:12

If I was in your position, I would put on makeup and sexy clothes and try to lose the extra weight. It seems a bit early in your marriage to stop bothering with your appearance, especially if your husband is not keen to have sex with the 'new you.'

But I'm sure a lot of Mumsnetters will have a go at me for saying so!

Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 02:21

@FlamedToACrisp

I wouldn't have a go at you , and i think a makeover would be as important to the OP because she obviously feel more mumsy than she used to.....
But... The OP should feel like her husband has her back even if she was dragged through a hedge backwards .

To me it really depends how bad their communication actually us , if it's a bit lacking and dismissive then it's definitely worth a go but if he's being mean to her then I can't see it being right to do that. If you see what I mean.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:25

Plumpi - Difficult one, my children are adults haha

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:27

Checkingcrosses866 - That's how I imagine parenting to be but with us he over-parents so there is no room for me and then he has not time, energy or motivation for me and he doesn't seem to care about that either. He isn't abusive but the neglect is really bad. He doesn't care about anything in my life or my opinions or preferences at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:31

I really have stopped trying but I lost my business and income shortly after my baby was born so now working hard to earn a low wage and doing my best. I think he understands this but he seems to just not be interested in me at all, the sexual part of it is the least issue because to be fair, we are both working parents so not surprising we rarely have sex. Although he wants to get me pregnant again so strange he doesn't try for the sex because despite fertility issues, I will never get pregnant if he won't sleep with me.

OP posts:
Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 02:32

Well neglect is bad all in its own. Obviously I would advise that you try everything before splitting up but it sounds like you are being invalidated a lot.

Have you ever did any reading about invalidation , Its actually quite interesting and was the first thing I looked at in counselling. I showed my husband articles on it because I felt he could sometimes be invalidating and he did really start to listen more after that....

Is he an older first time father?

1forAll74 · 14/06/2020 02:38

Can you try and have a more serious discussion with your Husband, and not just a few little chats.? You have other children as well it seems, would this be an added problem for your Husbands lack of attention to you. It shouldn't be a reason, but only you know what your home life is like in general. It is always best to try and work things out together, unless your Husband flatly refuses to talk to you about anything,and how you are feeling.