Marriage died as soon as we had a baby

[53Capland]

I am conflicted what to do and need advice from people who aren't biased.
I was with a man who I absolutely adored and who treated me like a princess. After 3 years with him I got pregnant and we got married. We went through a lot of difficult situations but then we gave birth to a beautiful daughter last year.
She is amazing but my husband just treats me like crap ever since she was born. He never listens to me, never cares about my feelings, never considers what I want and talks to me like I am his daughter's nanny not her mother. He barely ever makes love to me, kisses and cuddles are now just for our baby and not for me.
I cannot see the positives in our marriage at all and am confused whether I would be better single or should I put up with this bad marriage for my daughter baring in mind, he doesn't treat me badly nor is he a bad man, he just neglects me and doesn't care about anything I do at all no matter how much I try to talk to him about it.
Can anyone else relate to this?

Checkingcrosses866 - I checked out all the recent terms you sent but none of those relate to my situation. They all seem very severe and if they occured I would definitely walk away!

Good morning all,

Hope everyone is well and had a nice weekend.

I just wanted to quickly say I wasn't implying his bad treatment for neglect of his wife is down to his religion or culture. I apologise if it came out that way as that is something I would never suggest. I was just interested to know if he was a muslim or mormon or whatever as she had mentioned arranged marriages.

That's all. Although now looking back I realise it has nothing to do with anything. Just me being curious.

Sorry again. And I do hope things are looking better for you and you have been able to talk with your Dh. (Haven't read recent posts on here yet!)

I wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

@Yas01 Asalam alaikum sister. I am so sorry to read that you're being treated badly and your children are allowed to disrespect you . My husband is very big on respect the elders and goes berserk at the kids and tells them jannah is at your mother's feet. When they upset me, he isn't happy and he makes sure they say sorry. I cannot believe this. Am sorry to hear of your situation. I am sorry to learn of your children being taught it's ok to disrespect ummi. inshaAllah everything will work out better for you. I will make dua for you.
I wish you and all the other ladies here in difficult marriages the absolute best.

Wow so sad how common it is on mumsnet for all these lovely women in such awful relationships

OP - I wasn’t so much questioning your ability to commit, rather your expectations of life with a young baby. Your professional, high achieving background also might feed into that too (similar background myself and I was shocked at how hard an adjustment it was to my perfectly ordered life - even though I knew it logically, I couldn’t have grasped the reality until I’d been there).

Also, I’m not a psychiatrist (although neither are most people on Mumsnet) but I always thought NPD was a rare psychological disorder that needed professional diagnosis. I’d be wary of all the armchair psychiatrists personally.

Please don't get pregnant with him again. It sounds like he is using you as a brood mare only. The less you are tied to him the better. LTB.

PopsicleHustler Mon 15-Jun-20 06:28:30

Good morning all,

Hope everyone is well and had a nice weekend.

I just wanted to quickly say I wasn't implying his bad treatment for neglect of his wife is down to his religion or culture. I apologise if it came out that way as that is something I would never suggest. I was just interested to know if he was a muslim or mormon or whatever as she had mentioned arranged marriages.

That's all. Although now looking back I realise it has nothing to do with anything. Just me being curious.

Sorry again. And I do hope things are looking better for you and you have been able to talk with your Dh. (Haven't read recent posts on here yet!)

I wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

Don't worry, I do believe religion and culture affects how we behave but in this case religion certainly isn't and if it down to culture, it is more down to culture difference between us that just down to him as he does come from a lovely family although they are very over-protective, very traditional and conservative and have a lot of input into each other's lives (so glad they don't speak my language and live in another country so I am out of the drama haha!)

Sorry to hear he’s so insufferable.

I think most marriages die after babies. You can re-ignite them when you start sleeping again but some dads are expecting women to be their mums too and they don’t get through to the next round!

BluntAndToThePoint80 Mon 15-Jun-20 07:48:34

OP - I wasn’t so much questioning your ability to commit, rather your expectations of life with a young baby. Your professional, high achieving background also might feed into that too (similar background myself and I was shocked at how hard an adjustment it was to my perfectly ordered life - even though I knew it logically, I couldn’t have grasped the reality until I’d been there).

Also, I’m not a psychiatrist (although neither are most people on Mumsnet) but I always thought NPD was a rare psychological disorder that needed professional diagnosis. I’d be wary of all the armchair psychiatrists personally.

Maybe it is me and my expectations are too high but that worries me if it is true because it means marriage sucks but if it isn't true it means I just have a struggling marriage! Lose/lose which is why I am upset and worried.

My first partner had a diagnosis of ADHD which can sometimes be linked to Narcissism and he had many Narc traits (he was brought in care and it did seem to have impacted severly on his personality). My second partner was starting to seem violent, controlling and possessive and always used to tell me he was perfect and I should be more like him. He believed had worked on all his flaws and achieved ultimate perfection, a primary symptom of Narcissism. Strange because he was only 19 and left me as soon as he found out I was pregnant!! Perfect lol!
With these 3 men, it really wouldn't take a professional to realise there is some Narcissism based traits to their personality although I do understand what you are saying about armchair psychiatrics. I think it is only a problem to Google these issues if it makes us to make irrational and spontaneous decisions. Information and other's experiences and sometimes 'labels' can help us to process our thoughts and articulate how we feel so we can move through it without doing anything regrettable.
I love my husband very much but he is not what I expect a husband to be and I am unhappy with our marriage. I just want to explore what is going on and consider it from other angles so I can be certain in next steps I might make later and to be prepared emotionally if this is not going to work out.

Please don't get pregnant with him again. It sounds like he is using you as a brood mare only. The less you are tied to him the better. LTB.

Maybe so, but then this may be where culture comes in?? Or am I making excuses for him?? Lol
Maybe I could do with speaking to wives with a similar culture to his to understand what might be normal for him and what is just him being internationally neglectful?

blueglassandfreesias Mon 15-Jun-20 17:47:47

Sorry to hear he’s so insufferable.

I think most marriages die after babies. You can re-ignite them when you start sleeping again but some dads are expecting women to be their mums too and they don’t get through to the next round!

Is marriage really often like this?
Although the difference with him is he doesn't expect that much from me and he does so so much. It's how he treats me and the lack of attention that is the issue for me.

Sorry but it sounds to me like he got what he wanted from the relationship (your child) and she is his priority now. I think it does have something to do with his culture too.

PussInBin20 Mon 15-Jun-20 18:40:47

Sorry but it sounds to me like he got what he wanted from the relationship (your child) and she is his priority now. I think it does have something to do with his culture too.

• Sadly it seems so but I guess I need to know if we can work through this and how do I do it when he rejects everything and ignores any problems?

@53Capland

Please don't get pregnant with him again. It sounds like he is using you as a brood mare only. The less you are tied to him the better. LTB.

Maybe so, but then this may be where culture comes in?? Or am I making excuses for him?? Lol
Maybe I could do with speaking to wives with a similar culture to his to understand what might be normal for him and what is just him being internationally neglectful?

It makes no difference.

You are unhappy.

You shouldn't stay just to fulfil some arbitrary 'norm' that may or may not exist.

You only have one life. It's not a dress rehearsal!

Is it not too hasty to just leave? Isn’t marriage always difficult at first? Should I not try to get through this phase?

Marriage is difficult. More difficult with a difficult man. But you sound like you love him very much and for that reason I'd be tempted to put a timeline on it. If it hasn't improved by the end of the year, or in 12 months, or whatever, and you have communicated your needs clearly and it still hasn't improved, then make your decision and see it through. Set reminders at 1/3/6 months so you don't forget your goal. Good luck.

That actually sounds like a plan!