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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage died as soon as we had a baby

142 replies

53Capland · 14/06/2020 01:16

I am conflicted what to do and need advice from people who aren't biased.
I was with a man who I absolutely adored and who treated me like a princess. After 3 years with him I got pregnant and we got married. We went through a lot of difficult situations but then we gave birth to a beautiful daughter last year.
She is amazing but my husband just treats me like crap ever since she was born. He never listens to me, never cares about my feelings, never considers what I want and talks to me like I am his daughter's nanny not her mother. He barely ever makes love to me, kisses and cuddles are now just for our baby and not for me.
I cannot see the positives in our marriage at all and am confused whether I would be better single or should I put up with this bad marriage for my daughter baring in mind, he doesn't treat me badly nor is he a bad man, he just neglects me and doesn't care about anything I do at all no matter how much I try to talk to him about it.
Can anyone else relate to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:39

I think for me an issue is, I could make myself look nice and seduce him but I just don't want to most of the time as when I start trying I realise he just doesn't care about me as a person.

OP posts:
Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 02:42

I totally get that 53capland, it's the age old catch 22. Woman need positive attention and affirmation to have sex , men need sex to give positive attention and affirmation....

MashedSpud · 14/06/2020 02:43

Why should you dress up and seduce someone who treats you like crap?

If he won’t change, leave him.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:47

1forAll74 - Maybe, I think we have done a couple of serious chats and he knows I am considering divorce but yes maybe sitting down and having a proper chat is a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:48

Checkingcrosses866 - Haha very good point, although there is more to this than just that, he seems to care about practical care of our daughter rather than sex

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:49

MashedSpud - You may have a fair point too and it is this I need to be sure on. I am confused!

OP posts:
Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 02:51

Just read your points in invalidation and that makes sense to how I feel. He is 36 so not old no.

OP posts:
Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 02:56

I don't know . I think it's pretty simple , it's that it isn't really in your hands. You need to speak to your husband and give him a chance to work on things.

So, in that respect you don't really have to make a decision . Just don't make any ultimatums that you don't want to follow through on and make clear goals that are measurable and easy to keep a check on..

I.E.

I expect you to ask me about my day and for us to discuss our day together.

I expect us to spend one hour together every evening doing something we enjoy

I expect you to listen to me without interruptions

I expect you to offer small kindnesses, make a cup of tea in the morning , that kind of thing

Build up from there if it works , if it doesn't work think about leaving.

Original poster
53Capland · 14/06/2020 03:09

Ok, I took a look, invalidation is really accurate at describing what is going on, thank you for making me realise it is not me being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Checkingcrosses866 · 14/06/2020 03:17

I'm not saying it will be the same for you , but I did speak to my husband about invalidation and he did listen. It actually became kind of a thing because I realised I could be invalidating without thinking as well.

There's a big difference to always being invalidated to occasionally. Always being invalidated is soul destroying . Do some reading , start to learn what you want to feel validated , you deserve to feel validated. It's actually really important .

Once you start looking at this stuff if you're anything like me it will change you . I started thinking about boundaries and self reflection and all sorts of stuff that I never thought about before. It's really good actually . Goodnight xx

Rosiemadras · 14/06/2020 04:03

How is he with your other children? Do you all live together? I would think it important that they all feel equal within the household , particularly if relatively close in age.

Coyoacan · 14/06/2020 04:19

This is going off on a tangent, but I'm a bit concerned that you don't have any social network, OP, and you seem to be neglecting yourself.

As for your husband, if his culture is arranged marriages, it sounds like he might be reproducing what he saw at home while he was growing up. Not healthy stuff, even in an arranged marriage.

longtimecomin · 14/06/2020 05:01

This happened with my ex, he changed after the baby came along. We've split now, my son is 4 and we're happy and involved parents. I don't regret ending it but would have regretted staying.

needhandhold · 14/06/2020 05:20

He’s neglecting you, not listening, not being affectionate to you but wants to have another baby! It sounds like he’s just using you as a baby making machine!

EverythingBlue2020 · 14/06/2020 05:32

Are you both from different cultures? If so that is your problem.

TehBewilderness · 14/06/2020 05:45

I am so sorry but this is text book abuser bait and switch.
Love bombs you until you are secured and unlikely to leave because of the baby and boom he doesn't have to pretend any more.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 14/06/2020 05:58

Your husband is just replicating the kind of relationship his parents have/had. It often happens when people get married/have kids they start behaving as mom and dad rather than 53Copland and boyfriend.

You need to find a way to let him know that this is not good enough for you, you cannot be made to feel like third wheel in your own little family.

PopsicleHustler · 14/06/2020 06:18

Arranged marriage? So is he muslim or mormon or something.

PopsicleHustler · 14/06/2020 06:19

It's very sad that he is treating you this way. You need to really evaluate what's best for you and your daughter. Do you want your daughter to see you being treated badly

PopsicleHustler · 14/06/2020 06:21

Both myself and my husband are from different cultures and countries. A lot of people are in interracial marriages, it still works @EverythingBlue2020

Dery · 14/06/2020 07:35

@53Capland - it does sound like your DH needs a proper talking to but also like PP, I’m concerned that you have no friends. That makes you excessively reliant on your DH for social support. If your DD is 15 months old, you may be able to make some friends from baby-related classes etc.

Nihiloxica · 14/06/2020 07:43

He wants to get you pregnant again?

Even though he has no sexual or romantic interest in you anymore?

Nope.

He is treating you as a brood mare.

I'm concerned about your other children.

Do not have another baby with this man.

Apple1029 · 14/06/2020 07:44

Where are your other children in all this? how does he treat them?

Pugsrus · 14/06/2020 08:10

My husband was a little bit like this
,and he struggled adapting ,and utterly adored our dd,it felt like i didn’t exsist..but I was so besotted with her as well , i didn’t want his attention anyway.( we are both on the spectrum)
He was exhausted at the time ,due to a 2 hour journey to work and 2 hour back.

We then had another ,and moved house and he didn’t bond with the new baby at all .it was quite worrying at the time ,and I did wonder what I had done.
Hindsight I realised a move and a baby was to much change at the same time .and a baby a long commute was too much as well at the same time.( for both of us)
We now have 4 dc and have been married 27 years.
Glad I stuck it out and was understanding.he is the best father a child could wish for.
Average as a husband,but I’m average as a wife ,so it works

Cambionome · 14/06/2020 09:33

I think "treating you like a princess" at the beginning - which you take as a positive - was actually a red flag. He should have been treating you like an equal partner and a fully functioning adult!

In some ways it doesn't matter why he is behaving like this, it's making you very unhappy (and I don't blame you for that). One last serious chat and then, if nothing changes, start making plans to leave.