Marriage died as soon as we had a baby

[53Capland]

I am conflicted what to do and need advice from people who aren't biased.
I was with a man who I absolutely adored and who treated me like a princess. After 3 years with him I got pregnant and we got married. We went through a lot of difficult situations but then we gave birth to a beautiful daughter last year.
She is amazing but my husband just treats me like crap ever since she was born. He never listens to me, never cares about my feelings, never considers what I want and talks to me like I am his daughter's nanny not her mother. He barely ever makes love to me, kisses and cuddles are now just for our baby and not for me.
I cannot see the positives in our marriage at all and am confused whether I would be better single or should I put up with this bad marriage for my daughter baring in mind, he doesn't treat me badly nor is he a bad man, he just neglects me and doesn't care about anything I do at all no matter how much I try to talk to him about it.
Can anyone else relate to this?

Looking at this from another angle - you’ve had 3 kids with 3 different men. I’m not judging, but wondering how long after each birth did your relationships break up ?

The first few years after a baby arrives can be so hard. Everyone’s tired, focused on the new baby and just working on surviving. It can take a while to feel human again. Both sides need to be understanding of each other, but I’d be lying if I said my DH and I didn’t have more arguments in the first year after each birth than any other.

I’m not saying bad treatment is acceptable, but I think some allowances need to be made on both sides for the massive adjustments a baby needs.

You’ve done this twice before - its all new to your DH and it sounds like he’s a besotted father.

Relationships needs work and not every day is all flowers and romance... particularly in the early days following a baby.

You e also mentioned loss of your job / earnings and weight gain / lack of care over your appearance. Any chance of PND here ?

Checkingcrosses866 - After taking time to read some stuff I really do see how what he does is chronic invalidation (many times each day, everyday) but I can't see that there is any solution to it as he has a narcissistic personality which is why he doesn't care when I talk to him about it, the problem is always with me!

Rosiemadras - My children from previous relationships are 21 and 17. We do all live together and my daughters get on reasonably well with him. He is a nice man and easy to get on with although everyone knows how controlling, bossy and stubborn he is. My daughters tease him but it does irritate them how he treats me sometimes and my eldest will often challenge him over it which he hates.

Coyoacan - I'm ok most of the time, I am very resilient and I keep myself busy but thank you for being concerned.
It might be what he witnessed with his parents, he comes from a very close, very loving family but I am aware his mum often suffered depression and medical issues so there might be more to that but I don't know his family that well, never spoken to them.

longtimecomin - Thank you, good to know, especially as I have been a lonely but happy single parent previously but then I think my husband might make things very difficult for co-parenting if we are seperated.

needhandhold - Totally feels like that too but then in his culture that's what a wife is for, I am English and believe a husband should be a best friend so we already have differing ideas of marriage. When we considered a future together he liked the idea of marrying for love and being companions in life but he seems to have different ideas now our daughter is here and he seems to be more focused on being two people raising children together losing the connection we had between the two of us.

EverythingBlue2020 - This is a very strong statement and not sure it makes much sense because unless you marry a person who is the same gender, race, age, religion, career, personality type and came from the same neighbourhood as you with very similar parenting to yours then there are going to be culture differences, we just have more than most.

TehBewilderness - Good to see what other people's perspectives are and if this is actually abusive or just neglect to be a good husband and what I should do about it.
He absolutely did 'love bomb' me then stop as soon as my daughter was born!

He is a nice man and easy to get on with although everyone knows how controlling, bossy and stubborn he is. My daughters tease him but it does irritate them how he treats me sometimes and my eldest will often challenge him over it which he hates.

There is just so much wrong with this. How can he be a nice man and be controlling and bossy. Hes clearly showing you now that he isnt so nice.
And why does 'everyone know how he is' as if that's something just to accept.
Most importantly, it's not your childrens place to challenge him. It's yours as a mother!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas - You're probably right but I don't know to be honest, his mum died a few years back and I have never met his dad or siblings.
I absolutely do feel like a third wheel in our family though and doesn't help that my daughter is obsessed with him and totally rejects me when her dad is in her presence which is understandable as he works long hours so she misses him but it means when he is home, it is 'them and me' which increases the distance I feel with my husband.

PopsicleHustler - Culture might play a part here but not so sure religion does.

It sounds like your just there to give him dc tbh why does he want to get u pregnant again? He’s not respecting you as a wife or a mother do you want more dc with him? If he’s like this with one Dc you will be 3rd in his feelings etc. Good luck if you stay.

PopsicleHustler - I think the way he is with me would seem fine to people outside our home, he isn't unpleasant with me in any way, he just dismisses my thoughts/feelings/ideas/opinions so I never get any say, and he doesn't give me any attention/romance/sex except for the odd arm stroke or kiss. I guess I could almost see it as normal considering he is tired from working and having a baby but he never seems to care about me being upset, spending time with me and rejects anything I want immediately.
For example, just yesterday he invalidated me repeatedly:
I found out the previous evening that an old assistant of my business was brutally murdered by a stranger and I told my husband that I struggled to sleep as I kept thinking about it and he said "Just stop thinking about it." and he doesn't see what was wrong with that and has given me no tenderness or understanding over it.
Then I talked to him about some changes I want to do to our living room as we only moved in a few months ago and can't agree on any decorating ideas. I listed about 10 ideas to make our living room look cosier whilst also being more practical for our daughter but he immediately said no to every single idea.
In the evening I asked if we could watch a movie together and he already chose and pre-recorded one without my input and dismissed my suggestions.
So nothing huge, but all that in just one day and that is what it is always like.

Dery - I know you're right and I often think I need to make a social network to be healthier and have friends etc but I never have time, I work 3 jobs, study a degree, do lots of volunteering and have my 3 daughters so no free time at all!

Nihiloxica - Sex and romance doesn't really affect our ability to have children as it is IVF lol
To be honest, it might sound worse than it is, our homelife is very conventional and stable and close and warm and loving. A lovely home for children and we are both wonderful parents. I am just worried that ignoring how upsetting it is being ignored and dismissed all the time takes its toll and not sure our marriage can survive it.

53Capland I’m separating from my husband ( although we are both living in the same house at the moment) we’ve been together ten years and I’ve literally done an inventory of the past years and I can literally pin point the moment the moment the relationship changed - it was walking out of the hospital with me struggling through the C-section and him striding off with dd in the car seat. I had to shout him back.

Trust your instincts. There were many points over the years where his actions shown me where I was in the pecking order but I just ignored it or didn’t realise what had happened.

Your needs are not being met.

Apple1029 - He is great with all 3 daughters though my other two daughters are nearly adults so he is more like friends with them. He is a good guy most of the time, he is very hands on, does all the care for our daughter when he is home and much of the housework. I am very lucky at how he is as a father, but he puts 99% of his focus and effort into that and I get 1%.

Pugsrus - Good to hear this, that it can work out. I guess that's what I am trying to figure out, whether I can survive this marriage if it doesn't change because I can't control how he is towards me, only how I manage with it.

When I read your OP I was determined not to just jump down the LTB road , I think that can be done too easily in these threads on Mumsnet, and I'm not going to say it now because that's your decision but some things you have said this afternoon have really started me questioning the potential future of this relationship.

I have seen on a lot of threads people warning others not to get pregnant or have a child with someone who is in any way abusive because this makes you vulnerable and unable to leave the relationship. Which is what the abuser wants.

Do you think that could be a reason why he changed? He doesn't have to present an image to you anymore to make you stay, and what you have now is actually the true him?

Cambionome - You make a very valid point and this probably says more about me than him haha!!
I am aware I have issues myself, I am emotional needy from a very difficult childhood so his behaviour could really impact on me worse than it could others except I am so busy that I am not as needy as I usually am. He hates how busy I keep myself but I know if I stop being busy I will notice his neglect even more.
I could berate myself for falling into his loving trap and being charmed into this relationship but it was hard for him too because he wasn't supposed to marry for love, especially an English woman and he tried to fight loving me but I fought for him and we were so happy together. Getting married to me and having a baby was a very difficult decision for him and he was so anxious he would lose his family over it. They were definitely not happy about it and still aren't really I think but they love our daughter and are still close with my husband contacting him daily so worked out ok for him in the end.

BluntAndToThePoint80 - Great name lol
All fair points regarding questioning my ability to commit but I was a teenager when I got pregnant with my first two daughters and I'm 38 now. This is my first marriage but I have also had two previous relationships of 12 years (no children with him) and 6 years on and off (my eldest daughter, he's gay now so not sure that was my fault haha)
I certainly have issues and of course I am trying to work out what is me having unrealistic expectations of marriage after a baby and what is unfair from my husband, hence me messaging on here.

@popsicleHustler. The state of the op's relationship is absolutely not based on the Muslim religion whatsoever. However, it's all from the culture and environment her husband was brought up in. Misogyny is universal, how many threads are there on Mumsnet where the posters say they are being abused and none of the men are Muslim or even follow a religion. This lady needs to end her marriage as her husband doesn't care about her anymore and things will only become worse for her. To be loved and to feel valid is a basic human right. Her child has more rights than she does.

BluntAndToThePoint80 - No PND but possible PTSD as I have actually been through a great deal over the last 3 years, my business caused me extreme stress daily until I closed it and I went from being wealthy and succesful to not having a penny and having to downsize our home.
I am a very strong person though and instead of moping, I took on as much work as I can (jobs that I can do whilst still being with my daughter, I'm lucky there) and am trying to keep myself as upbeat as I can.

One thing that stood out for me is that you have said he has a narcissistic personality . Do you honestly believe that this is the case , or do you think he's just higher up the narcissistic spectrum than most of us?

NPD is next to incurable and the partner/wife of someone who has it will have a miserable life with him.

If he's just higher up the spectrum you still have to realise that you can't change him. He has to see it himself and want to change and work hard to change and this doesn't happen often.

Apple1029 - Sorry I don't really agree with any of this. He doesn't have bad intentions and I have known plenty of people with negative personality traits who are still esentially good people. None of us are perfect and he isn't mean or unloving and he does a lot for me and my children but yes he is very bossy and a little controlling. I knew that shortly after meeting him and that never put me off, I manage his controlling ways well as I am a strong woman myself.
As for my daughter challenging him, she is an adult, not a child and I certainly don't ask her to or need her to as I definitely challenge myself, I am not weak, nor do I need my children to support me emotionally, I wouldn't have children if I did that to them but my eldest daughter enjoys conflict so she enjoys challenging what my husband does. They are both annoying as they battle who is boss but I just let them get on with it and they do actually like each other, it is never nasty arguing or anything like that.