Marriage died as soon as we had a baby

[53Capland]

I am conflicted what to do and need advice from people who aren't biased.
I was with a man who I absolutely adored and who treated me like a princess. After 3 years with him I got pregnant and we got married. We went through a lot of difficult situations but then we gave birth to a beautiful daughter last year.
She is amazing but my husband just treats me like crap ever since she was born. He never listens to me, never cares about my feelings, never considers what I want and talks to me like I am his daughter's nanny not her mother. He barely ever makes love to me, kisses and cuddles are now just for our baby and not for me.
I cannot see the positives in our marriage at all and am confused whether I would be better single or should I put up with this bad marriage for my daughter baring in mind, he doesn't treat me badly nor is he a bad man, he just neglects me and doesn't care about anything I do at all no matter how much I try to talk to him about it.
Can anyone else relate to this?

Sorry I wasn't being rude @Yas01 I am Muslim myself

Pessismistic - Yeah I hear you and of course this is my worry too. If you knew us, you would very much support the idea of us having another child, we are a lovely family and our daughter is well adored by us all. She has a very content, stable and comfortable life and my husband and I seem perfect together. What you are reading on here is just how I feel about the way my husband responds to my emotional needs. Unfortunately on the long-term, I'm not sure I can get past how I feel. I had a baby with him as we had an utterly amazing relationship for 3 years and I really respect who is so felt it could work but he just changed so much and I am left wondering if this is a post-natal dad thing or whether it is because he has a narcissistic personality (this is not in my doubt).

I would love to hear from people who have experiences of being married to a man with a strong narcissistic personality and whether it ever can work. or whether there are methods for making him see when something is working and needs attention.

Please don't have any more children with him. He just proabably wants a boy to please his parents. It all sounds desperately like he knows he should have married someone from his own culture etc. but now has a child, can focus on her, rather than his parent induced guilt.
Life is long OP, I would ask him is a loveless marriage was all he wanted, why didn't he just accept someone that his parents suggested?
You fell into a trap. It is unacceptable, I would tell him to leave.

Jkslays - Gosh, sounds just like him!
How do you feel leaving him? Relieved or regretful?
Did you try to make it change or just tolerate it?
How does your child feel about dad?
With me, during the birth he was so wonderful, protective and attentive and he lovingly cleaned me up after the labour and ran around after me. He sat with me until the next day, kissed me and said he was going home for a nap and to get clean clothes. When he returned, he was just full of questions about our baby and didn't ask how I was or give me a kiss or anything and to be honest I didn't notice at first, of course he was just being a good dad but it just stayed this way. Him tending over his baby and me in the background just observing. He is so so over protective over our baby but he just wants to be the best father he can and she absolutely idolises him, I can't complain about that. It's just that he often comes home from work, spends the evening with her, keeping her up until 10.30pm so he can maximise the time he spends with her then goes to bed with her and I barely see him at all!

@popsicleHustler, no problem, thanks for clearing that up, I'm also Muslim. Unfortunately, when a man has bad traits it all stems from his earliest childhood experiences, what he learned from his parent's relationship and their behaviour with others.
@53capland, please do take care of yourself, you are important and what you think/feel/do is important. Your husband won't change.

This treated like a princess scenario is hard to keep up for a lifetime. IMHO. Because I don't know the exact situation it's hard to tell if he is neglectful of your needs or you are expecting too much.

Unfortunately a lot of people look like there perfect for each other On the outside and there not if he said he wants another dc and you said your done you have enough what would he say or do about this? I know women usually do this get so absorbed into the new baby but he is blatantly neglecting you for the baby and when she’s older she will see she’s more important than you then you will have real problems as she will be daddy’s number 1 and I’ve been there when dc prefers dad to me and it hurts so much and they are like best mates and your like the evil step mum it won’t get better unless he shows you his respect honesty she will play on this especially as a teenager you will never be good enough compared to her df I really hope you get through this. Please think long and hard before you give him another dc.

Checkingcrosses866 - Do you really think he seems that bad?
I don't think he intends to mislead me and he didn't change because he trapped me or anything, he really was in turmoil about whether to commit to me at all but I always fought for our relationship and he loved me too much to let go. Once he decided to marry me, he wanted to be committed once and for all, he really doesn't want to end in divorce, for him our marriage and children is everything, he wouldn't intentionally do anything to damage our relationship but he doesn't see anything wrong with it either and just thinks I am oversensitive.

@popsicleHustler. The state of the op's relationship is absolutely not based on the Muslim religion whatsoever. However, it's all from the culture and environment her husband was brought up in. Misogyny is universal, how many threads are there on Mumsnet where the posters say they are being abused and none of the men are Muslim or even follow a religion. This lady needs to end her marriage as her husband doesn't care about her anymore and things will only become worse for her. To be loved and to feel valid is a basic human right. Her child has more rights than she does.

His family is religious and very conservative, a good family but my husband is more laid back, he believes in God and right and wrong etc but his decisions are not based on religion.

One thing that stood out for me is that you have said he has a narcissistic personality . Do you honestly believe that this is the case , or do you think he's just higher up the narcissistic spectrum than most of us?

NPD is next to incurable and the partner/wife of someone who has it will have a miserable life with him.

If he's just higher up the spectrum you still have to realise that you can't change him. He has to see it himself and want to change and work hard to change and this doesn't happen often.

Despite the fact he is a good man, he definitely has NPD for sure! He is proud of being a strong character and is so so stubborn, he always believes he is right and nothing is ever ever because of him. I nicknamed him 'King' shortly after meeting him as an ironic gesture and everybody thought it was funny and used it too but he didn't see it as ironic and loves it haha!!
He does like that I am an independent, strong, career focused woman and has no issue with me challenging him, he takes it well but just doesn't take my ideas on board and dismisses my feelings.
I am aware that people only talk about NPD husbands as their exes which obviously concerns me as I do want my marriage to work and I do adore my husband and we are great together but I am also concerned that NPD is impossible to work with as he will never comprimise or be understanding of me etc. How am I supposed to tolerate that long-term?! Especially when there are issues that mean a lot to me.

I could be completely off base but as you've added in the narcissistic element to his personality. Have you read about the three phases of narcissistic relationships?

They are idealisation, devaluation and discard.

Idealisation is also known as lovebombing or "treating you like a princess"

Devaluation is cutting you down to size , making sure you know they think you have no value , are a disappointment .

Discard always follows .

Sometimes (often) they hoover you and try to get you back. This leads to idealisation (much shorter and weaker than the first time ) , devaluation and discard . This will continue as long as they want to. Forever maybe .

I know a bit about narcissists . Have you done reading on them ? YouTube videos etc?

PopsicleHustler

Sorry I wasn't being rude @Yas01 I am Muslim myself

No worries here, freedom of speech etc.
I just wouldn't want this forum topic to become a race or religion argument. If it is relevant then it is fair to talk about and I'm happy to work this out however needed but his religion doesn't affect how he behaves in our marriage at all.

Wow I am getting tired replying to all these messages but it is really helpful to try to figure it all out. He was nagging me to join him and two of my daughters on a long walk and I kept refusing so I can read the messages on here and he was asking why I won't join them and I could hardly say "I am disecting our marriage and your personality on a public forum so please leave me alone for a few hours!" Hahaha

Mix56 Sun 14-Jun-20 16:30:18

Please don't have any more children with him. He just proabably wants a boy to please his parents. It all sounds desperately like he knows he should have married someone from his own culture etc. but now has a child, can focus on her, rather than his parent induced guilt.
Life is long OP, I would ask him is a loveless marriage was all he wanted, why didn't he just accept someone that his parents suggested?
You fell into a trap. It is unacceptable, I would tell him to leave.

He does want a boy but only because he already has a girl. He isn't one of those men who needs a boy like him or anything nor are his family bothered what gender his child is. If I had more daughters, they would be well loved.
It's not a loveless marriage, we do love each other very much but I am unhappy and he knows I am.

Lol , yeah I don't think he would take that so well , if it helps I don't always expect a reply unless it's made you think or want to talk about something more, and I'm sure everyone else thinks the same.

Yas01 Sun 14-Jun-20 16:34:48

@53capland, please do take care of yourself, you are important and what you think/feel/do is important. Your husband won't change.

This has definitely been noted, thank you

Viviennemary Sun 14-Jun-20 16:37:23

This treated like a princess scenario is hard to keep up for a lifetime. IMHO. Because I don't know the exact situation it's hard to tell if he is neglectful of your needs or you are expecting too much.

Very fair point and maybe naiivity on my part. I do understand he hasn't the time or energy to put so much into me anymore and I wouldn't want to affect his time with his daughter but now I get so little from him that it has gone the entirely other way.

Dear 53capland,
I agree with the other posters saying your husband may have npd. I'm also married to someone like this. I really believed he was my best-friend, supportive of me. He was my everything. As soon as I had my daughter (12yrs ago) I became irrelevant. Same scenario as yours. Fast forward 12years, he has set the tone of how I am to be treated by my children. I don't have a voice or an opinion. Mum doesn't matter. My children don't respect or listen to me about anything. My daughter treats me with contempt (although she loves me). People who have npd don't ever change. There are some good days. Men like this see a wife as a non-entity. If you feel you are strong enough to stay in a marriage like this, then I wish you all the best. Maybe you will be strong enough to stay in a loveless marriage. No one wants a broken home for their children. However, being made to feel rubbish on a daily basis is no way to live and the narcissistic cycle continues through the children.

Pessismistic Sun 14-Jun-20 16:38:54

Unfortunately a lot of people look like there perfect for each other On the outside and there not if he said he wants another dc and you said your done you have enough what would he say or do about this? I know women usually do this get so absorbed into the new baby but he is blatantly neglecting you for the baby and when she’s older she will see she’s more important than you then you will have real problems as she will be daddy’s number 1 and I’ve been there when dc prefers dad to me and it hurts so much and they are like best mates and your like the evil step mum it won’t get better unless he shows you his respect honesty she will play on this especially as a teenager you will never be good enough compared to her df I really hope you get through this. Please think long and hard before you give him another dc.

Gosh this doesn't sound good and I wouldn't want that at all. I'm sorry you had to experience that and I hope you are ok now. I appreciate the warning and will keep it in mind.

Checkingcrosses866 Sun 14-Jun-20 16:52:06

I could be completely off base but as you've added in the narcissistic element to his personality. Have you read about the three phases of narcissistic relationships?

They are idealisation, devaluation and discard.

Idealisation is also known as lovebombing or "treating you like a princess"

Devaluation is cutting you down to size , making sure you know they think you have no value , are a disappointment .

Discard always follows .

Sometimes (often) they hoover you and try to get you back. This leads to idealisation (much shorter and weaker than the first time ) , devaluation and discard . This will continue as long as they want to. Forever maybe .

I know a bit about narcissists . Have you done reading on them ? YouTube videos etc?

Oh wow this does sound a lot like him. Can people really be that predictable though? To always carry out 'discard'? Not that I am naive enough to believe he would never do that to me but also not sure I believe he would definitely follow a pattern because of shared traits.
I don't like reading up too much about NPD as it can impact on how I feel about him and I want what I feel to be justified and appropriate.

I think "treating you like a princess" at the beginning - which you take as a positive - was actually a red flag.

Very much this. I always think that when I hear a woman use that phrase about a partner. Treating you like a princess is a false and calculated thing that some men decide to do in order to get what they want. And when they have what they want (sex or children or whatever), they drop the act. A genuine man who loves you would treat you like an equal, not like a princess.

Sounds incredibly similar to my ex husband. He was also from a different cultural background to me and I think as soon as I gave birth he stopped seeing me as a woman worthy of his love and attention and started seeing me as mum and maid, because that's how his mum and dad were and he was unconsciously repeating history. Also culturally marriage is very much an economic/convenience decision rather than based on love.

It got so bad and I ended up so neglected that we eventually divorced. It's sad, I loved him so much but I was desperately lonely. My sister recently said that I used to look so depressed and unhappy that she was really worried about me.

Since we divorced he has become more and more difficult to co-parent with and more and more abusive to me and now barely ever shows his face. It's very upsetting and I have huge guilt because he and the dc used to be so close and he doted on them. They miss him terribly.

To be honest I really don't know what the solution is. I would have died of loneliness I think, had I stayed. So I am better off out of the marriage but my children have suffered. I'm sorry I can't advise. I think if you still love each other it is worth giving it a final shot and putting all your effort into changing things.

Detach. Get turned off. Line up your ducks as they say. He wont suddenly see your value if he has gone off you / devalued you.

If you are not ready to leave, stop "trying" to please him.. dont get dressed up. Dont seduce him. Geez. Get on with being a mother. He is not a keeper. It is shocking when you realise this after having a baby but it has to be faced. Father of yr child, but not a keeper.

Start researching what you would do if you were to leave.

I don't know ... I've read a lot about narcissism and obviously there are differences between them as they are individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder .

But many things are common to all people who have NPD, and this is caused by the reason that they do things.

Take idealisation/devaluation/discard

A person who has NPD actually has very low self esteem in their inner core,. They come from a place of shame and deep insecurity.

When they idealise you , they put you on a pedestal because they believe that you are going to save them. It isn't entirely a lie or a conscious ploy. They think you are what they have been waiting for and they think you are truly perfect.

Devaluation comes into play when they start to see that you are not perfect , they feel almost tricked by the fact you have flaws. Their disappointment is manifested through devaluation and can be horrifically painful for the person receiving it.

Discard is inevitable because a narcissist believes he should be with someone who is perfect. They deserve someone who is perfect. They won't compromise in the long term.

The hoover might start because they don't find anyone better or they just remember what good supply they got from you .

And so it goes round.

No person will come out of a relationship with a narcissist unscathed . It's not possible.