Hubby says no more kids

[AnonX2]

Hubby says “no” to any more kids. As it stands we have two amazing children. I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur. I have started to resent him; how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major? Advice?

M @AnonX2 Flip it the other way round and think how you would feel if someone tried to force you to have a child you did not want,DH has told me no more mainly for my own health but also so we can always provide a good life for the two that we have also! I understand what he is saying but it is still shit that the decision has been taken away.

I just chose to appreciate the two that I have and the fact that my time is not spread as thin as it would have been with 3.

But if you feel you really can't live without that 3rd child then you need to end the relationship and find someone else 🤷🏻‍♀️

I empathise OP, I'm in the same position. I'd happily have another but DH wouldn't.

I try and focus on all the good things (for me) of only having two. Never having to go through pregnancy and birth again. More money to enjoy things as a family. More time to spend with each of them. Less washing

If I can though I just try and avoid thinking about it full stop, not always that easy though.

You have 2 children. Appreciate what you have.

Leave him then and be a single mother to two children. Good luck finding a new man to have a third child with.

Appreciate the 2 that you have. It'd be much different if you had none and decided he didn't want any at all.

How old are you OP? A lot depends on that. If you’re in your 20s then you absolutely can leave and easily meet somebody else to have a third child with. I know lots of people who have done this.

What will a third child add to your life that you don't currently get from your existing two?

As you know, it's not something that can be compromised on and one person's no always outweighs the other person's yes.

I'd be with your husband and thinking of the additional practical, financial and logistical reasons tbh. Your husband has real reasons for not wanting a third. What are your reasons for having a third beyond "I want one"?

Do you currently have two boys or two girls or one boy one girl?

I know someone who had two boys and desperately wanted a girl.
She ended up having 5 boys.

Dh categorically said.l no more kids to me we have 1 dc
It ate me up for about a year and as i was still in my (late) 20s leaving was an option i considered

Then i looked at all the positives. My dh is a very good loving kind man amd father- his concerns about a second dc is due to heath issues for both me and potential dc

We have alot more disposable income than having a second and ive been able to focus on my career and dh and i get to do more things for me.

Ultimately weigh up is the rest of your current life worth getting used to no more dc. If not is leaving what you have worth having a third for?

There a million reasons why we shouldn’t have a third. The only reason to have one more is That I really really want one.

It hurts. I am sad and I am grieving. But there won’t be a third.

H is right. Such a good decision to stop at 2.

Having children is a purely selfish want of the person who wants one. Unfortunately you can’t have a child with someone who doesn’t want one.

You should be more grateful for having two children. My friend has just got pregnant for the first time, they've been trying for three years

Two children is enough. Be grateful you have any at all.

And I can’t believe how often people suggest leaving a relationship, breaking up a family and turning the existing children into the products of divorce purely because one party won’t agree to another child. And imagine how wonderful that would make the existing children feel, knowing that their mother split up their family because they weren’t enough.

No child should be deliberately conceived knowing that one parent doesn't want it therefore the opinion of the parent who doesn't want another child always trumps that of the one who does.

For the sake of the children you have you need to do your best to come to terms with that and not resent your DH.

Totally agree Alternative and what it must feel like to be passed back and forth between parents while your sibling gets to stay in just one home.

how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major?
One of you would have to make a big effort to come to terms with it, keep any resentment entirely to themselves - never blame the other for any issues that arose - do all they could to accept the situation and be positive about the family size they had, rather than their dream family size. The other would have to be hugely grateful that their partner had made such a big sacrifice for them.

You can only control your own behaviour, not your dp's. If you get your way, you can't make him keep that up forever. If he gets his way, it's in your hands whether the relationship survives.

Another point worth weighing up is that if you get your way and the relationship crumbles, that's three children who'll be going back and forth between their divorced parents. If he gets his way and the relationship crumbles, it's only two.

What will make it enough? My gran wasn't done after 6 kids and 2 foster kids. Her age made her stop. Seriously, it's a feeling you have, there can't be a real rational though behind having a third, can there?

I understand how you feel yes probably two is enough but when you get the urge to have another it can be over whelming. Tbh I think expense is just an excuse the biggest expense is not earning as much money which is probably what you are doing anyway. It's a real difficult one isn't it as whatever happens one of you will be conceeding.
How sympathetic is he? How old are you? How are you doing financially etc. It will depend on lots of things.

I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur

Having a child is something both parties need to be on board for. It's not just expense (although that is huge - the money you spend raising a third child would be a deposit for a house each for the other two). There are a lot of other factors to consider.

I expect you're picturing a healthy, able bodied, neuro typical baby who slots into the family and everyone dotes on. Have you considered the impact if your third child has additional needs, is severely autistic, has a life limiting condition, mental health issues, etc? If you already have two healthy, typical children, you might not want to not roll the dice again.

Basically, your choices are :

1. stay with your husband and accept that means your family is complete
2. leave your husband and have a baby either by yourself or with a new partner.

I don't think there is a secret third option where you magically persuade your husband to want a third child. I suppose you might be able to beg, manipulate, threaten and punish your husband into giving in, but is that what you want your family to be like?

You are expecting your husband and your children to sacrifice parts of their lifestyle for a mythical non existent third child because you are desperate.

Why are you desperate? What is it about a third child that makes you want it so much.

Desperate should be about being a mother - you are to two children. Do you miss the baby years? We all do but they grow up.

I think the first step is to actually within yourself decide what is is that a third child represents and why you want it so much. The fact that you are pinning in effect your happiness on a child that doesnt and may well never exist isnt healthy

What is it you want from a third child ?

I say this as a child minder 3 is my limit my days with 2 are so much easier Bryan 3 in every sense , considering food , the moving of them , co ordinating, , two not leaving one out.

I am not saying anyone shouldn’t have three , unless significantly older will need to change cars ( depending on childcare and unless big age gap or high powered job makes returning to work with 3 lots of childcare to pay for tough.

Obviously no idea if your situation.

What ages are your two children?

Who bears the majority of the financial burden as it stands? If it's him then itself selfish to push what you want on him.

How old are your children? And how old are you and your husband?

Why aren't you happy with the two children you already have?