Hubby says no more kids

[AnonX2]

Hubby says “no” to any more kids. As it stands we have two amazing children. I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur. I have started to resent him; how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major? Advice?

I also think this type of attitude is often not from parents who really desire the “best” for their child

Exactly this! @vikingwife I agree with all your posts on here and would add this. Who would have thought in 2019 that a global pandemic was on its was and so many of us would end up losing their livelihood? The risk of not being able to cope with unexpected crisis (health, financial etc) is increased with each additional child. Existing children deserve as much stability as possible. They deserve their needs met, they deserve to thrive and enjoy Access to extra curricular activities.

It’s very selfish on the main earner, the existing children and the potential child just to satisfy an urge.

• or someone who has never had a child like the PP and choosing to go sperm donor route.

It is different to not have kids & want one, than already having 2+ & sooking because you want more.

For everyone saying they are shocked at op being told to leave her Dh and start again
I say it more as a ‘is this really a feasible alternative?’ I wouldn’t want to split up my family. This viewpoint helped me to accept having 1dc as dh does not want a second
It’s a pretty strong wake up call to look at that possibility and realise that having another child is not the be all and end all

**actually op hasn’t been TOLD to leave her husband just that it’s an option

Parents with four (or more) kids always staunchly maintain that there are enough resources in the family unit for all their children - enough money, enough parental time, enough physical space, enough attention, etc.

If you talk to adults who grew up in large families, they will frequently say that there actually weren't enough of those things to go around. They describe their parents as stressed, always busy, and say they relied on the other siblings to look after each other, rather than the parents doing it.

I sometimes think wanting a large family is (subconsciously) about the parents wanting to avoid true intimacy with their kids. They love the idea of a huge, rambunctious family group, with the kids all hanging out with each other, getting into scrapes, arguing good naturedly, chaotic mealtimes, always a load of washing to be done and a knee needing a plaster, etc. Because that means their role as a parent isn't about actually being that close to their kids as individuals - it's about keeping the whole ship afloat. A ship which they're deliberately over burdened.

I had a 3rd op. I had 2 son's already and couldn't help thinking if I had one more I might have a daughter. There's 8 years between my 2nd and 3rd. Everything pretty much went to shit just before the birth, I had another son, he spent the first month of his life in hospital including intensive care. I love him dearly but if I could turn back time knowing what I know now I would stick with the 2 I have and be greatfull. I'm 38 now and he's 3. He's on the go from when he wakes up to bed time and I'm constantly shattered 😩. I had to stop about 5 times just now during the dishes because he was being naughty.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, I can empathise to some degree as I'm in a similar situation except that we only have one child and prior to giving birth we'd always talked openly and agreed about having two.

Reading replies here I'd be curious to know if people feel differently if it's one child going to two as opposed to having a third, fourth etc?

AnonX2 - this is currently my situation also. I have two amazing children aged 10 and 9 but I yearn for a third. My husband keeps saying ‘not just now, we can’t afford it’ but I am 43 and feel as though time is running out. I am pretty sure he doesn’t want another one as he has been saying this for 4 years now. People have left comments on here saying it would be selfish to have another and that your children would miss out on money and time with you but I disagree - I was one of 4 children and I have never felt left out or wished that we had more money as kids, 6 of us altogether cramped up in a small semi but the amount of love we had and still have is worth more than all the money in the world. I’m sure you will find a way that will work for your family wether it is 2 kids or 20. You take care 🙂

@mummabubs I do see it as different if one of the considerations is genuinely about offering the existing sole child the experience of having a sibling. That may be seen as a possible selfless consideration?

No thing against only kids, I might have enjoyed being an only.

YABU to say hubby (not envy)

@mummabubs

I'm sorry you're in this position OP, I can empathise to some degree as I'm in a similar situation except that we only have one child and prior to giving birth we'd always talked openly and agreed about having two.

Reading replies here I'd be curious to know if people feel differently if it's one child going to two as opposed to having a third, fourth etc?

Very different if you only have one because it’s just one so it’s less work and less cost. Also wanting an only child to have another sibling isn’t exactly a huge family. If you had discussed 2 well my husband would have to a very good reason not to what another.

@Sev72

Having children is a purely selfish want of the person who wants one. Unfortunately you can’t have a child with someone who doesn’t want one.

I think this is bad advice. You can’t help how you feel weather it’s the person who would like another one or doesn’t want another. We shouldn’t shame someone for how they feel. It’s different for a man. I can understand how a woman craves to do it all again. Yes it may not be best. However you feel how you feel. It’s the action that may be the problem not the actual feeling

@FineWordsForAPorcupine I agree although many with 4+ children in these times often claim the opposite to what your saying. I can vouch for what your saying.

I think it’s ironic coming for a big family and now I have my own I just have one DC although I would have another in the future.

My opinion isn't changed if it is going from one child to two. The fact that the person who doesn't want a child trumps the one who does still stands and I still don't think it would be right to break up a child's family purely to give it a sibling.

Why does the person who doesn’t want trump? Is it the man changing jobs? Is it the man going through the traumatic birth and then having to take MAT leave and possibly becoming a SAHM? Is it the man who has to adjust to a new body that probably won’t be the same again..... It’s usually the woman Is it the man who in most cases doesn’t do most of the housework cooking and cleaning running round after the kids all day. Who ever is doing the majority of these things surely should have an equal vote to wanting another child!

Why does the person who doesn’t want trump?

Because Sweet in my opinion no child should ever be deliberately conceived knowing that one parent doesn't want it.

YABU I’m afraid. Count your blessings and accept his decision or leave him and have more kids with someone else.

I can't imagine wanting to bring another child into the world as it is now, it's a fucking shit show and likely to get worse before it gets better.

Practicing gratitude for what you have is helpful. No one needs a 3rd kid, the environment suffers for it.

3 is selfish, think of the planet.

Why does the person who doesn’t want trump?

Because, when it comes to matters of consent, "I don't want to" is always worth more than, "but I do".

Because, when it comes to matters of consent, "I don't want to" is always worth more than, "but I do".

Because no one should be coerced or forced into doing something they don't want to do.

Both parties do have an equal say but, in the end, the one who says no is the one who 'wins'.

I think it’s a difficult situation and my opinion would differ depending on someone’s circumstances. If that’s your general rule of life then I’d be happily divorced. Life doesn’t work like that. There’s many things that have to be discussed. Not just a flat out “no because I don’t want”

Having an extra child is not something that can be compromised on. You can't reach a middle ground - it's a binary decision.

Many disagreements in life can be compromised on. This can't.

I've probably got a few childbearing years left but I don't want any more children. My boyfriend doesn't have any and he would love to be a parent.

If he desperately wanted a child and I didn't, whose desire/need/want/right should trump the other?

As stated it’s difficult like I said. My point is I personally would leave somebody if they didn’t want more children. I would go and have a child with someone else especially if I didn’t have any at all. I suppose it boils down to what you want more on both parties I realise that a choice has to be made.

@SunshineSmellsLikeSummer that’s a common problem on MN I read it often. It’s varies but people do leave not always at that particular time but don’t be under any illusion somebody won’t leave you right now. Down the line though often people who don’t have children is a deal breaker.