Hubby says no more kids

[AnonX2]

Hubby says “no” to any more kids. As it stands we have two amazing children. I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur. I have started to resent him; how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major? Advice?

[EarthSight]

If you have 2 amazing children then try to see the positives in that. I probably won't have any children now.

You assume that a third child would complete your family and be another positive, but it might not. Children can have very different personalities for one thing and many can pick up on if they weren't wanted by one parent.

Your husband sounds like he's being very sensible to me. I think what you are finding difficult is closing the door on motherhood, but please don't make your husband resent being a parent. I've seen first hand how a 3rd child can really drain a parent who was not invested in it. If you really want another child, you better split up with him if it's going to be a huge issue for you.

[harper30]

I get you OP, people have been pretty harsh here, you can't help wanting what you want, and I think biology can sometimes make that feel like a pretty intense need for another baby. I'm in a vaguely similar position; we have one DC currently and DP doesn't really even want a second just because he was an only child and was perfectly happy, and doesn't like the idea that it risks upsetting the nice balance we have currently. I on the other hand AM going to have another baby at some point in life, fate/biology allowing, I've never wanted just one DC. It is all on hold for now anyway due to some medical issues on my part, that hopefully can be resolved, but I've been pretty upfront with him and have said that if he puts his foot down I'll respect his wishes completely, but I'll also almost certainly leave him.
I sound like an unhinged loon, but sometimes you know what you want and there's not much that can change it. It's all very well saying 'reverse' the situation and imagine someone tried to force you to have a baby but it's not the same when it's the woman who wants to have another child, you know the risks and the sacrifice and the pain that pregnancy/childbirth can have and if it's still all you want, then you have the option to leave him/find another way of having another baby.
Will leave this here for all of the previous commenters to shred to pieces and call me whatever names they like 😂 but if you and I were friends and having a real conversation, this is what I would say to you in real life, whether that's the most ethical opinion to have, who knows, but it's how I feel at the moment too. Good luck either way OP, maybe in time we'd both get over the desire for another one? Who knows.

[DBML]

Hi op, I’m in your husbands position (my husband desperately wants a second child, but I don’t. Our son is a teen and I am enjoying having a life again).

When my husband starts to want to talk about another child, I can see how emotional he’s getting and I know he feels upset. I feel equally annoyed with him, for piling on the pressure. So both you and your husband are possibly feeling the same way and it’s not healthy.

As unfair as it feels, to bring a child into the world when one parent has explicitly said they don’t want them, is not a good start to any little person’s life.

So how do you get past this? Acceptance. Come to terms now, with the fact it’s not going to happen. Don’t bring it up again. Don’t think about it and enjoy the two you have. If the youngest asks for a baby sibling, tell her that mummy and daddy love her so much, they don’t need anymore babies. Nip it in the bud. That’s what I did with my son and he’s fine, hasn’t hurt him at all.

I understand it’s disappointing, but the alternative is dropping a grenade into your family, so time to let it go.

[LilyLongJohn]

Your need for another child doesn't trump his need to not have another.

You have got a few options here though.

You stay and make peace with fact you'll have 2 children

You leave and become a single Mum and hope you find someone who wants to have a child and is happy to take on your two dc also

You leave and have another child via sperm donor

[AnonX2]

@IJustWantSomeBees thanks so much! Appreciate your comment 😊

[AnonX2]

@MrsTerryPratchett good point! But now he just avoids having sex with me entirely so I guess that is his method of contraception... this is what I mean when I say the resentment is building.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

at the same time, we don’t use protection and he hasn’t got the snip.

I would make it very plain that you won't be aborting any pregnancy and say exactly what I said to DH, "I wouldn't put the person who wants another child in charge of contraception".

[IJustWantSomeBees]

Wow people are being so rude to you, I think lockdown no. 2 has got everyone's backs up!

You are valid to be upset that your DH has changed his mind and you are valid to be asking for advice for getting past the hurt/resentment. Ignore all these self-important tools

[AnonX2]

@Sorberret thank you so much for your response! People here have been less than helpful. I really wanted to know how to move past the resentment, but nearly everyone took that as the green light to scold me for daring to want a third child! How HORRIBLE of me 🙄

Yes, my husband has good reasons to not want another. His needs and wants are valued in this marriage. But so are mine, and before we had kids we spoke about wanting a big family and he was on board. I’m having trouble with him changing his mind. I know we are all allowed to change our minds, but it wasn’t even discussed. It was a unilateral decision and I’m hurt. We’ve had “frank” discussions before, but I think he’s just closed off to talking about it anymore but at the same time, we don’t use protection and he hasn’t got the snip. So it’s like he’s sending mixed messages. I’m just hurt and confused but I guess I will move on from it in another few years.

[Coolhand2]

I agree with @Sorberret about talking frankly with your hubby, maybe he is afraid the child will have SN too but that might not be the case. We were worried too having a 2nd after our first had autism and were told, it's more likely for the other kids but we went ahead, he turned out ok. Hopefully your hubby can change his mind.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

My exH said the same to me after we'd had 2 children and I wanted number 3.. basically said he wouldn't support me. I wish I'd just ignored him and gone ahead and got myself pregnant with number 3. Adore my two boys but sometimes think about that 3rd child I wanted so much. Should have just done it.

[Beautiful3]

Two is enough, especially with special needs. I have two, I did go through a period when I badly wanted another. My husband looked at the finances and practicalities. Theres no fourth bedroom, we live in a small house, would have to change car, holidays would cost more. We didn't have another, he was right. My feelings of yearning have subsided since.

[Sorberret]

I was in your position. I wanted a 3rd and dh didn't so I understand completely the resentment you speak of. We now have 3 and dh absolutely dotes on her. You cannot and must not nag or threaten him, that will destroy your relationship but you do need to have calm and Frank discussions with him. At the end of the day you are deeply unhappy, I know how this feels, and as partners it's for both of you to resolve. I don't what more advice I can give you really but I do understand every word of what you say. I've found some of the responses on her absolutely absurd and not very helpful. I wish you all the best

[Dontletitbeyou]

My daughter has also been asking me for a younger sibling and it hurts to hear that

When my daughter was very young I remember she wanted one of those cute little monkeys with the big eyes .She kept going on about it for weeks . She didn’t get that either
I can’t believe you would consider allowing enough resentment to build In an otherwise seemingly happy marriage ( you don’t mention other issues )that it would ruin your marriage . You have 2dc , be thankful for that. I know of a couple of people who would give ANYTHING to be in your position.
Your husband has every right to say no to more if he feels that way . Your wishes aren’t more important than his . You’re going to have to work together with him on this . As other pp mentioned it will be a whole lot harder as a single Mum if you decide you can’t get over your resentment

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Borrow away!

[AnonX2]

@MrsTerryPratchett omg “misogynistic twaddle” is by far the best line I’ve heard in a long time! Hope you don’t mind that I borrow it 🤣

[AnonX2]

@Aquamarine1029

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage

The only thing that will ruin your marriage is your unbridled selfishness. This isn't all about you.

Didn’t realize it was actually all about how YOU feel about it, my mistake 🙄

[Aquamarine1029]

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage

The only thing that will ruin your marriage is your unbridled selfishness. This isn't all about you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@choli

Unfortunately we can't really force someone to have a baby when they don't want to.
Even more unfortunately, women are able to force an "accidental" pregnancy on an unwilling partner, and frequently do so.

Frequently do so? What a load of misogynistic twaddle.

[choli]

Unfortunately we can't really force someone to have a baby when they don't want to.
Even more unfortunately, women are able to force an "accidental" pregnancy on an unwilling partner, and frequently do so.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My daughter has also been asking me for a younger sibling and it hurts to hear that. I am trying to get over it.

I wanted another and DD wanted a sibling. Now she's 9 and very very happy she doesn't have one, "mummy, it could have been a BOY!". And I absolutely got over it. I love my family of three.

[sorryforswearing]

I feel for you OP. I only have one (not by choice). He’s grown up now and I’ve never got over my yearning for another. Everyone is different and no one can know whether you’ll get over it or whether eventually be pleased you stuck at two. I know had it been my DP standing in my way I would have been resentful. As it is I’ve just got to get on with it. I know I am luckier than all the people who can’t have any children but their situation doesn’t impact on how I feel. You’re in a difficult situation and I’m sure you’ll do the best for your family but it’s hard and I feel empathy with you. You certainly shouldn’t be chastised for your feelings.

[AnonX2]

@SandyY2K

What advice were you hoping for? Advice on how to persuade him or how to feel okay with not having any more kids?

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage :(

[AnnaFour]

I think if your marriage is otherwise good with no other issues then l would try to find a way to make peace with it. I think having a child is such a huge thing that ideally it should only be done when both parents are 100% on board. In terms of resentment it’s tricky. I guess you could try to weigh all the things you have gained from your marriage against this which you feel deprived of?

[SandyY2K]

What advice were you hoping for? Advice on how to persuade him or how to feel okay with not having any more kids?