Hubby says no more kids

[AnonX2]

Hubby says “no” to any more kids. As it stands we have two amazing children. I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur. I have started to resent him; how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major? Advice?

[Ilovetheseventies]

When I met my DH he always wanted 3 children I wanted 2. I loved him so much that I thought yes I will have a 3rd. However it didn't really take much persuasion from me. Not having another child maybe something you regret forever.
It's like some of the people on here saying you've got two. What about women who have one children then can't conceive etc. Do you think people saying but you've already got one is helpful.
I sometimes wonder is it always about having children (in alot of cases yes) or is it to do with who is in control of the relationship in general?

[SunshineSmellsLikeSummer]

but don’t be under any illusion somebody won’t leave you right now

If he chose to leave me because he had no children and wanted one/two and I have two and dont want any more, then, of course, I would accept that. It's entirely his choice.

But I'd take a pretty dim view of someone who left their partner and two existing biological children to pursue a hypothetical third with a person they may or may not meet!

[Sweetlikecoca]

That’s not what I was advising OP to do. I also think it would be dim too.

[SunshineSmellsLikeSummer]

I wasn't suggesting you had.

I didn't look to see who had made the original comment but someone said they did know of women who'd done just that. Seems like madness and very unfair to the existing children to me.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I can’t believe how often people suggest leaving a relationship, breaking up a family and turning the existing children into the products of divorce purely because one party won’t agree to another child. And imagine how wonderful that would make the existing children feel, knowing that their mother split up their family because they weren’t enough

All of this - and especially the bolded bit

[AnonX2]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I do have some soul searching to do. My feelings haven’t changed however and I still feel the way I did when I first wrote this. My children have special needs, I work in this field and am qualified to deal with this and I am fully aware of the complexities of children with severe needs.

I don’t appreciate people insinuating that I do not care about my children, or that I do not want the best for them. Those are wildly inaccurate assumptions. I feel I am a great mother, and have lots of love to give. I realize that having another child most likely won’t happen, and I am trying to work through these feelings of not feeling heard by my husband.

My daughter has also been asking me for a younger sibling and it hurts to hear that. I am trying to get over it. I throw myself into loving my children ❤️

[Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I do have some soul searching to do. My feelings haven’t changed however and I still feel the way I did when I first wrote this. My children have special needs, I work in this field and am qualified to deal with this and I am fully aware of the complexities of children with severe needs.

And what happens to them if something happens to you? Your h doesn't have the training you do. He might not be able to cope with three kids with SN.

One thing, if he is the one who doesn't want more kids, he needs to walk the walk and get the snip.

[AnonX2]

Umm he is their father and has learned very well how to raise them with their varying needs. I think that makes him fairly qualified don’t you?

Anyway, I’m not here to argue with you or anyone. In the end it’s up to him and I and no one else.

I was hoping to receive advice, but instead I just got chastised for wanting another

[SandyY2K]

What advice were you hoping for? Advice on how to persuade him or how to feel okay with not having any more kids?

[AnnaFour]

I think if your marriage is otherwise good with no other issues then l would try to find a way to make peace with it. I think having a child is such a huge thing that ideally it should only be done when both parents are 100% on board. In terms of resentment it’s tricky. I guess you could try to weigh all the things you have gained from your marriage against this which you feel deprived of?

[AnonX2]

@SandyY2K

What advice were you hoping for? Advice on how to persuade him or how to feel okay with not having any more kids?

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage :(

[sorryforswearing]

I feel for you OP. I only have one (not by choice). He’s grown up now and I’ve never got over my yearning for another. Everyone is different and no one can know whether you’ll get over it or whether eventually be pleased you stuck at two. I know had it been my DP standing in my way I would have been resentful. As it is I’ve just got to get on with it. I know I am luckier than all the people who can’t have any children but their situation doesn’t impact on how I feel. You’re in a difficult situation and I’m sure you’ll do the best for your family but it’s hard and I feel empathy with you. You certainly shouldn’t be chastised for your feelings.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My daughter has also been asking me for a younger sibling and it hurts to hear that. I am trying to get over it.

I wanted another and DD wanted a sibling. Now she's 9 and very very happy she doesn't have one, "mummy, it could have been a BOY!". And I absolutely got over it. I love my family of three.

[choli]

Unfortunately we can't really force someone to have a baby when they don't want to.
Even more unfortunately, women are able to force an "accidental" pregnancy on an unwilling partner, and frequently do so.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@choli

Unfortunately we can't really force someone to have a baby when they don't want to.
Even more unfortunately, women are able to force an "accidental" pregnancy on an unwilling partner, and frequently do so.

Frequently do so? What a load of misogynistic twaddle.

[Aquamarine1029]

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage

The only thing that will ruin your marriage is your unbridled selfishness. This isn't all about you.

[AnonX2]

@Aquamarine1029

How to move past this resentment... how to not let it ruin our marriage

The only thing that will ruin your marriage is your unbridled selfishness. This isn't all about you.

Didn’t realize it was actually all about how YOU feel about it, my mistake 🙄

[AnonX2]

@MrsTerryPratchett omg “misogynistic twaddle” is by far the best line I’ve heard in a long time! Hope you don’t mind that I borrow it 🤣

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Borrow away!

[Dontletitbeyou]

My daughter has also been asking me for a younger sibling and it hurts to hear that

When my daughter was very young I remember she wanted one of those cute little monkeys with the big eyes .She kept going on about it for weeks . She didn’t get that either
I can’t believe you would consider allowing enough resentment to build In an otherwise seemingly happy marriage ( you don’t mention other issues )that it would ruin your marriage . You have 2dc , be thankful for that. I know of a couple of people who would give ANYTHING to be in your position.
Your husband has every right to say no to more if he feels that way . Your wishes aren’t more important than his . You’re going to have to work together with him on this . As other pp mentioned it will be a whole lot harder as a single Mum if you decide you can’t get over your resentment

[Sorberret]

I was in your position. I wanted a 3rd and dh didn't so I understand completely the resentment you speak of. We now have 3 and dh absolutely dotes on her. You cannot and must not nag or threaten him, that will destroy your relationship but you do need to have calm and Frank discussions with him. At the end of the day you are deeply unhappy, I know how this feels, and as partners it's for both of you to resolve. I don't what more advice I can give you really but I do understand every word of what you say. I've found some of the responses on her absolutely absurd and not very helpful. I wish you all the best

[Beautiful3]

Two is enough, especially with special needs. I have two, I did go through a period when I badly wanted another. My husband looked at the finances and practicalities. Theres no fourth bedroom, we live in a small house, would have to change car, holidays would cost more. We didn't have another, he was right. My feelings of yearning have subsided since.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

My exH said the same to me after we'd had 2 children and I wanted number 3.. basically said he wouldn't support me. I wish I'd just ignored him and gone ahead and got myself pregnant with number 3. Adore my two boys but sometimes think about that 3rd child I wanted so much. Should have just done it.

[Coolhand2]

I agree with @Sorberret about talking frankly with your hubby, maybe he is afraid the child will have SN too but that might not be the case. We were worried too having a 2nd after our first had autism and were told, it's more likely for the other kids but we went ahead, he turned out ok. Hopefully your hubby can change his mind.

[AnonX2]

@Sorberret thank you so much for your response! People here have been less than helpful. I really wanted to know how to move past the resentment, but nearly everyone took that as the green light to scold me for daring to want a third child! How HORRIBLE of me 🙄

Yes, my husband has good reasons to not want another. His needs and wants are valued in this marriage. But so are mine, and before we had kids we spoke about wanting a big family and he was on board. I’m having trouble with him changing his mind. I know we are all allowed to change our minds, but it wasn’t even discussed. It was a unilateral decision and I’m hurt. We’ve had “frank” discussions before, but I think he’s just closed off to talking about it anymore but at the same time, we don’t use protection and he hasn’t got the snip. So it’s like he’s sending mixed messages. I’m just hurt and confused but I guess I will move on from it in another few years.