Hubby says no more kids

[AnonX2]

Hubby says “no” to any more kids. As it stands we have two amazing children. I am desperate for another child whilst he cannot see past the additional expenses this will incur. I have started to resent him; how can we ever be happy again when one of us is conceding/sacrificing on something so major? Advice?

I always find it odd when (usually) woman here dismisses parter’s financial concerns at cost of raising an additional (usually 3rd or more) child. We need money to live & the existing 2 children will ultimately benefit from the increased income, they will have less if a 3rd comes alone.

Totally agree Alternative and what it must feel like to be passed back and forth between parents while your sibling gets to stay in just one home.

This was me. And it's fucking shit.

There's nothing you can do I'm afraid ...enjoy the family you have

Mine is the complete opposite. Wants 10!!!! Hahaha. I asked him how will we get about and have time for 10 children. He said he will get us a bus! We currently have 4 and expecting number 5 (complete suprise) . I love the idea of a big family. We can afford to have a big family as my husband works well and his his own businesses and we have time for all of them. No one is left out. People assume children from big family dont get equal time. I work from home and balance it . The kids are all happy and love playing together and having time with their parents. We are very close knit too.

I would say talk to your husband and just say it's your dream to have another baby and just imagine a lovely new baby around and so on. Bring up lovely memories of when your little ones were little.

But like everyone else has said. If your husband is the main breadwinner then you have to think of his side too. Weigh up the pros and cons. I think for us, we can afford it, we are moving too, to a bigger place. And our children are well clothed and fed. For others it might not be the same. Or others are happy with 1, 2 or even none. Depends on your own personal circumstances. It's your husbands choice too. I would say enjoy the family you have and not wreck your marriage or resent your hubby.

He’s not U not to want more DC, for any reason, and you would be U to resent him for ir.

Deal with it or end the relationship if the opportunity to have a third DC is a higher priority.

I've just recently come to the realisation that I won't be having anymore children ( i have one DS). Everytime I think about it I could cry because I just want one more but there's so many reasons why it's not a good idea. We're renting, I need to establish my career properly and won't be able to do that on maternity, partner has really struggled with parenthood so would be unfair for all involved if I talked him round, I had a massive 4th degree tear last time so would need a c section this time and financial reasons.

I still can't shake the feeling of wanting 1 more but I'll just have to make my peace with it eventually and move on. I understand tho OP, everytime I think of our situation I get a sinking feeling in my stomach and cry. Can't wait for the 'broodyness' to pass!

FFS be grateful for what you’ve got.

You will have a full, busy family life as a family of 4. Why bring another child into it?

Your husband is also right re the financial impact. You are diluting the quality of life you can offer your 2 kids from a financial perspective by having a third. Are you working?

I wanted three DC, v luckily have two, couldn’t have DC3 for fertility reasons. By that point I might well have ttc DC3, but due to my and our experiences, and financial/health/practical/ relationship issues as parents of two DC DH definitely didn’t want to ttc DC3.

Couldn’t have the size of family we had originally envisaged, but it’s still v v good!

Three is a lot really , he's right .

It’s a lot easier for the non-bread winning parent to “want” another kid but the “need” to consider family finances must take precedence. You just don’t know what will happen in the future, if your kids will require additional costs. I know myself my bipolar did not start presenting until my 20s. I cost my family a lot of money in food/accomodation by crashing my careers & having to move back home in both 20s & 30s. What if they had another kid assuming Their first 2 would be out of the nest? My brother didn’t leave until he got married in his 30s!

People can get caught up in cutesy buzz phrases like “3 is the new 2!” But is it? 3 is 3. 3rd kid means possibly upgrading house, if they have any special need it can scupper your plans for them not costing much by only needing hand me downs etc... also it might be fine during their childhood but as they get to teen & adult years, the complex needs & financial cost can often increase.

With the current climate of kids staying at home well into 20s now + the environmental impact, I think more serious consideration should be given as to why a 3rd will actually benefit anyone, except the “clucky” parent

You can't have another kid if one party doesn't want it. It's a shame if you want another one but you just have to come to terms with it. I've four adult kids and while I really really adore them and we can easily afford them I can see the benefits of having two.

I’m horrified by the number of posters here suggesting she leaves and gets pregnant on her own or meets a new man yadda yadda. So the poor children she has have their home/family split up, mum on the hunt for a new sperm donor who may or may not then be involved in their lives - all this upheaval and trauma for them because OP wants a third child....REALLY?? Isn’t that the height of selfishness? Sometimes we just have to be very thankful for what we have and let the other wants just go.

I also think this type of attitude is often not from parents who really desire the “best” for their child - like the cost of enriching extra curricular activities, or spending a lot if they show particular talent or interest in something - ballet mums here must surely know how expensive those classes/costumes can be.

Would you not want your kid having the better brand sports kit which are better for their feet & of superior quality ?

What if they have a cosmetic issue like crooked teeth or jug ears which upset them & that corrective surgery or braces will help fix this issue ? But you can’t afford it anymore because of a 3rd?

What if they get into some serious kind of financial trouble as adults & you want to help them but unable to because you have less savings due to having a 3rd?

Unless your really well off we all have to live within a budget & the fact is 2 existing kids will have access to more without a 3rd.

Exactly PP - want what you have, not have what you want.

But am a childfree identifying person so this attitude astounds me with the selfishness, so may sound harsh but it’s truly how I feel.

No one is saying OP SHOULD end her relationship.

I would say talk to your husband and just say it's your dream to have another baby and just imagine a lovely new baby around and so on. Bring up lovely memories of when your little ones were little

I would have thought that having 4 children already you would realise that they don't stay lovely little babies for long.

Don't imagine a lovely new baby in a year's time.
Imagine a moody teenager eating you out of house and home.
If you're lucky, that's what you'll end up with.
If you're unlucky...

@goody2shooz

I’m horrified by the number of posters here suggesting she leaves and gets pregnant on her own or meets a new man yadda yadda

I don't think anyone has suggested she should do that, only that it's one of the possible options.

I think most people have said it to encourage the OP to think about what is most important to her - the family she already, or the potential third baby. Is the third baby worth risking her marriage for?

I was in this situation - and I fantasised about getting pregnant accidentally, getting pregnant "accidentally", husband having an affair so I could go off and find someone else, son's schoolfriend being pregnant and needing somewhere to go (son was still only 6 at this point, you understand)...

Eventually I accepted that there would be No More Babies, but I was still a bit sad.

Then one day (younger was about 10, I think) I realised that I wasn't sad any more, and I actually didn't want to have another.

So you'll understand that I'm not being dismissive when I say

You'll get over it.

What would you rather? Keeping your family unit intact with your husband and 2 children or leaving him and finding someone else to have the 3rd with?
You can’t force him to have another anymore than he could force you if you didn’t want another. I understand the biological yearning for another but you’re just going to have to get over it or move on

Many women get a strong urge to have another child when they approach a certain age. It's mother nature's way of trying to get us to reproduce and the urge of having another baby can be really overwhelming so I sympathise. Rather than really pushing your husband on this issue you should talk to someone, friends or even a therapist to help you overcome the feeling of loss.

The world is a shit storm at the moment and we don’t know if and when it will All end. Why are you moaning about another kid? Keeping your 2 kids any yourself Well and healthy is priority right now.

There is a currently theory of thought which disputes much of the ‘clucky’ feeling as emotionally learnt, not a physical need. We learn as women to see our identity as a mother role. Little girls still given dolls to nurse, etc. Still assumed in society most women will become mothers. That perception is what little girls learn to aspire to. Having Children are described as an “achievement” when in reality having & birthing children is at its core the most basic of human behaviours. It is nothing unusual in & of itself.

It is said that the clucky feeling can be panic at missing out on this seemingly vital social experience, as children age fear about losing the “mummy” identity & wanting to ensure there is always a baby at home to dote on. Kids take up a lot of time. The fear of what else you will do to fill the time is very confronting, especially for people with few hobbies or personal pursuits separate to their identity as a mother.

Also we learn kids will take care of you in age, the fear of being alone is also a factor...

When people are clucky they don’t seem to be imagining their current kids as teens or grown adults still needing assistance, they don’t see the imagined new baby as being a teen or grown up. They just picture baby snuggles & fun stuff. This is plain selfishness & does not consider the opinions of other family members, existing family members’ needs or financial impact considerations.

Unfortunately we can't really force someone to have a baby when they don't want to.

Fortunately there are alternatives. I am going to be a single mother by choice & use a sperm donor and I don't care if people judge me for that. I have never had a hubby, it's the modern day, I am brave to go it alone and I want kids. I am now talking to the fertility clinic.

But being a single mother by choice is not for everyone. If I was you, I would be so grateful for having a hubby and two kids, I think you are lucky to have that in your life. Not everyone has that.

Take care :)

Just to clarify my opinions are in relation to only women who already have existing multiple children & not someone who is experiencing infertility.

I can see why some parents of a single child may be worrying about their child being an only child & feeling they may benefit from a sibling. This is no commentary on parents of one child ! It’s just the only non-selfish reason I can think of for feeling like you apparently “need” a bigger family than you already have.