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Original poster

Accepting husbands "affair child"

145 replies

kandicoateddream · 10/06/2020 15:59

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 10/06/2020 16:01

Maybe accepting it wasn't an affair would be a start....
He wasn't living or sleeping with you...

Original poster

kandicoateddream · 10/06/2020 16:05

It may not of been an affair when the child was conceived but he left me for her and was seeing her for a few months whilst very much still being with me.

OP posts:

shakeyourcoconuts · 10/06/2020 16:06

But she says her husband left her for the OW, I'm assuming the same one that mothered this child. What I think is that she got pregnant while they were separated.

I think he's being a good father and you just have to suck it up
When you took him back that baby for better or for worse was part of the package. Therapy might help too.

AmeliaTaylor · 10/06/2020 16:06

Windyatthebeach

Can’t you read? OP says very clearly he left her for another woman, this boy’s mum. She said they weren’t together when he told her about the pregnancy. He had an affair.

Starcup · 10/06/2020 16:06

@windy

Maybe accepting it wasn't an affair would be a start....
He wasn't living or sleeping with you...

The OP said this....

So it looks like he was clearly having an affair!

Sugartitss · 10/06/2020 16:14

This must be very painful op.

You’re husband is a shit though having nothing to do with his son for what, 5 years?

There is an innocent child involved here so just keep putting his interests first.

EL8888 · 10/06/2020 16:21

Being pendantic but it most definitely was an affair. Not least as he was and still is married to OP

I personally wouldn’t be making any efforts to accept his child. It’s not your problem is it? He chose to do that and with the woman he had the affair with. None of it was your decision

Windyatthebeach · 10/06/2020 16:22

It wasn't conceived when he was with the op though... Twat dh but taking responsibility for both his dc..

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/06/2020 16:23

i think its ridiculous that you accepted a man back who was going to leave another woman with a child he was never going to see. He sounds like disgusting human being.

but i think he is right to see his child and his child should come prioritised over you

SnuggyBuggy · 10/06/2020 16:24

I think you need to accept that this child is real and not going to go away. It's OK if you can't deal with it and want to leave over it

TheGirlWithAPrince · 10/06/2020 16:26

@EL8888 okay so what if your married and you split up and in 6 years your still techniquelly married ( going on a real life scenario that i know) and then one of you gets with another person.. is that an affair? XD

backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 16:28

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

You don't.

Or at least you don't have to.

I certainly couldn't and I think it's an almost impossible ask to be honest.

And @thegirlwithaprince my understanding is that he left OP for her, so had at minimum an emotional affair with her to be close enough to leave for her?

Ughmaybenot · 10/06/2020 16:28

I mean, he cheated on you, his pregnant wife, left you, again, pregnant wife, for another woman, got her pregnant too, then said he wanted nothing to do with his child by her and came back to you.
I feel like a more pertinent question would be why on earth do you want this.. man?

EL8888 · 10/06/2020 16:28

@TheGirlWithAPrince it’s fine if he wants to re-prioritise his child OP. But personally if l was OP l would be off and gone. I agree it’s not the child’s fault but for OP perspective it’s a random child and a reminder of a painful point in her life l am guessing

CodenameVillanelle · 10/06/2020 16:29

I am the sibling of an affair child and there was a lot of hurt - we resumed contact as adults because I sought him out. At the end of the day he's my brother and I'm glad to have him in my life now - and I do feel sad that we didn't get the relationship we could have done because the 3 adults involved couldn't put the children first.

Having said that I don't think my mum ever totally forgave him and she still holds anger about it 40 years later. That's her right I think.

ImInYourMindFuzz · 10/06/2020 16:29

If you’re struggling to accept this child then you need to leave. For your own sanity and the wellbeing of a child who didn’t ask to be brought into this car crash situation. If that child starts to feel resentment or your anger / upset in anyway you’ll affect them for life, and that is not fair. Your “d”h is a pig and you shouldn’t have taken him back but you deserve better than a man who doesn’t even talk to you about restarting contact.

WornDownTired · 10/06/2020 16:29

I had already made up my mind at the end of this sentence:

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son.

So he was having an affair with OW, left pregnant you for her (what a catch he was) and then left pregnant OW and then got back with you.

I would ask him to leave and arrange for him to have your DS EOW (opposite to his other DC so he has NO w/e's free to impregnate other women) and live your life without him in it. Seriously, WTF does he think he is?

backseatcookers · 10/06/2020 16:30

I mean, he cheated on you, his pregnant wife, left you, again, pregnant wife, for another woman, got her pregnant too, then said he wanted nothing to do with his child by her and came back to you. I feel like a more pertinent question would be why on earth do you want this.. man?

Well put.

It's good he wants a relationship with his children but that doesn't change the fact he's treated both mothers like absolute shit.

He should be aiming to coparent healthily with both of them, without needing to be in a relationship with either.

EL8888 · 10/06/2020 16:30

@TheGirlWithAPrince technically yes. I left my 1st husband and starting dating someone else a few months later. Difference is my marriage ended first and l was honest with all parties. I told no lies and there was no overlap.

Legally it most definitely was an affair

Microwaveoven · 10/06/2020 16:33

Honestly, get some therapy and deal with it.

Why you want to be with a man who could so easily give up on parenting his own child is beyond me. It's extremely unattractive and not something I would look for in a soul mate.

It's a good thing he now wants to be part of his child's life. Pathetic that it took him 5 years.

If you do live him and want to stay together then get therapy. If not split up.

CrazyDaysAndMondays10 · 10/06/2020 16:33

Wow . I try my hardest not to be judgemental on these forums but I'm actually shocked . You have put your own feelings above an innocent and defenceless child. You have encouraged your husband to emotionally and physically abandon his child because it suited you and now when he is actually doing the right thing it's just all about you and your feelings . If you can't cope with it split up with your husband . He's the issue after all.

You might have been in shock in 2014 but it's six years later , start having some bloody empathy for others.

R2519 · 10/06/2020 16:34

I dont think you will get any real useful advise OP, only sympathy in buckets, mine included. Its a really really hard situation that i dont think anyone can comprehend being in.

All i can say is if you really want your marriage to work. You love and trust your DH and, putting your child together to 1 side, you really do want to stay married to him for you, not your child, then you need to work at it. Together. Go to councilling, it may help.

I expect it wont ever get to the point where you look and his other child and are not reminded of his affair but if you can find a way of coping with those thought and channeling them somehow.....councilling could help there.

I dont envy your situation and you are braver than most to continue the relationship. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons and because YOU want to be with him.

Snowdown24 · 10/06/2020 16:35

Got you pregnant then left, got her pregnant then left her......best not to get pregnant again op....COs you know what he will do!

It’s going to hurt as the other child gets older and things happen, because he will come above you, which is right, but it will still hurt, I’d leave.

FaceOfASpink · 10/06/2020 16:35

This is a dreadful thing to say and I know full well what it's like to be cheated on but you're going to need to get your head round the fact that this other son is more important than you.

Your husband has clearly demonstrated that by his actions.

You have choices though. You can split up or you can stay and either learn to cope with it or stay and have it continue to mess you up.

In the long term, I think the first option will do you and your own child a lot less damage.

OP good men don't behave like this.

Boshmama · 10/06/2020 16:36

I can't quite believe you got back together and that you were happy that this little boy was left fatherless so that you could sweep it under the rug and move on as a happy little family of three.

He should have been there for both of his children from day one, in their lives, nor just paying maintenance. That really is the bare, bare minimum.

Obviously I think he is disgusting for cheating on you and leaving you when you were pregnant - I personally think it's unforgivable. But as you have forgiven him, then you need to accept his other son as part of your family. He is your DS's brother and will be part of his life forever so you need a way to reconcile it if you want to stay with your husband.

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