Accepting husbands "affair child"

[kandicoateddream]

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

@Cheeseaandbiscuit

My comments were based on the fact that the OP knew about the child since before he was born (in Feb 2014) , she got back with her husband after he was born and was obviously okay to stay with a man who decided to take absolutely nothing to do with his son ( except financially and this is a legal requirement) .

Would you be happy to stay with a man who abandoned his child? Because I certainly wouldn't .

I stand by what I said. I've seen the hurt this can cause to a child , and I think the OP needs to take out her hurt on the person who deserves it , her husband .

I understand that everyone's feelings matter , my point was she hadn't thought about the feelings of that child in six years and is posting how to accept him when it's her husband she should struggle to accept.. It's fine if you disagree with that .

How much does he do with both his children? Does he do 50% of the work involved with your child and most of the work involved when his other child is there?
I hope it’s not a case of you expected to cook, clean, and entertain both children on his visits?

God I so hate comments like this!! Yes it's sad for the child being born into a situation like that but that doesn't mean people can just turn off emotions, nor should they.
Of course they don't have to turn their emotions off, but it's a bit rich to be fine for their husband to turn his back on his child so they can play happy families again and be upset and annoyed that he's finally decided to do the tiniest hint of parenting his child.

@ ProseccoBubbleFantasies no sorry small town in Scotland .

I think he has made it clear he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Or your son's, one day he is going to realise what happened and that is going to set the bar for his future relationships. Most people would struggle with a child that was conceived while on a break or through an affair, it's a constant reminder and he hasn't made any effort to make that any easier on you eg introducing the idea slowly asking how to make it easier, seeing him out of the house for a bit at first. He has just gone and done whatever the fuck he wanted. Like he did when he left for the OW, it's all about what's best for him, not his sons, and not his wife.

@LolaSmiles

I totally agree , this OP and this thread has actually made me feel depressed . The OP describes a situation that is awful . Another way to describe these events would be

My husband left me while I was pregnant, he impregnated the other woman but he came back to me and we were able to make everything okay by basically forgetting that the other woman and her child even existed . We even managed to strengthen our marriage.

Unfortunately , my husband decided to bring these people back into my life, and although I knew about their existence all along I just can't live like this... I mean it's been years , I didn't think this would happen.

And it's seeing this child that makes it all so difficult. He makes it so I can't forget . It's the child that's making it unbearable...

Nothing about any of this is right .

This sounds really painful for you

I completely understand how it would be hurtful to see a child who got husband conceived with another woman.

I think the only healthy thing you can do at this point though is embrace the situation since you were strong enough to get back together with him. If that's what you want then you deserve it, and the little boy deserves a relationship with his father.

If you want to go through with this I think you should focus in the positives. I do know someone who a similar thing happened to although she didn't get back with the man, but she is actually really close to his little boy conceived with the OW and I really admire her for that. Best or luck

I think you have to just accept that if you want to be with him then his son from the OW is part of the picture. Alternatively, if it's too much for you then split. However, whatever happens, your own son will always have contact with his half brother.

I have had another think since my last response and I actually think you should leave him and make contact with the OW to ensure the two children can have a relationship

since you were strong enough to get back together with him

Not sure strong is the right word.

So your relationship with your DH is dependent on him being a shit dad to his other child?

Not the child's fault he was conceived in these circumstances.
Get a grip.

I probably wouldn't take my husband back if he had an affair and then a baby with another woman. I definitely wouldn't take him back if he announced he was disowning the baby. What an absolute snivelling weasel to get back with you by promising that. I think I hate him.

Why did you take your husband back, anyway? He sounds like a gross loser.

Anyway, my dad was like this...he's from the islands.....fighting a child maintenance court case in the islands right now....and he's a grandpa! These men don't ever change. Dump your man.

If you do stay, however, you should be nice to the child. Never ever make the child suffer. It's not his fault. Your partner m, however, would be feeling WRATH before and after every visit if I were with him.

But honestly, he isn't worth the turmoil. I'd DUMP that dead weight. Be happy

The kid’s innocent in this.

You should be reminded of what your dick of a husband did when you look at your dick of a husband.

Apologies if this has been mentioned already. Op, how can you be okay with your dh and not the child? Your dh is the shit and the child has done nothing to you. You should be redirecting your displeasure and discomfort towards your dh and getting out of this relationship. I couldn't harbour any ill thoughts towards the child or any child.

My perspective is somewhat different to some of the harsh and judgy remarks you've received.

Maybe you'll learn to accept and like this situation or maybe not. You do not have to accept it at all. If you are unhappy in your marriage and you do not wish to coparent the child of his affair when you were married, you do not have to. Just because he came back to you earlier doesn't mean you have to stay with him now. He did what he did, and you have choices now for yourself.

Yes, you took him back, and tried to move on, but it's understandable you're finding this difficult. So many people might. I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation.

I have to say that I don't think your husband sounds great. He left you, then her, ignored his second child for some time, then he failed to consider or consult you about next steps , as though your views didn't count. It seems they don't, with him. Your role is to quietly accept and do as he wishes, in practice. Regardless of how he actually presents it to you. It's all about him.

Lots of people have one reaction after an affair and another one down the line, once the dust has settled and they feel more relaxed and able to think.

That little boy will always be around for his father now. You need a long think, and maybe some counselling for yourself to decide what you can live and be happy with, and what you cannot. You do have choices.

you "respected his decision" because it suited you to push that little boy into the background and pretend he didn't exist.

You have to either accept the situation and pull your big girl pants up, be a decent stepmother, hug that child, love and care for him when he visits and welcome him into your family unconditionally, OR leave your husband and end the marriage. Your son will always have a half brother and will and should have a relationship with him when he visits his dad. For the sake of both boys, you need to make a decision about what you can live with. What you must not do, is carry on with the current situation, resenting a small child who doesn't deserve to have a stepmother who can barely bring herself to look at him without feeling hatred and hurt.

Get yourself some counselling to help you with this. And work on yourself to understand your own values and why you have put yourself in this situation.

Wow some men really do love to have their cake and eat it - lick the packaging too! Everything revolving around him and his whimsies.

Wow some men really do love to have their cake and eat it - lick the packaging too!
Of course they do. Sadly there's enough women out there who enable this dick behaviour by doing some of the following:

• dating men and having children with men who have already proven they don't bother with their existing children
• like above, but being surprised that he goes on to do exactly the same to them
• being content for their new partner to play dad to their children and getting annoyed at his ex if she dares suggest he spends more time with his other children. Obviously she must be jealous of his new relationship.
• respects their DP's choice to not see or support existing children because they don't like the ex / they think DP will sleep with the ex / it's easier
• unquestioningly accept that a man with children to several women must be telling the truth that several women are the crazy ex 🙄 (sure, some women do use children as a weapon but when the common denominator is your new man, maybe he's a dick)

And before anyone gets funny, I'm not blaming women for some men being dickheads. Some men are dickheads, but it doesn't mean we should accept it.

Sounds like he ‘broke up’ with you to pursue this other woman with every intention of eventually getting back with you. That is so wrong. It’s likely they were seeing each other before you two took a break. I’m sorry this has happened but saying that you took him back knowing he had fathered another child behind your back. That is something I personally couldn’t get over so I’d never have taken him back. This isn’t the child’s fault, it’s his. Being with him means accepting and loving his child, as hard as that is it’s the truth... I know I wouldn’t be able to do it, I wouldn’t want to love a child that my partner had created during an affair. I’d say walk away or accept and love the child. It’s up to you now... big hugs op 🌺

I wouldn't accept it.

I'm guessing it's you who has to do the parenting to 2 small kids at weekends when the second child is about. More work for you? Fuck that.

NC for this. I’m actually in a very similar situation to you. But as soon as I found out about the child I decided to divorce. I just couldn’t live with the thought of having to help my DH to co-parent his child, it would tear me apart. I think it would be a very hard thing to do, and I feel so relieved at the decision I made as I can now separate that part of his life from mine and I don’t have anything to do with it. I totally understand the anxiety you describe, and I would never want to feel that way again. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do, and if you decide to stay with the situation you will have to love the child as your own which would mean totally forgiving your DH and being at peace with what has happened.

Buy accepting this child is innocent in all this. He isnt responsible for his fathers behaviour. This child deserves a father in his life, just as much as your child does.

Accepting he had an affair, well that's up to you both to work on your relationship.

What are your fears with him meeting his son?

The child must be about six now. I think the best thing would be for your husband to see him regularly at his home if the mother is agreeable, take him out, etc. However I wonder if you would be worried about him seeing the ex girlfriend so you'll have to weigh up the pros and cons.

I know you realise this but none of it is the child's fault.

Also please remember it happened while you were not together so, technically, your husband was single. The child's mother probably thought he was permanently separated.

Husband was very immature to do a runner when you were pregnant but you have patched that up, it was more than seven years ago. Also he wasn't very nice saying he wanted nothing to do with his child but that, too, is past; I hope he has been paying some child support.

The fact is both children are going to want to meet sooner or later. I knew someone years ago who was in the same position as your husband; he supported and saw his child regularly with his wife's knowledge, she didn't want to know anything about it but accepted the situation because they had split up for a while during which the child was conceived. The two he had with his wife knew nothing about their sister until all were adult at which time the 'OW's' daughter insisted on her dad telling them and allowing them all to meet.

They did meet and an ongoing relationship between them ensued, wife no longer minded. However that all happened when all the children were adult and you have some years to go to reach that stage, op. In your position I'd be happier if he saw his child away from your home for the time being.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, life's a bitch sometimes isn't it?

This children might not want to meet. My DC do not want to meet my DH’s child and have no interest in him. I would never have kept it a secret though, as I think that it would be terrible for an adult to find out that they had a secret sibling that their parents didn’t tell them about. Saying that, I would be supportive if my DC did want to meet their Dad’s child, but they really don’t feel a sibling bond at all!!