Accepting husbands "affair child"

[kandicoateddream]

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

The children have already met.

Okay so none of this is the child's fault and he deserves a relationship with his father.

Here's what you do:

1. Accept that the child is his son and let them continue the relationship

1. Leave if you can't get over it

Sorry but the child comes before you, personally I would have never gotten back with such a disgusting man but each to their own

Sorry but you can't make him choose.

If you choose to be with him, you accept the child as well. That's what happens in blended families, you accept the other children.

If you can't get over the affair and this child reminds you of it, leave him. That's totally fine. I couldn't be in the same house as that child. It's not the kids fault, but they are a reminder of the husband cheating. I wouldn't want that reminder each day.

But you can't have both. You cannot ignore the child and have your husband. It will never, ever work. You must pick which option you want.

I would be weighing up whether I still want to be with a man who cheated on me, had an affair, had a baby with another woman and now wants the child to stay over at your house.
He has not asked your opinion on any of these things he has just gone ahead and done what he wants with no discussion.
Evidence that he has not changed, he does not value your opinion, nor does he ask it. He just goes ahead and does exactly what he wants to do regardless of your feelings.
I would be asking him to move out personally.
Sometimes it helps to have a trial separation, it's very difficult to see the wood for the trees when the person causing you all this pain is living with you.
You need thinking time for the rose coloured specs to come off and have a good look at the relationship for what it really is.

To quote the always reliable AnyFucker I wouldn't touch your 'D'H with a bargepole.
Your self-respect is surely not that low?

I'm also surprised that no-one has picked up on what you said:
"When the little boy is at our house he isn't treated any different than our own son is. Don't get me wrong I don't hug him but I'll play with him and look after him ".

Where is your 'D'H while you are hugging and looking after this little mite.

Because, if if I stayed with this man, I would make sure that I was out at appointments for the entire time your son's brother is visiting.
It's your 'D'Hs responsibility to play and look after and entertain and kiss knee scrapes, and mediate arguments between the two and change soiled clothes etc.

I wonder does 'D'H do any of that?

I don’t think you respected his decision because no one can respect anyone who decides to have nothing 8ng to do with their child.

But I do think it suited you for him to be NC because that way you could pretend it never happened. That meant you didn’t deal with the real emotion and issues at the time. Just buried them.

Now you are having to face the reality of what your DH has done, 6 years too late. Have you had counselling?

That poor little boy who’s relationship with his father was sacrificed to save yours.

This mist be very distressing for you OP, my sympathies. All I can suggest to you is thinking long and hard about what you want, and what you are prepared to put up with to reach it. For the record, he doesn’t sound ideal. 💐

Leave him asap

Op, I couldn’t get over this either. I really couldn’t.

I’d have to ask my husband to leave. He could then look after both children at the weekend and I could get on with finding someone who I didn’t have such an awful history with.

I think OP that his process is all wrong. The magnitude of your grace in view of the havoc he created should be met with massive respect for you at all times.
It should be evident, careful and present at all times. Before deciding to see his son he will have thought about it long and hard, will have approached the mother or been approached by the mother, and will have come to his decision. All of that was done without you.
That does not bode well at all for you.

I think you're in an incredibly difficult position OP and I cannot actually believe people on here are giving you a hard time!? I mean seriously wtaf!
You are also a victim of what he's done!
Tbh the fact he started contact without telling you just shows he doesn't treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
I think I could just about cope with having the kid round but I would have ZERO tolerance for contact with the OW
I just couldn't cope with the risk the affair might start up again.
I think you hold all the answers within you OP 💛
Let's say you had a daughter and she asked your advice what would you say?...

Good luck and don't for one second listen to people on here saying you should feel bad your husband didn't see the other kid.
That's his responsibility not yours!
And yes it's unnatractive and wrong but I imagine you are perhaps a victim of him too OP

Sending lots of hugs and strength to do whatever you need to do xx 🙏

So he left you whilst you were pregnant and then left the other woman whilst she was pregnant. See the pattern here. He sounds like a dreadful man, I don't know why you would've taken him back

every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair

Do you not think of the affair every time you look at your husband?

I have two pieces of advice for you:

Double-up on contraception because this man seems to enjoy deserting pregnant women.

Have a look at some form of therapy to help you establish why you’re willing to accept this.

You have got this the wrong way round. it's not about whether or not you should be accepting this child.
What you should be doing is rejecting you husband.
The child is your son's brother and is the innocent party here.

*every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair

Do you not think of the affair every time you look at your husband?*

Exactly. Stop being so naive. Kid or no kid. He left you to impregnate someone else. And you took him back. This is not the kids fault. He deserves a relationship with his dad. You deserve a counseling session to talk some sense into you. This man is not husband material.

Feel sorry for the two boys mostly

I'd be suspicious of his sudden change of heart. He wanted nothing to do with this innocent child for years now suddenly he does? I'd say it's very likely he's sniffing round the mum again

We don't know that, Vetti. It's possible that seeing the child of him and the op growing up made him wonder, and feel guilty, about his other child. It happens.

I'm so sorry OP. I think you were naive in thinking this affair fallout child wouldn't come back into your life one way or another.

This child will always be a cold stark reminder of how your husband betrayed you in leaving you for the child's mother.

I think you should end the relationship. You have got yourself a disrespectful liar who habitually keeps secrets from you in order to get what he wants. You are always going to be second fiddle to his needs and preferences.