Accepting husbands "affair child"

[kandicoateddream]

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

I think you should divorce and definitely do not accept this child. Its nothing to do with you.

You and DS should move on and maybe you'll find someone worthy in the future.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10
Wow, aren't you lovely!!
Forget the OP having empathy how about you developing some sympathy! OP is in a position very few will ever find themselves in. Of course the child is going to be a reminder, all the time. OP needs help to find ways of coping with that!

OP I dont mean to be harsh what happens if you get pregnant again he abandon two pregnant women. You and you're ds deserve more.

will be part of his life forever

No, and I say that as someone with many half "siblings".

And btw your husband is disgusting and pathetic to cheat the way he did and abandon his child. But he isn't the one posting . I wouldn't waste one moment on replying to a tosser like that .

My neice has been treated like your ... Stepson? Has. It's deeply unpleasant and leaves massive scars . You are all the adults . Grow the fuck up .

It's perfectly ok not to accept the child even though you thought you did in 2014. It would be a deal breaker for most women tbh

He is doing the right thing by seeing the child (sorry) but I think yanbu in the slightest to say that you can't accept it anymore. Don't ask him to pick between you and this child though.

Placing the child first should be the priority. He's already had years without his father in his life because your husband has placed his love life before his child.

You have no choice but to accept the child. The child should not miss out because of an adult's jealousy.

However the big question is he has left two pregnant women and has had nothing to do with a child for years, why is he such a catch to you?

I couldn't remain in a relationship with this man OP... sorry

@R2519 No .the OP should never have taken back her husband if she couldn't have accepted his child. That is totally and completely non negotiable . This is Mumsnet FFS .

You either leave your H or you work very hard on your relationship with the son. Try to find ways of being able to think of him as 'him' rather than as a product of your H's affair.

If you can't do that (and I wouldn't blame you), time to take your boy and go. Your H can work on his little family dynamic alone.

So you were happy to be with a man who cheated on you whole pregnant. Who then got the OW pregnant. And cut off his child completely. A child grew up without his father, so that your marriage could work. He then started seeing the child, which is good. But didn't discuss it with you first, to work through it together.

And your question is 'how do I accept the child?'

You have to get your head round that this child is half sibling to your child/ren. The child isnt at fault here and lost out on a father for years, for yours and your husbands benefit.

The person you should be struggling to accept is your husband.

So, to be clear, you are saying a woman who was abandoned whilst pregnant has to set aside any feelings she has so her cheating, twice pregnant woman abandoning husband can play happy families?

You have some seriously skewed ideas about personal responsibility.

All OP has to do is what is best for her and her child.

Just as her husband has to.

And where there is conflict the adults need to talk. Not issue orders, expect acquiescence.

So far all OP has done wrong is burying her hurt.

You took him back - were you not over the affair then?

If he does leave you again it will be nothing to do with the boy.

Your son has a half-brother - concentrate on forging a positive relationship between them.

He should be an active parent to all his kids.

But he'd be no partner of mine!! No way. LTB you should never have taken him back.

So, to be clear, you are saying a woman who was abandoned whilst pregnant has to set aside any feelings she has so her cheating, twice pregnant woman abandoning husband can play happy families?
She was happy to take her husband back knowing he had a child he was having nothing to do with.
The child had no relationship with his father so that the OP and her husband could play happy families and focus on their love life.

I have a huge amount of sympathy for the OP because she's married to a cheat and the affair will have hurt, but when you choose to continue a relationship after an affair you're accepting the situation. I'd struggle to find any man who abandoned his child to get back in my pants attractive.

I feel like a more pertinent question would be why on earth do you want this.. man?
Absolutely this OP.
I couldn't be with someone who wanted nothing to do with his own child.
I'm glad he is now stepping up but you don't have to accept it or live with it.
You are allowed to change your mind.
But.... if you want this to work, have you thought about some counselling or therapy for yourself?
It might help?.

No . I'm not saying she should accept any of it . I'm saying she should have only took back her husband if she was willing to accept his child.

Personally I think she was treated appallingly and I think she should have dumped her husband and never looked back.

Are you saying a child should live without his father because his stepmother gets anxiety about his existence? ( Again I get that his existence is hurtful but the child has to come first)

I don't think you should accept it. I think you should see a therapist who can help you realise that you should leave him. You can then have a perfectly nice relationship with your dc's brother and not worry about your cheating, child- neglecting ex.

You need to decide if you can love and respect a man who left you whilst pregnant, got someone else pregnant and encouraged that pregnancy, abandoned that child for 5+ years. If you can you can, if you can’t you can’t. But don’t let his behaviour effect the child - his parents actions are not his fault.

I wouldn't have accepted him back in the first place. You have to accept that these boys are now half brothers and they deserve a relationship. You don't have to be a part of that together with your husband. That little boy is not going away and he deserves a relationship with his father. I think your husband is the pits for not involving himself in his child's life for all of those years.

I wouldn't touch this bloke with a fucking barge pole

Very very painful, but... I'd be more accepting of him for wanting a relationship with the child. I couldn't be with a man as heartless as one who could just deny its existence

Wow . I try my hardest not to be judgemental on these forums but I'm actually shocked . You have put your own feelings above an innocent and defenceless child. You have encouraged your husband to emotionally and physically abandon his child because it suited you and now when he is actually doing the right thing it's just all about you and your feelings .

Completely agree with this poster. Look at what this situation has turned you into!! I very much doubt you would have been the type to condone fathers not having anything to do with their children before!
It would be over for me 100%.

The real question is how can you be so forgiving of your pos DH?

It sounds like he didn't want to deal with the hard parts of the first years of parenting so he fucked off and wrote a cheque to compensate. That was perfectly fine with you. Now the child is school age, no dirty nappies, etc., hes decided to be a father now.
What a gem he is!

It's not really about accepting the child but accepting your pos DH.

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell my husband to have a relationship with his other son when he was first born but he was adamant he didn't want to so I respected his decision. After all the years I thought it was something he would never change his mind on.

When the little boy is at our house he isn't treated any different than our own son is. Don't get me wrong I don't hug him but I'll play with him and look after him but there is always at the back of my mind what my husband did.

I have a lot to think about is it really worth being in a marriage when I have these feelings. It's been just over a year and they seem to be getting worse.