Accepting husbands "affair child"

[kandicoateddream]

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

He wants to have a relationship with this son. That's the right thing for that child. And yes, you're treating the child with kindness and that's the right thing to do also. But it seems that you are building up resentment against him at the same time. It's not the child's fault. It's your husband's. If you're going to be angry and resentful of anyone it should be HIM.

He's already proven that he's a cheat since he was cheating when he left you for OW. He's also proven that what he wants comes first and you need not be consulted. Ask yourself just exactly what it is about this man that makes living with him worthwhile. I wouldn't choose to live anywhere where I was building up resentment, it's like poisoning your soul.

You can get over this if you try, and you have already accepted this other child of your Husbands . If your marriage is solid, you need to stop being bothered,or upset about things from the past. Living in harmony is the way to be.

It's all about him isn't it? He has an affair, he leaves, he comes back, he decided he doesn't want his child, he decides he wants his child

Where are you and your son in this ?

Personally I would never have taken him back in the first place, but you have, so you need to take responsibility for that choice. It's not the child's fault. My advice would be to bury feelings you are associating with the child, and just see the son as the innocent, vulnerable child that he is.

I would also be making sure I was financially strong enough to survive on my own, in case my husband behaves in further ways that show such little respect. You may be needing to get out of this relationship in future.

Did they live in ambridge Oldbutstillgotit?

One of my closest friends work friend is raising her husband's child from an affair,after their own children are adults,hats off to her for raising her children's sibling when the birth mother was unfit to but I do think she's a mug for taking husband back too.

I feel you need to leave, or accept the child. It's not the child's fault. Although I'll listen all day long to how hard it is for you because it really must be. But it's not the child's fault and if I was in your shoes I'd respect my husband a lot more for takin responsibility. No matter how hard that was for me.

I'm not saying I'd stay, I probably wouldn't. But if I did... I'd accept the boy

He left his pregnant wife for the ow, impregnated the ow returned to his wife and chose not see his child. He’s not fit for purpose is he.

Script again

Say he doesn't want anything to do with the child so you think he loves you more and you have won.

I have a lot to think about is it really worth being in a marriage when I have these feelings. It's been just over a year and they seem to be getting worse.

This is the crux of it.

Forget the technicalities. Your H was a cheating shit. You got back together and forgave. Now you're changing your mind. FWIW, if it hadn't been his reconnecting with his son, it would, one day, have been something else. He isn't a good man, you know that - in fact to want nothing to do with his child makes him a literal piece of dogshit - you've just got to the point you are no longer able to brush who he is under the carpet.

Leave, you'll never ever be happy.

This isn't about his son - I'm willing to bet that once you are outside of the marriage and feeling you've been played for a fool, you'll probably feel much more positive about your son's half-brother.

Absolutely agree with others here.
He has zero respect for you. Go to counselling on your own or together if you like, but I don’t think it would change anything. He has shown time and time again what he thinks about you, and you are letting him walk all over you.

Leaving a relationship/marriage is not easy especially when there are kids involved but this behaviour is what your child is seeing and believes is acceptable. If you won’t leave for yourself, leave for him. Show him that the way your husband is treating you is not how women should be treated.

I’d dump his ass

I couldn’t stay with any man who abandoned his own child to appease his wife

Thank you @IWantT0BreakFree , I really appreciate that .

I literally felt myself get very , very angry when I was reading the OP because I really felt for the boy in this situation. I do believe everything that I posted but I did post when I was very angry and it's probably not the best idea . Thanks again xx

My ex left me while I was pregnant for OW, so I can vaguely understand why you might have taken him back. (We didn't get back together) one thing I will say is that child will be always connected to your child in some way. I think cutting your losses and starting afresh might be your best bet. Let your ex have both the kids every wknd or whatever so they've quality time together. The affair child will only pick up on your feelings and it's not fair to the child.

I will say time and counselling are great healers OP. Be kind on yourself, getting dumped when you're pregnant is the worst and your so vulnerable for a long time after it. It's taken me 3 years to heal and I'm still not fully there. But cutting off the toxic definitely helped.

I think your DH has not behaved well at all .I dont think you have to "accept" anything you don t want to TBH! You need to really talk about it properly I think .Unless you can accept this situation which is going to be difficult for anyone really, you would need to walk away

It's not the lad's fault & he's not a threat to you.

He sounds very shit OP, why're you with him?

This has got to be incredibly painful OP. I have a reasonably similar background.

I had 2 sons with husband. When my youngest was 4 months and my oldest was 5years my husband told me he had had a one night stand and had a 2 yr old daughter as a result.

That was it for me. I was gone. I was never going to accept his one night stand / affair (who knows!) or want anything to do with his daughter. My sons are too young to know about her. I'll tell them when they are much older.

Everyone has a limit. You just need to work out where yours is. I am 1000 times happier without my ex husband in it and havent regretting leaving him for a minute.

I don't think there's a "right" answer to this.
It's not the boys fault - he's the innocent victim in all of this and I think you just need to try and hold on to that thought. He also ended up choosing to leave the boys mother and come back to you. So I don't know how worried you need to be about her.

Would counselling help you, it's all a big mess

Ltb he is scum

You're not only dealing with the initial betrayal - your husband has betrayed you again. If he had talked with you and involved you in the decision to start seeing the child then you would at least feel as though you've had some control and acceptance of the situation. Once again, you've got to put up with his actions and it is life changing for you and your child.

For your own sake, you need to leave this man. I don't see how you can ever truly forgive him and it will make you bitter, angry and resentful.

I'm so sorry he's put you through so much. Please try and find the strength to leave.

I don't see the point in all the 'I can't believe you got back with him' posts, you did and you are here now.

Tbh I don't think I could accept the child, I'd struggle with the contact with the ow, but more importantly he decided all this and made the arrangement without consulting you! Seems he's still a selfish fucker.

You have put your own feelings above an innocent and defenceless child.

God I so hate comments like this!! Yes it's sad for the child being born into a situation like that but that doesn't mean people can just turn off emotions, nor should they.

OP it reminds me of a situation I was in personally. After dc1 was born I found out there was a child that was possibly my DP's born a few years before we met. Even though it was before he met me I had decided if it was his child I could not continue the relationship. Turned out the child's mother was a troublemaking liar and the child wasn't his but if it was I'd have been off like a shot no matter how much I loved him. Everyone has a line of what they can tolerate and that exceeded mine. And it's absolutely fine is this situation exceeds yours too. Honestly if I was you I'd think about ended your marriage and starting a fresh because if your anything like me it will continue to make you unhappy for years. Don't let his mistakes rob you of enjoying your son's childhood. All the best

Counselling.
It will help you put the past where it is and concentrate on present. Sounds great that the boys get in well. But he is with you. Any relationship with the mother now is purely transactional and logistics re his son. It's good he's taken the responsibility.