Accepting husbands "affair child"

[kandicoateddream]

I was hoping could share if they could accept this situation or if anyone has been through anything similar.

My husband left me January 2013 whilst I was pregnant with our son. I didn't know he actually left me for another woman. Our son was born June 2013 and the month after he told me about the other woman and she was pregnant with his child. Technically we weren't together but still married. I was in shock. He told me he wanted nothing to do with the child. His other son was born February 2014.

We eventually got back together and worked on our marriage, we got to a good place and his other son was rarely brought up. He paid maintenance for day one.

A year ago he announced he wanted a relationship with the child. He didn't consult me and just went ahead and started seeing his other son. He eventually started having him for the weekend once a month at our house. The boys got on brilliantly but every time I see this little boy it brings back everything about his affair. He has brought this woman back into our lives. My anxiety is through the roof when he does pick ups and drop offs.

How can I accept this other boy and get over the affair?

Many thanks

So he didn't communicate with you regarding starting contact with his other son? He has no respect for you. I am guessing your marriage has other issues than this affair and 'love child'

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell my husband to have a relationship with his other son when he was first born but he was adamant he didn't want to so I respected his decision. After all the years I thought it was something he would never change his mind on.

Yes it was his decision but I think people are finding it hard to understand how you could want to be with someone who has behaved so reprehensibly.

Dumped you while pregnant, for OW.

Dumped her, newly a mother, for you.

Rejected his son with her to prioritise his relationship with you.

My vagina would have sealed itself shut at how utterly selfish that excuse for a man is.

How can you lie next to him knowing exactly what kind of a person he is?

but he was adamant he didn't want to so I respected his decision
This is where you went wrong OP.
How could you respect someone who did that to their child?
This is what I'm struggling with TBH.

You have tried for a year now OP.
It's not improving.
I know what I'd do but this is your life.
You need to make some hard and tough decisions here.
But do what is best for YOU right now.
You've dealt with so much already.
You don't have to be a martyr! You really don't.

I can't believe it wasn't discussed before he decided out of the blue to have a relationship with his son (what changed his mind?) and also just bringing him into your home without thinking of your feelings as well. Was it discussed at all about how your son would feel to suddenly have a brother? While it is correct that a relationship between the two of them is a must, the way he went about it was unacceptable.

What on earth is this turd of a man bringing to your life? He sounds horrifically selfish. Why are you parenting his son when he stays? He really is a piece of shit.

Op I could never be happy with a man who abandoned his child. What if you broke up and he abandoned your child in the same way? Doesn't that make you angry on behalf of that boy?

So he cheated on you, abandoned you and your unborn child, then abandoned another child...

But you’re fine spending time with the person who actually did all that, but not a child who isn’t responsible for any of it?....

I try and understand why a woman would stay with her DH after an affair and I can see that it is possible to draw a line under it and move on.

But, a love child. No, just No. I would be sorry for the child and expect my DH to look after them and pay, but I would walk away and have nothing to do with any of it. It's a broken contract, a gross misconduct and instant dismissal. Why should you spend the rest of your life with a daily reminder of his infidelity?

Sorry op you don't have a choice put to accept it if you took him back.

On the other you are the one that has him now and she knows it.

Why the hell are you still with him? Did his bit on the side get fed up with him and he came crawling back to you so he wouldn't have to fend for himself? Where's your self respect?

so I respected his decision.

How can you repay the anythi g about a man who abandons his child?

It wa sa difficult time for you. I know that. But you accepted this because it suited you as well.

On the other you are the one that has him now and she knows it like he's such a prize.

I did tell my husband to have a relationship with his other son when he was first born but he was adamant he didn't want to so I respected his decision.

How could you possibly respect a decision like this? You are a mum, did you not have even a shred of sympathy for that poor child? You wanted to take a man back who cheated on you and abandoned their child, but now he is taking an interest in the child and this is what you have a problem with?

This isn't a man I would be married to. If you go on www.survivinginfidelity.com there's a specific thread for betrayals where an OC (Other child) is the result.

Post in JFO first and you'll get lots of support. Sadly there are women (and a few en) who have dealt with affairs which resulted in a child.

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell my husband to have a relationship with his other son when he was first born but he was adamant he didn't want to so I respected his decision. After all the years I thought it was something he would never change his mind on.
It sounds like you said the right thing but when he said he couldn't be bothered to be a proper parent part of you was relieved that he could make his payments whilst you play happy families and the child stays out the way.
That's what many of us are struggling with. I couldn't respect a man who would abandon his child.

Well . It didn't come across at all in your OP that you encouraged a relationship between him and his child . Quite the opposite , and obviously it suited you because him actually having a relationship with the child is difficult ( not being sarcastic).

I know I have been extremely harsh ( literally exact same situation where my niece is the child , just to say there's a lot of pain in situations like this, in all corners.)

You have a lot of different issues here . My head hurts just thinking about it .

The rejection of you when you were pregnant
The affair
The abandoning of his his other child in all ways but financial
The lack of discussion about restarting his relationship

And that's before you get onto normal day to day stuff of relationships . I would've been long gone .

If you're going to leave , leave before this boy gets too fond of you , if that's okay to mention .

Good luck

The poor little boy, please do not take your insecurity's out on him, you took your husband back knowing what he had done.

My DBIL got another woman pregnant on a one night stand. DSIL was devastated, but stayed with him. He saw his child every weekend at his parents’ house, often with the child’s mother. Child’s mother didn’t want the child to meet his wife or have anything to do with her - it was almost as if she wanted to play happy families with him. She wouldn’t let the child go to his house, and kicked off badly when DSIL was in the car once when DBIL dropped the child home.

As the years have gone by, the child goes to DBIL and DSIL’s house every weekend (he has her from school every Friday pm and takes her to school on Monday). DSIL is very good with the child, she has a fantastic weekend with their dogs and horses. DSIL has been quite pragmatic about the child - her mother didn’t want DSIL to see the child, well that was fine as DSIL didn’t want to see her either! But it has got better over the years, and they have a relationship of sorts. It probably helped that DSIL’s kids are older-one is married with a family and the other is at university.

You need to think whether it's worth having counselling to try and help you deal with this and if you want to save the marriage. Or if it's too much to deal with and move on. Neither answer is right but it comes down to how you feel about it and how you want to proceed.

TBQF OP, this will always be a part of your life, whether you accept it or not.
You will always be reminded of the affair because your child's sibling exists and the OW will always be in your DHs life.
Even if you decide to leave the marriage, your DS will likely have an ongoing relationship with his sibling and potentially the OW too.
What happened happened. That can't be changed. You can accept it, I'd imagine with a canny lot of counselling, or you can not accept it, but don't think that that will make it go away.

Your DH sounds like an arsehole though. I understand you are hurt he didn't discuss this with you first but, I mean, has he ever shown you respect or respected your feelings? It doesn't sound like it, since he was shagging someone else while you were pregnant...

This is a dreadful thing to say and I know full well what it's like to be cheated on but you're going to need to get your head round the fact that this other son is more important than you. Your husband has clearly demonstrated that by his actions.

@FaceOfASpink I don't think this is right as such. It's fair enough that he wants to see his son once a month.

It's not meaning he's choosing his son over his wife as such. It's not really a situation where we can expect him to choose never to see his son ever again- that is a human being and it's good that he hasn't been completely rejected by his father for any longer than he was.

@kandicoateddream Could you wait in the car or something for the pick ups or drop offs, so you know he's just running in rather than spending any time with his ex?

This must be so hard for you. But I think the only way forward is to demystify this boys mum. Ask her out for coffee. Get to know her. If she is open to this I think that would be a postive step - if she is harbouring feelings for your husband or anger at you (remembering he left her for you so she might be angry at you) then she might not want coffee. But considering you are with her child I would hope she is open to seeing you.

Think about this . How would you feel if something happened to the little boy’s Mum and he moved in with you full time ? Asking as I know someone this happened to.

OP, your DH sounds awful.

Leaving you when you were pregnant, not being a father to his second son.

Then, to not even discuss the introduction of his son into your lives?

He does not give a shiny shit about you, sorry.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10 I totally agree with you. I don't think you're being overly harsh at all.

As a mother I just can't get my head around any woman with a child of her own being willing to have a relationship with a man who has abandoned his own baby. Deadbeat arsehole sperm donors make my skin crawl.

Those poor boys. They both deserve for their father, who is alive and well, to be involved in their lives in a meaningful way. They both deserve the chance to be brothers to each other.