24 year old nephew does not communicate

[LOVELYDOVEY05]

It is always me that has to phone and mostly I do not get a reply. We
live nearby but it is always me who goes there to help with shopping etc I look after their dog sometimes for a week or so but was told by him that it could have gone in the kennels.He mostly ignores me when I go there or goes upstairs but I only go there to help out
In fact any communication between us is via a third party usually his mother.
she tells me it is quite normal for youngsters not to bother with their
older relatives . I have stopped going there at Xmas etc and giving presents as I find it too exhausting. Also reducing phone calls to very limit.
Is this normal that one has to make all the effort all the time?

[topcat2014]

Surely Facebook is built for this exact purpose?

[Mnthrowaway20202]

I find the OP hilarious, I’m a bit younger than your nephew and have absolutely no relationship with my aunts/uncles - nor do I want one. Some of them I couldn’t even tell you their names!

I don’t think he wants a close relationship with you, which is normal. I know that might be hurtful for you, but just like any other relationship if the other party doesn’t feel the same and it’s one-sided on your behalf, just let it go and put your energy into people that actually care about you.

Family doesn’t mean that you have to be close, or that they have to spend time with you.

[honeylulu]

It sounds pretty normal.

But why are you doing shopping/looking after the dog/helping out in the house if he's there? Why isn't he doing it?

[lockdownalli]

Is he disabled? Why does he need you to "help out?"

Apologies if this is insensitive, but do you have children of your own?

[AJPTaylor]

Sounds normal to me.
Close to various nephews when they were kids. Hardly see them as adults.

[Whenwillthisbeover]

How bizarre OP, i have five nephews and two nieces ranging from 22 to 11, not a single one do i contact directly nor does a single one contact me. None of the cousins have any closer a relationship than FB friends. We send presents to the younger ones and cards to all of them, and speak to them at family gatherings but that’s it.

Are you childless with a single nephew?

[MrsAJ27]

Your nephew is rude and his mother is condoning his behaviour! I find it very strange that people think this is normal!

[CatkinToadflax]

Literally a couple of days before my wedding, a guest dropped out because “she’d just noticed it was her nephew’s birthday tea party on that day”. How old was the nephew? Nineteen. Maybe just tell me you don’t want to come to my wedding, or don’t accept the invitation in the first place, rather than coming up with such an unlikely excuse?!

I am quite close to my aunt, but my cousin (her daughter) only really communicates with my mum and me through my aunt. And that’s fine. I think it’s quite unusual to be in frequent contact with your aunts and uncles once you’re an adult. Nice, yes, but not that common.

[okiedokieme]

I'm not sure I've ever called my aunts and uncles unless on a specific matter eg I lived near one uncle (overseas) and they helped me out as dd has sn and I needed a sitter (no paid sitter would do it!)

[backseatcookers]

You seem to be trying to force a closeness that isn’t there.

This.

There's no hard and fast rule about how much contact an auntie and nephew have, so it doesn't really matter what level of contact other people have.

He's 24 - an adult - and he doesn't feel close to you, you shouldn't force it and even reading your OP made me feel a bit stifled and claustrophobic.

I think he's made it clear the level of contact and closeness of relationship you expect, and are quite aggressively pursuing, isn't a level he's comfortable with.

Let go of the anger you have about this and focus on other people in your life.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Thinking about it, my mum used to complain that she never got 'thank you' letters from young relatives - they would phone and say thank you but they didn't make the 'appropriate' effort as dictated by my mother's generational conventions.

So is this a generational difference?

[bumblingbovine49]

I am close to my nephew and niece (in their mid/late 20s) because their mother (my sister) died when they were 6 and 4. Their dad then died when they were 16 and 18 so my other sister and I have played a much bigger part in their lives than we might have otherwise but I don't expect them to call me and don't spend a lot of time calling them., especially my nephew as he rarely speaks on the phone either.
We do still see each other a quite lot though (several times a year) even given that my niece lives abroad.

[AnnaMagnani]

He's 24 and he doesn't want to have the relationship with you that you want to have with him.

It might change later on and it might not. But at the moment, he isn't especially interested in chatting to you about his life and would prefer his dog went in kennels.

He's just too polite to tell his aunt that she's bothering him.

[AriadnesFilament]

Did they want you to have the dog, or did you elbow your way in and insist?
Do they want help with shopping or do you force it on them?

It rather sounds to me like you’re driving him up the wall to be honest and can’t read cues that your version of help could be read as intrusive and overbearing.

[ShirleyB25]

The OP hasn't come back - once.

I guess we'll never know ...

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

You have ridiculous expectations. I didnt ever ring my aunts or uncles at that age because we had nothing to talk about! They were much older than me, lived far away and they didnt even speak to my parents that much so why on earth would I be ringing them?

Hs behaviour is normal. I think you need to look to other people in your life to give you friendship and not expect it from a young lad.

[Jux]

I have no expectation that the younger generations of my family will have any interest in me, speaking to me, or even know who I am; I am utterly delighted that they do, though!

I would have thought that the things you are doing are not for your nephew but for his parents, surely? Why would you expect him to be interested in you at all?

[iklboo]

We see our nephew about twice a year and he only lives a ten minute drive away.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Families just don't seem to have the same sense of togetherness any more. So many PP think it strange that OP wants to communicate with her nephew

Because it IS strange. A 24 year old bloke wouldnt purposely go out and forge a friendship with a 60+ year old woman would he? because they'd have literally nothing in common - so why should he be forced to do this now just because she is his aunt?
At age 24 I wanted to be with my friends- its perfectly normal and natural to want to hang out with people your own age. Or maybe he just doesnt like her? That happens, just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you are automatically going to get on with each other lol

[Fairenuff]

Ironic how OP starts a thread about being ignored and proceeds to ignore everyone who posts on it

[Vandree]

I would have been very close to one or two aunts growing up. They would have babysat me or I would have stayed with them while my parents were on holidays and my cousins came to us. Once I hit my 20's that took a back seat and I only saw them at weddings or christmas. As an adult with kids now I see them through my mam only other than one who lives near me and her children are similar age to mine. But I also have 23 aunts, there is no way I would be interested in taking calls from all of them. As your nephew is growing up your relationship changes, he is gently telling you that and its ok. I have 2 16 year old nephews, I might get a whattsapp off them if I send some birthday money but thats as far as it goes, very different from when they were really little and would come stay.

[CorianderLord]

Well, yes, I think I contact my aunts and uncles maybe twice a year....

I'm 25 and I try to contact my parents and siblings and friends. Throw in all the aunts/uncles/ cousins and I'd never be off the phone.

Plus, we're just not close. I don't know anyone who is close with their aunts and uncles....

[Fedup21]

You sound very needy! You are expecting a level of contact he clearly doesn’t want or need.

[FlamingoAndJohn]

I talk fairly frequently with my nephew but he is 33 and I’m 45.

I don’t recall the last time I spoke to any of my aunts or uncles outside of Christmas cards.

[LOVELYDOVEY05]

Thanks so much for your fantastic replies. So kind of you. Yes HoppingPavlova he has a serious medical condition and they bought a dog (him and Mother) knowing this and knowing he would be miles away at Uni. While he was in and out of hospital with Mum visiting and then travelling elsewhere monthly to see Consultants I had to look after this dog I did not even know . It was literally dumped on me
I was able to work p/time but his Mum is younger and needed to keep her job so I helped them both. The taunt about the kennels was very nasty I think.
I would quite understand a 24 year old wanting to spend most of their time with people of their own age and finding the conversation of older people boring . But what if I had said "Put the dog down I am
too busy with my own life ?" "Put that little puppy in the kennels Is that needy ?
Worst of all the dog was bought via neighbours who never walk their
dogs and speak down to me. I no longer look after the dog and next time there is a medical emergency they can go to their lovely
neighbours. Sad