24 year old nephew does not communicate

[LOVELYDOVEY05]

It is always me that has to phone and mostly I do not get a reply. We
live nearby but it is always me who goes there to help with shopping etc I look after their dog sometimes for a week or so but was told by him that it could have gone in the kennels.He mostly ignores me when I go there or goes upstairs but I only go there to help out
In fact any communication between us is via a third party usually his mother.
she tells me it is quite normal for youngsters not to bother with their
older relatives . I have stopped going there at Xmas etc and giving presents as I find it too exhausting. Also reducing phone calls to very limit.
Is this normal that one has to make all the effort all the time?

[PepeSkunk]

Hen you say ‘phone’ do you mean talk on the phone? If so this might be part of the issue as the youth of today don’t really talk on phones. They text or video chat.

[Quarantimespringclean]

You seem to be trying to force a closeness that isn’t there. The level of contact with him seems normal to me. I am very, very fond of my three nieces in their mid twenties. They are lovely young women. They are close to my DC and the cousins all socialise regularly (pre-lockdown). We might communicate occasionally to arrange dates or organise something for my PIL/their grandparents and I enjoy catching up with them at family parties and at Christmas. Beyond that it wouldn’t occur to me to telephone them for a chat or even text them regularly. Any news is passed on through my children or their mum.

There are instances where aunt/uncle relationships are very close - I am much closer to my (same age as me) uncle than I am to my my siblings but if that hasn’t happened naturally by now I think you must accept it isn’t there for you two.

[HoppingPavlova]

It’s very simple. He feels your interaction is too much at this life stage. It’s very normal. It’s not normal to have the sort of relationship you seem to think is normal. He is definitely telling you this by his preference of having the dog put in a kennel rather than you do I g around. Although I’m very confused why he would even be there if you were coming around to look after the dog rather than it being in a kennel, surely he would look after it when he is home. Also don’t understand about the food/shopping unless he is significantly disabled, which would explain about the dog I guess?

[MindyStClaire]

I get on well with my aunts when I see them (rare as I moved away), but I don't think I even have their phone numbers, never mind call them regularly. I think most of my friends (mid 30s) would be the same, and the exceptions would be women who aren't close to their mothers and get along better with one particular aunt.

[Ginfordinner]

I rarely communicate with my nehews and nieces - mainly Christmas and birthday. We don't live near either family. We tend to message very occasionally on Facebook. They are lovely company when we see them, and get on really well, but I think you have unrealistic expectations regarding constant communication with your nephew.

Most 24 year olds are more interested in their friends than their families.

[LadyFeliciaMontague]

Yep normal.
I only ever see my adult nephew if he is at my sisters when I am visiting her. Never communicate on the phone or anything.

Haven’t seen my own aunts/uncles for years. We send cards at Christmas but I don’t have their numbers & they don’t have mine.

DH had an aunt that used to phone weekly -thankfully too far away and became too old to travel far - it got to the point we stopped answering the phone. Don’t get me wrong he did still speak to her regularly -because he felt it was his duty -but it got tiresome to pick up the phone and it always be his aunt.

[Igtg]

I think it’s a very strange set up to be ringing him and expecting more from him. Are you shopping for him or the family?

[Coughsyrupsucks]

I have nieces and nephews through my husbands side of the family, all in their 20s now and neither of us have ever really spoken to the outside their parents bar a couple of Happy Christmas Facebook messages. With my own Aunts and Uncles, there was only one I’d phone and that was in my late 30s. I don’t think it’s particularly unusual for the relationship to be very casual. Were you particularly close when he was young?

[museumum]

I only started seeing my aunts and uncles independently of my parents in my mid 20s and only if they were passing through the city I lived in or vice versa.
Even now I’m in fb contact with my one living aunt but only see her if work takes me to her city.

[Hadjab]

I think this a cultural thing. For most ethnic minorities, you are sometimes as close to your aunts and uncles as your mum and dad. My maternal grandfather was one of seven brothers - my mum is extremely close to all of her first cousins, as are we with their kids. We are split between England and the USA. Those that are here come round for Christmas every year at mine, and we have regular meet-ups throughout the year. Those that are in the USA try and visit every couple of years or we go there, in between there are weekly phone and Skype calls - it’s great!

[RingaRosie]

Sounds normal for a 24 year old living their own life. I remember one of my aunties complaining that Nephew A hadn’t written to / called her since moving to London.
Thing is I moved to London at that age & may as well have been on another planet to my relatives. And, she moved to London at that age, in the 70s. Can’t imagine she wrote to her aunties back in rural Ireland...

[sauvignonblancplz]

I think we need more information .

[midnightstar66]

I dont have any communication with my aunts or uncles bar an occasional Facebook exchange. We love meet up at family get together and chat but I'd spend more time chatting with my cousins. Likewise my nephews, they'd find it odd if I started calling round to see them and to do their shopping (unless they were shielding for example and had asked, in which case I'm sure they'd say thank you.) he probably finds it a bit over bearing unless there is a back story

[Melminiani]

My siblings and I have been very close to our aunts and uncles throughout our lives and have found them to be fantastic and supportive relationships.

Because of this, and because we are close to each other, we have ensured that we are close aunts and uncles to each other’s children. I don’t have children myself, but have several nieces and nephews across a wide age range, and I love the relationship I have with them all, and I see this also in the relationships my siblings and their other halves have with each other’s children. So close ties in aunt and uncle/niece and nephew relationships isn’t unusual in my experience.

So depending on what your relationship has been like with your nephew up until this point -were you very close when he was young, did you used to do a lot of things with him etc - you will be able to know if his behaviour towards you has changed, or if he is showing a more usual amount of distance...

[Beautiful3]

I'm not close to my aunts. So find this a bit strange. If he's already told you that he would use kennels, then let him. If he ignores you when you visit then he finds you too much. I would leave him alone. He knows where you are if he wants you.

[Thisbastardcomputer]

I don't communicate with my nephews and nieces, only one niece that I'm particularly close to, the rest wouldn't piss on me, if I was on fire.

[midnightstar66]

To add I was very close, especially to my oldest nephew when he was growing up. I moved abroad so didn't know my youngest nephew quite so well but lived next door to them for a long time, babysat eldest a lot and took him on days out. He's all grown up now though and doesn't want a 40 year old coming and having about his student flat. My other nieces and nephews are still young and we saw them every other weekend prior to lockdown. them and my dc are very close but I imagine once they are in their 20's it will be them popping round to see each other not me

[sixswans]

I'm a bit surprised how many people have no contact with their aunts/uncles. I have two nephews and they regularly come and stay with me, one at a time, without their parents so we can hang out and do fun things together. I think it's healthy for children to have other adults in their lives aside from their parents.

[LellyMcKelly]

I’m Facebook friends with one of my aunts, my niece and a few of my cousins. We occasionally like each other’s stuff or share a family ‘in joke’, but we don’t really see each other or anything like that except for funerals and weddings. I chat with my sister and mum on Facetime a lot but that’s about it.

[rayoflightboy]

@LOVELYDOVEY05 Just leave him be.He doesnt want the level of contact that you want.Let the dogs go to Kennels,let him get his own shopping.

Stop ringing him,like what could you have possibly have in common with your 24 year old nephew.

[MrsElf]

I’m amazed at all the posters who don’t have much to do with their aunts and uncles. Despite growing up a half a days drive from our parents’ families, we always visited several times a year and spoke most weeks on the phone. As an adult, I’ve visited and stayed with my aunts and uncles more than my other friends (although that might be a distance thing). I probably saw more of my aunts and uncles than my brother, after I left home! (Now DB has a family, I see more of him again - although he’d be working or out with his mates when I was back at home when he was a teenager/20s, he makes a big thing of AuntyElf’s visits for my nieces, so it’s hopefully going to carry on a generation!)
I know DB’s wife sees at least one of her aunts nearly as much as her mum, she looks after my nieces occasionally, and DB and SIL have always done a lot of dog sitting for her.
Mum n dad had my cousin staying with them for about 4-6 months when she got a new job in the area, and wanted a bit of time to settle and look around before she committed to renting/buying a house. She stayed in the area for about 3 years, and saw loads of mum and dad for the duration - they’d have a Sunday lunch together regularly etc.
DH is close to several of his aunts and uncles, although as they’re mostly older we see less of them, as they’re scattered and some have sadly reached the age where they don’t travel. He’s not a great man for phoning people ‘just for a chat’, but his sisters text and call him, and invite us to loads of family outings meals etc, and he’s close to lots of his nephews and neices. Some more than others, but there are A LOT of them! If we’re not at my parents we usually visit his nearest aunt on Christmas morning, and then go on to his sibling’s house and see a sea of the neices, nephews and greats.
Until lockdown, Colleague #1 (40s) popped in to both his aunt and his uncle most weeks, for coffee and a chat, and does their gardens. Colleague #2 (early 30s) visits his family about once a fortnight now he has little nephews to babysit on a weekend night, or get pissed with his BIL and take to soft play/his mum’s/the zoo on a Sunday. Colleague #3 (20s) sees aunt n uncle at his mum’s regularly.
My neighbour has her nephew round several times a week in his huge white van which he leaves on the pavement outside our house
Erm, that’s a bit of an essay, sorry! It wasn’t meant to make you feel bad, just give a counterpoint to the previous posters.
I sometimes wonder if Mumsnet has a higher proportion of people who don’t have close families and friends than the general population, and so look online for advice and virtual company?
Back to the point: 24 year old men can be blasé about family connections. DB certainly was. He’d be delighted I was home from uni, but literally have one foot out the door as he was off to Sam’s party. Hopefully this well improve as he gets older, but if you’re in HIS house and he’s hiding upstairs leaving you alone, that’s odd. If it’s his mum’s house and he thinks you’re there to see mum, I’d say totally normal. In that case he probably thinks he’s giving you some space, not being rude! If mum’s attitude is that this is normal, she’s probably not going to push it with him, and huffing about it will probably make it worse, especially if she reports back. Best go the other way, and be sure to say how nice it is to chat to him, to both of them, when you next DO get two sentences from him!

[PepeSkunk]

He's 24 though @sixswans. He's not a child who has sleepovers. That stage of life ends and a new one starts.

[BananaChocolateLump]

Leave him be! He isn't obligated to have a relationship with you.

[Typohere]

I have a multitude of neices and nephews and used to see them more when they were younger. Now most are adults and so rarely see them since live in different parts of the country. The ones that live close to me have their own lives and I wouldn't force myself on them. So IMO I don't think it is unusual for an adult nephew to not see you much/make an effort to stop and chat UNLESS he is living alone and you are running around for him? I assume he lives with your brother/sister still?

[rayoflightboy]

@MrsElf thats your choice to go and stay with aunts/uncles.

Op we need to know whether you are going to his house of his mums.To me that would make a difference.