24 year old nephew does not communicate

[LOVELYDOVEY05]

It is always me that has to phone and mostly I do not get a reply. We
live nearby but it is always me who goes there to help with shopping etc I look after their dog sometimes for a week or so but was told by him that it could have gone in the kennels.He mostly ignores me when I go there or goes upstairs but I only go there to help out
In fact any communication between us is via a third party usually his mother.
she tells me it is quite normal for youngsters not to bother with their
older relatives . I have stopped going there at Xmas etc and giving presents as I find it too exhausting. Also reducing phone calls to very limit.
Is this normal that one has to make all the effort all the time?

[TheTroutofNoCraic]

My 20 year old nephew moved from his hometown in Ireland to the city beside me for uni. I brought his TV to England when I had driven home in the summer. I haven't heard a peep from him since then...a lad that age would generally rather go without a tv that have to interact with their aunties.

I think you are being a tad OTT

[SnuggyBuggy]

I just think it's how it is these days. People don't feel close bonds with extended family by virtue of them being related and most young people prefer the company of their peers.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I didn't have a close relationship with any of my aunts or uncles as they all lived quite distantly, I have certainly never phoned one for a chat. Your post reminds me a bit of my sister who complained when my daughter, 5 days after giving birth, didn't spend enough time talking to her at my daughter's 2 year old's birthday party.

[MintyMabel]

You stopped buying presents and going at Christmas because your adult nephew won’t talk to you?

Jesus. You sound like hard work, no wonder he keeps out of your way.

I’ve a dozen aunts and uncles, I haven’t spoken to them for years. My nephew is early 20s. We’re close but I wouldn’t expect him to keep in touch or make a point of coming through to see me when I’m at my sisters. How weird.

[midnightstar66]

@sixswans I did all that too but my 21 year old nephew living the student life no longer wants to come for a sleepover funnily enough

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He's a 24 year old bloke. If you are older than about 30, then, unless you helped raise him, you are just an older person he happens to be related to. Hell, when my own SONS were around that age they rarely phoned me unless they wanted something!

I've got two nieces and two nephews. We get on like a house on fire when we meet (about once a year), but all communication is through Facebook. I don't think I've ever spoken to any of them on the phone. I just ask my DB how they are doing.

[Bunnybigears]

Why do you keep going to his house?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Why are you going to his house? Who is inviting you?

[stellabelle]

I have six nephews and nieces - all adults. I haven't seen any of them for years, apart from a couple of family weddings. It's nice to see them and catch up, but none of us expects it to be anything more than that. I'd say, back off ! Your nephew is trying to tell you that , but you haven't been listening !

[Bleepbloopblarp]

I’ve never phoned my nephews. When I visit they sometimes come and say hello, sometimes not if they’re sleeping or with their gf’s. I do find it a bit rude, but it’s normal.

[Chochito]

Where is the op?

[Eckhart]

Why is it bothering you so much?

[lottiegarbanzo]

Also, what's so exhausting about giving Christmas presents? Spending Christmas with family? You haven't said. You seem to expect us to understand you via telepathy.

[Lovemusic33]

I don’t speak to my aunts and uncles on the phone, I see them a couple times a year if they are visiting my grandmother. I think it’s pretty normal and your expecting too much.

[Bouledeneige]

No I do think its unusual to be so close to nieces and nephews (I have 4). I am very fond of two of mine in particular and I'd say we're close but I only see my nephew about 3 times a year and my niece 5 times a year - though we text from time to time. It was more before she had a serious boyfriend. I'd say I'm closer with them than I am with my sisters who are all a bit old fashioned (and Daily Mail). If we have a family party we definitely gravitate towards each other and my kids feel close with them too. But I'd not turn up announced or think I had to see them all the time. I'm busy and so are they. And men tend to be less close than women.

I hate to bring this up MRSELF but you raised the issue of Mumsnet posters seeming less close to family than the norm. But I tend to think the differences may be explained more by class. It seems to me that more working class families are more tightly knit with parents, siblings and other family and see each other very regularly. They are less likely to live at distance. Middle class families tend to be more arms length, more likely to live at distance and to be as close or closer to friends than family. There are different notions about independence and family. Don't kill me! And yes there are always exceptions and lots of them.

[mathanxiety]

Whatnow?

[Bananasplitlady]

I'm not sure why you are "exhausted" by this unreciprocated effort, sounds quite dramatic. Not wishing to be rude, but are you a lot older? I do find older people to be quite set in their ways regarding expectations of interaction. Do you have much in common with a 24 year old young man that can sustain endless conversation?

[saraclara]

I only see my niece and nephew when there's a whole family get together. I like them, they seem to like me. But that's it.

It sounds as though you pretty much begged to have their dog, rather than them asking you to.
Why are you doing shopping for them? Because they asked you to, or because you took it on yourself?

Unless you were exceptionally close before and have cause to wonder if you've done something wrong, and in the absence of non-western cultural expectations, I think you just need to accept that this is normal. Nieces and nephews tend not to be enmeshed in their aunts' lives.

[AfterSchoolWorry]

Very normal.

I'm a little puzzled that you expect differently?

[Lauren83]

Like many others my family don't have close niece/nephew - Aunt/Uncle relationships once's they are older. I send my aunty and uncle cards at Xmas and birthday and we exchange a few messages a year but that's it

[DollyDaydream70]

This is a very strange post. I very rarely contact my Nieces and Nephews. If I do, it is to wish them a happy birthday or to congratulate them on passing an exam or something. I certainly don't get my knickers in a twist if they don't communicate with me.. is there a back story here? Did you have a close relationship but recently it's soured? I'm confused as to why you would expect your Nephew to be in constant contact with you, it's not really the norm to be honest.

[SummerDayWinterEvenings]

Leave him alone. Maybe he doesn't like you.

[Spidey66]

I'll send birthday cards to my nieces and nephews, and a present or money until they're 21, after which they just get a card. I never see them independently of my siblings. I dont ring them, i might post messages on social media though.I get on well with them but don't have the level of closeness you seem to want.

I have lots of aunt's and uncles. Some I haven't seen for years, some I catch up with only at family occasions. Even the ones I'm closest to I see only about 2-3 times a year. My parents are both dead, I would have had more contact via my parents if they were still alive.

I think your expectations are too high. He's a young lad who wants to hang out with his mates, not his old aunty!

[TheBouquets]

Families just don't seem to have the same sense of togetherness any more. So many PP think it strange that OP wants to communicate with her nephew. I cant see what is strange about communicating with any relative. This seems to be normal now and a further indication that families are no longer in touch.
My personal view is that this is a loss and a breakdown of families who until very recently were important supports to each other.

[GabsAlot]

my niece and nephew are the only family ive got but even now a teen my nephew doesnt converse much its the way it is-i think especially so with males and aunties

youve got to let it go