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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

991 replies

JeSuisPrest · 06/06/2020 18:53

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
crazycatlady20 · 26/06/2020 13:48

@notcoolmum your words re relationship u feel u could have not did have are spot on.

@menora where do u find these honest, polite, caring men that get invested in you? Asking for a friend 🙂.

Tbh I've probably found some, but they are like that before we've even met and it puts me off.

Onesmallstep67 · 26/06/2020 13:50

thank you @Notcoolmum, I really do value other people's objective advice and their sharing of experiences, sometimes learnt the hard way, as in your case. This guy, renamed Mr Wanker ( literally )will not be an ongoing issue. It is regarding Mr Cocky where I should wise up emotionally. I am definitely a fall back girl there.
Hoping that I see Mr Van this weekend. But if not I am going to take a breather from too much plate spinning and focus on myself for a few days

Notcoolmum · 26/06/2020 13:51

@bangheadhere40 yes I think they do know. It's a well worn strategy.

When you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't do that the difference is so noticeable.

Notcoolmum · 26/06/2020 13:58

It was Mr Cocky I was thinking of when I asked if you accept poor behaviour @Onesmallstep67 from what you've said here it sounds like he has served his purpose in your life and it's time to let him go. Not easy I know.

Menora · 26/06/2020 14:36

@crazycatlady20

Trust me the last 2 were not polite and nice!
They got very over invested but in a bad way. First one was controlling and demanding the second was also terrible with my boundaries and hot and cold game player

I was out of my usual comfort zone with Mr Return I had to let the attraction and connection grow - it wasn’t very sexual and was more friendship based since April and it’s only just gone to the next level. So I did things differently this time I think and based it off someone’s personality rather than anything else at all. Gamble though as he could have kissed me and I could have had the massive ICK!

Lovemusic33 · 26/06/2020 15:50

I’m meant to be meeting up with Mr Snake later today but his texting style has changed a little, he was pretty full on before but now seems to vanish mid conversation, this happened last night, was exchanging texts and he suddenly vanished for an hour (I went to sleep and assumed he fell asleep), he then sent a random message a hour or so later asking if I was still awake. I’m meant to be meeting him in a couple hours and he’s vanished mid conversation again, we haven’t confirmed where we are meeting or an exact time 🤔. I know I told him to back off a little but seems a bit rude to vanish when we are in the middle of talking about something. My last message is showing 2 grey ticks in whatsapp so his phone is obviously switched on? Maybe I’m just over thinking it? Not really too bothered just slightly annoyed.

Ant330 · 26/06/2020 16:09

Will we stay friends? Not sure atm, she was annoyed last night accusing me of being unreasonable.
I'll leave it a couple of days and then message her just saying I don't want things to end on an argument, we've had some good times and should be able to be friendly.

Ant330 · 26/06/2020 16:36

@Onesmallstep67 glad to hear you won't be speaking with MrWanker again 👍 He must have a bloody big mast (didn't want to say pole 🤣) to accommodate all those red flags he needs to be flying, wow! 🙄
@Lovemusic33 maybe he just needs some pointers on what you meant by back off a little, it perhaps doesn't come naturally to him so appears awkward/rude when he does 😉

Lovemusic33 · 26/06/2020 16:41

Ant maybe, he has messaged now saying he went to see his son, just find it odd that he just stops texting mid conversation without saying “sorry, got to pop out” though he wants to know what I’m doing all the time 🤔. I’m meeting with him in a bit but not sure how it will go, I’m grumpy with hormones and I’m not really feeling it today.

Onesmallstep67 · 26/06/2020 16:56

@Ant330, thank you for the support. His ' pole' was out of shot but he still managed to wave something in my face, said red flags !
And I am sorry to hear that things have finally (?) come to an end with Miss H. Have you been actively looking for anyone else? I can't recall you posting about anyone else.

Onesmallstep67 · 26/06/2020 17:00

In the words of Bonnie Tyler " where have all the good men gone ? " Hmm

Ant330 · 26/06/2020 19:54

@Onesmallstep67 no I haven't been on the apps since around Aug last year, and feeling a bit uurrgghhh about starting all over again.
Nothing to do with MissB, I feel absolutely fine and slightly relieved it's finally over tbh, but think it might be a while before I try again. Maybe after the weekend 🤣

CheesecakeAddict · 26/06/2020 20:20

Hey, I'm sneaking back in after my tiny hiatus (was it like a week 😂). I've decided FWB are not for me, but I'm not really actively looking either. Zero pressure, let's see what happens.

I am chatting to someone who is a potential iron and she wants to meet up, but I'm a bit nervous, given this will be my first queer date in 11 years. And the first one wasn't really a date, it was a night out in a club 🙈. I'm feeling a bit fat after this lockdown and I need to get back into shape before I see anyone really!!

Msyoganidra32 · 26/06/2020 21:38

Been reading all the posts and am intrigued how people actually get dates set up.
Have tried POF and tinder and nothing but weirdos , sex pests and time wasters.
Can anyone recommend any other sites that are a bit better ?

HairyArsedMan · 26/06/2020 23:56

@Msyoganidra32 Possibly Bumble ? But that is not well liked as the woman must message first on matching and then can be left dangling by the bloke (but only for 24 hrs) Match.com allows you to search and screen messages. That might be a better alternative to PoF as you can only message if you have subscribed so that might cut down on some of the time wasters.

prowlingbrooms · 27/06/2020 00:21

Went on date with a guy and had Odd warning bells so Gave him super nice rejection email (lovely to met you but didn’t feel etc etc) and he wrote back (at length) that I was a c@@@ and hadn’t I learned ‘baby’ that it wasn’t all about what I wanted (???? Isn’t going on a date to see if you like someone precisely about finding that out).
We are both in our late forties ie adults

Ant330 · 27/06/2020 00:29

@prowlingbrooms sounds like your instincts were absolutely spot on, but not nice to receive something like that. Some people cleqrly just don't take rejection very well even when it's after just one date 🙄
@Msyoganidra32 I've seen a few mentions for Hinge on here recently as well, so that's perhaps worth a try.

cravingthelook · 27/06/2020 01:29

@prowlingbrooms yes your gut knew, unfortunately Ive encounters that type.

@CheesecakeAddict - hi! I know what you mean I haven't had a queer date in 15+ years Ms Jam was a friend first so it isn't the same. I tho k I'd be nervous too.

Well I guess I'm going to need to names my serial returner, oh he's all kinda of messed up and it's so like me to try fix the broken. We talked a lot. The physical wasn't the same but we got a new level tonight, he confided a lot in me, he's got a lot to work through, he said he never feels like he does with me with anyone else. He can be himself and he knows I will never judge and just talk.
I think we are essentially becoming close friends ... there may be benefits but I see that tailing off.

Bunkbedpeople · 27/06/2020 09:26

Does anyone know what the seedling 🌱 emoji means on someone’s profile?

Bunkbedpeople · 27/06/2020 09:28

(I was thinking it’s “grass” of a different kind - like 420 - but don’t know)

cravingthelook · 27/06/2020 09:39

And another returner has arrived, must be the week for it.

I don't feel bad about this one, he was at early stages of meeting with me and another iron, he decided to try make a go of it with her, and that's ok, he told me a few months ago it hadn't worked out, but he wasn't over it. We've chatted a few times.

He's contacted me for a chat, we get along great so will probably meet him later and see how he's doing.

Windmillwhirl · 27/06/2020 09:46

In the words of Bonnie Tyler " where have all the good men gone ? "

I used to say the same. I just repeated to myself "You only have to find one".

prowlingbrooms Good grief what an abhorrent person he is. Imagine being that sensitive to rejection. Likely it has happened to him many times, which is hardly surprising. Onwards and upwards.

Msyoganidra32 · 27/06/2020 09:59

@HairyArsedMan thanks I have tried Bumble before and it was ok . Ended up on a date with one person but it didn’t go anywhere he was a bit strange .
@Ant330 I joined that one last night out of curiosity. Didn’t realise you only get so many
likes then you have to pay .
Have heard people meant partners on match I guess it’s how serious you are and whether you want to start paying.
Personally I think you get the same saddos on them all whether you pay or not Grin

Notcoolmum · 27/06/2020 10:19

@Msyoganidra32 I've met all my dates on tinder. I'm a very prudent swiped though. And unmatch at the slightest irritation. I also wait to be contacted as I strongly believe men do their sifting one matches and not at the initial swipe. I know not all men @HairyArsedMan !!

JeSuisPrest · 27/06/2020 10:24

@cravingthelook This is the way is should be with OLD. Being honest if you're a bit further along the track with one iron and letting a new one down gently. I'd have no issue with chatting to him again. It's the ones that just ghost or breadcrumb to end it that get on my nerves.

Grab a coffee, this is going to be long...

TLDR: I have a boyfriend.

So. I have news. I've been a bit reluctant to post, because it's early days but after ending things with MrC after a year at the end of April, I got back on the horse quite quickly with MrPlumber (the iron who I ditched for MrC last year). We'd always stayed in contact as friends, but with a definite sexual undercurrent. We had a few "liasons" but I was still swiping because whilst he might be an epic shag, he's not for me and I'm not for him. We were both cool with that and it really did help mend my heartache.

Start of May I get chatting to a lovely guy, whilst still making use of the services of MrPlumber, however after a few days we stop chatting over something that wasn't a massive deal (smoking). I said sorry, not for me, he said fine and we ended things. His job is something I need doing in my house so he says, look, when you need that thing doing, let me know, I'll give you a quote, I don't want you getting ripped off by some cowboy. All good, no hard feelings. A month later I message him. He comes round to price up the job. OMG we were both blown away, but nothing gets said. He comes around again to drop off the materials, minor flirting ensues. He starts the job the next week. He tries to be very professional for 3 days. I do not make it easy for him. 🙈 Some quite frankly outrageous flirting on my part, but also lots of lovely long conversations about life in general and getting to know each other - all still strictly above board, but very obvious we fancy each other like mad. He fell off his ladder when I walked into the room one day. He says it was the most mortifying moment if his life, he literally fell for me.

He goes to leave on the last day. I'm stood on my doorstep and he asks if he can kiss me? Of course I say yes, and that was that. I'll call him MrS. We are exclusive (we had the chat immediately). He tells me that he is mad about me and absolutely smitten. I feel exactly the same but I tell him its lust. He says it's more. He doesn't care whether we have sex when we see each other, he just wants to spend time with me whenever we can, even just a quick coffee when we have an hour childfree time, because apparently he thinks I'm the most amazing woman he's ever met (and who am into disagree?).

After my year of trying to get blood out of a stone with MrC who I loved very much, however he "loved me, but wasn't in love with me" 🔪♥️, I'll take that and run with it. For the record he actually smokes about 4 fags a day, and I've never seen him smoke yet 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts: