Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Onesmallstep67 you politely ended the chat? I'd have told him where to go then blocked him. And I never block anyone. You'd told him your views and he totally ignored them. It's a consent issue.

@Ant330 well you had to try again til you were sure. At least you're sure now. Hope you're ok.

I'm back to left swiping. About to give up on it again. Loads of matches/chats just none really going anywhere

Quick update from me. I met Mr Wollaton, who I would like to rename Mr Surprises, for a picnic yesterday. It was lovely. He happily ate the gluten free feast I prepared and seemed genuinely interested in my diet and which was nice (I normally just get called weird, difficult or fussy!)
He wasn’t wearing his glasses this date and I found him slightly less attractive but nit in a negative way. The time flew by. We hugged at the end but no kiss. I think he’s more into the SD than I am but he did say when I hugged him that we should have done it at the start of the date.

Last night the chat got a little heated and my god can he talk the talk! He’s quite a normal, almost geeky (he’s words!) guy so I wasn’t expecting what he was messaging but I like it. He kept saying, if you get there, if you want that, in your time.
Anyway, we are meeting for lunch on Monday. Hopefully he’ll have more surprises!

Thanks for your thoughts. I know he overstepped the mark and I am pretty sure he does too. He's not unique in his actions though, sadly some people I have met online definitely don't understand acceptable behaviour. I will see what contact, if any , he makes later. If nothing else I am going to make it clear that for his own good going forward he needs to not do anything like that again until such time as it's been mutually agreed. I do think he was sorry. He hasn't given off any dodgy signals up until this happening last night. I won't be pursuing anything with him though.

@NoBloodyFighting of course

@Onesmallstep67 I agree - he massively overstepped boundaries you set out, get rid before he tries worse

I might be doing something stupid, I'm meeting a serial returner tonight. He seems different this time, been much more open and honest. BUT I'm not going to emotionally invest.

@crazycatlady20 I think if someone loves you, you know. Because it's not on the words. It's on their behaviour. I don't think your iron has shown you in his behaviour? Do you love him?

@SaltySusan mine came back with me looking amazing in a new WA picture. After 2 months. Idiot. I don't say they come back as a good thing. I say it so you can be prepared and not see it as 'he must really like me'. Which I did. Doh!!

@Ant330 aw sorry to hear this. My romantic side was hoping for a happy ending with this one. Hope you are ok.

@Menora I feel like I'm always the voice of doom for you. Sorry about that!! I'm just mindful that you've had 3 relationships on the thread and all of them have started with the iron being over invested early on. Just a reminder to be cautious and not get swept along.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and @Misty9 such lovely updates. Genuinely happy to hear of new relationships going well.

@Onesmallstep67 that's awful. Why were you polite back? That's so awful I feel sick. What kind of man has a wank during a normal conversation. Have you reported him on the site?

@Onesmallstep67 you are leaving it open for him to contact you again. A genuine question WHY? Do you think you accept poor behaviour from men generally?

@Onesmallstep67 don't make any excuses for his behaviour. You said what you didn't want and then he's wanting as you go on a call. Anyone can say the words 'I'm sorry, I got mixed signals' blah blah. He overstepped a very obvious line and now he's faux apologising. Other mens dreadful behaviour shouldn't be a normalising factor here.

Wanting = wanking

@Notcoolmum, I haven't reported him on the site as we had moved to whatsapp so as such I had made the transition to it being a private conversation. And no, I try not to accept poor behaviour from men. I had a situation last year where a guy who I blocked started calling from random numbers. It was pretty unsettling for a while. This guy last night definitely made the wrong move but I don't get or haven't had any other issues with him. I am hoping he won't make further contact. I am will decide later whether to send the message outlining how he should never overstep the mark again with other women that he meets.

And my use of the word ' polite ' was probably the wrong one. I was taken aback at what he was doing and he stopped almost immediately. I am not condoning his behaviour. If anything I was trying to minimise the impact on myself because things like this I find unsettling. This is the downside of OLD. The unpredictability of who you find or what signals they give off before truly revealing themselves.

@notcoolmum no I dont think he has yet. I'm not sure id have said love quite yet as even after this time we still dont really know each other that well but I am really drawn to him. I'm not fussed if he doesnt say he loves me, I was just trying to figure out why he did.

I think personally he is a bit scared or whatever, and it was his way of seeing if we were on the same page before moving forward (altho we didnt move forward 😖 poss because of lost phone)

we have arranged to meet tonight. I'm a bit anxious if it will go ahead tbh. if not, and I dont see him at all over the weekend or so I'll prob call it quits for now 😕. I know now tho that I'd leave the door open for him if he came back making serious effort. I'm my own worst enemy.

I'm sorry for posting when I dont seem to take on board the advice. I do for other irons, I really dont know what it is about Mr Big.

@Onesmallstep67 I'd block him and then report him to the site. I know it was on WA but he met you on the site.

@crazycatlady20 we all have those. Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Bloody hell @onesmallstep67 isnt that reportable ? Apologising and saying he thought something different was happening wouldn't cut it in real life. It's totally out of order. I feel for women online.

@Ant330 Sorry to hear that it's turned out to be disappointing again.

@crazycatlady20 I think that guy saying he loves you and expecting it back right away is not the action of someone that loves you. I'm not sure how to explain why I think that though. Let me try ... you need to feel that he trusts you and you trust him, that you're both uncertain about the future and not over committing but willing to do the work together to progress the relationship, that you are committed to giving it your best shots. So I think the I love you's at this stage have little weight. I'd rather say I love you when I've demonstrated it to such an extent that it's as plain as the nose on my face and in response to someone that is demonstrably on my side too. But then we are all different on this, I understand it's also a shorthand to express all the admiration and attraction you feel for someone in the moment. I would still judge your relationship and the quality of that as a whole over the words.

@crazycatlady20 read mr unavailable and the fallback girl. He is hot and cold'ing. Is it normal to fall in love and back off? Who knows, for some maybe. Is it a healthy approach to love and intimacy? Nope.

@Notcoolmum snap! 😂

crazycat completely understand...I'm awful too but would advise the book as well.

With my iron I had a bit of a realisation last night. As I mentioned we haven't seen eachother since before lockdown when he said he did actually see a future etc. There has always been some reason why we can't meet up...even though I've expressed I want to...due to corona etc I've given benefit of the doubt.

Last night he actually had free time and told me this, but never asked to meet up. It was the perfect opportunity to see me as he 'says he is desperate to'.

I've had enough now...I didn't have a go...I just left the conversation. He hasn't messaged since. I am sick of the lovely words and no action.

He is the only iron I feel I don't have any control over what I do with.

I'm not sure if he will 'be back'....I'm desperately trying not to message him...I sound so pathetic ☹

yeah I think I need to get the book.

thanks for all ur advice, I know it's not the best situation, and that the love word prob wasnt 'love'. I do think it meant something to him tho. or maybe I'm kidding myself.

@bangheadhere40 sorry to hear that. did u tell him u wouldnt be in touch again?

I often wonder what these types of guys get from doing this. its baffling. what is so hard about telling the truth, whether it be I just want chat, fun, I'm scared to go further. urgh it's annoying.

No never told him that, the conversation had come to a natural end. I can feel myself tethering on if to message, but I know he isn't giving me what I need.

Ew that is gross!! I would report him for the wanking too and block!

@Notcoolmum
I know it’s a theme. I suppose I am thinking at least it’s not me the over invested one!!

I have to say in a massive difference to the other 2 idiots, he’s still So Polite, kind Happy and thoughtful. I haven’t seen any controlling jealous or bad flakey side to him but then we haven’t gone through anything very challenging yet, so I am totally bearing that in mind that a bump in the road will show you more of someone’s personality and how they cope and behave

I absolutely value everyone's opinions on here. I admire those of you who have clearly set your bar high and won't tolerate any rubbish. I guess I am a work in progress in that respect. I am also the product of my experiences and as such at 53, trying to unpick or rectify the self esteem issues that may lead any of us to be treated in a certain unacceptable way is not going to happen overnight. But the supportive reminders to not settle for anything other than respectful behaviour are invaluable

Broken record here @bangheadhere40 but do reread Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I think we all have those irons that get under our skin and we don't want to let go. When I look back on mine I can see they hot and colded me beautifully. I was always desperate to get back to the hots and the relationship I I imagined we could have. Not the actual relationship we had.

@Menora so glad I didn't offend. I really want this one to work out for you!!

@Onesmallstep67 please don't think I'm able to do any better. I had an iron that got under my skin. Our times together were just so lovely. He was caring, thoughtful, put himself out for me. Acted like he loved me. But he was also married (separated) and very entwined with his ex. Wouldnt tell her about me. And wouldn't stay over at mine as he saw that as crossing a line with my kids. Even though he would stay until the early hours and I'd stay at his.

He dumped me. Then came back months later after I'd met someone else. I was stupid enough to give him another chance. Thankfully he dumped me again in a horrible way and I saw the light.

When I give advice it's the advice I wish I'd taken. The pain I could have saved myself. Mr Unavailables just don't change. They have already cast you as the fallback girl.

I haven’t come back too much as not much to report apart as I’m busy also it’s going well, nothing much has changed drastically and he is self aware enough not to bombard me or take up all my time and push himself into my life, he is super keen though and it’s like he can’t believe his luck which I don’t quite understand 😂 and he does have some body insecurities but he doesn’t make them MY problem iyswim. He never asks for reassurance from me, he’s pretty much always in a nice mood there is no ups and downs with him he’s consistent. He’s very cute and sweet and not my normal type really, super polite and sweet. Not very confident in the bedroom but where he lacks confidence he makes up for in size and enthusiasm!!!

notcool...yes the hot and cold. I hate it and always wonder what I've done...

I wonder if these men are aware of what they are doing! I will re read the book again.