Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crazycatlady20 I would agree that actions speak louder than words. I have read lots of 'experts' say men need 'space' when they're falling in love - I have no idea if this is true. Maybe he's insecure and wants extra validation, maybe he feels he's made the big gesture and you should be satisfied?

I took the view that Mr R treated me as if he were in love with me and so didn't push it. Half way through lockdown he said he loved me. He hasn't said it since but I don't feel I need it.

@Onesmallstep67 no I dont feel like we're in a relationship. however I have always really really liked him, irons come and go but I always go back to him.

we have met a few times during lockdown but just briefly as I normally always have my DD so its after her bedtime and he works really early. its starting to ease now and she can sleepover with grandparents. because of both of those things I've told him im not happy with just quick visits and what I'm looking for from a relationship and said I'm happy to stay friends if he doesnt agree etc. he says hes not good at this stuff but will try.

@StealthNinjaMum hes not insecure in other areas. he thinks I'm full on which I can be. I would txt 24/7 and meet most days if I could (I know 🙄🙈) so I've toned it down, so cant really give him much more validation. like most guys tho he doesnt like to discuss these things but feel he is making an effort to.

I feel like if he didnt want a relationship etc then be could just end it so I suppose that's a good sign that he is still in touch and we've arranged to meet.

the men on the board probably arent the men I should ask as they sound very gentlemanly. but I wonder how much a man will put up with from a woman (who is telling him her needs etc, when he doesnt really care) if he only wants sex

@crazycatlady20, there's clearly something drawing you back to each other as you say. What things are you wanting that he thinks he might not be too good at ? It sounds to me like once you are able to have proper chunks of time together then you will get a better sense of what potential there is. I'm not sure if I am reading between the lines but have all of his recent visits focused on sex ? Because if they have and that is all he really wants it'd be unusual for him to have said he loved you.

Hi all, sorry I’ve not been about much - a lot is going on!

I’m trying to read and catch up when I can though

Mr Return is very much over invested in me and almost dropped the L bomb but I think he caught himself before he did it - I think when someone invokes such good feelings in you, it’s natural that you want to share but it can be almost a bit like ‘well what now?’ I am not sure what it changes ultimately

@Onesmallstep67 just normal things really more communication, meeting, to be a priority (sometimes) and not just last minute. he says he doesnt like texting or calls much which is fair enough but we're not really meeting much either 🤯 I think we just need to find a good balance maybe.

he says it's hard to spend time, he does work weird hours and has a baby and I have a 6yo. I dont think anything will change after lockdown as we will still have kids so want to meet more now. he suggested letting kids meet after lockdown, then we could spend more time together. I like the idea but not too sure.

yes meets have been mainly sex 🙈 and I'd already agreed to meet up again when he then told me he loved me.

@crazycatlady20

Personally I’d not really interpret someone coming to mine for brief periods of time in which we always had physical contact as really conveying much tangible emotionally.

Sounds awful but I do think (some) men will do anything to secure regular sex and if he thought you were going to drop him then maybe he wanted to offer “just enough” to keep you interested whilst lockdown is going.

If you enjoy his company and enjoy the sex and you’re feeling ok then why not, but I don’t think just continuing in this limbo is going to move things forward - at the very least I’d stop having him over and start meeting/dating new people.

@Bunkbedpeople I agree with everything you've said which is why I'm probably a bit unsettled.

I've told him it wont work for me if we continue as is and what I'm looking for to move forward i.e. more meaningful time together and more communication and to be fair he has arranged to come over tomorrow and has been keeping in touch. So fingers crossed that all goes to plan.

I have no other irons just now and wouldnt like any while I try sort this out tbh.

I have walked away from him before when I felt it wasnt what I wanted and him from me when i was looking for too much from him than he wanted. This time feels a bit different that I'm being more up front and hes maybe listening. I think I'd regret and wonder what if, if I put an end to it just now.

Hopefully I'm not posting in a few days to say it's gone pear shaped 🤞

A little update from me. I have come off all the apps. Saw Mr Smile again last night. We went for a shortish (well short for us) walk. I didn't dress up or wear makeup like I did for our first date. He didn't seem to notice at all. We then just chilled for awhile talking and listening to music. Talking about anything and everything when he out of the blue he told me he likes me a lot. The feeling is very mutual.
Later on in the evening we DTD twice before he had to leave in the early hours to make sure he could get to work this morning.
This morning/today I haven't had any of the post sex anxiety of if he will contact me or not. It just feels right/natural with him.
Should be seeing him next Friday or the weekend so I'm going to have the exclusive talk/I'm not seeing anyone else or wanting to talk.

Interesting to hear about everyone's experiences. I'm wondering how many dates you all usually go on. Once a week? Once a month? I have matched with loads of men, some who seem to want to just chat endlessly rather than suggesting meeting up. After a few days it gets rather tedious.... especially as I've found that people can be completely different in person. I could suggest to them all to meet up. What is stopping men from doing this though?

@dancerinthemoonlight lovely update

I've got 46 matches on tinder. It seems no one wants to chat though Hinge is proving the same and I've given up and hidden my profile on pof

On the plus side, Mr Aussie has stepped up where every other iron has failed and asked to go on a date next week.
He's very very attractive though, we would probably look a bit mismatched... plus he doesn't have a huge amount of free time, but I'm looking forward to meeting him.

@Rasolia I have found similar. Either they don't want to chat or they want to chat endlessly without meeting. Even after I've dropped huge hints. I've started telling them now, either we meet or chat stops, I don't want a pen pal.

@30somethingandstillsingle yes, good idea! Chatting for ages is never a good thing. Maybe it is an ego boost for some. How many dates have you been on?

46 matches 30 something wow! I'm lucky if I swipe right on one person a week let alone them match

Date was lovely. Such a relaxing day (it turned into a day) but not sure if we'll see each other again. Nothing confirmed today and not heard much tonight. Regardless I had a lovely child free day

Lots of matches on bumble and tinder - I’d say 50-100?

Conversion rate isn’t great as I think matches are more about “likes” and I’ve sent a lot of ignored “hi” messages on bumble but I’m not taking it personally as I’m also ignoring lots on tinder?

I’m not really having in depth conversations that much tbh.

I’ve had four meets in the last two weeks?

1. Two older guys (I’m 35 in their 40’s) who were polite and we had a interesting chat but I wasn’t that interested in them. From tinder. It’s kind of good and bad we’re just walking about drinking coffee as in I think with alcohol it would be more “flirty” but equally if I don’t fancy them sober then I don’t want to push something?

1. One ok looking one I met for the first time after exams/lockdown/not dating for a while so it was SHIT and awkward just walking about as I was stressed. Also from tinder. 37.

( we’ve exchanged a couple of messages and hypothetically agreed to another meet but not holding my breath)

1. Bumble - very cute guy I met yesterday for a walk and coffee, we’re upgrading to alcohol next week 😉 27.

I have a meet tomorrow with an nhs medic and have another technically agreed to with another - though with doctors current schedules who knows?

I blocked one on WhatsApp for pushing too much for a first meet at his, and similarly I’ve had a few contacts where it’s felt a bit “off” and also a few where I’m just not that excited about them.

I’m childfree by choice and mainly looking to date “casually but not a primary sex thing”

I am finding the whole SD dating format is going to force me to be more discerning as in there isn’t a “date” to go on and wandering round a park with someone I don’t chime with is going to be

@Rasolia
Well, I haven't had a date since before lockdown, so it's clearly not working very well for me

@30somethingandstillsingle Maybe next time someone asks you something you could say.... 'Sure, I'll tell you over coffee/walk/drink'

I had a hinge video date. Chatted for ages, lovely bloke, I'm not sure I'll fancy him and I think he's wanting something more settled that I do. I think he was shocked by my straight up honesty.

Well Mr Mountains didn't message today so I'm thinking he came to same conclusion I did. That makes it easier.

I was thinking about Mr Swan a lot today... I wish I didn't

Lovely update on MrSmile Dancer 👌

My update, it's all over with MissBoomerang aka Hair. We gave it another go, but I don't think I (probably we) had any real confidence it would work, wust didn't want to admit it.

I approached it this time with all my barriers up suspecting at some point her moody flaky side would appear, and it has done this week. Long story short, she let me down at the last minute tonight and it's just one time too many.

I have no patience left, the best bits about us just don't seem that great anymore, or they're no longer enough to outweight the bad.

I'm fine about it being over, think I knew we were fighting a losing battle. Just frustrated knowing I should have reached this conclusion quite some time ago.

I missed that update @Dancerinthemoonlight so awesome for you.

@Ant330 sometimes we have to play these things out so we truly know, it helps us stop looking back with rose tinted specs. Look at it as you gave it a shot, now you'll know you tried and won't think what if.

@Ant330 you reached the conclusion when you were ready to reach it.

I'm enjoying all the smiles that come with Mr Smile. So far he really is lovely. Has made an effort to see me. Is planning dates with me without me having to peruse him for them.
I don't know any other way of describing it than it just feels right and natural.

Happy to read your update on Mr Smile dancer you definitely deserve it.
Sorry about MsH ant I hoped you two would work it out but agree that sometimes you have to let it play out to see for yourself. Glad you're not too down about it though, is staying friends at a later date a possibility?
craving thanks for your offer to discuss the poly life. I'm dipping a tentative toe in this weekend and having a date with another guy. All above board etc. Just to see if it is something that interests me and importantly if, emotionally, I can handle it. Might PM you if that's okay?
Menora glad to read your update on Mr Return too, it's easy to get swept up in it at first as we all know, but I'm hopeful you've got a good one there after Mr Muddle!

In the background to my main dilemmas with Mr Cocky and Mr Van I have been chatting quite pleasantly with an iron that I met on Tinder a couple of weeks ago. I will call him Mr Cricket. 41, never married. Decent looking, found him on Facebook as he told me his name. All fine.
Last night, after a few days of conflicting emotions I ended up chatting to him on whatsapp. Conversation has previously been flirtatious but edging into decidedly sexual. I don't really get much out of that and have learned my lesson in the past so tend to make the point that until we've met and are pursuing something I don't do rude pics / videocall etc.
Mr Cricket had been texting normal stuff which got a bit more gently suggestive. I told him my stance, he said he completely understood and was definitely hoping to meet me, not just get a few online thrills. So we go back to texting and he suggests a video call. We have only spoken once last week in a voice call. Out of curiosity I agree, video call starts and he is quite clearly wanking ( out of shot ) while we talk. I was a bit confused/annoyed and pointed out what it looked like he was doing. He was instantly apologetic and stopped. He ' reassured ' me that he wasn't just looking for cheap thrills, had mistaken my agreeing to video call as a green light. I didn't make a huge fuss because he stopped and apologised but I politely ended the chat. He immediately sent another apology. I'm not convinced now though that he is worth considering.

@Dancerinthemoonlight that sounds really lovely with Mr Smile 🙂

@Ant330 I agree with others, at least you have it a shot and will never wonder what would have happened if u hadnt tried again. Will you be staying in touch at all?

@Onesmallstep67 😬 urgh I think this would really put me off. were you just talking about normal things while he was doing this?

@Onesmallstep67 omg that's awful! And I'm quite sexually liberated I like to think. Was he doing it while you were just chatting about non-sexual things?! Definitely block.

Things are going well with Mr biology and neither of us can believe it's only been nearly 4 weeks I finally plucked up the courage to ask about exclusivity and he has come off the apps and says he isn't looking for anyone else. He also talks about the future together in a normal matter of fact way, so I should feel secure! But I'm used to men who don't treat me particularly well and 4 weeks in are usually still keeping me on my toes and avoiding any commitment. So I'm trying to enjoy this new experience! It feels very relaxed and he doesn't seem to feel the need to fill silence with chatter, unlike me...