Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I’m so sorry for hogging the thread with my massive posts too - I will try to keep them to a minimum xx

It's not just men @Notcoolmum although I know you didn't mean it like that 😉 I can empathise a lot with the hoping that the best you see of somebody is what you're going to get consistently, because when it's good it's bloody great and giving that up seems so ridiculous.
But I know when I've got my sensible head on that really you should be basing your decision on whether somebody is right for you when they are at their worst, or at the very least their consistent behaviour from best to worst. My problem is my sensible head rarely appears and only fleetingly.

@SaltySusan glad it was of some help. Just be aware that everybody you're talking to is probably chatting to somebody else or elses, and may already be having or arranging dates when you first start messaging.
So your comment "can you imagine speaking to him knowing that he’d been with somebody else?" applies to everybody you chat to. Just because he's going on a date doesn't mean it will be a good one or that he might sleep with her. It could be an absolute car crash 🤣
However, I completely understand the 2nd best sentiment and agree with others, prepare for his return and what you will say now, rather than when it happens.

Thank you everyone for yet more really solid, non judgemental advice and support. @HairyArsedMan, I highly doubt that Mr Cocky would undergo any kind of therapy.
I will sit this out for a while and see what his next step is. I also need to address my concerns about Mr Van. In both cases I think 4 weeks is a reasonable time frame. I have already begun to discard one or two guys on the periphery. It's time to look for quality.

Hello everyone. I met up for the first time with Mr Sink yesterday. He wasn't as good looking as in his photos and slimmer in person. I didn't feel an instant attraction to him but we talked non stop and have many shared interests. I feel like I should see him again but not sure. Wwyd? In my experience attraction doesn't usually come later but maybe I would be too hasty to say goodbye? I left smiling... But can't really imagine myself in bed with him (yet)!

Resolia, good communication is a great basis. No harm in getting to know him a little better?
I have an issue with mine. Seven months now, great communication from the start, survived non uk lockdown with FaceTime and socially distanced activities, tonnes of interests in common, kind and thoughtful, bright, funny, tall, planning a holiday ... and then he stonewalled me for an hour at the weekend. I drew the boundary really clearly for him and he seemed to understand and apologised, said he would try to make sure that never happened again. I think this is a remnant of a bad relationship template from his childhood, and he achieves everything he puts his mind to, so I am confident it will not happen again. The attraction has also not withered and my boundaries are sky high. Both 40s, divorced, children, not planning to have children or move in together, we like having separate households. But it niggles all the same. Then again, it has only been a couple of days. Am I a fool not to end it?

Autumnhaze what do you mean by stonewalling?

Did he say that he needed time to think or do you think it was intentionally controlling/sulking?

I’m an introvert with well-masked ASD and I do need time away from an emotionally overwhelming situation or I feel completely submerged!

But only you can tell if you think it was badly-intentioned or a defence mechanism.

Also, I’d say if you aren’t merging houses or finances or lives you’re quite “low risk” - I mean if he’s an arsehole further down the line you can detach with a phone call so it’s not like you’ll have to move him out or move yourself out.,

Bunkbedpeople, thanks. He sulked for an hour. Was ridiculous. A matter of which car we were taking for something. He wanted to take his as it would save me driving half an hour, I wanted mine to save his nicer car. No massive argument or anything but we took mine and he sulked. Couldn‘t jolly him out of it.

Low risk, yes, I see that too. Yet I have worked so hard to change and have healthy boundaries and don‘t want to waste my time, settle or have them eroded. Then again, he’s the best man by far I have ever met in so many ways - so I guess proceed with caution for now, at least for another few weeks, see if I can process and forget it ... thanks again

Just back from my walk with mr mountains, lovely bloke but just no magic.... next (I know that sounds bad but that's what it feels like)

@cravingthelook I feel a bit like that too. Did you find him attractive in any way?

@Rasolia

He was nice and had a lovely friendly face but he was only a smidgen taller than me and slimmer than I thought. I find men that are tall and broad shouldered attractive

Morning all. Have a first meet with an iron this morning. Walk in the walk. Not spoken much (arranges early meet) so not sure what to expect. Have a feeling he is likely to be shorter than me though as he's listed his height the same as mine which usually equates to them being shorter 😁

I think chatting to more than one iron is totally normal. One thing I've learnt about OLD over the last couple of years is that you have to be incredibly thick skinned.
It's no good wondering if an iron is going on dates or chatting to others or if they are comparing you. Unfortunately most of us do it.

It's difficult at times not to over invest in someone.
I am still talking to Mr W, we have been chatting for the last couple of months. Chats range from general chit chat to some deeper level stuff to hot a frustrated talk I like what I know of him. BUT. He is clearly reluctant to meet yet, and last week a few comments set my spidey senses tingling so I have tried to back off with the messaging and talking... which has made him step up twice as strong, but I just have to keep telling myself it's not real until it's real.

In the mean time, two new irons. Mr Yo-yo (says it all really) and Mr Aussie.

Both are talking about meeting, but have not arranged a date yet.

Good morning, all

I hope you are all in good spirits and enjoying the sun where you are!

In preparation of my moving forwards, please could I ask for your advice on the following?

1. When irons return to you after disappearing, what do they say / how do they think that you would be interested in hearing from them even though they’ve hurt you (I know that I have been over invested this time!). I just can’t imagine how they would open a conversation to come back into your life?

1. I always thought that moving to WhatsApp to chat would be a positive sign that things were moving in the right direction. Now I think that it doesn’t mean anything at all, it’s just easier to communicate this way but are there any other apps besides WhatsApp that I can suggest speaking on in the future? I thought WhatsApp would be less intrusive than FB Messenger?

Thanks again, trying to get past this and not make the same mistakes again or read so much into things in the future!

Yeh definitely agree with 30something - don’t take the contacts too seriously or anything personally.

I mean of course it’s natural to feel disappointment/sadness if someone isn’t what you thought they’d be or flattered/excited if someone cool gets in touch but overinvesting isn’t good.

I definitely think the apps are a lot more fast-paced than the old dating sites where you sort of “did messages and waited”?

I’m swiping lots, they’re swiping lots, I’m possibly meeting someone for a coffee tomorrow who I didn’t know existed yesterday morning.......

saltysusan maybe I’m missing something but is there a reason you’re chatting for so long before actually meeting?

Unless something is possibly long distance I’d really look at exchanging a few messages, phone chat if you can, decide if there are any red flags, then quick coffee meet?

Salty I have a few irons that keep disappearing and then returning, they act as if nothing happened, usually saying “hey, how are you?”, I had one message yesterday and I haven’t replied.

I tried to speak to My Snake about calming things down and taking things slowly, not sure he really took it on board. He wanted to see me tomorrow and Saturday but I have told him I will just see him Friday night but not Saturday as I have my dc’s and I feel it’s too soon that he comes to my house. He seemed to understand but says “I just want to see you all the time” 😐, I explained that I’ve been single for 5 years and me and my dc are used to being on our own and doing our own thing. I don’t really want to see him more than once a week but he seems to be making plans to do more things together and with our dc. He has backed off a little with the texting as I just keep telling him I’m busy.

Mr Ski message to ask if I would see him again but I have ignored as I found out (via google) that’s he’s 6 years older than he is saying, making him 54 not 48 as he told me.

@SaltySusan

It depends on who returns and how. I've got a couple of serial returners, one just says Hi or Hey, that's Mr Prick. I once told him, if you are truly interested in me you'll step up and take me out on a proper date. He hasn't, I don't give him any airtime now.

Mr blocker actually found me on messenger yesterday to apologise for blocking me on WhatsApp again. Thing is after he'd done it last time I'd kept it as friends and kept him at arms length. I actually told him he was a self sabotaging prick and apologies mean you don't do it again so either treat me with respect or fuck off.

Because he's been fairly straight up about his stresses I might be ok to Mr Music if he returns, depends on how he returns.

I'm probably not the best to give advice as I try give people the benefit of the doubt, my best friend gets annoyed with me and rolls her eyes. She blocks returners right out the gate. She probably has the right idea.

I always use WhatsApp, it's straightforward and easy to block on.
Be wary of anyone who wants to use a photo of deleting app like Snapchat ... they just want pictures trust me.

@SaltySusan My advice would be to only put in as much effort as the other person is making. If he comes back with a "Hey" text, I'd respond with "Hey" (but not immediately.) TBH, I think that this will be a non starter for you now even if he does come back and try and rekindle things with you - you'll always have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that you asked to meet and he said no, then he met someone else who he's been chatting to less. Read the rules, they really do cover everything. Don't worry about messaging loads on here - we'll keep you on the straight and narrow, and if you fall off the path, never be embarrassed or ashamed to tell us that you started chatting to him again, met up, whatever - a lot of us have gone against the general advice on the thread, but we needed to get things out of our system just to say we gave it a chance, I'm a bugger for doing it No one will judge you.

I'd use this as a painful but necessary lesson (which most of us on here have learned the hard way in our early OLD experiences) to not get so over invested in one person and try and meet quicker (should be easier now with restrictions lifting).

Btw he is not out of your league, no one is out of anyone's league - beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I've gone out with some questionable looking guys who I thought were hot as hell because they were genuinely lovely men which pushed them from a 6 to an 8 for me the more I got to know them. When I look at pictures of them now though I cringe a bit, but at the time - wow...

Sanity check please!

After the discussion of are irons/ aren't irons talking to anyone else I decided to ask my iron. He said not, I said okay. He said he can send screenshots to prove. I said don't be silly I trust what hes saying I just wanted to ask directly as I was curious.

All okay, he said anything he can do to alleviate worry he will .then he threw in "you can't help what your mind does". Is this an odd comment? Or I reading too much into it.

banghead40 have you met the guy? Where are you in terms of dating?

bunkbed met once before lockdown....have chatted loads during lockdown but not seen since.

@bangheadhere40
I don't think it's an odd comment to make really.

I would however, advise against asking irons off they are chatting to anyone else, unless you are really prepared for the answer.

I personally never ask, it's non of my business, just like it's not any of theirs who I am talking to.

Yeh banghead I’d just work on seeing how you feel after the next meet and assessing the situation from there

Incidentally the exclusivity/lots of dates thing is (partially) why I’ve decided to delay physical contact/sex talk now

it feels more comfortable dating lots of people and not overinvesting/being attached too early if I haven’t got to that physical intimacy stage?

(That said my meet yesterday was like a 9 out of 10 in terms of looks so I’m going to be struggling if I drink at our next meet )

@saltysusan yeah mine mostly just pop up and ask how I'm doing. it depends on what's happened with them and if I have a current iron on whether I reply. I'm terrible at sticking to boundaries as the update below will show.

i only have 1 iron (mr big 😂) we've spoke and DTD on/off for 10 months but he never wanted a relationship. most recently started chatting just after lockdown when he said he was ready to try for a relationship. few ups and down since then including him awol because of stolen phone and me wanting too much. not spending much time together because of lockdown.

so I've not put this bit up before but he had told me at start of lockdown he was falling for me and then later asked if I loved him, I said I wasnt sure (as I thought it was a bit early to be saying it) but told him there was something about him. the next week or so he told me kind of out the blue he loved me and I questioned him on if he meant it properly. he said he did and asked if I loved him. I said yeah and asked if it changed anything and he said of course, he wanted to know before he moved forward in a relationship. I dont think it was L bombing, there was no need to say it really and he could have said it long ago if it was the case. however Since then I felt like we're going backwards a bit. any help? only my ex has ever said they loved me? do guys get cold feet at all after saying the L word? or does he think he doent need to bother as much now?

I know words are cheap so I've told him I'm feeling unsettled and what I'm looking for in a relationship and he said it doesnt seem like much and can discuss it when we meet. if all goes well i'll will see how it goes over the next few weeks.

@crazycatlady20, do you feel like you are in a relationship with him ? Have you spent enough time together to feel a strong connection? Is there a reason why you are not able to meet in person at the moment ?
I can't really say for definite why you have both said what you have said or explain why he appears to have taken a step back ( ish )
I think you can fall in love with someone very quickly and you can 'love' being with them or around them, their personality and their outlook. I think actions sometimes speak louder than words and ideally you need to be back in each other's company to truly test things out. In my former life I did a play once where my character talked about relationships being a choice every day, to be together, to stay together, to work at things.

• and that that is really what love is : commitment to each other, trust and mutual respect.

It sounds like your iron is very fond of you, wants something to develop and can recognise a connection with you that he likes and wants to develop.