Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Morning everyone, some tough reads here with some of us feeling quite down and disheartened by OLD. As ever loads of good advice and support offered. The trick ( which I always find difficult ) is to keep your needs and expectations at the forefront of everything that you do. To rise above what feels like rejection and to see it as them who is not right for you.

I had a lovely evening with Mr Cocky at his new flat. One of the rare occasions we haven't spent our time together in my bed. There was no sex, which I was surprised by, and instead we chatted, cuddled and kissed. We spooned on his bed, he kissed my neck, played with my hair, gave me the softest of kisses He has always been affectionate with me, although he has quite a cocky exterior ( hence name ). It was a wonderful evening and talk of more to come. I came away feeling like anything was possible between us.... but now I feel more than a bit scared ( of my feelings) and flat that what we had last night isn't happening every night. I couldn't face chatting to Mr Van so we just messaged and now this morning Mr Van has called and I was genuinely happy to hear from him too... but maybe a little confused that I can almost be so fickle in my affections.

Twice yesterday I was described as an overthinker, by Mr Cocky and one of my good friends. I think I am so desperate not to be hurt that instead of living in the moment and enjoying the 'now' I worry it'll all go wrong and I put too much pressure on the men involved to guarantee that they are genuinely into me and not making empty promises.
How do those of you are who better at this enjoy the here and now ?

@ZoZoBo what @Ant330 said. At first I only talked to one person at a time and I got over invested that way. Then they'd ghost or we'd meet and didn't click and I'd be gutted and feel like I was starting over. This way of talking to a few at once helps me keep perspective.

I know having other irons has stopped me doing stupid things when feeling insecure.

I still feel a bit crap but I had a Covid 19 test yesterday and it came back negative, so at least I don't need to isolate.

I'm meeting Mr Mountains this evening- so we'll see how that goes. It will be a very light walk/chat in the car I think

@Onesmallstep67 I'm probably not the best person to answer as I overanalyse far too much as well, but there were a couple of things that stood out in your post.
Is your concern with MrCocky a lack of consistency, because inconsistency will of course cause anxiety and lead you to overthinking. An expectation for consistency in a relationship is perfectly reasonable. If it's not there, then why not and will it ever be?
I suspect what you describe as being fickle is simply you being aware that you're not getting what you need from MrCocky so understandably you're pleased to hear from MrVan possibly in the hope that he can, perfectly understandable imo.
Plenty have posted about boundaries and having clear expectations about what you want, plus having the courage to communicate those and step back when they aren't or can't be fulfilled.
I hold my hands up I'm an absolute hypocrite for repeating this because I don't do it, but it's always seemed good advice when I've seen it posted before.
But put very bluntly if it's causing anxiety rather than being fun and enjoyable, then surely you have to question whether it's right for you rather than what is wrong with you?
And I might be way off with this, but don't let somebody tell you you're an overthinker just to deflect from answering your question. I've experienced it and it's an easy out when somebody knows you either won't like the answer or are unwilling/incapable of opening up to you 😉

@Ant330 all great advice and all makes sense but your right it's so hard sometimes to put in to practice.

Trying to follow the advice myself today by saying what I need and if it cant happen I think it should end. he has asked to talk tonight 😕

@Ant330 that's very good advice and I'm thinking that way now about mr music. I don't need that stress

@Ant330, really sound advice and objective observation. I too am one of those people who can see what others should be doing but difficult to put into practice.
i don't like to clog up the thread with covering the same facts about situations but never sure if those reading know the context. So very briefly, Mr Cocky ,6 years. FWB. I have been in other relationships during that time, he has remained in the background.We have never dated properly. He can be secretive and although wants my attention , has kept me at arms length. Him telling me where he lives, me visiting him all new territory last night. He said several times about us going out soon and me staying over. I told him that he needed to mean what he said and not play with my emotions because we have had numerous conversations about me wanting something he can't offer. The last one caused me to stop contact for 3 weeksand it only resumed on Monday. I think what he was trying to say to me with the over thinker comment was we are making progress let's see what happens. So that is what I will have to do. Try to go with the flow, not let my hopes get too high, enjoy things and see where we end up.

@Onesmallstep67 I don't think mr cocky is likely to suddenly change and give you want you want. Or he'd have done that by now?

@Onesmallstep67 is he the one that vanished for a week recently because he lost his phone?

@Notcoolmum u might be thinking of mine who had his phone stolen just 2 weeks ago.

@Notcoolmum, yes i know, Mr Cocky doesn't have the best track record. I allowed myself to get swept up in all of his best bits last night. He could not have been more perfect which feeds my frustration about him even more. And no, he wasn't the one who lost his phone.

6 years is a very long time to give someone to prove themselves.

Sorry re the phone. I'm easily confused!!

Wow bumble seems to have some reasonably classy characters (one of who I’ve just been on an excellent meet with) and some who are just way out of my league.

@Onesmallstep67 Have you had an explanation that makes sense for the prior arms length behaviour ?

@HairyArsedMan, yes I know why it has happened. I know this fact will not go down well with some but he was married when we met. I didn't know until a couple of months in. I was incredibly naive and sad back in those times after the death of my DH. We met very sporadically but chatted all the time. I was getting a lot out of my system with other guys . Mr Cocky was messing around with other women. His wife found out and they went their separate ways very acrimoniously 3 years ago. We met occasionally when my last relationship was on a break. Mr Cocky's DC ( in their 20s) were understandably furious about his behaviour and it's been touch and go for quite some time. So he has always maintained he couldn't risk the relationship with his DC breaking down again. Which I understand. Now that he finally has a new place I feel he has a bit more breathing space for pursuing something. I know he will appear as a cheat and untrustworthy. And my attachment to him as questionable.

@Onesmallstep67

I dunno, it kind of seems that you’re not genuinely comfortable with these long term FWB situations you’ve got into?

Which is often the case - I think FWB can work if you feel you’re both at the same level and it’s not one person wanting more?

It’s not really good for emotional self esteem to feel “not good enough” all the time (and that doesn’t apply to just women - of course not everyone wants to be married or have a serious relationship but feeling like the other party is basically holding out for someone they think is “better” is kind of shit).

I think it was quite good for me when I realised that although I have had lots (more than lots ) of weird casual things in the past and sex is important, I’m just not emotionally comfortable with an arrangement where someone is dropping in for the night every now and then but I’m lacking reliable social companionship the rest of the time?

I do think some people are good at having that “push-pull” effect which we can mistake for love/emotions.

Also if they’re really good looking or have a great job or are good at making you feel very special for a short period of time it can be quite addictive.

@Bunk bed people, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I don't want casual/part time etc. I actually want someone amazing to commit to. And yes, feeling not quite good enough constantly is destabilising. I think someone else suggested giving myself a time limit and if neither Mr Cocky, Mr Van or any of the others bobbling around don't come through then I really should draw a line under things and have a break from dating. I did this for about 6 months last year then Mr Van came into my life and I was blinded by his good looks and humour.

Yes, I think your last two sentences reveal the source of anxiety @onesmallstep67. Granted, he’s been honest, you know the whole story, but as we all know this can be whipped around as an upfront statement of ‘hey you knew what I was like’. Having his own place grants him huge freedom not just with respect to you - do you think he has dealt with what drove those behaviours back then ?

And I am a sucker for feeling needed. I rarely meet men who have their shit together. The guy who I was seeing until last year ( 3 years with breaks but a proper relationship ) was pretty together but I found his desire to organise my life and our time overwhelming. It mostly failed though because he liked to tell me my DDs behaviour /attitude was poor whereas the truth was they were being that way because he was overstepping the mark in terms of ' parenting' them. I should have dealt with it in a much more hard line way straight away. But again I was having a tough time as both my parents were ill then passed away during our time together. I can see that I am overdue a healthy relationship where I assert my feelings and needs.

@Onesmallstep67

You know fully well you want a relationship but you are mistaking Mr Cocky for something that has potential as you have a connection. You do have a connection but it’s sexual and an emotional game, it’s not based on anything that is tangible and real and IRL you would find him very boring and annoying and irritating if you were with him all the time

@HairyArsedMan, I am very aware that his new place affords him total freedom now. Our situation will go one of two ways now. I was ready to walk 3 weeks ago. I have been reeled back in with the news of his flat and his behaviour last night. But unless there is a marked change in him going forward from here then our days are numbered. I am not so besotted that I can't see the red flags plonked all around him.

@Menora, this could well be true. Talking it through on here has pulled me out of my ' loved up' state. I am going to see what happens in the next couple of weeks. I am going to keep my options open with other irons and look more selectively at finding new chats if I go on Tinder. I know that while I am still dealing with guys who are not fully suitable I am preventing myself from finding someone who is.

Firstly @Onesmallstep67 you have dealt with a lot of grief in the last few years. I can fully understand why you would want to hold on to someone who has been there for you during those times.

I do think though that you want a real relationship. And Mr Cocky is never going to be the one that gives you that. Some men have that pull factor for sure. And often the ones that do hot and cold and when it's hot it seems so perfect you cling to the idea it could be like that all do the time. But it never will be.

Sadly I've been there more than once. And have fallen for different versions of hot and cold. I suggest reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Or rereading it if you already have read it. You will see yourself and Mr Cocky in there.

@onesmallstep67 I suppose when I was asking about what he has done to change, I was thinking of a friend who has marriages under his belt and he did a lot of therapy before his current very stable relationship.

Hello all; @Notcoolmum @Ant330 and all the posters that are helping me so much - It’s all I seem to say on here but Thank you! So much again, I can’t tell you how much it is helping me to get things straight in my mind.

So I’ve lasted another day of not contacting him (which is quite something as I miss him so much!) - But I need to give my head a wobble as all I seem to do is imagine him out on his date and what they’ll be doing / wishing it was me - How sad!

Ant330 - He had told me when we first ‘met’ that he hardly had any meaningful connections with people he met on dating sites because they were either quite demanding (for him to prove himself as genuine / jump through hoops) or were very casual and usually the connection burned out quickly. It sounds silly now, but we got on so, so well, had loads in common and lots of shared jokes and chat and so when things got as serious as can be over video messaging and WhatsApp, I didn’t think about it or worry, it just seemed to be a natural progression.

I now know that I should have made him do the same and set out my requirements so to speak but it all happened so quickly.

Then on Sunday night I sent him a photo (of my face!) because he’d sent one of himself to me. He commented that I’d taken the photo very quickly and I explained that I already had it in my phone from earlier when I was chatting to a friend. He then asked if this friend was male or female and I explained female and that I wasn’t having any conversations with any males (I honestly explained this in a matter of fact way!) and we carried on chatting about other things.

Then on Monday morning, he sent me a photo of his face and I made a ‘joke’ along the lines of that it was good to know that he’s not a catfish. He replied that he wasn’t but that he was very sorry but he has a date this week with somebody he had been speaking to before me.

He asked if I was okay with that and initially I didn’t say that I wasn’t. He asked if I was angry.
I tried to be cool about it, but I was really gutted and so I made it clear that I just couldn’t continue because it would hurt me.

I mean, can you imagine speaking to him knowing that he’d been with somebody else? I don’t know how I could have been breezy about that because I had by that time, vastly over invested in him.

He was sad that I wanted to stop communicating with him but he didn’t offer to cancel his date - Why should he but if he had then I would have felt more appreciated. So this was my message that he wasn’t invested in me or really cared too much about my feelings.

I’d had a big life event recently and he’s stayed up all night with me, talking about all sorts - that sort of thing made me think that he liked me.

So the woman he has the date with sounds much more together than me. He has been speaking to her since Feb time but has never met her. Their relationship was a slow burner. They hadn’t messaged half as much as we did and they were still speaking on the dating app whereas we had moved to WhatsApp.

The worst thing was that I had asked him to meet up over recent weeks but he had always said ‘No’ and we had only just arranged something but he has been planning to meet this lady for some time.

I just can’t see him getting in contact again. Pride and as I say, he could have the pick of many many ladies and so I’m sure he will move on. But I hear what you are saying that most people go back and I really want that to happen so badly, even though I couldn’t go there again.

I also think I have given the wrong impression about myself to him.

I have started messaging another guy - blatant rebound and he just isn’t this guy. I’m going to call this one MrCastle as he has a thing for them, randomly! I need to move on and I will.

You speak a lot of sense, Ant330 and your post has really had a calming affect on me today - Thank you.