Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

supercali77 that was my thought. Somehow chat now means sex chat. Like fun now = sex.
Either way, he's gone.
I deleted tinder. He was my only match. So I need to get a new profile pic because the one I have just isn't working. No interest on any apps.

@EchoElephant do you just have the one pic up?

No, I've got 5 pics.
But obviously no one is getting past the first pic and swiping on me. Or looking at my profile on Pof.
I'm having a break from it for a month or so to have a think about what to do.

@EchoElephant

Break sounds a good plan - give sites time to get more turnover of people

What’s your criteria for swiping? Is it worth being a bit more adventurous with that? (Not saying lower your standards but a match isn’t a promise, just see if there’s anyone a bit outside your usual type who might be interested?)

I actually do think some people are online just to chat indefinitely with one liners who just ask vague questions to keep you going (maybe they are catfishes or partnered up or basically expecting the other person to just get desperate and start sending offers of sex to get their attention! Or they like the feeling of control having lots of women in contact but know they have nothing to offer irl)

I like to throw in the “meet soon” line ASAP. I actually feel a bit icky sending lots of general chat/personal info to someone who may be nothing like their online personality.

On the other hand, there do seem to be some quite busy people (I’m retraining for wfh) so maybe struggling with time so can’t schedule a meet in soonish so I’m trying to make allowances for that.

Bunkbedpeople I don't really have a criteria for swiping. Anyone who looks normal and isn't too far away.
But I'm not getting any interest on Pof either. No one is looking at my profile, never mind sending a message.

I've had a few people comment that my main photo is too "nice" and maybe a little to boring or business like. So I need a re-think

If I were you echo I'd pay for either tinder or bumble. That way you see who swipes on you and then you just pick anyone you're interested in. Made dating admin so much easier for me. And yes, maybe ditch the nice business ones and if you have any of you on a night out? Even just as filler so they know.....you can actually go out. Its a bit like advertising a house. People project ideas onto you before even meeting based on clothes and background

Also @EchoElephant seriously embrace the selfie if you haven’t already ?

I actually thought it was a bit “weird” using selfies (as I’m a professional serious type not a vain 15 year old on Instagram) . Plus I didn’t want to look friendless or desperate.

but it was the best way to get accurate flattering recent photos of me?? If you look at the blokes profiles loads of normal professional guys use mirror selfies.

My tip is to just snap loads of shots in a full length mirror or face shots when you think look good or if you’re on a night out (even if you’re not online dating) .

and you’ll have a regular supply to draw on for your profile

Thanks for the tips
My profile has a number of photos of me on a night out, with friends, doing my sports as well as some selfies.

The 'business' ones are just selfies that I took. But I've been told they look too good, so I could look like a fake profile.

I haven't paid for tinder but I used the 1mile trick so I could see who had already swiped right. I was getting maybe 1 or 2 a day but they were always 50+ miles away. I tried swiping right on local men I like but only got the one match.

On pof I can see that no one is bothering to look at my profile. Maybe 4 or 5 views in a week.

That makes me think that they are looking at the first profile pic only and deciding to swipe left or not open my profile.
So it doesn't matter what other photos I have. The first one is putting them off. But I don't want to use any of the others as a main photo as they are group photos or you can't clearly see my face.

I sympathise @EchoElephant. I can’t believe blokes in their late 40s/50s can be operating online with such disdain. I can see how it would get you down. I have no solutions for you, to a certain extent I’m in the same boat, but I really am not that fussed about no interest as I’m finding barely any profiles interesting myself and daily life has been very much busier/stressing these past few months - so I guess I’m part of the problem.

Re: PoF they introduced a new restriction where non paying members can only see the last few views, whereas before it was all views. I think if you’re browsing with intent you’ll now lose out on some return interest because they can’t reciprocate without paying.

Hello, I hope that everybody is feeling well today. @Notcoolmum @Menora @supercali77 Thank you so, so much for your help and for taking the time to post. You have made me feel that I can cope with this when I initially felt empty and that I was seriously going to struggle. My personal circumstances are that I have an extremely small circle (more a triangle!) of friends that I can confide in, IRL and I’m always mindful that I don’t want to burden them with me stuck on the same subject. Thank you, you have made this much easier - Goodness knows how I would cope in the situation where I had split from a long term partner!

Also, I’m so interested to know that you are sure he will be back in contact. This has never happened to me before and thinking about it, I just couldn’t trust him again (which I know is silly as he had not made a commitment to me) but from the perspective that I would be aware that he had only been in contact because his date didn’t work out, it would make me feel like 2nd or 3rd best!
I’m sure that he won’t need to come back to me but I’m hope that he will make contact because I really miss chatting to him. He made my triangle of close friends into a square, which was lovely!

Now for the bit which I really hope that you won’t judge me on. Something I really wish I hadn’t done, and looks very desperate. My male friend has an account on Hinge and I used his account to search for women around our area - Absolutely not to contact them or to do anything inappropriate. This was to see who my ‘competition’ is, so that I could see if my profile was seriously lacking in something, etc.

I really, really wish I hadn’t - The women who are my age (39) and younger on Hinge are so, so beautiful! Their profiles looked so much better than mine - Instagram worthy! So now I know, but I wish I hadn’t looked!

So now I understand why Date had not offered to cancel his date(s) with the other ladies. They are all in another league to me. This will teach me for not concentrating on myself!

Hope everybody is okay and looking forward to Lockdown easing. Thank you again.

@SaltySusan sadly the algorithms and the nature of online dating (face based capitalist swiping nightmare) mean that the photos that are the 'most glossy of the female face objects' end up at the very front. Did you swipe through for long? I've peeked my male pals tinder and bumble and honestly, yer regular looking lady is in there. She just isn't the slick promo at the front

@saltysusan I'm your age. I was stupid enough to carry on and hear about all the other women, it hurts. Please don't be like me, I'm now at the point ( I think) to not be bothered. I am way better than I was but I can't let it go. I wish I could, I'm my own worst enemy.

@supercali77 I swiped a bit (about 20 profiles) but it was so depressing and I was trying to hide my feelings as if it didn’t matter. That’s really interesting about the algorithms that I hadn’t thought about! Yes, they all looked amazing and I suddenly had a realisation that I might be ‘punching above my weight’ - Of course this doesn’t mean that the beautiful women would be interested in the same people as me but I do think males will be trying their luck and I’ll be an afterthought!
This isn’t to say that all males are as shallow or that they just go for looks but I shouldn’t have looked!

@bangheadhere40 - Any excuse for me to poke myself and make myself feel bad and I’m there!
I did think that my personality would go in my favour but recent events have me doubting myself and trying to get over myself too!
Not to mention that males tend to go for younger females who will be even stiffer competition looks wise!!

I just hope I can pull myself together soon and get on with it!

HairyArsedMan thank you, I think I'm just resigned now to knowing that this is how it's going to be. I'm sure I'll have another try in a month or so when the optimism comes back.

I noticed that about having to pay to see who has viewed you on Pof. You can see their location and age and sometimes it's obvious which profile it is. But I could see enough to know I wasn't getting many views and almost none were local. Pof's algorithms for matches are terrible.

@saltysusan @hairyarsedman once showed me my competition and there were loads of beautiful women too in my town but when I wonder around in my everyday life I don't think I'm as ugly as the online dating websites would suggest I am. I think lots of women put filters on and also old photos and there are catfishes. I managed to date an average of one man a month which I was happy with. Don't forget lots of men put old / flattering photos up too so might also be scared of 'punching above their weight' when choosing a date (sorry I hate that punching idea so much).

I have taken a million selfies trying to work out which angles are most flattering - taken from above my face, looking up with the sun behind me seems to take the wrinkles away!

@EchoElephant have you tried hiding your profile and just searching those local to you? It's all I did on pof and over a 2 week period I messaged about 15, got maybe 4 responses (!), one of which turned into sexting and ghosting, and the other is Mr biology. So not a great hit rate... But I felt a bit more in control. I'm 39 too. Maybe a tricky age? Too early for lots of divorces, and not necessarily wanting the ones who want to settle down with the one? I'd like to think I'm better looking than my selfies too

Thanks to everyone who responsed to my brain dump the other day. It was reassuring to read I'm certainly not alone with being a bit unhinged with new relationships I've calmed down a bit now and am back to questioning if the main attraction is the sex... But time will tell! And that's the opposite issue to my marriage..!

I am now on fab, Tinder and Hinge. Not really looking on fab, more there for the forums.

I've been chatting today to an Iron on Tinder who I chatted to on fab a few months ago. I'm ashamed to say I ghosted him on there, I've no idea why really. Chat is going well but I'm sick of no one being interested in meeting, even socially distanced so I have just told him that if he wants to continue we will need to have a chat on the phone and arrange a date.
I'm going to say that to everyone now after chatting for a day or two. If they don't want to then that's their prerogative but I won't continue chatting. I'm so fed up of guys wanted pen pals

@SaltySusan the first 20 or so will definitely be the most swiped on and messaged women in your area. Unless we're all supermodels in here it's kinda a given that most of us are probably not spotlight ready 24/7. Nor are the men. Don't sweat it and stop going shopping for stabs x

@SaltySusan I advised he would come back but not to reassure you. More for you to prepare how to act when it happens. You shouldn't feel grateful when he does.

@supercali77 told me one of my irons would come back and I was so convinced she was wrong. It took him 2 months but she was right!!

There's something I feel quite strongly about, the ghosting thing, I find it disrespectful and and not necessary. I hate it when an iron does it, and unless they turn out to be an awful person that needs quickly blocked I refuse to do it. I send a nice closure message. I just refuse to get sucked into that horrible bit about OLD, I know it's a numbers game but it's a person at the other end.

So I ask you all to not do it, we are an army of kind respectful people, can we remember that and show it to the end. I know IABU asking you this but if more people stopped doing it the better the OLD experience will be.

Morning everyone.

So it’s 2nd date day with Mr Wollaton. I am excited but a bit nervous! He is really nice and I liked him much more than I expected too. The messaging has delved into more deeper chat and flirting since our first meet too. It’s a picnic in the park and I can’t wait to chill.

Tomorrow evening I’m having a bottle of wine with my oldest male friend. We’ve talked about getting it together in the past but the time wasn’t right. We had a brief fling earlier this year but he said his feelings scared him and he wasn’t ready (going through a divorce) anyway, he’s asked to meet up as friends and I’ve said I’d love to. Let’s call him Mr Business.

I’ll update you all later

@saltysusan I can also confirm PPs comments about the Hinge algorithms. I did wonder where all these stunning looking women had been hiding in my home city but soon realised they spend half the year on yachts in Dubai which is why I'd never seen them 🤣 Once you've carried on swiping the model types disappeared, so unless you've noticed your locsl high street looks like a catwalk every time you go shopping you have no need to worry about the competition 😉
I may have missed it, but why did your iron suddenly mention he was talking to two other women? As others have said, multi-dating and chatting in early stages is very common practice and should be assumed unless told otherwise. I wonder if he realised he may have given the impression you were the only one and decided to come clean?

On the one hand it's good that he told you but if he did give that impression then it's perfectly understandable for you to feel upset and disappointed.
Are you 2nd best if he comes back or did the other woman just push for a date earlier? Bear in mind that everybody you will speak to will have been married or had long term relationships, and will probably already have had plenty of dates good and bad. None of that makes you 2nd choice.
And even if he chose her for a 1st date based on their chat, you can see from this thread that good chat doesn't always translate to a good date 😉

I’m having a wobble and need sense talking into me! So I’ve been chatting to Mr posh for about 6 weeks and are meeting up next week - chat has ranged from friendly chit chat to hot and heavy sexual but never really deep or finding out loads about each other which I was fine with. Then start chatting to Mr BlueEyes last few days and he’s so on my level with loads in common-we’ve chatted on a much deeper level and he’s keen to meet which I hope we will do next week too.
I know I haven’t met either but I feel so guilty chatting to both at the same time even though they could be doing the same! I don’t want to make a big deal out of it but at the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone - I’m overthinking this aren’t I? Like do you tell your irons you are talking to others or is it understood and doesn’t need mentioning? I feel like a teenager two timing her boyfriend tell me I’m being ridiculous

Actually @Ant330 I think your post to saltysusan has answered mine!

@ZoZoBo I felt exactly the same when I first started OLD but yes it is the norm and should be assumed unless told differently.
If you read these threads it is not unusual to have 5 or more text chats going on simultaneously and to arrange 4 or 5 1st dates. You could meet 5 blokes and find only one of them appealing enough for a 2nd date, so only chatting to one at a time makes that a laborious process.
It only becomes difficult if you like more than one of them 😉