Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@SaltySusan lockdown has made this so hard as is normal times you'd have met much earlier. I can totally understand why you are hurt. And I assume the third one came along after he'd started speaking to you and the first woman?

@Notcoolmum Thank you for understanding me. I’ve almost been embarrassed to admit that I’m hurt because people will think that I’m being stupid so your patience has really meant a lot to me.

I’m not sure about the third lady. I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I do know that out of all three of us, our ‘connection’ (don’t think I can say it was a relationship) progressed the fastest and was more intense.

When we first met. He told me that he had difficulty meeting women on dating sites because many of them had trust issues and he felt uncomfortable having to prove that he is genuine again and again. So a lot of his chats with other women tailed off.

I feel so stupid, but I like what I like and I really struggle to ‘pretend’ to myself that I’m interested in somebody I’m not so I tend to want to date one person at a time.

I’m 39 and he’s 38 - Neither of us have ever been married. Maybe that’s a (very judgemental) sign if somebody gets to our age and hasn’t committed yet.

I guess his date will have it sewn up - and that’s why she hasn’t text him so much and has been stand offish with him (according to him) - She sounds very savvy and that she just isn’t going to allow herself to fall for him yet. I need to take a leaf out of her book!

I so wish that I wasn’t over invested. The thought of him on a date kills me! I need some tips on how to manage this.

@SaltySusan I feel ur pain. I would be hurt too after 3 months. I'm the same as u, i can only chat to a few people at the same time for a short time. if i think i like one i find it hard to keep multiple chats going. I try to meet people quickly but that doesnt mean they arent meeting others I guess.

i dont really have any advice. I could probably do with some myself. I feel that I either get invested or I come off as stand offish and they lose interest.

@NoBloodyFighting and @SortingItOut , thank you for your thoughts on Mr Cocky. What you both said is accurate. He has been a back up plan and a constant source of attention for a very long time. I clearly have deep feelings for him although they have never been fully explored. We ended up speaking on the phone in his lunch hour. I was as honest as I could be about why I had taken a step back and what my concerns about our ' friendship ' would be going forward. We had been planning to go for a drink/date before lockdown. This happens extremely rarely. Then lockdown happened, Mr Van came back on the scene and changed the dynamic. I will try to be succinct but today's chat was quite a curve ball. He wants the chance to see me. The obstacle has always been his ( young) adult children who have been deeply hurt by his betrayal of their mom and who he is trying to keep out of any future relationships so as not to unsettle them. But a big change has happened and he has bought his own place which I knew nothing about ( he had been living with his mom ) he's not making any promises but he clearly didn't want me to walk today. And he was more forthcoming about his life then ever before. Which sounds ridiculous given that we have known each other 6 years. Most of our liaisons have taken place in my bedroom. I haven't jumped back into texting him. He said that telling me about his new place felt like a weight off his shoulders. I asked why he didn't just tell me and he couldn't explain it except to say it's how he is. People at work don't even know he is divorced. He's worked there years with the same people !

And whilst I take on board the ' back up plan' idea completely for the time being it's made me feel less emotionally vulnerable where Mr Van is concerned.

I think people who haven't done online dating @SaltySusan really have no idea what it's like. 3 months is a long time to invest in anyone. Had you gone into why he hasn't been in a long relationship.

Honestly don't blame yourself on this. If you'd met up with him I think you'd have had a better feel for how the land lay.

He will likely come back ok strong if you cool off on him. So worth thinking how you want to handle that.

@crazycatlady20 Thank you so much. Your understanding makes me feel better. It’s so hard, I just can’t pretend to myself that I don’t feel anything. My goodness, it’s awful - I already miss speaking to him so, so much! He was in the fabric of my day!

My other friend says that I should patch things up with him but I’d just be kidding myself. I can’t put myself through the torture of standing by while he dates other people. Also, I don’t want him to see me as desperate although the alternative is that at the moment he thinks I don’t like him which is equally as horrible!

I’m not looking forward to riding this one out! I can’t believe that he would give up everything we had between us (despite not having physically met) for a date with somebody else but that just goes to show how I have misjudged our connection. I think I’m going to give the whole dating thing a wide berth. I won’t put myself through this again. I’m just not cut out for somebody with multiple women on the go, but that seems to be the norm around dating. I don’t think I’m wrong to not want that. I just have to admit that it’s not for me! Thanks again. So sad tonight! Feel like such a fool!

Hi everyone. Went back on OLD last week and joining you all for the first time

Already reminding me how dire it is but trying not to take it too seriously.

@SaltySusan hello....I haven't posted for a little while but felt compelled to comment. I don't think you were on the board back when I posted a lot ( sorry everyone) about a similar situation. I was speaking all day every day to a man for 3 months. I felt our connection was intense etc...eventually did meet him and still felt the same but he has always had an issue with me due to the distance between us. I just wanted to say it's not stupid at all how you are feeling, and I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

I haven't mentioned the guy in months on here as after our meet he went a bit cold, he always told me I was too far away, we kept in touch though, I tried to move on and go on dates, he tried as well. Just before lockdown he said he had a change of heart and thought we could give it a go.....we have continued to chat but haven't met now for 5 months....been chatting for 8 months, daily apart from the 2/3 weeks I just left it.

I really really tried to not talk to him, and I have been on other dates as suggested on here but my heart is just not in it at all, still, maybe I've just not met anyone else I felt as at ease with !!!!! I have no idea what will happen and if he is serious about this now, but I'm trying to take it with a pinch of salt and am in no way as into him as I was.

It's horrible :-( I would always in future meet up really early, and if they don't want to then just let go. You aren't a fool though, I assumed I was the only person he was chatting to at the beginning but I wasn't. I can see if you get in touch you will just be hurting yourself further, I think it's best to leave him be and don't do to yourself what I have over the months, if he changes his mind he will let you know.

Hi everyone sorry I haven’t posted for a while I need to catch up on the thread!! How is everyone doing?

Some advice - how do we cope with having more than one iron on the go. Me electric who I’ve been friends with for years has become a bit of a constant in my life over the last few weeks to a point where we are now dtd 3/4 times a week. Neither of us have broached the subject of what it means or whether it’s just a fwb type thing. I find it rather difficult to separate that from our friendship since it was already established. Then I have mr Irish who I’ve spoken to for a couple weeks and who has made it very clear he wants to meet. I don’t know if I feel guilty, should I? I know I feel like I’m somehow two timing them both even though I’m not in a relationship with either. Help?!

@Notcoolmum Thank you again for all your help and your wise words today.

I think he was in a relationship for a couple of years but that ended a couple of years ago. I didn’t ask him why, I just assumed that not all relationships work out but with hindsight, I maybe should have clarified this.

I don’t think I’ll hear from him again, although I am so sad about that as we had really good conversations! But he is very attractive so I should think that he won’t be short on offers and the only way will be forwards for him.

Also, he thinks that I have fallen out with him. I wasn’t rude at all but I should imagine he will be too proud to contact me again and I can’t speak to him or he’ll think I’m desperate, even though I do understand dating multiple people is the usual way it goes, I just can’t get past the idea of him chatting like we did and that he wants to do that with others.

Also, I’m ashamed to say that we had exchanged photos during lockdown (and videos) as I really stupidly trusted him. This is also why this has hit me harder than I would have hoped.

@bangheadhere40 Hello and thank you very much for taking the time to message me, I’m so sorry to hear that the same thing has happened to you but it’s reassuring to know that it’s not just me, although I wouldn’t wish it on you at all.

Yes, I’m going to try to avoid messaging him. I’ll struggle though, your story really helps. I know I seem quite obsessed with him but I’m just sad that somebody who I had become very close to and confided in proved to be somebody very different. Definitely a learning curve for me!

Trying to keep busy now so my texting fingers don’t get busy!!

I hope that the other two ladies are better at this than me - I don’t see how they can be much worse! So maybe this is the best thing for us all.

He will be back @SaltySusan they always come back!! So decide how you want to handle that would be my advice.

@SaltySusan
You will feel hurt for quite some time, when you emotionally invest in someone and then find out what you had wasnt what you thought it hits you hard.

Take time to get over it and never dismiss your feelings.

Sometimes it can feel worse when you've sent photos and videos because it's very intimate and you generally wouldnt do that for everyone so clearly you trusted him.

I do wonder whether he led you on enough to make you feel part of his life so you would send photos and videos?
Not all men are like that but quite a few are unfortunately.

I know lockdown is only now easing but a lot of people are managing socially distanced dating and it makes me wonder why you hadnt met up in the last 2 or 3 weeks despite the distance.

OLD is all about learning and if you can take some lessons from this experience it wont have been in vain

@SaltySusan multiple 'chatting' prior to sex and exclusivity as others have said is the norm, and generally absolutely fine in a non lockdown situation because you meet within about a week, you've barely any time to form a strong emotional attachment. The way to think of it is that the first meeting is the interview for the initial post of partner. Prior to that it's basically... I like your face and your CV/ working out the logistics of meeting. I think many of us have been caught out in a situation where you can't meet for a while and forming a connection online (it once took a month to meet someone as he was a sailor, we were not a good match in real life). Looking further afield makes sense in some ways but doesn't for the reasons above. It takes longer to meet. Forging a connection = time spent together and distance makes it harder.

Also, I can't stress this enough notcoolmum is correct. They always come back. Its a bit of a running joke if you've dated for a while.

Thank you again @Notcoolmum and @SortingItOut - You have really helped me get through today. Thank you for helping me to believe that I’m not as silly as I thought for feeling bereft. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing but he’d helped me cope during Lockdown so I really valued hearing from him.

Just to explain that the photos were my fault. He was initially not interested in sending stuff but we got talking one night and one thing led to another. He was very much not pushing for them though.

Also to explain that we hadn’t yet met as my work has been full on and so I was limited on time but we would have had to use public transport which was not available for anything but essential travel. Ironically we had just arranged (this weekend) to meet for the first time in July.

My son says that I’ve made a mistake and that I’m not cut out for dating and ‘Dater’ was genuinely surprised that I had an issue with it, but I just couldn’t sit by and accept that he was out on a date. It would be hard enough as it is not knowing the details! My son thinks that I have pushed him into the arms of the other ladies by disappearing and not making myself available. I just can’t do that though. I’d be too upset!

Thank you so much again and I’m sorry for all the long messages.

supercali77 - Thank you so much for your good advice and for taking the time to post it, I really do appreciate it.

I see that dating multiple people at once is very much the usual way of things. Think I need to grow a thick skin or stop dating altogether.

He was so shocked when I said I wasn’t happy and couldn’t see us continuing. I think he told me in a way that he thought it was fine, like he just dropped it into the conversation but then apologised and asked if I was angry, so he must have wondered what reception he would get. Initially I was so shocked that I didn’t say much and he was relieved and said ‘As long as you’re not angry’ but then I was miffed after the news had settled in!

I’ll think about what to say if he does come back but I really don’t think he will. He’s very good looking (I’m biased but he is!) so he certainly doesn’t need to. I should think he will have lots of other options. I know he liked me but maybe after today when I told him to go, not so much.

If he does come back, it will be a miracle and I will make sure that I let you all know! But I don’t think he will need to at all, sadly.

Thank you again for everything - Lesson well and truly learned!

@SaltySusan it won't be a miracle. It's standard. The important thing is how you react. You going cold on him will make him chase you.

@bangheadhere40 do you think you can get what you need from your mr too far away?

Hi notcool...I do, if what he is saying will happen actually comes to fruition. At the moment though it's all words and no action.

I don't want to throw away what could be a good opportunity but looking how it is in real time now no. I'm conflicted as there has been corona etc so has affected things, as has other badly timed incidents that have happened for us both.

I'm really not sure, but don't want to be 'betting on potential ', even though all the reasons are justified.

I would have been upset too. It’s so hard though when you haven’t had ‘the chat’. I’ve been talking to Mr Return for over 8 weeks and it’s only recently anything has progressed from friendship if either of us had confessed to chatting to others I think we would have been upset but I did consider it to be honest when I had no clue when anything would progress. I think you can never assume anything with OLD, it really has to be discussed openly as you can assume you are doing one thing only to be shocked when the other person has completely different intentions!

So on Ms Jams advice I sent a reach out but if needs be an option to close off message to Mr Music.

He said he wasn't ghosting me, just felt it was too intense too quickly. Fair enough to feel like that. And he has got a lot of shit on just now that probably adds to it. But it's been 9 days since we last spoke, so hardly intense.

I'm feeling that even though I really liked him and the spark was amazing and yes it probably was intense as we both felt it, this is going to be too much hard work and I should let it go.

I've just asked I'm how he's doing in response but I have also archived the chat.

I feel a bit ill so I guess I'm staying in and away from people, which is Sod's law as it's now my 5 days child free and have loads of irons to meet....

@cravingthelook, how frustrating that you are feeling under the weather just at the point where you want to be in top form ! Maybe it's just a passing thing ? fingers crossed. If you have got a bit of time on your hands I would love to understand how the polyamorous relationships work for you and those that you are involved with. It's probably the most basic and obvious thing but I think I would be jealous of their other partners. I know I am always talking about juggling a few irons but for the most part that's keeping my options open. Ultimately I would love to find one person who gave me everything- emotionally and physically- that I hope for.

talking of which, Mr Cocky has invited me to his this evening !! I am trying to keep things in perspective but my bits keep throbbing intensely at the thought of it - sorry if that's TMI

Can anyone explain what this message means?
Matched on Tinder about 3wks ago. Been chatting every day since. Not loads, just a few messages a day.
I asked him if he wanted to meet last weekend. He was non-comittal. And then just carried on chatting as normal.
Yesterday I sent a message saying, thanks for the chat but I was deleting Tinder and wanted to find someone who was interested in dating, not just online penpals. And I wished him good luck.
He replied " Well I didn't think we'd actually started chatting but whatever. Good luck finding whatever it is you want"

Eh??

echo...is he taking chatting to mean literal ' talking' rather than online messaging.

Either way doesn't really sound like he's worth the effort.

@SaltySusan don't for a second assume he didn't realise that this might generate a bit of jealousy/miffedness especially since you'd both spoken every night. Pre meeting up, unless asked directly, I wouldn't dream of mentioning other dates to someone without knowing that actually it could turn them cold/jealous/upset. No-one is naieve enough not to recognise this as a strong possibility. So.....bear it in mind when he comes back (because he will). The fact is that ita a delicate balancing act. You really don't need to toughen up.....you just need to be strategic. Knowing yourself....make sure you meet fast, get cards on the table early, and never get emotionally involved over text. That can be as simple as just not replying very often or not getting into long chata before meeting.

@EchoElephant can't be totally sure but I think 'chatting' these days might mean having sex with?? Either way he's talking crap. You called him on being all online and he's decided to make it about your definition of chatting rather than his reluctance to meet irl

All well here had some “okay but not crazy about them” meets

This whole social distancing thing is quite interesting - it’s like I’m not inclined to meet “MIGHT be ok” guys as I think walking round a park with no alcohol and someone pretty dull is my idea of hell.

Maybe it’s an age thing as well, but definitely inclined to be more discerning - even a tiny red flag or and I’m swiftly blocking or ignoring with no explanation.

I think out of lockdown I’d be a bit more FOMO socially (as in if someone is suggesting the theatre or a ceilidh I might think “meh, why not?” but I only want to go for a sober walk with people where I’m like YES they are promising)

Plus, I don’t want my WhatsApp full of long winded “how’s your day” messages with slightly dull guys I went on one meet with

I mean I’m not having any dating goals this year really so not in a hurry.

Definitely finding the pace and tone of bumble and tinder needs adjusting to

you sort of work through lots of people quicker and take things a bit less seriously (and expect people are doing the same for you).

Hope threadies well it’s nice reading all the good updates