Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Misty9
I feel the same as you, mine is fear of bring hurt.
I am 2 years out of an emotionally abusive marriage of 17 years so I've got my barriers up very high and the thought of lowering them fills me with dread.

Most of the time I'm completely fine with what i have with the guy I'm with and i just think that if its doesnt work out I've had a really great time and i wont regret it.

Other times i wonder what he sees in me, and i think my life is so monotonous compared to his yet he loves my lifestyle and he seems to really care about me.
Occasionally we have a deep chat and i will ask him why he's even with me and he will just say he thinks I'm amazing and have a great life and he likes being part of it.
(Weve been seeing each other 9 months though and part of that was as FB so i was probably more open about my marriage than i would normally have been so he understands i get wobbly still about things and think I'm not good enough)

God, dating is so hard, I find it hard to give myself openly to someone because i dont want to be hurt but when do you start actually believing it's real?

[OFFICIOUS POST]
Just a reminder to everyone that if you tag someone using this symbol - @ please ensure you have their username correct including capital letters and numbers otherwise you might tag someone from the gardening thread on this dating thread!!!

Alternatively if you want to bold their name then you need a star (*) at each end of the name, this can be shortened or call them whatever you like.

Putting someone's name in bold does not tag them and so they wont get a notification.

@Misty9 I can completely relate to you. I have had so many wobbles over the last year, Mr R is a funny man with so many stories and interesting experiences that I wonder why he likes me. I think we were probably both a bit emotionally unavailable when we met - although I didn’t realise I was - and so things have gone relatively slowly but we’re now honest with each other and I feel more confident in myself and of course he finds me attractive and interesting. Lockdown hasn’t really helped because i’ve been unable to do my hobbies so I have really needed his communications and I have felt quite neglected by my smug married friends who haven’t bothered to check up on me.

Things are going well with Mr Wollaton :) He seems so genuine (but It’s still early days, I know) We have had some great chats, lots of flirting, a deep and meaningful one evening which really put my mind at ease about my son and we are going for a picnic on Wednesday. I am so excited but nervous too! I wasn’t nervous the first time we met but I didn’t think I’d like him as much as I do. I think it’s because he’s hinted at not being worried about SD next time we meet. Is it stupid I’m worried about kissing him?! My ex was a terrible kisser and only got worse when things got steamy 🤢😑 so I feel it could be icky if he’s not. I am over thinking this aren’t I?

Happy Monday everyone. I have been reading along and loving all the updates from your dates and relationships. So glad to see that for the most part we're able to get out a bit more and some degree of normal service has been resumed- or at least optimistic that we are getting there.
As usual my brain is dragged in several different directions. I seem to be able to change my mind or what I think I want about 6 times a day. Mr Van was here yesterday for dinner and stayed over. I am massively fond of him. He plays his cards a bit close to his chest although I think some of that is a degree of shyness or maybe on paper our lives/backgrounds are a bit mismatched. I wish I could fully trust that he is as into me as I am with him.
Mr Cocky has emailed me this morning asking what i want going forward with him. I started a reply but it got a bit heavy so didn't send anything. Now he has just whatsapped asking why I haven't replied. I always struggle with the prospect that what we have shared is coming to an end and try to convince myself that I am cool with just being FB/FWB. But after 6 years there is way too much emotional involvement, probably more on my part than his.
Undecided what to do with the other irons bobbling around, new and old. Wait and review I guess. Think I need to be a few more weeks in with Mr Van of seeing him again.

Hi all. Quick update re MrExtreme. Had a lovely message this morning but it was pointing out obvious that we are at different points in life that just wont match due to our circumstances. Pleased he actually told me before things went any further.

Am still chatting with a couple of irons and matched with a new one yesterday which seems promising

Loads of great updates on this thread.
I’m chatting to Mr Posh over a month and we get on fine have arranged to meet and some of our chats have been so hot that I’m excited to meet him. I’ve also started to chatting to Mr Blueeyes and he seems lovely really interested in me loads in common and had a great call where we discussed loads of stuff about our marriage breakdowns (v similar circumstances) etc just nice:) my dilemma is they are opposites one Mr P wants something light FWB type of thing and Mr B wants a partner to settle down with. He is 3 years out of his marriage I am not quite 1 out of mine, first foray into dating I don’t know what I want! I don’t think what either of them are offering is what I want- somewhere is between would be nice!
anyway my plan is meet both in the next week or 2 and see where it goes- there could be nothing with either and I’ll be back swiping

I went out with Mr Snake and his dd yesterday, had a lovely time but I’m finding him a bit too full on, he texts non stop and I’m feel a bit suffocated. Today I have told him I’m really busy and won’t be able to text much, also he is seeing his DS today so thought I would leave him to spend time with his kids but he’s still texting. I have been single on and off for 5 years and I’m kind of happy spending most of my time in my own or with my dc’s, I’m not in a rush to see anyone more than once a week but he’s like an excited puppy. We have loads in common and there’s a connection but i think he’s feeling it more than I am.mhopw do I tell him to calm it down a bit?

Sorry I don't post a lot, but I enjoy reading your updates and do follow the thread (background: been with MrC approx 10m, ups and downs but mainly up!). Lockdown has been hard but we seem to be hanging on and a bit stronger now than when I had a wobble a couple of weeks ago.
I found the discussions around poly relationships really interesting and although it's not for everyone, it might be for me.
Onesmallstep could you be hedging your bets a little? I can see/remember that Mr Cocky has been a constant in your life for a long time and from what I gather he helped you to pick up the pieces and put yourself back together, so he feels like a bit of "safe".. You might find it easier to let him go if you knew with any certainty that things would go well with Mr Van. But I'm not sure that's totally fair on Mr Cocky, being a back up plan of sorts. I think it's slightly different when we juggle multiple irons in the early stages.
Hope that makes sense and I've understood your situation. It'll be hard to let Mr Cocky go but if you haven't made a go of it in 6 years, will you ever?

Hello Everybody!

Please could I join you? I’m a very long time lurker, just getting brave enough to step out into the world of contributing on here!
If I’m honest, I could really use your advice too, please?

So I’ve been talking to a man on Hinge for three months - He’s not on any of the other popular dating sites that I know of.

He was very cautious about speaking to me at first. I took this as a positive sign. I’ve been incredibly hurt in the past (not sure if dating this way is ideal for me because of that!) but I thought that this was a sign that he was careful and maybe quite choosy, so a sign he would be loyal.

Also, I felt that Hinge had a slightly different ‘feel’ to it, more for those looking for a commitment?!

We’ve been speaking for a while, constantly which made me think that he would be exclusive to me as he wouldn’t have time to chat to others.

I felt that we really connected! We had loads in common and I always looked forward to hearing from him. He was so interesting, funny, kind - At least this is how he appeared.

We live a way away from each other (he lives in the South of England and I’m Midlands) so we hadn’t met up but had regularly video chatted and were exchanging photos (just).

All well until this morning and I couldn’t believe my luck that I’d found somebody who I really liked and that seemed, quite frankly, brilliant!

So this morning he tells me that he has a date with another woman who he has been chatting to before we met. He’s never met her in person either. Oh and there’s another woman as well. Again, he hasn’t met her. They’ve just been chatting.

I’m the first of us to know that he is speaking to others. I’m actually trying to kid myself that I’m not gutted. My fault as I put all my eggs in one basket which I know is the first rule of dating not to. I find it really hard as I’m naturally somebody that only wants one connection at a time.

I feel so sorry for the other lady who is unaware that there has been other ladies - She met him before I did apparently. Maybe she won’t care. I’m obviously a bit jealous of her too! But not in a way that I feel any animosity towards her.

He says that he hasn’t got time to chat to one lady at a time because it will take too long for him to find somebody. He says that there is no issue because he’s just chatting (and now dating her) but that he should only have to tell us that their are others and be honest when things get more serious.

I guess this is right and I know that I am probably over reacting and need to understand that he made no promises to me but I really thought that we were on to something and it was to me (stupidly) more than talking.

I’m trying not to be upset (it’s only been months) but I feel so sad and that I’ve lost a friend in him.

I’ve stopped speaking to him. I know I need to move on. I just can’t stop thinking about him and how naive I’ve been. I’m even thinking I should have hung around until he had his date in case they didn’t work out, which goes against everything I have believed in.

Not sure what I’m asking for really, just a reminder that some men are speaking to others. I know this is acceptable but I’m so gutted! Thank you for reading.

@Lovemusic33
Going out with him and his DD seems pretty serious to me, I didnt think you'd known each other very long?

He clearly thinks you are way more into him than you actually are and you've got different communication styles.

You've told him you're busy and he's still texting, just dont text him back until this evening.

I would just say that you would like to tone down the amount of messages because you dont have time for that many every day, make it clear what you find acceptable and maybe meet in the middle with regard to texting if you like him.

@Onesmallstep67
I think the same as nobloodyfighting, Mr Cocky was there and supported you after your husband died so you will always have a deep connection but I think you've wanted more but he cant or wont give you that.

People are in our lives for a reason, season or lifetime - maybe the season with him is ending?

I think you would feel better about saying goodbye to Mr Cocky if you knew what Mr Van thought of you.

I think you should reply to Mr Cocky to say you're still thinking about what you want and if you want clarification on what he has available for you then ask those questions now as they will help you make up your mind hopefully.

@Slothmomma
As hard as it is to hear that it is good that he was honest and didnt ghost or slow fade you.

There will be someone out there willing to accept your different life stage or even be at the same life stage.

@SaltySusan
Its a good reminder of the rules on the first post, dont invest emotionally too soon and it's not real until it happens.

We've had loads of discussions on here before about men who chat for months and never want to meet up, some just like a one pal but if you want to date it's no good and that's why we encourage meeting quickly in case you dont like them in real life and you're not emotionally invested.

Everyone should definitely assume that the people they're talking to are also talking to others and until you actually have the exclusive chat you cant say anything.

Realistically would this have worked if you live so far apart, when were you planning on meeting?
Even if he is nice there are hopefully nice people in your area which is much better logistically.

sortingitout yes I'm glad he was honest - so unlike nearly every other guy I've dated unfortunately. Hope he finds someone more suited as hes a lovely man. My newest iron has just asked to see me my next childfree time so a walk in park has been arranged for wed evening 😁

Thank so much, @SortingItOut - We had plans to meet as I travel to his area a lot with work but we were waiting for Lockdown to ease.

I’m so, so fussy, believe it or not (after this episode !) so I have been looking further afield - I live quite rurally so have to travel a bit anyway and thought it would be easier to not have somebody right on my door step if things went wrong, which is one good thing here.

I’m more sad than I should be, I know that but he really seemed great and I was just allowing myself to like him more.

At least I haven’t had to make the effort to meet him. Hopefully the lady he is meeting won’t be as keen as me or she will be much more astute and expect him to be seeing others so won’t be upset. I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I try not to, I really do.

Maybe online dating isn’t for me. In my defence, there were so many points that he gave me the impression we were exclusive. Onwards and upwards but so hard when we were chatting so much last night and this morning when all the while he was keeping others chatting too - Not sure when he would have had time!

I’m so scared about getting hurt again.

When he told me about the lady he is dating this week, I thought that he was going to cancel it! How silly was that!

@Lovemusic33 tell him gently. Get the communication right at the start, or it's doomed.

@NoBloodyFighting happy to talk Poly life with you, not that I have it all figured out yet.

@SaltySusan - at the chatting stage, it's perfectly normal to be chatting to multiple people. Please understand that's how OLD works.

@SaltySusan I've always chatted to more than one man at a time. And usually dated more than one until it gets to the point of making a choice. I've been open with the men I talk to about that. I wouldn't put my eggs in one basket of a man I've never met (and may never meet). I don't think your man did anything wrong. And he told you when he was going on a date with someone. It is an unpleasant side of dating of you are ok the receiving end and not playing by the same rules.

I didn't really want to meet his dd that soon, I thought he would just tell her that I was his friend but nope. I don't plan on him meeting my dd's any time soon.

Eek @Lovemusic33 how old is his dd and how did he introduce you?

She’s 11, I joined them at the beach (went rock pooling), it was his idea, I suggested it might be too early and he then said he had already told his dd about me and she was ok with meeting me. We did have a good time and I got on well with his dd but I still feel it’s a bit soon and won’t be introducing him to my dc’s (who are little bit older with SN’s). He’s already trying to arrange seeing me next weekend even though I have told him that I’m not sure if I have child free time that coincides with his free time. It’s a shame as I do like him, he’s really interesting and we have loads in common but if he carries on the way he is I will soon get fed up as I like my own space.

@cravingthelook and @Notcoolmum Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate them.

Okay so my best friend and my son (who is 20) have both said that I have over reacted and been a bit hypercritical (because I was chatting to two men at once last year) - And I agree that I have been naive and that I probably shouldn’t be dating this way as I’ve been heart broken fairly recently so I’m not emotionally strong.

Having said that, he really did allow me to think that we were exclusive, which I know it’s down to me to do my checks to ensure that I’m not left open to this. I miss chatting to him. I wondered if I should get in touch with him and apologise for being upset, although I was very good and told him I was disappointed but not just how badly.

My friend says absolutely not - If he liked me, he would have cancelled the date and I need to move forwards or be even more hurt. She thinks that he’s just playing the field and enjoying the attention and that he’s entitled to do this.

I understand (now) that this is now dating works - It’s quite brutal! I have got myself involved way to quickly.

Should I just leave this poor guy alone now? Don’t know if I should be hanging around at all. He’ll probably just find somebody else. Is it right to think that most men on dating websites are just out for what they can get?

Thank you for all the positive stories and for giving me hope! I need to get over myself, I know.

@SaltySusan he hasn't met you so how does he know if he likes you. Or you him? I'm intolerant of shitty behaviour but chatting to several people before going on dates is quite normal I think. It seems like you have over invested in this man when really you don't know he is all the things you ascribed to him based on chatting without meeting.

I don't think you want to talk to someone who is multi dating so he probably isn't for you. And he isn't as invested as you our he wouldn't have carried on chatting to others and arranging dates.

Online dating can be a bit brutal. It definitely pays to have a tough skin. And to be level headed.

@Lovemusic33 I don't think I'd have met his kid unless I was keen. It definitely takes things to a different level. In my mind early dating is just about us adults.

Thank you @Notcoolmum, you are absolutely right - I just needed it spelling out as I couldn’t see it (or I was kidding myself!). It’s a shame because we spent so much time video chatting, messaging, etc. at all hours of the day and night so I think I (mistakenly) believed that he was investing. I don’t know how he managed to fit the other ladies in!!
Thank you though, this really helps. My brain has been foggy but I’m beginning to see it more clearly (thank goodness!)