Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Secretsout, I think it's fine to say you are looking for those things in a man. I have seen a lot of profiles where the man says something like, "I'm professional, financially secure and am looking for someone in similar position".

Oh thank you so much twinkle, I'm so inexperienced with this. My (married) best friend said I was being unreasonable and too picky but I feel I'm being honest.

I mean this with no disrespect whatsoever but there's no point in me going on a date with a 'bin man' because they are unlikely to have similar standards and views as me. (I really don't want that to sound snobby at all because I'm not)

@30somethingandstillsingle

I'm from East Anglia and was on Fab looking for men 30 - 45!!!

Clearly our pool would have been the same.

I'm kind of coupled up with a guy from Fab now so my profile is hidden.

@Secretsout

When you have to say I'm not being judgemental but.....and I know that sounds snobby but I'm not - you know you're being snobby and judgemental because you preface it with that.

It was only a few days ago there was a discussion on classes and respecting everyone.

What if a bin man does have similar views to you? Would you overlook him because he doesnt have a professional job?

Its fine to put on your profile what you want but I think you'll struggle to find many people who meet your criteria on the mainstream dating sites, a matching agency sounds better and generally they arent a few thousand.

I think @SimonJT met his partner through an agency so he might have some hints and tips

@SortingItOut Haha, small world really.

I have another iron too, I'll call him Mr Smiles. However, I'm not sure he will last long as he has just refused my invitation to chat on the phone, stating he doesn't like to speak on the phone

Mr American is super chatty today, he's been trying to get a video call out of me, but we're going to speak on the phone again first.

Mr W, ughhh, frustrating as hell. Lovely messages, lovely to talk to on the phone... but I just want a bloody date!

@Secretsout I'm with @SortingItOut, to say someone doesn't have the same standards and outlook as you because they are a bin man is indeed judgemental and snobby.

Thank you dancemom and sortingitout. I've probably not articulated myself very well and I'm sorry if it's caused offence.

@Twinkleinyoureye OkCupid just shows you who likes you if you pay, it won't increase the number of profiles you can browse. Unfortunately what you see is what you get. Slightly guilty confession - there are some fascinating and well written profiles on there and I quite like reading them even though they are miles away.

@YulbrynnersTpupee (hope I've remembered that properly) there's a thread on Reationships about self-esteem:love with many ideas which you may have seen ? Forgiving yourself helps because I would bet you forgive others much more than you would yourself.

@dancemom tell us more

@crazycatlady20 I'm not a fan of the unreliable sorts turning back up months later hence I tend to block once I've made a choice that they're pissing about (I have a short memory so end up slipping back into things and like clockwork, I realise why it ended to begin with). Here's what I'd say. If someone unreliable is trying to get your attention and you meet a nice chatty respectful person....give the second person the priority. Realistically so far they haven't let you down/messed you around unlike the first. And no, I wouldn't tell old unreliable so they up their game, if you feel you have to do that, something is off. He either comes correctly or he's back for part 2 of arsing about

Afm I am still ridiculously single. I've blocked everyone from the past. Cold turkey in lockdown, not exactly 'fun'. But it is peaceful, I'm not sure my adrenal glands could take much more (all my own choices). Actually there is one old iron (via a friend) I still talk to. Funny you know I dropped things with him to pursue an unreliable and disrespectful man. And this guy went and found a nice girlfriend. I could kick myself now.

@HairyArsedMan
Thank you. I havent seen that thread so will check it out.

OK, thanks Hairy, I just don't think there's enough choice on there for my liking 😁 but I agree, some of the profiles are more interesting than on, say, pof.

@supercali77 thanks. I usually do move on if I think im being messed around but this guy is different and I too have a short memory. I think ur advice is what I thought in my head. im not sure how long to give him to prove himself. I actually met unreliable last night and thought he'd go quiet but has text this morning but def gonna let him take the lead and not suggest any meets or anything. I def need to read the fallback girl book I think.

I told the new iron that an old iron had popped up so dont feel like I'm hiding too much from him (it would be unreliable I felt like I was hiding stuff from). he still seems keen to meet

So I had 2 dates last night. Yes I know 😂😂

Mr Pizza, such a nice guy, weirdly same age as Mr Music but seems so much younger, just not had the same life experiences. He likes me but that's clouding the fact that he ultimately wants to settle down. I'm past all that. I told him kindly and honestly. I don't think he listened, that shows a level of immaturity that will help me to be firm.

Mr Developer, way more life experienced, smart, kind, articulate, great company and that in itself is attractive. Good looking bloke and very successful, but he's let himself go a little physically and that is putting me off a bit. Which is a bit hypocritical as I'm not in the best shape of my life (not completely given up though). I think ultimately he also wants to find 'the one'. I'd go out with him again, his company is fantastic but if we do I'd need to be using it to assess really what I want/need. This is of course dependent of he wants to go out with me again 😁 I think he's more likely to make an objective assessment of our compatibility.

I've a date tonight, I initially thought this would be good but the more we chat the more he focuses on sex, now I'm a very sexual person, but I want a mental connection first. I'll call him Mr Bike.

Mr filthy has dropped off a bit but I've let him, he came off as a bit arrogant and I can't be arsed.

I've a few more matches to explore.

I know I've said this before, but I really think I must have the wrong face for OLD.
I've been on POF and tinder for 3 weeks and I'm getting nothing. I had 2 matches on tinder at the beginning but they fizzled out. I've tried the 1mile trick and it shows me maybe three people a week. But they are miles and miles away.

I've revamped my POF profile but it's made no difference. No one is even looking at my profile to read what it says. I think I've had 5 views in the last 48 hours. And they were from the other end of the country plus a 71 yr old. So no one local is looking at me.

I don't know what else to do. I've had breaks, tried new photos, new profiles, different apps. Always the same results.
I wish there was a magic dating fairy out there that could tell me why this happens.

@EchoElephant, it's difficult isn't it when you feel like you are putting yourself out there and not getting the hoped for responses. I thought that you had met a couple of guys recently? Sometimes you have to sit tight and have faith. I know I have felt in the past ' when would it be my turn ?' But it only takes that one special person to come along. And that is both the joy and pain of dating, you just never know if it'll be today. I wish I had some clever tips or definite reassurance to offer. What are you hoping to find ? Do your pictures show off your best assets ? Many men are visual learners ! I have no blurb whatsoever with my Tinder profile because it was put together so hastily. I am 53, short and curvy ( more than curvy) my profile pic is just my face but the one that gets most likes is one where I have hardly any make up, wearing my glasses. The clincher in that shot is probably because you can see a bit of cleavage and I am wearing a nightie. It's not actually a 'sexy' pic at all but it must have something that appeals. I am not suggesting that you post any pics that you are not comfortable with or don't reflect your personality or preferences though.

Onesmallstep67 thank you for your kind words
I've been trying to keep the faith for 6 years now. Met one person that I had a 9mth relationship with. Otherwise it been a series of one off dates with men that I don't fancy and have nothing in common with.

My last date was with Mr Big Shirt, who was shorter than he said. And shorter than me. We got on well enough but I just didn't fancy him.

Before that I met someone on Fab. But he wanted someone with a different level of kink to me.

I know what you're saying about having the right photo. I have some that show my figure. I'm tall and slim. My main one is a smiling face shot, tiny amount of cleavage.
The photos are obviously where I'm going wrong.
My fab profile shows my cleavage & I have no problem getting interest on there.

Echo it sounds like you are covering your options and are open to a variety of dating scenarios. I think someone mentioned that Fab had gone quiet, I can't comment because apart from one brief dip into that pool I am not a user. And not been on Tinder very much during lockdown as I have been wrestling my own issues with 2 or 3 established irons.
I have been having a couple of days a bit at odds with my feelings but some great advice yesterday on here and feeling less hassled today. I find this thread a source of empowering support/validation of our feelings and needs. And all the anecdotal stories of the twists and turns of dates proves that none of us in in this alone, we're all just pretty much muddling through !

@ZoZoBo he's just lovely! I can talk to him, he listens to me and I just really enjoy his company. I'm trying not to over invest too much and just enjoy it as it comes though!

[quote dancemom]@ZoZoBo he's just lovely! I can talk to him, he listens to me and I just really enjoy his company. I'm trying not to over invest too much and just enjoy it as it comes though! [/quote]
Aw that is so nice and hope inducing keep enjoying it :)
I’ve arranged my first date for 2 weeks time when places open up here so I’m nervous/excited! Hoping it goes ahead firstly and secondly that we have some kind of connection..I’m really liking our chats so hopefully it translates in person:)

@crazycatlady20 cool well just a note re:hiding. Absolutely NOBODY you've just started talking to has a right to know a thing about your personal business. Letting him know is kindly intended but it might either get him over keen to prove himself or not bothering. Either way you've a rught to privacy from both men. Sleeping together well that's a judgement call before monogamy is brought up. But talking only its nobody's business

I've joined tinder and got 42 matches and talking to a couple, two seem like possibles, but not sure how to ask how tall one is?

@Oopsiedaisyy how about, "how tall are you?"

That's what my ex said, but yes 6ft so doesn't mind being asked