Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I've got a happy update: I decided to see Mr biology again as we got on so well (I hadn't felt much of a spark at our first meeting)... And the attraction has most definitely grown we've bubbled up (the new term for dating?!) and spent the last few days together. Matching our child free time will be tricky, but we're both clear we are happy and excited to see what develops from here.

My dating history has been to seek out the thunderbolts and fanny flutters from the word go. But it generally ends badly and attracts arseholes... So I figured I needed to do something different to have any hope of a different outcome. And I'm very glad I did

Sorry, @Onesmallstep67 I started writing my post ages before I posted it... I think you've answered your own question with your last sentence: not one single guy is currently giving me what I need.
You said about needing or wanting that attention, something I can totally relate to, but how kind are you to yourself? It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking some attention is better than none - I've done it many times - but ultimately you know it's not meeting your needs. And your needs are important

@Onesmallstep67. My musings for what they are worth..

1. Mr Van - it's amazing how many men can treat you like a mate from the pub, but when they're on a promise, they manage to produce just enough emotional intelligence to convince you there might be a bit more to them. There usually isn't. You must absolutely be yourself - do not quash your thoughts or opinions for fear he might drop you. If he does, so what - he's not the one for you. Sounds like you need to have a chat (if you've not already about whether you are FWB or potential to be something more).

1. MrPhotography - if you'd been that into him neither of you would be looking for other people. I think you have a case of feeling a bit rejected that he wants to make a go of it with someone else, rather than being upset that it's him doing it - he could have been anyone. You'd feel rejected whoever it was, that's absolutely natural - we all want to be the one doing the dumping - no one wants to be the dumped one cast aside as "not the one for me". You say you've got lots of time on your hands and an over thinker. This is a bad combo. Get busy, but how you have the time do that with all the messaging with....

...3. MrCocky, I don't know - didn't you post a couple of weeks ago how relieved you felt when you ended things? What happened to start things up again - was it you or him that restarted things, and even if it was him, you don't have to engage with him just to be polite! Tell him you're having a digital detox or something and mute him for a while.

As always if you have an idea of what you are actually looking for you're much more likely to find it.

It's like going food shopping when you're hungry - always a bad idea - you'll end up with a load of unsatisfying irons stuff that's bad for you that you regret the next day...

@30somethingandstillsingle in East Anglia aswell. I'm sure it's not the same one. Need to find out what time Mr USA wants to meet tomorrow.

Mr Smile is the favourite iron at the moment. I'm really looking forward to meeting him on Friday.

I suppose this is kind of OLD related. I’ve got 17&15 year olds, they see me as mum and not a woman (if that makes sense). I’ve been seeing a tinder date for 4 months now, and I have said I have been on dates with him but now that there’s no pubs open I’ve been embarrassed to say I’ve been to his house. I’m embarrassed about them knowing I’m having sex, scared they’ll think I’m leaving them (their dad deserted them a few months ago for the OW), and just doubting myself whether I’m allowed to have a life. What have you all done about staying over (at his, when he doesn’t have his child)?

@Misty9 and @JeSuisPrest, thank you for taking the time to respond.

I wish I was just a bit stronger at times and could apply to my own life some of the clarity I seem to be able to offer others when they turn to me in need. Mr Photography said in one of his messages last night that I should be a counsellor as I have helped him so much with our chats !

Jesuis I am not currently messaging Mr Cocky. I sent one brief email last week saying that I hoped he was okay, that I still needed time out etc. He replied with a pretty short but sweet message saying he hoped I was okay, he understood that I needed space etc. And neither of us has done anything since.

I am fine about Mr Photography, he wasn't someone who would have worked in my world full time. It probably was just the sting of rejection as opposed to him specifically.

I think for the time being I need to divert my time and attention to me or something that isn't men ( easier said than done in the current climate ). I will see how things play out with Mr Van and if he suggests meeting this weekend. We did have the conversation that we are now each other's bubble. In the background of his life is a degree of chaos ( not ex partners or children, more financial and home related )
Hoping my hormones calm down soon as being in the throes of peri/menopause sometimes plays havoc with my emotions.

@Onesmallstep67 My misunderstanding regarding MrCocky - I thought you'd started messaging him again, my apologies.

See how things go with MrVan, but remember Rule 12. Expecting regular, meaningful (not just "hey you " place holder type) messages is not being needy. I hate it when it's described as that. I expect your guard is up with him anyway after what happened previously. I've had a few irons lately who've said something like "you're fussy". I tell them what they call fussy, I call minimum standards... if they don't like it, jog on.

@lovemusic33 if u want to meet with the old iron for fun I'd make sure that he knows that's what it is first.

I love texting lots, but cant be doing with ones that ask if ur ok etc when u dont reply.

I'm in a kind of similar situation to old iron (altho my OLD problems seem to change on a daily basis!) an old iron keeps popping back up and it's really messing with my head. I've made it really clear I want a relationship (or to try for) and what I'm looking for and he is now in agreement it seems. he has been a bit unreliable in the past and guess I've done a bit of the chasing so dont feel that secure about it but I would like to try again. just not sure if hes changed his ways.

my prob is I've just started talking to another iron, only a few days and he seems nice and chatty and were talking about possibly meeting. I dont normally like talking to more than one so feel bad, plus have DTD with iron #1 and had relationship chat so it's not really just chatting.

I'm not sure if I should tell iron #1 about new iron to see if he ups his game?

Crazy I know if I meet him I would probably want more then FWB, I do really like him and had feelings for him when we were dating before but having a relationship with him would be tricky due to the distance and he messed me around a bit before. I think I would rather just find a new iron as a FWB thing for a few months before considering anything serious.

@Onesmallstep67 you've had some good advice but the thing that stood out for me, is your last statement that one guy is unlikely to give you everything.
This x1000 hence me stepping into ethical non monogamy life. I've got it on my OLD profiles now. I feel completely empowered being open about this. Where are you on your official non monogamy journey? Do you need to talk about it?

Mr Tea and Ms Jam are both already non monogamous and know about each other. Circumstances mean I'll only see them each once or twice a month In non lockdown). Mr Music was also on the same page and all three know of each other (Ms Jam said I shouldn't rule him out completely yet. Just give him time to sort his crap out).

I just want an iron that I can ideally see 2 or maybe 3 times week. That understands polyamory too.

Not asking for much am I 😂😂

JeSuis no need to apologise. I should have said that we used to message that amount. It was not your misunderstanding it was my poor use of tense ! And thank you, I always find your comments really sound in their judgement. I admire your boundaries and expectations.
cravingthelook I am somewhat in awe of your ability to see various people and to all be chill about the arrangement. It sounds like a perfect scenario. And in some respects I have experienced it unintentionally! But as a route for me personally going forward I know that I would struggle. I'm not sure if it's a long held belief that being faithful was important. I can also be a bit jealous so I imagine I would struggle with seeing some of my ' partners' with other people. Did it take a shift in your outlook to get to seeing polyamory as your preference?

Oh god, East Anglia here too... Are we all dating from the same pool

I’m east anglia/south east too 😂

Ha - me too! 😂

@Onesmallstep67 I can really identify with what you're writing, and I agree that the self compassionate thing is to turn your attention to being with yourself. Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel good. I'm too often guilty of not doing things because I'd rather do them with someone - but even a walk around a beautiful place lifts me and makes me feel so calm and centred. And I'm a professional hypocrite, so don't feel bad about not practising what you preach!

Could I ask a question please?

I'm a long time lurker.

I'm 50 and been single 3.5 years after a lengthy marriage (awful divorce, which has left me scarred). I've been very happy single but thinking now that something is missing.

Myself and Ex worked very hard for many years and achieved financial security and a very good standard of living.

I've joined last month Bumble and last year joined Elite singles (I think it's encounters dating now and I've not paid or been active on here). But the availability on these sites seems poor.

If I'm being really blunt - and I don't want this to come across the wrong way - I'm looking for a professional man, educated, financially solvent and someone who has a similar lifestyle to what I have. Someone who dresses well/looks after themselves.

Are there any particular sites I should look at? I don't mind paying if necessary.

Also, is it ok to be quite upfront and say in my profile that this is what I'm looking for? Or would that look crass? I don't want people to think I'm being inappropriate but I have an idea of what will work and don't really see the point in wasting my time filtering through men that there's no chance with.

You might be better to sign up with a dating agency? Then they could do a lot of this work for you and match you that way

Another in East Anglia here!
But I think I'm fishing in the older pool than the rest of you

menora is that where you pay a few grand and they find a man for you? 😩

I'm probably not quite at that level.

I think it's just that I've reached a point in my life where I have a certain expectation and if it's not available then I'm happy to carry on on my own - I hope that makes sense?

I think I've read that OLD is like an interview, and I feel like that. And if they don't meet the basic criteria there's no point getting through to the next phase.

I hope my post doesn't come across the wrong way.

Right ...

I might regret this but I'm doing it anyway ...

*Marches over and places herself firmly on the smitten bench

Gawd how weird that so many of you are from same region! I'm still lurking, not started OLD yet as I want to lose weight first. Does anyone know, though, on OKCupid do you get exposure (strange word I know, can't think of better one...) to more profiles if you pay? I've had a look and there are hardly any in my area and all seem to be same guys that were on three or four years ago. I didn't pay then and it seemed sparse bit I presumed it was quite new at the time..

I'm probably fishing in a younger pool that everyone else in East Anglia. My pool is 27-37.

Just had a video call with Mr USA ahead of tomorrow's date. Conversation wasn't flowing that well but it could just be like that on the phone. Meeting at 6pm tomorrow.
Arranging a date with a new iron who doesn't have a name yet for the weekend.
Then there is Mr French who lives in Paris. He says he will travel to the UK (apparently he often does on business) and meet me once travel restrictions are lifted -probably all tall and will never happen- but he is nice to talk to.

Just shows that irons are like busses. Wait months for a suitable one and loads come at once.

Bloody hell, so many of us! Ha!

My range is 30-45, and on fab only, no other sites.

39 to 50ish, I do seem to like a few around 52,53

I’m 39 and dating down to about 33-35 of late