Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@sortingitout I saw but it didn't click. He wasn't bad looking so could have easily used real photos, it's only when I was un matching after that it clicked. Anyway the whole thing was truly truly bizarre.

@Yulbrynnerstoupee

Building self esteem for me is about loving myself and not seeking that validation from someone else.

Having happiness from you and your life is key so a relationship compliments your life and is not the main focus.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and I know lots on here have been in abusive relationships/marriages so you'll get good advice.

Time is a great healer and so is counselling, quite a few on here are or have had counselling to address issues that past relationships have caused.

If you need counselling then that would be a great start.

Also building your own life so everything you do is centred around your happiness and not for the benefit of others (unless it's your kids of course).

If you don't love yourself you need to work towards that by either changing what you dont like or accepting you for you and not caring what others think.

Good self esteem also helps with boundaries, there was a chat this weekend on here about setting boundaries around sex talk when chatting to someone.

If you want specific examples post a bit more and we will help you.

@SortingItOut thank you that is good advice. I think counselling is something I should look into.

I do have lots of supportive people around me who say I am "a catch" but it doesnt help when you've been with someone who abuses your trust.

Plus I have a mother who has always drummed into me about how sh1t men are. So I do wonder at times of this is why I have accepted some of their behaviour in the past?

Boundary setting is a good point. I'll admit I'm rubbish at that. I think being locked indoors for 12 weeks doesn't help with any of this stuff!!
I'm going to keep reading this thread and picking up tips. Thanks

Having one of those mix of emotions days. I should be feeling happy that I got to spend time with Mr Van on Saturday. I just have a long standing niggle in the back of my head that our personalities or needs are not in sync. His lack of flirty behaviour makes me feel like I am the one pushing it along in that respect and it's not a comfortable position for me. I will have to see how things go, see if he suggests the next time to meet. He's not done anything wrong, texted and called as usual already today.
I think my default setting for a long when feeling vulnerable or unsure has been to distract myself by seeking attention from other guys. Hence what I refer to as my plate spinning. Keeping in touch with several potential irons just so as not to feel too vulnerable. In these scenarios people offer really sound advice about keeping busy, having a full life. And it's completely true that when I am busy or occupied I am less focused on men. My life is sadly a bit empty though. Parents passed away, only sister abroad. Not big social circle, new (ish) hobby curtailed by CV. So chatting to guys and dating has filled quite a void in more recent years.
Tempted to message Mr Cocky because I miss him. But I don't think today is the right day. The last thing I need is to hear that he doesn't want to resume anything

@Yulbrynnerstoupee

I know what you mean about having your trust abused, I'm 2 years out of my marriage and I'm still not sure if I'll ever trust again.

I'm now exclusive with someone but he knows I have huge trust issues and I dont know when I'll ever trust him.
It's not like I demand to check his phone or where he is but inside I have niggles constantly, most days I'm all positive and just think I've had a great time with him so if its goes tits up I wont regret it but other days I'm all negative and wonder why he likes me and how long before he cheats.

It's an awful way to be and I definitely need counselling, luckily its mostly inner turmoil so he doesnt realise quite how my brain thinks!!!

I agree with your comment about your mum, its almost like you have to accept bad behaviour from men because it's just what they like. When in actual fact there are some decent men about but they have usually been snapped up early on.

I'm on the apps again, desperately trying to forget about Mr Music (I have no idea how he got so under my skin).

Mr Food sent a polite vague message so I reciprocated. I don't think it will go anywhere.

Chatting to quite a few potentials

This made me lol today ... non outing screenshot

Does he do DIY?

Haha send him my way I have plenty of jobs to do!

So I am bubbled with Mr Return now, even though we have had no chat about exclusivity or the status of our relationship which feels a little bit bonkers. And one kiss!

I had offered my DD’s to be bubbled with others first they didn’t want to. I either was going to bubble with him, or no one

But I am in a dilemma now - Mr Return has a child free night this week and has asked me to stay over and do something together the next day too. I don’t have an issue leaving my DC but I do not know how to broach the fact I am going to stay out at someone else’s house and I don’t know how they will take it. It’s not like he is a LTR who they know either. I feel like it could be irresponsible. I am just really unsure of what to do. I am not worried about saying yes or no to Mr R he will be fine either way he’s not expecting anything. So I could go, stay late then come home and then go back? I don’t know what to do for the best

How old are they @Menora

Can you say you visiting a friend?

16/18

Thing is I won’t let them stay out with a friend so why should I ?

@Menora, nothing I am about to suggest is coming from a moral stance ( God forbid haha ) but might it make more sense to not actually stay out overnight. You can still spend loads of time together and do whatever comes naturally without overloading things too soon. You know your daughters and how you have discussed or manoeuvred overnighters in the past but these have been strange times recently. I have daughters a similar age and these situations with new guys are always a bit of a minefield for me.

Yeah I feel like I should not stay really. I will talk to him

Yes, go round, spend a good few hours but go home afterwards.

@Menora I was always v upfront with my kids about overnighters. They did know I was seeing Mr B and it was about 6 weeks after the first date we stayed in an hotel. I was also open with them that it was fun and casual and not to expect him to become my bf (little did I know!!). My youngest is a bit funny about him now though so I wonder if I was too honest! Thing is you can't say you are staying at a friends either in these times!

I been lurking for while and enjoying reading your experiences, I had no intention of joining until after lockdown as I had recently ended a relationship and wasn't looking for anyone OLD for the time being but an old contact randomly got in touch after a year I'll call him Mr Engineer, we have never met only exchanged a few messages last year, can't remember why it fizzled out but on Thurdsay he got in touch, exchanged a message, Friday, not over the weekend? is there an etiquette not to contact over the weekend if you don't know each other well?

I'm letting him lead the conversation and I will reply but thats all so it's moving rather slowly, he got in touch today but again only one message and he only gets one reply back. I'm not overly bothered about rushing to meet him anytime soon anyway, is he trying to play it cool do you think? lol

Oh, I have to tell someone - I have a date on Wednesday! Matched with him on Bumble on saturday and we spent most of Sunday evening chatting through messages on there. Then he invited me to join him on a SD walking around the city centre, he is a bit of a history buff and as I have not lived here that long he is going to give me a tour.
He seems lovely, I am only hoping he has been honest about his height, his profile says he is an inch taller than me, but I have been on 2 different first dates when they have claimed the exact same height and it one chap was definitely shorter and the other was very similar.

Need to decide what to wear and it must include comfy shoes!

@Crystalspider just go with what feels comfortable.

@TheSparkling yeay!

I have a date tomorrow, with a guy I've chatted to since before lockdown, he's really sweet and stepped up today and said he wants to meet. He lives near the beach so a beach walk it is. Let's call him Mr Pizza

I've lots of chats on and my only other free night this week is Wednesday so I've laid out to one iron, I'm free Wednesday yes or no, he's not replied yet. Let's call him Mr Developer.

If he doesn't come through I've got myself a bit of a mr filthy too so he's choice 2 if either tomorrow or Wednesday falls through 😊

There's a mr direct and a mr beer chatting too. A few more but I won't name them yet. I'm literally playing the numbers right now, thinking it could be entertaining... I think I need a note book to keep track 🤣🤣

@Crystalspider quiet over the weekend is always suspicious to me- at home with a wife, partner maybe? Just something to be aware of.

Soo, my new iron. Mr American. He's with the US airforce based over here. I might have a tiny tiny like for forces We've been chatting for a couple of days and then spoke on the phone tonight. He has real potential as a FWB, we have arranged to meet at the weekend... he's confident, decisive, polite. Oh and tall dark and handsome.

I have a date with a new iron on Wednesday. I will call him Mr USA as there is another Mr American on this thread. Like @30somethingandstillsingle my new iron is based over here with the American Military. Apparently I have a think for military men aswell. Think it's the uniform.

Has another lovely talk with Mr Smile and we are probably going to go on our walk on Friday.

Chatting to others who I will name if anything develops

@Dancerinthemoonlight hope it's not the same one

@30somethingandstillsingle thank you, something to be aware of.

I wonder if your iron is the same as dancer, or maybe they are buddies

I do wonder sometimes how many of us have shared an iron (think I said this on a previous thread)
I'm not sure where @30somethingandstillsingle is located. It's probably just a coincidence.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm in East Anglia.
There are quite a few so it's probably not the same one!

I’m trying to get back on the horse with dating, been back on POF and Tinder looking for new faces. I now have a few irons but one of my old irons is messing with my head a little, he keeps disappearing and then reappearing, and is now saying he wants a relationship, I really like him but I think I know deep down that he’s no good for me, he also lives far away and has ties where he lives as I do here, he’s asking to come here for a weekend to see me but I’m unsure what to do. At the moment I think I’m just looking for FWB kind of thing, just to get the fact I haven’t had sex for almost a year out of my system.

I have 2 new irons, one I really like the sound of but he has some weird qualities, he also has a very young child (usually I avoid this). The other is a bit pushy and keeps texting and if I don’t reply within a hour he messages asking if I’m ok.

I would ideally like to just hook up with someone for a bit of fun but I know we are not meant too due to covid (which is probably why I really want too) 🤣

I have had a couple of odd days and trying to work out which specific part is the issue. If anyone fancies giving their objective view I would appreciate a bit of input.
Saw Mr Van on Saturday and he stayed over. Some awkwardness as a mixture of CV concerns and not actually having seen each other in person for 5 months. ( He bailed on me for a couple of months Feb/ March when he was dealing with issues arising from his mom's death). He was not massively demonstrative during the evening but once we were in bed we had a really lovely time and as was always the case with him it felt like more than just sex. Since then we have talked and messaged as normal. What I am struggling with are elements of his everyday manner. It can be a bit jokey/blokey. He is a real mixture though and has quite a vulnerable side. I think I just feel a bit like he's in control of the relationship. When I have previously brought things up he's told me to speak my mind/ communication is key. But I worry that if I do that too much he's going to tire of it. I want him to take more of a lead. I am aware though that I have a lot of time on my hands for overthinking whereas he is working and busy so less likely to be feeling at a loose end like I currently do.
In addition to this, Mr Photography who was a FWB for a while before lockdown and who I have seen a couple of times recently, messaged to say he had met someone and was giving it a go. He wanted someone who could give him lots of time. I am not sure why it hit me so much because I didn't think I had deep feelings for him.
Finally Mr Cocky, ( FWB 6yrs ). 2 weeks ago I told him I needed a break. We message on average about 30-40 times a day. A mixture of everyday chat but also lots of flirty stuff. He can't/won't offer me a full time relationship but wants lots of attention from me. I could never trust him even if he said let's go for it. But I am struggling with feeling like I have lost another part of my familiar/comfort place.
I know this reads like I have got myself in a complicated scenario but that's what comes from maybe wanting/ needing attention but knowing that not one single guy is currently giving me what I need.