Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Being too keen and putting too much pressure on you is a legitimate reason to cancel - of course it’s nice for someone to be enthusiastic but you don’t want to be “ put on a pedestal”?

Hi - can I join? Signed up to match.com and it’s been... ok. Am loving reading your dating stories and hope to have some of my own soon. Any recommendations for other apps to look at (can’t do tinder as no Facebook), or tips for match? My message inbox on there is full of one word ‘hi’ messages ☹️

@Baybetterdays - hi, you don't need Facebook for tinder and actually I'd recommend not linking your OLD and social media.

Tinder has the most matches, bumble I just have no luck on, I've just made a hinge and I'm finding lots of good quality people to like. I wanted to like ok Cupid but I think to make it work you'll have to pay. I wasn't a fan of match tbh.

Thanks @cravingthelook, off to check out hinge and Tinder!

Wondering on people opinions of this. I tend to get asked the same 3 questions from each man I match with. Hobbies, what did I do to my wrist, what am I looking for. Is it bad that I have typed out a response in my notes on my phone so I can just copy and paste it in. The answer to those questions doesn't change depending on who I'm talking to

Tbh dancer I reckon your guess is as good as anyone’s when it comes to what or how much to write

I’m starting slowly here for now but I’ve had good dates with very terse/brief messages and also long elaborate personal discussions where we’re both “showing detailed interest”
that go nowhere🤷‍♀️

I don’t really think of text chatting as really meaning much before meeting unless there’s red flags or any information comes up that’s off putting to either party?

Obviously you expect basic politeness and if they want to meet bringing it up.

Overall I think if someone is interested in the overall package - ie they like the look of you in photos and they’re interested in meeting and not keeping you as “second choice or someone to randomly chat to” - they’ll make themselves known whatever they write

Omg I need an escape. Good looking but (and I am not being funny and I am being properly serious), I think he has special needs. We have food being delivered and then I need to go!!

cheesecake plead tech problems or child stuff and cut him off.

I’ve been on a date today. I had absolutely no expectations. He wasn’t my usual type at all but he seemed nice whilst chatting, about a 6/10 on looks. He’s called Mr Wollaton. We went to our local park. I got there a few minutes early so I can watch him approach 😂 Well he was closer to an 8/10 in real life so good start there! Had a lovely time! Was there 3 hours, the heavens opened and we dashed under a tree. It was a really lovely date which we will definitely be doing it again soon 😊

@CheesecakeAddict did you manage to get away?

mummygoingitalone your park date was more successful than mine 😁 was nice couple of hours but didnt feel that either of us felt a connection as such, confirmed with no goodbye kiss or hug at the end. Ih well, you never know until you meet

@dancemom I did!
We had pizza delivered to the park. When he first started speaking I knew something was off but decided to not be so judgemental and give him a chance because we all have our flaws, right? An hour in and I was convinced he must have something going on (and that isn't me being judgy, I am being dead dead serious) and clearly had the mental age of someone much much younger. I've just had a look on tinder too and those are not his photos. 100% I just got catfished. Again.

So since Mr Vegan, let's recap on my dates:

Date 1: Video call date - had a massive rant about Brexit and called me posh for having a spa room in the house and kept going on about foreigners stealing our jobs (clearly unaware that I am half Italian and my daughter is half Greek).

Date 2: video call, he was much much older than his photos. Call ended after 30 mins.

Date 3: Mr American. Nice guy but no chemistry. This wasn't actually a bad date though.

Date 4: today 😳

I might take a break from dating for a while because this is exhausting and I want to concentrate on DD, my masters, my new job starting soon. I'm still going to lurk here for hope (maybe Tips on how not to get catfished? - do you have a minimum time you chat for? I don't get it).

I need help. I had date 2 with Mr Mountain Biker today and had such a lovely day. We are both keen hikers so we ended up on a 10 mile/7hr walk up on the tops. He’d said that he’d teach me navigation (which I am shit at) and I nav’ed us the whole way round. He was so patient, is really kind and generally lovely, and we have been talking about the next couple of walks, so I think this may actually have legs. He must like me to be planning the next couple of walks, and I’m really into him. When we finished I was taking off my boots etc and I really wanted to kiss him, but we’ve been so good at the SD stuff that I didn’t really know what to do so we said our goodbyes and said we’d chat in the week.
He has his kids 50/50 and so I won’t see him until next Sunday - do I try and bring it up before then or launch myself at him and possibly get a knock back due to the virus? Neither of us flirt - I’m crap at it and suspect he’s the same, but we get on so well, so although it seems like we’re into each other, it’s not like there’s any build up that I can follow up, if that makes sense?

Aw @CheesecakeAddict I'm so sorry 😐

Re the apps, I tend to aim for about 2 days chat on the app before moving to WhatsApp (opportunity to see their WhatsApp profile picture) then a couple of days on WhatsApp and in that time I'd engineer the sending and receiving of selfies just to avoid catfishes as much as you can anyway.

You had a run of bad luck there for sure 🙁

@onesmallstep67 FWB wasnt really the right term sorry. probably just friends but seems a bit more. have met but its mainly texting.

@cravingthelook I did make it clear at the beginning which is why we're just kinda friends now and I was/am ok with that.

Maybe lockdown is messing with my head. it was just with him saying I was nice and he liked my body etc. he often looks at my fb altho we're not fb friends, then he'll tell me or comment on something to me. He also text me the other day to say hed been near my house. maybe I'm just taking things the wrong way. I'm not really used to dating and dont have many friends so maybe I'm just getting it confused with making a new friend. (I do realise how sad that sounds 🙈☺️) I do know what we talk about u wouldnt talk about with all friends tho 🤔

He said before hes not sure what he wants but obv wants something as hes still looking on apps. I'm too scared to ask exactly what it is he doesnt like about me but it does bug me, as we do seem to get on pretty well and have been intimate. Suppose it doesnt matter, if he doesnt want a relationship theres no point forcing it or questioning him.

I have another iron, spoken for a few days, he works weekends and this is when I would be able to be child free so not too sure what to do. hes trying to see if he can change his hours at work. He seems really nice tho and no sexual chat yet yey!

sorry I always seem to write a novel!

loving all the date updates. it's good that you are able to get out and properly meet someone so that your not just relying on messaging or calls.

@cheesecakeaddict sorry to hear about your date. Can you try and fit a vid call in before a 1st date? Altho if they are a catfish I'm sure theyd find an excuse not to do it. Failing that I think I'd just make your first dates shorter, just a quick stroll in the park, then if it goes well you could extend it?

I really dont know what people think they will achieve by catfishing, they are just setting themselves up for a fall. Trust is gone before you've even got started.

I have a new iron. Just had a video call with him. I will call him Mr Smile. His smile is infectious, spent an hour and 10 minutes talking to him but it only seemed like 5 minutes. Planning a date/walk for later in the week when he is free from work. He says he is 6'5 so hopefully he is and I won't be taller than him.

I have other chats on the go and will name them if it comes to anything. Not going to be putting all my eggs in one basket this time

I’m sort of with you cheesecake - it’s emotionally draining even if it’s not “terrible disaster dates”?

I’m sure we’re not psychologically designed to interact with other humans in this way long term.

I don’t think the lockdown sd stuff is that helpful either - I miss the safety structure of a “meet for coffee/drink date and extend” which I usually do.

Being stuck ordering a takeaway in the park with an awkward catfish is my worst nightmare!

@CheesecakeAddict
When you saw him in the park did you think then that he didnt look like his photos or were you caught up in the date and didnt realise?

I'm with someone else who mentioned either a video call or selfies before agreeing to a date.

If you're going all out spy mode then I use tineye.com
I screenshot their photo and upload it and it will tell you where else it has been used on the internet.

I did it once for someone on Fab and he had used a models photo that loads of others also used on dating sites, I mean Cone on, it's going to be pretty obvious when you meet someone that its not you in the photos- I dont know why people do it.

Has he messaged since you met?

I am finding fab very quiet at the moment, for the first time ever. I'm thinking about joining tinder.

I do have another potential iron, I won't give him a name yet.

Am I the only one that is super self conscious when it comes to video calls? Whenever I've done it on my phone it always seems I hold the phone at unflattering angles or do you prepare and have the phone/camera positioned somewhere and don't move it?
Seems like ridiculous questions and obviously I look how I look but I don't want to show myself at my worst straight away

@30somethingandstillsingle

I think Fab is so quiet because it's all about the sex and I would say the majority are following lockdown rules.

I would never do a video call with a potential match, I hate how I look on camera.
I think I'm ok looking but my god my phone camera makes me look ugly!!!

I can just about cope with video calls for work on my laptop and look ok on that - have you got a laptop you can use??

Hi, just joining the thread...
i joined bumble earlier in the year, have been chatting / meeting with one particular guy for about 4 months now. Lockdown not ideal so i suspended the account as I don't feel i have capacity to juggle lots of people and can't get out and meet much as have a child.
Reading the thread its clear you need a coat of steel armour for OLD. I think my self esteem is still recovering from my last long term relationship...
Just wondering if any of you have tips on how to build self esteem and get ready for this "battle" of dating?

Video calls, no way. I look terrible in most photos and video calls are horrendous. Even after I've met someone I refuse. I'm ok in the flesh apparently

30somethingandstillsingle
I've found Fab has gone quiet in the last couple of weeks.
It was busy in March/April with people who just wanted to chat or cam. Not sure why it's gone quiet now.

Yes I think it is because of lockdown and most people are abiding by the rules.

I found Mr W on there and he is still yet to suggest a social. I would like to meet him before investing any more time on him. He seems lovely but I don't want someone just for texting. I backed off a little at the weekend and will continue to unless he suggests arranging to meet. I don't expect to form a bubble, but would like see him in real life to at least see if we get on.