Dating Thread 190 - Living La Vida Lockdown but not out...

[JeSuisPrest]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

You’ve mentioned Oxbridge as a class thing before @unambiguousbeard and with your XH being a twat about it I can understand your feelings. Oxbridge is not class, people from all sorts of background go there.

I was Oxbridge years ago, I have an RP accent and I live in a nice town - I know these things don’t define me but so many men I meet think they put me in a certain class and judge me for it. I’ve actually been guilty of denying my past to ‘fit in’. This is just wrong. By all means judge people for being a twat based on their behaviour, but never on the basis of some ‘facts’ about them that have no context.

So I’m agreeing with you @unambiguousbeard, as ever. I don’t agree with the ‘plenty of chavs’ type attitude, it’s disrespectful.

Thought provoking debate this morning. In recent weeks when people have been discussing how to find dates who are into the same things as them it usually seems to be directed towards finding someone who is of a higher level of education or interested in more 'middle class ' pursuits. I have never been that prescriptive. For me a good heart and a respectful attitude speak louder than any job, education or house might do. At the end of the day you have got to LIKE and respect the person you date.

In other news Mr Van has just left after our first night together in 5 months. I am missing him already. This is going to be a difficult one to handle as he's definitely got under my skin.

Hey dating gang!
How are we all? Gosh I seem to have missed a lot on thread. Will try and catch up!!

I still have no idea what I’m doing or what I want. Well I know what I want but I’m becoming pretty certain it doesn’t exist.

Had some SD dates In lockdown with a guy who on paper was great but he was too “nice” and I need a filthbag. Proud of myself for ending it though without too much drama.

Damn I miss shagging ☹️

I don't know what to do about yesterday's date. We sat on a bench and talked for a couple of hours. The conversation flowed.
He did most of the talking but admitted it was because he was nervous.

Then he walked me to my car and I realised that he was slightly shorter than me. And that he was wearing a weird baggy shirt that seemed to be a couple of sizes to big for him. It was like he was trying to hide the fact he had a bit of a beer belly. But it actually drew attention to it because the shirt was so big on him.

As that's the last image I have of him, it's put me off.

So today I'm dithering about whether to meet again and see if I can get past the height/beer belly thing.
My ex husband went from being very athletic to a slob with a huge beer gut in the space of 10years, which is why I have a big aversion to them.

Plenty of chavs! Wow. I missed that one. That most definitely wasn't me.

Yes. It's about kindness, intelligence and humour. And they need to be politically aware. The guy last night had all those but I didn't fancy him. I hate those dates, when you really really want to fancy them but it's never going to be there. Used to be that I'd try to make it work and then have to extricate myself from someone lovely. @EchoElephant it sounds like we had similar dates actually. Mind willing, body less so.

Sex wise I am not concerned exactly, but I am being cautious!

I think you need to work our where your boundaries are sexually before you date.

Never assume ‘nice’ men aren’t filthy in the bedroom - some are just not overtly sexual up front... because they actually like you as a person and not just boobs and a vag! Also very intense sex can come from a really good emotional connection, maybe it isn’t technically brilliant but it’s something you can learn together

I have found that I am pretty vanilla, but i have a fairly high vanilla sex drive. I am really quite intimidated by overly sexual men and can’t relax with them, because I am worrying they are going to do something I am uncomfortable with. I am much more relaxed with someone who has less experience and is happy to let me lead a bit. I’m so much better on my terms. But I wouldn’t like an absolute wet blanket type and being pushed up against a wall from time to time is always a good thing

So I know what men I shouldn’t date - ones who try to lead all the sex talk and who have kinks that I don’t. I’m glad when they make it clear early on what they are about as I can make a decision on them

Mind willing, body less so Yes, that's exactly it unambiguousbeard
I could probably talk to him for hours. But shag him?? I don't think so.

@echoelephant my dad has a huge belly, but he doesnt drink at all. hes not a gym goer but is very active doing DIY, gardening etc I'm not sure if its medication my dad is on or just the way he is built when he gains weight. can u jot give it a 2nd date If it's the thought or lazy? if u dont like that body shape then prob no point tho.

can I have help. I've been speaking to a guy for 10 months maybe, he said he wasnt sure whaT he wanted but we've met few times and he's become more a friend with benefits I guess, we talk often, send memes and the odd pic. we are still on apps and talk on those too lol asking how each other is getting on with irons. a couple of times recently hes said I'm nice etc and again today, wondering if I should suggest taking things further or am I being silly, is he just being nice. I dont want to look desperate or stupid.

crazycatlady20 I appreciate that not all body shapes are a result of sitting on the sofa, drinking beer all day.
But that's exactly what my ex-husband was like. He went from someone who enjoyed playing sports, to someone who couldn't be bothered to do anything. And wouldn't let me go out and do anything either. I was expected to spend my spare time sitting with him, watching hours of tv and fetching him food.
And somehow I was supposed to still find him attractive enough to have sex when he wanted.

So in my head I associate big bellies and over sized shirts with that horrible period of my life.
In reality my date wasn't like my ex. And probably deserves a second chance.

@crazycatlady20, when you say FWB what does that actually mean in your case ? If you are already having sex then what would the next step be ? Proper dating ?

I laughed at the plenty of chavs reference because a chav to me is a certain type of person that I have seen many of on POF - I’m Irish so for me it’s not a class thing more an idiot party boy immature -anyway I don’t want to come across as classist as I’m not - grew up in a council estate where my parents still live poor as hell so I’m not looking down on anyone. Actually I met Mr Posh on POF and he is posh but asshole dick pic was on Bumble so no site is without its wankers 🙈

Hmm I woke up all excited for my date tonight but he's sent some weird texts today and I'm regretting it. He asked me what I'm doing today and I replied, cooking and a run. To which he replied with a laughing face emoji and told me my life sounds "off the chain". I'm not sure if he was negging a little bit or just didn't know what to say. I'm hardly going to say at 11am that I'm at a wild party doing cocain 🤔.

He was probably trying to be funny (but not!) ask him what majorly exciting things he’s up to:) I think go enjoy your date but you will be hyper vigilant for possible negging and can run a mile if need be!

This is mainly for the new people on the thread new to dating - it’s often hard to tell what your type is when you are starting out - the idea you have in your head (or ones who give you fanny flutters) can often mislead you for other reasons. Love bombers or neggers can get to you and overwhelm your senses. When you have come out of an intense relationship or a marriage that had a lot of drama (or abuse), nice ‘normal’ guys can come across as boring and dull.

I would say, unless they give you the total ick and there is zero chemistry, and no chance of any action, don’t completely rule out otherwise nice men who might not meet your type requirements. Sometimes a couple of dates can show you someone in different light, sometimes you can find the way someone talks or smiles really attractive and it takes you by surprise, or that they make you laugh.

I’m not advising anyone to settle for boring blokes who have no convo skills by the way!

Also depends what you want - if sexual chemistry is top of your list then you will be looking for that match. But if you aren’t looking for instant sexual chemistry, it’s not impossible for it to grow on you over time if you are otherwise having a nice time with someone!

@CheesecakeAddict

On its own that text is just a bit silly I wouldn’t take offence - but what were the other weird texts? I wouldn’t say off the chain but I would say something like that 😂

@Menora thank you for your insightful messages, as always ☺️. I think you are both right, I think it was an attempt at humour that got lost on me given I was wrangling a toddler across a busy supermarket car park at the time. Looking back at the message thread, this was the only message that was odd. I think I'm on high alert because we barely talked and don't know anything about him. We literally matched yesterday afternoon and by the evening had a date set up and we've missed the phone call step in between. I'm going to go with an open mind though since I wasn't forced to go on the date and I think I'm just nervous.

Hi all, checking in,

@Onesmallstep67 I agree a good heart and respect and honest mean more to me than job or class.

@Menora I agree that it's good to know your own sexual boundaries that's the one thing I have figured out.

@CheesecakeAddict sounds like he was trying to be funny, don't overthink it.

@crazycatlady20 if you want to turn it to a relationship say so otherwise just enjoy what it is

@ZoZoBo I agree with your definition of chav - that's how I think about it

My date with Mr Food yesterday was nice, great chat however I couldn't decide if he liked me or not. He sent me a lovely polite message but no clue still, so I sent a nice reply making it clear I'd like a date 2, no reply yet, so I guess theres my answer he was just too polite to say. I've archived the chat.

I said hi to Mr Music, he said hello back and I asked how he was doing and I got no reply at all. So I guess he did a very good job of faking real interest in me. I a bit gutted really. I liked him a lot. I've archived the chat. Wish I could shake it off.

I've got a few more potential irons but I literally only have 2 child free evenings this week so I'll have to use them carefully.

Ms Jam pissed me off on Friday. I'm hoping it's just because we've not seen each other for so long

That’s good advice menora thanks for sharing. I think I’m a slow burner by nature, I take time to develop a proper attraction.

My chat with recent match has been bubbling along, no mention of a date but seems nice etc. and he suggested a call last night, once he’d put child to bed. Was looking forward to it etc.
No call.
I sent a “hi” type text earlier on today and he replied, apologised for not calling but just said he couldn’t. 🤔
In hindsight I wish I hadn’t texted first. He later offered some other excuse... but it doesn’t take long to text and say can’t call for whatever reason.
Am I being picky?

Oh fucking hell, Mr Aero was possibly coming over today when I'd finished work. I texted him around 01:00 as I was awake - suggested a takeaway at mine as my kids are at their dad's - he replied that he had a takeaway last night and had spent the night on the loo. So, no sex for me! I'm really glowy and feeling v attractive and sexually'open' this weekend. Gutted. I was really going to pounce on him today.

First tinder date over

Actually was a very personable guy so lucky there (normally my first date is always a bit “those were flattering photos eh mate?”)

Date itself was a little bit flat as I was nervous and the social distancing it just ended up a random wander round a park for an hour? Plus no hug to say hello or goodbye so it felt a bit cold

The thing is I’ve been studying at home under lockdown and he’s been working so conversation was good but we were a bit out of sync

We’ve exchanged messages and I’d like to see him again but we shall see.

I think I’m at a life stage where I’m moving away from emotionally
“Over-functioning”? As in trying to get to certain conclusions/be social lead.

Like last year I’d have been all “jolly hockey sticks” trying to force things and be flirtatious and sexy
and suggesting drinks? Sort of look at “achieving” the second date, and maybe pushing for an outcome that wasn’t going to happen naturally.

This time, I’m happy to step back a bit - he knows I’m interested and I’ll go on other dates and we’ll leave it there.

So, my previous "dating" experience was based on sexual chemistry, and availability.

As my ex reminds me, I have to use different criteria this time around, but surely sexual chemistry and attraction has to be important

Despite the lack of chemistry with my date yesterday, I decided to agree to date 2.
Now he sounds like a little kid who's been told he has the run of the sweetshop.

He's busy planning a picnic for the end of the week. Told me he feels a little ray of sunshine when he sees a message from me.
Oh help!

echo