Do I need therapy if I'm theoretically angry at men?

[NoMoreDickheads]

I didn't really think I had a problem with the natural process of working through issues with disrespectful etc experiences I've had with men.

But the last couple of days I've thought, maybe I'm too angry or something?

With men as a concept, based on numerous experiences.

I haven't found the emotion a painful experience over the last few months, I've mostly rolled my eyes at their lameness.

But now I feel a bit of hatred (occasionally I have these interludes, but they mainly just last a couple of days, so maybe I'll just keep an eye out to see if it seems to become excessively long.)

Is the idea of women being 'too angry' a manifestation of society's demands/expectations of women mainly? As a man would only be considered 'too angry' if he was a criminal or something.

I think most of us can benefit from good ongoing therapy, so by all means do get yourself some! :)

You're not 'too angry' though, not at all!

Sounds like you're only recently beginning to feel all the appropriate anger at being mistreated, that you couldn't allow yourself to feel at the time.

It's a sign of your increasing self-worth. Embrace it. :)

I get you

Especially when internet dating. Expecting men to treat you with a modicum of respect and they accuse you of being controlling/giving them 'grief' when you have standards

Honestly makes me very angry

I think therapy is great.

I dislike and distrust men in general.

The two don’t necessarily need to be linked

I personally think, given various statistics, it’s reasonable and even sensible for women to practice severe caution around men at all times, but that isn’t a popular opinion.

I say that as a mother of a son, with a male partner by the way.

I think its entirely natural to be theoretically angry at men, given the horrible things many of them do. I don't think you need therapy to explain a rational feeling, but you might need therapy around some of the horrible things men have done.

I'd suggest some feminist reading. Maybe Caitlin Moran "How to be a woman". Or Laura Bates "Everyday sexism"

I think most of us can benefit from good ongoing therapy, so by all means do get yourself some!

@BreakingTheChain I'm already in therapy for other stuff. It's EMDR so maybe it'll help with some of the underlying experiences I'm understandable angry at having had. Maybe younger people would've chosen differently, but I didn't want to do EMDR/therapy on the NHS via video. EMDR uses a machine and doing it via video link is untested and experimental. I only have 10 sessions left on the NHS so I wanted to wait till we're allowed to meet IRL in case doing it via video is less effective, as I want to make the most of my sessions.

The therapy is primarily about many rejections I've had in my life, (as someone with autistic traits) from both peer groups and men, although yes really it is resentment because I think some of the ways I've been treated were not good.

I personally think, given various statistics, it’s reasonable and even sensible for women to practice severe caution around men at all times, but that isn’t a popular opinion.

Aloha- Yes, I have a friend who has androphobia and agoraphobia, and she says based on what men are like, her fear of men is completely justified. (She's experienced severe abuse throughout her life.)

I totally getting being fearful of men after several abusive experiences.

I dont rhink its wrong as such. I do think, some, people don't like it bevause if you applied it to any other group it would make people uncomfortable.

For example my mum has horses and been the victim of several attacks, thefts, verbal attacks from travellers on her yard. She is afraid of travellers. Yet if she says this outright, she is called racisit or a bigot. Logically she knows it isn't all travellers, but the fear is there.

I think that's why people don't like it.

Many women have experienced micro aggression and violence at the hands of men and from living in a patriarchal society.

Being spoken down to, not promoted or taken seriously, having things explained to them that they know, being cat called and harassed in the street, bombarded with images of fetishised women's bodies, negative stereotypes, erosion of rights, rape, sexual assault, abuse in their own homes and intimate relationships, proliferation of degrading porn and sexual demands, internet abuse and trolling - if the streets aren't safe and their homes aren't safe, where can women be safe?

You have every right to be angry and to seek therapy for healing and peace of mind.

Caitlin Moran’s book was awful IMHO. I doubt you’d get any answers there.

I don’t know the answer to your question though. Sometimes anger is an appropriate response, women are taught to hide it - sometimes understandably, if they are vulnerable. I’m feeling my age these days, DS grown up and living away and I’m thinking maybe it’s time to be a bit more “pointed” and show my anger and displeasure when appropriate...

PS. I think it’s a “women and anger issue” basically.

If you are thinking about it in theoretical terms OP, do you think that may be partly because you we’re not able to express it in everyday living terms?

Being spoken down to, not promoted or taken seriously, having things explained to them that they know, being cat called and harassed in the street, bombarded with images of fetishised women's bodies, negative stereotypes, erosion of rights, rape, sexual assault, abuse in their own homes and intimate relationships, proliferation of degrading porn and sexual demands, internet abuse and trolling - if the streets aren't safe and their homes aren't safe, where can women be safe?

This. I think the question is, why aren't more women more angry? I know for me personally there was a gap of many years between the worst things happening and me finding my anger.

The anger is legitimate. I'm exploring why I suppressed it in therapy and can highly recommend both that and emdr for specific traumas. But 10 weeks isn't enough to safely let go of your guard and allow another person to know you in depth. I'd choose a very specific small but meaningful goal for 10 weeks of sessions.

I've got some great male friends and colleagues, and a fab husband.

I also generally dislike men, and masculinity in general.

My husband pretty much feels the same

It's hardly an illogical feeling sadly...

@1235kbm

Many women have experienced micro aggression and violence at the hands of men and from living in a patriarchal society.

Being spoken down to, not promoted or taken seriously, having things explained to them that they know, being cat called and harassed in the street, bombarded with images of fetishised women's bodies, negative stereotypes, erosion of rights, rape, sexual assault, abuse in their own homes and intimate relationships, proliferation of degrading porn and sexual demands, internet abuse and trolling - if the streets aren't safe and their homes aren't safe, where can women be safe?

You have every right to be angry and to seek therapy for healing and peace of mind.

^This.

Ironically lockdown has been the safest I have felt in 3yrs because men people have to stay a reasonable distance away.

And its more socially acceptable to avoid a disease than a sexual assault.

We live in a patriarchy - you should be angry with men. I am angry with men every single minute of every day - even though I have a male partner, who also thinks men are pretty crap. They run the fucking world to suit themselves and women are treated as inferior in every situation. In my humble opinion they all want a bloody good boot up the arse.

I have a whole load of anger at specific men who have hurt me and/or people I am close to, a lot of the behaviours of men as a demographic (or whatever!) but not at many other men. I have become increasingly wary due to my life experiences and the education I've gained in domestic violence etc. I don't give a crap what people think about me challenging every day sexism and being against Male violence. I think many men would agree with that stance, tbh. I know some of them. I do think there is an element of women not being 'allowed' to get angry with the status quo.

I think most people (if not all!) can benefit from therapy though, so crack on if you can afford it!

I don't think the two need to be related.

If you cut me open, I swear you would find the head of Medusa generating most of my energy. There is a lot to be angry about.

@PersonaNonGarter

I feel like there's a Medusa inside me too. I wish I could turn men to stone with my eyes. When I try to give those men evil glances they seem to read it as a come on. I have considered getting a Medusa head tattooed across my chest and snacks tattooed of my body. Because that's where they look, my chest not my face.

Snakes not snacks!

@stillathing The course is 20 sessions but 10 have gone so quickly, and mainly on deciding what to target. I did have some EMDR with a private therapist before that, so it's been helpful when it comes to having a bit less emotion attached to certain times I lived through.

The anger is legitimate. I'm exploring why I suppressed it in therapy

Good point. I was usually aware if II was unhappy with something someone said/did, but felt I couldn't say what I wanted to say. I think that's due to my mother's fear of confrontation, and my fear of rejection.

a lot of the behaviours of men as a demographic (or whatever!)

@3LittleMonkeyz I think that's partly what I mean. And of course individual men tend to pop up sometimes who reinforce the opinion.

If you are thinking about it in theoretical terms OP, do you think that may be partly because you we’re not able to express it in everyday living terms?

@PinkCatty I don't have a man being annoying at this moment in time. I suppose you're right in a way in that I'm having to wait to do some stuff due to lockdown.

And that maybe the anger festers because I didn't act on it at the time usually.

I feel the same,OP

Lockdown has given me a lot of clarity. I think it's a bit like leaving an abusive relationship, it takes you a while to process what's going on and realise how you've been lied to and manipulated, whereas if you stay with them they keep gaslighting you into believing everything they say. Well, I feel like that happens with spending time away from the constant manipulation and gaslighting of the patriarchy too. It's like you get time to process it and see what's going on, and with that clarity comes a fuck tonne of anger, because there is a lot to be angry about

Women who aren't theoretically angry with men need therapy imo .

We should form some Medusa group therapy sessions.

But we’d all just agree there was nothing wrong with us. And that we deserved another drink.

@PersonaNonGarter

Sounds like my kind of support group! Where do I sign up?

But we’d all just agree there was nothing wrong with us. And that we deserved another drink

^ yeah, made me laugh .

But back to the topic in hand ...

I (still) do think its a "woman and anger" issue.

I've lost count of the threads on MN Relationships where I think, why didn't you get angry. I mean, why? You had every (fucking) right to go ballistic. I hate casual swearing by the way.

But I also understand why, why women don't get angry.

Also, anger is frowned upon in our society. Maybe its seen as unfeminine? But I also think its just frowned upon generally, for men and women, however righteous.

I'm getting old, I'm beginning to feel I've nothing to lose. Not my reputation, my circumstances, and whats the worst that can be done to me (its already happened). I'm not even sure I care about possible retaliation (often a concern for a woman-on-her-own, lets be honest).