Being used for sex

[Confused12344]

Hi

I’m new to this but just wanted some advice really even though I already know Deep down I guess.

I met a guy through mutual friends some years ago now.. he seemed really nice wasn’t interested in him at first strictly wanted to be friends as I felt we wouldn’t be on the same page as he’s younger than me and I want something serious but he was very keen said he also wanted something and kept on trying to date me offered to take me on holiday etc..

My friend said how interested he was in me and how he’s a nice guy and I should give him a chance. The more I saw him when we would all go out I started to like him.. and then it all went horribly wrong!

we started dating etc which then lead to sleeping together and I started to develop feelings over months it seemed to be going really well. I then brought up with him some time last year where this was going etc que him then turning into a different person ! he said he didn’t want anything and never had and this just ‘ was what it was ‘ I was very confused and hurt as that isn’t what he had said at the start at all and he had actually pursued me for about a year before I started dating him.

It went horribly wrong in September last year.. and since then I’v let my feelings get the better of me and I carried on sleeping with him but the dates stopped and he now just comes to my house as and when he wants has sex and leaves in the morning. I know I shouldn’t accept this but he knows I have feelings for him and I feel he plays on it. He’s started to become very disrespectful and rude towards me the way he talks to me has changed and he honestly isn’t the guy I first met.

He blocked me a few months ago I don’t know why and I left him to it and didn’t try and contact him. he got in contact during the lock down after nearly two months no contact and had all the excuses under the sun.. I stupidly let him back in. we have now been taking again for just over a month I told him how I felt about our situation and just having sex..the other day he has now blocked me again and said he’s ‘doing me a favour’ but I know he will unblock me again soon

I feel so used and worthless and I don’t know why I am allowing this behaviour as it’s going against everything I believe.

Thanks for listening.

Anyone can be taken in by a swindler. Which is what he was.

There seems to be an undercurrent of almost a kind of victim blaming attitude when it comes to why women get taken in by nasty people. An assumption that they all must have codependency issues or something else going on. An assumption that there was something 'wrong' with them in the first place.

Manipulators are excellent at their craft and can take anyone in.

And many narcissists and similar, like strong, confindent, vibrant women. Because they enjoy the challenge.

OP has actually demonstrated relatively solid boundaries in deciding this quick that she is done with him. I mean sure, they could do with a little fine tuning. But all things considered...

@bunny totally agree with what you are saying.. I’m not sure why some posters are eluding to the fact I must have had a bad childhood my parents rship etc and other things .

And it is also very true that these type of men like strong confident women and see them as a challenge .. let’s not forget he saw me at work he knew me and my character before Hand we worked closely together on the same team for a year before he pursued me. If I was an easy target I don’t think he would have wanted me.

He portrayed he was completly someone different to me for a long time before he showed his true colours and by that time I was already very caught up in this mess it become

Not so fast OP! Yes he is a smooth talking arsehole but you always had a choice. For whatever ever reason you surrendered a lot of power to this man and for the longest time wasn’t overly concerned with taking it back. You need to acknowledge that because you can not change what you don’t acknowledge.

This guy is not the only arse out there and it’s better to do the self reflection now before you get on the radar of another.

Bunnymumy, it’s not “victim blaming” to be concerned that OP may have risk factors that increase her chance of further abusive relationships, that need exploring.
AgentJohnson, I agree entirely. And many abusers are adept at sniffing out vulnerability in a potential partner. OP needs some recovery time alone before risking another relationship.

If I was an easy target I don’t think he would have wanted me

He saw something that made you an easy target OP because you ended up being exploited by him. He sadly wasn’t wrong. Predatory people like him rarely are.

Of course there can be underlying issues and things that the op may need to work on within her self but it's not fair to assume that those are a result of anything other than the fact that she has just been through the wringers by an abusive person.

Evil people find whatever weakness you have and exploit it. They make your tiny insecurities into gaping caverns.

The best thing you can do is learn how to spot them so that you can make a quick get away. Sometimes our only mistake is not seeing the worst in people until it is too late.

And I daresay most people are an 'easy target' for a narcissist. Because the majority of people don't even know what they are, let alone how to spot them. And that annonimity is pretty much all they need to catch you up in their web.

OP, I found this gem of a book about exactly what you are going through- being attached to guys that really are awful at committing or treating women. Here's a pdf versions- it's so easy and lovely to read and I'm working through the exercises to make sure I do not attract men like that anymore :)

shannoncolleary.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/She-Dated-the-Asshats-But-Married-the-Good-Guy-PDF.pdf

Absolutely nothing horrid meant and not putting any fault toward OP bunny

But these buggers sure can smell vulnerability in the tiniest of doses and are adept at exploiting it.

I didn’t spot that my darling partner of years would turn into a hateful shit on my wedding day. Never thought for a minute that he would try and almost succeed to kill me within the space of months.

T-shirt of escapee worn with pride.

No - nothing bad meant towards the OP at all.

Dear @SuckingDownDarjeeling - I respectfully acknowledge your point about others being taken advantage of by horrible people and wouldn't dream of casting blame onto the victim of such behaviour. Your extrapolation that I condone the nasty acts of unscrupulous people couldn't be wider of the mark. My intention was to point out to OP that her power, in what she perceived to be a personally powerless situation, lay in her response of which she was in charge. I'm sure you understand that no blame was cast on my part, only a desire to help.

@WhenPushComesToShove well I appreciate you didn't intend to cast blame. However it's worth remembering that people, including huge numbers of women, are constantly told to 'keep their power' and to not be walked over.

Because this is stressed so often, people then feel ashamed to admit that they were weak. It takes a lot of courage for them to come forward and say they have been taken advantage of, as they are often afraid of receiving responses such as your previous one; telling them they should have been stronger.

In order to help a person to break away from the cycle of being abused, it's very important to listen and not to criticise how they ended up in that position in the first place.

@Confused12344

I hope you manage to keep him out of your life from now OP 💐
Too many of us have been where you are and it’s like waking up confused from a terrible dream and wondering how you got so far in!

They don’t start off as frightening, rapey overt abusers, that’s the point!
They know how to single out the women with some chink of vulnerability in their armour and they know how to play the game of getting in and then destroying you in a way that makes you doubt yourself first.

They enjoy it. It’s fun to them and a delight to turn your self esteem to shit while you try to figure out what’s so wrong with you!

I had this sort of situation happen to me straight out of a 7yr abusive relationship aged 29. By comparison Mr New seemed wonderful, sexy, suave and successful. Luckily it didn’t take me anything like as long to figure it out and escape.

He’d already convinced me that we were exclusive and didn’t need to use protection when on a night out, him and his friend sat in front of me joking about all the bar girls they were going to pick up on their trip to Thailand the next week!

I just sat there and thought this man is happy to rape coerced/trafficked women, probably without protection and come home and risk my life, wtf am I thinking?!?

I just ghosted him and sorted my head out x

Thanks so much everyone for the lovely responses

I actually do feel a lot better and from seeing people’s responses it’s sad to know that this is actually really common.. I didn’t know how bad he really was as a person till this thread.. I blamed myself and told myself that maybe if I had given him a chance sooner when he wanted to take me on all those lovely dates he wouldn’t have turned this way.

The fact I took so long to actually give him a chance is something he regularly mentions now (or did) when I would bring up how he was towards me he said ‘I had to get over how you was towards me back then so you can get over this’.

I was never any way towards him I just told him I wanted to just be friends as I did at the time it’s not my fault he decided to carry on pursuing me .. but it’s like this is his pay back.

Well, if he felt you were treating him poorly from the beginning, he should have walked away. It's clearly just an excuse he's cooked up to justify how he's treating you. You may be feeling that he was punishing you for a 'good reason' but there's never a good reason - if you're being mistreated, walk away. You aren't cooking up ways to make him suffer now despite how he treated you. You're focusing on your own wellbeing. So you're clearly a lot more mature than he could ever be x

You had a right to only enter a sexual/romantic relationship when you were ready (his behaviour since has shown you were right to be cautious.) There's nothing wrong with you not being romantic/sexual with him immediately when he wanted it.

These men use tactics like lovebombing ,gaslighting , triangulation , intermittent reinforcement ... They create trauma bonds and they use the sort of tactics that are used by government agencies and cults . I know that sounds ridiculous but it's not .

All true...but these tactics wouldn't work with most women...... People abuse you because they see you don't have the ability or desire to stop it...they target certain people with vulnerabilities.

So anyone who accepts this behaviour, needs to come to terms with the fact that they need to do some self exploration, to get a better understanding of why you as a person allow it. A counsellor or therapist can support you with this.

Accepting this kind of treatment is self destructive. Like going into a burning building...think about it.

These kind of men will always exist, because there are women who put up with it. They sniff out the low self esteem and use you like toilet paper. Analysing their behaviour is pointless...because there's no excuse for it.

@SandyY2K

Yes , when I make that comment it was to demonstrate that this isn't as straightforward as someone behaving poorly and the recipient just accepting it .... And I am really hopeful that what you say is true , that they wouldn't work on most women.

But the women who are vulnerable to it don't deserve it and haven't purposefully attracted it . They are usually vulnerable because of a reason and that reason can be obvious or it can be hidden.

I totally agree that everyone who has been on the receiving end need to self reflect and work out how and why they got there . But they are not to blame for it

All true...but these tactics wouldn't work with most women

@SandyY2K I don't think that's true. Some women are more vulnerable to abuse but it could happen to anyone. Some of these men have a very high IQ etc or just are very manipulative.

People abuse you because they see you don't have the ability or desire to stop it

IDK. Very few people desire to continue to be abused. I think abusers will be unpleasant to anyone maybe, but some people will just tell them to GTFO earlier.

So anyone who accepts this behaviour, needs to come to terms with the fact that they need to do some self exploration, to get a better understanding of why you as a person allow it

I agree that people can improve their boundaries or assertiveness etc.

It may sound like victim blaming but I liked a bit by Richard Grannon, I think it was in 'How to Take Revenge on a Narcissist.'

He said a victim of a narc has to acknowledge that they have allowed multiple violations of their consent. (In order to stop it happening again.)

Give these people an inch and they'll take a mile, basically.

@SandyY2K

"These kind of men will always exist, because there are women who put up with it. They sniff out the low self esteem and use you like toilet paper. Analysing their behaviour is pointless...because there's no excuse for it."

This is the most misogynistic and downright nasty comment I think I have read on Mumsnet for a while.

And it's also completely wrong

People who are personality disordered aren't that way because others let them away with it. Do some research into it , I have literally never came across this ridiculous notion.

"They use you like toilet paper".... wow. You are not a pleasant person. I sense a distinctive lack of empathy in your entire post but that is just awful. And don't say you are trying to anger people into reacting against this behaviour. That would just demonstrate your complete lack of knowledge about this subject even further.

"Analysing their behaviour is pointless".... but you say counselling on how the recipient has been taken advantage is necessary? Can you really look at one without the other? And how do you identify red flags and identify boundaries if you haven't analysed what went on?

Honestly. None of this is helpful.

@AgentJohnson

Not so fast OP! Yes he is a smooth talking arsehole but you always had a choice. For whatever ever reason you surrendered a lot of power to this man and for the longest time wasn’t overly concerned with taking it back. You need to acknowledge that because you can not change what you don’t acknowledge.

This guy is not the only arse out there and it’s better to do the self reflection now before you get on the radar of another.

AgentJohnson,

Anyone who gets out of these relationships goes through many stages, realisation of what has been going on, anger at them, disgust and so on but unfortunately there are other stages that will happen along the way where she directs a lot of the anger and shame at herself for putting up with it.

There's no need to rush towards the self reflection stage right this instant when she's only after admitting to herself what he's really like! Let her feel her feelings.

She didn't say anything about rushing into dating or anything like that!

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10

They sniff out vulnerable people, because they are just like abusers. They use you like a disposable item...how is that not true? The same would apply if a woman behaved like this towards a man...they do it to vulnerable men, as other men wouldn't accept it. It's really not rocket science.

Analysing their behaviour will not help you as the victim. Especially if you stay with them while you do so. It will help them, if they accept they have a problem and want to change. It's far better to get away from such people, as analysis keeps you stuck in it and you allow them to occupy space in your head. They don't give you a second thought, until they need to scratch an itch.

People who are personality disordered aren't that way because others let them away with it.

So you're saying people who treat you like crap must have a personality disorder? That sounds like you're saying there is a reason for their behaviour, as opposed to them just being out and out nasty. That gives them a get our clause.

Whether or not they have a disorder, you don't need to be with them and be on the receiving end of being used.

Getting therapy for yourself being on thereceiving end of this awful treatment, will help you.

And how do you identify red flags and identify boundaries if you haven't analysed what went on?

You analyse your own behaviour and why you accept such poor treatment, rather than why does he what he does. You won't understand his behaviour. You really don't need to diagnose him , to conclude it's unacceptable behaviour which has no place in your life.

They use you like toilet paper".... wow. You are not a pleasant person. I sense a distinctive lack of empathy in your entire post but that is just awful. And don't say you are trying to anger people into reacting against this behaviour.

These men use you...it's a reflection on them, not you as a victim. I'm not trying to anger anyone to react...I'm saying it as it is. These men are users.

You come across as extremely defensive.

@SandyY2K

Some of your reply has made me think and I will read it more in the morning...I do think predatory abusers are personality disordered. That is something I didn't realise and I will look to see if my presumption has any basis in truth. But as someone who has experienced a lot of abuse (mainly in childhood) I absolutely do believe this to be true.

I was angry in my post earlier because you actually compared abuse victims to toilet paper. That is an unpleasant comparison and completely unnecessary. You are talking about people who have already been used and treated badly and you never once depicted the actual abuser in such a humiliating way.

Maybe showing some compassion wouldn't go amiss. I certainly would have appreciated it. There are kinder ways to put your point across.

I definitely think most people who abuse like this have personality disorders.
They nearly all follow the same pattern of behaviour and try to provoke similar reactions in people because that's what makes them feel good and big and powerful.
Look at most narcissists, they pretty much all use the exact same manipulation and abusive tactics on people and they're not picking up a book and learning how to do it, it just comes naturally to them based on their disordered personality and what they need to get from others.

@CrazyDaysAndMondays10

My mention of toilet paper was showing how the abuser views victims/women he treats poorly... he sees them as disposable.

It's no different to a how police officers (particularly in the USA) see black lives... like they're disposable and don't matter....it doesn't make it true that they see black people with no value...just like it doesn't mean victims of abuse are disposable...... I could have said like a piece of tissue instead, but the meaning is the same.

I agree like @nomoredickheads said that people myself being one of them who have put up with this kind of behaviour can work on their boundaries etc but I don’t think therapy and counselling is always the answer and always gna fix things like people assume it will.. I’ve been to therapy and counselling before.

I honestly don’t think it’s true that these tactics won’t work with most women as these men target the confident assertive women to begin with do you think they want the women who appear openly vulnerable ?? I’m not the only person I know who’s dealt with men like this and they tend to go after the women who make them ‘chase’ and then slowly break them down once their true colours show.

Like PP said some women maybe quicker to walk away than others but I think all women can be a target for these kind of men and it isn’t just women with deep issues who must have x y z going wrong for them that this can happen to.

It can happen to anyone because you won’t know you’ve met this kind of man when you first meet him! And that’s the whole point, they gradually over time become this way and sometimes at that point the women has developed feelings, is being manipulated and finds it hard to walk away.